That's a good way to put it, midge. I suspect that the more wisely I choose, the more enjoyable my freedom
One problem I've had with MO is the addictiveness of it--at least in my case. I've never been able to MO one time then totally abstain for a lengthy period. If I slip up and MO once, it leads to at least 10-14 days of daily MO-ing. Sometimes it lasts over a month.
Yes, we usually do create our own demons, don't we? This one can and will be conquered. I will stay in this game, even if it goes into extra innings and everyone has gone home Thanks NCB.
Midge, great stuff. I'm not giving up, so I have to be more stubborn than my lizard brain. Damn beast is more like a Komodo dragon. The jury's still out on my use of MO as I work my way out of this. I'm listening to "The Power of Habit" now, and the author talks about one of the same key elements of success that so many guys here have been talking about: create a reward for acting on your new positive habit. And even more importantly, create a "craving" that the new habit satisfies. So if the good feeling of turning the machine off and meditating has a strong enough appeal that I don't even have to think about it, and just crave it automatically, then great. But I think your "learning to make choices in freedom" is a step further in the process. If the conscious decision to let urges pass, not dwell on temptations, etc. is its own reward, and produces its own rush independent of any other tactic, then you've really hit pay dirt. It sounds like you've been there for quite awhile, and I'm truly envious. I know I can do this. But knowing you can do something and actually doing it are two very different things. In that moment of decision, before the habit has been developed and I just move on to better things, it will take some will power. More often than not, I actually use some of it and make the right decision and redirect. Obviously, it will take more than that. You're right, consciously going where I know I shouldn't go, thinking somehow that it's OK (read: definition of insanity) HAS to stop! My spinning counter is making me dizzy. It's really time to make a stand.
Yes, I'm worried about that, too. I'm still going to try to go as long as I can without it. But I think it's the lesser of the two evils by far. P is my real foe.
The substitution of new, better habits is crucial, for sure. But yes, the related idea of freedom being its own reward has been a strong motivator for me since the beginning. I'd been a slave to this crap for decades. I hated having such poor impulse control. This may be a personality thing for some--I've never liked being at the whim of my appetites, and I can take a pretty stoic line on things sometimes. A bit of a control freak, I guess. Freedom in discipline, etc. Yes, MO can be addictive (I had forty years of experience with that!), and my recommendations in the above post might not work for everyone. I hung on to MO for months after dropping PMO, at probably something like roughly two-week intervals. Eventually, that clicked too. So yeah, optimally, and eventually, I think you want to drop both. But realistically, for some guys, I think the occasional MO--if you can avoid the binge syndrome--is far better than just giving up and returning to the P pit.
love those extra inning games, Mozenjo Since we're at similar stages of our reset, what do you say we go the extra mile in supporting/checking in with each other to go the distance? I need all the support and motivation I can get
Great idea, NCB. I'm in! Today was a bit of a slog for me. Things at work are super busy, as several key people are on vacation and yours truly has been putting out fires more than usual. I'm not the world's most organized person, so I'm forcing myself to make a To Do list and work on the priorities first. My tendency to want to check off some easy ones first and lighten the load ends up backfiring a lot, as the easy ones can usually wait. Anyway, got home and collapsed on the couch for about an hour, and got up feeling even more sluggish. So I drove myself to the gym (haven't been there since Friday) and worked out. Of course, I felt WAY better afterward, picked up some pre-packaged sushi on the way home, didn't have a beer with it, and after a shower, I'm feeling great. Too bad it's almost time for bed... No urges today. It's only day 3, but I'll take it.
Moz, having to put out fires at work is a huge trigger and a workout is a huge positive. Proud of you.
Sounds like you did an excellent job taking care of yourself - way to go, Mozenjo!!! I just finished up facilitating a two-day training that I had worked overtime to create earlier in the week. It went very well, I am feeling good and exhausted, and feeling urges to do some surfing on the net. My (addict) thinking is that I need to reward myself for a job well done, rather than just enjoy feeling good in and of itself. I don't like being in this place - because the urges are both strong and inviting. Thought I would check in with this, and hope that this too shall pass. Have a good night
Glad to hear the training went well! Yes, when I'm in that state you experienced: a feeling of accomplishment, happy clients, totally wiped out from sleep deprivation after a marathon of working towards the deadline, I'm usually a complete pushover and head for you know where. So of course, when we're at our most vulnerable is when this battle is toughest. I'm still trying to figure out the best course of action when that happens. Pretty much anything but P will suffice, as long as it's healthy. When the body needs rest, nothing beats good ol' sleep. Today was pretty much like yesterday at work, but I'm trying to just do the things that need the most attention first, and not get overwhelmed by the load. The work will still be there tomorrow; no need to get stressed out.
