Re: A new path Mozenjo After 1 month free of PMO, you must really be starting to notice some interesting things. Firstly, how living a life without porn and masturbation can start to seem normal. What I mean by that is, even if it is just for brief moments, there are flashes as if this is your standard way. This is your new habit.
Re: A new path Yes, it's interesting alright. For 40+ years, I thought M was just the natural thing to do. You know that old joke where 99% of guys do it, and the other 1% is lying. Well, that paradigm is changing. Had a dream last night that I performed in bed for that first post-divorce gal. My redemption wasn't real, but in a sense it was. Another step in the process. Still no wet dream, so it's really eye-opening and encouraging to realize that the body can do just fine without it, thank you very much.
Re: A new path I figured I needed a reality check so I just read some recent posts from others for inspiration. For awhile after I discovered this place (but before I joined in the conversation), I'd avoid checking in here and click on my usual progression of sites and images and ramp up quickly to a PMO session. Today the thought occurred to me to do it again. Actually, in the last 30 days the thoughts have occurred to me many times, I've just summoned the will to resist. Some passages from the Willpower Instinct have really helped; especially the one on "I want Power". Which basically goes like this: what is your ultimate goal that keeps you resolute in exercising your "I Will" power and (especially important for us fellows), your "I won't" power. What is it that you truly want in life? For me, first and foremost I want to free myself from this stubborn and insidious addiction, I want to free myself of the horrific problem of ED, I want to free up time to get out of the house and be around women, I want to free my mind of the obstacles that have been keeping me from really putting in the effort to finding the right woman (because waiting for her to just walk into my life is a fool's errand). Yes, that last one is a common thread in these pages. More on my struggles there in a future post. But writing, and meditating, and not allowing myself to go down the rabbit hole again, really give me a strength I was really beginning to think I just didn't possess. But no matter what your baggage, you can summon that strength. Tonight I absolutely had to write. Next, some deep breathing, then some work, then sleep.
Re: A new path Thumbs up, Mozenjo. You have a great attitude and strong motivation. The more your confidence builds, the more manageable this thing becomes. You're really doing well.
Re: A new path Midge, I sure appreciate your support. Your lifeline is especially welcome today. I'm not sure why I've been faltering the last few days (peeking more than I should, and getting worse, though still no bonafide porn). I'm feeling guilty and wondering if I'm a fraud if I keep my counter going. Still no MO, and again, I flirted with P but didn't go over the edge, so I'm not going to reset. I know P is worse than MO in the sense that my need for that dopamine fix is gnawing at me, and succumbing to the images will set me back quite a way. I've definitely taken a couple of steps back. This beast wants to be fed, and I'm battling it with