So far so good. Haven't even sniffed a dangerous website, which is progress. It's a crazy hot day; mowed the lawns late morning, before it hit the triple digits. Ugh, why I chose to live in this oven is beyond me. Actually, I know exactly why; a woman lured me here. Figures, huh? Once my youngest is in college, I may be ready to make a move. By then I'll be 60; not ready for retirement at that age, so I'll cross that bridge later. Despite my conscious self making some good decisions this past week, I've had a couple of interesting dreams that are pretty telling. They involve the precise problem that has previously taken me off the tracks: in the dream, I'm "accidentally" viewing some pictures of babes, and I'm asking myself "well, that wasn't intentional, what should I do? Am I still clean?". Then I wake up. It's actually felt more like "lucid dreaming", as it has happened right about the time I normally wake up, when I'm in that not quite awake state. So if I had to put my Freud hat on, I'd say I'm probably feeling the urge coming on and wrestling with how to handle it. I guess I'll take that as a good sign. Again, in real life I'm feeling confident and not tempted, but it's only Day 6. Been here before.
Today was just OK. Have been in a funk all day. Exercise helped as always, but the mood booster still wasn't enough for me to shake this deep feeling of loneliness. It's ironic that on the one hand I'm excited that I've been totally clean for a week, while at the same time feeling like I'm missing out on life. I just have to tell myself that it may get worse before it gets better, and that life is there for the taking if I just go out and get it.
My little depressive episode on Sunday spilled into the first part of my day at work yesterday. After talking to several of my office mates, it was a little comforting to hear that they all had a ho hum weekend too. A couple of them attributed it to the change of the season. It's been muggy and overcast, which when added to the heat, makes everything feel heavy. We're not accustomed to humidity in these parts. Anyway, I think my particular brand of malaise was more related to my starving myself of the powerful drug that I'm committed to quitting. Saturday night I had dinner with a couple of buddies, and one brought a woman who's here from France for a few weeks and rooming at his place. She's in her late 40's and attractive, so we guys were all trying to impress her, in a more or less healthy way. I don't think any of us was focused on trying to get in her pants, including me, but an attractive woman can still throw me off kilter, and I have to catch myself and back off the inclination to compete for her attention. Still, a good time was had by all and I came home feeling satisfied at having spent time with people I like. But still restless. My longing for female companionship was ramped up a few notches. Normally, of course, with no one in the house and this nervous energy needing a release of some sort, the computer would be on and I'd settle in for a couple hours of surfing and calming balm. Followed by the usual feelings of regret and self-loathing. This time, however, I came to this site instead, checked the baseball scores and the weather forecast, shut it off and went to bed. So, depriving myself of my fix, not even taking a taste of anything remotely titillating (yeah, I know), was no doubt responsible for my feeling of emptiness on Sunday. It was worth every ounce of pain. I've got a long way to go. There will be more days like Sunday. I'm girding myself for them.
Moz, it's great to hear that you're weathering the challenges and developing helpful strategies. That's what it's all about--finding ways around the tough patches; the easy times take care of themselves. Don't forget to pat yourself on the back for each victory along the way, no matter how small. They add up, and your confidence will grow along with them. You're doing well.
Thanks Midge. It does feel good to get through that rough patch. I'm well into the second week, feeling the physical rumblings again, dreams getting erotic, etc. But I'm prepared for it better than before, since I've already experienced it. As we've discussed, MO is an option I may decide to employ, but maybe not. Depends on how much I'm feeling pulled back to P. So far I don't have the desire for either, despite my body's rebellion. And that's a blessing. Off to work. Muggy again today. Cheers!
Thanks Bob, motoring along. It feels different this time. I'm feeling so much more in control. The battle for the right mouse click isn't happening, because I'm not allowing it to happen. There are so many great posts here on YBR about the bottom line "JUST DON"T DO IT", stated so eloquently in so many ways, a book should be written from the pearls of wisdom laid down. I'm constantly in awe of the great work everyone is doing. Feeling good.
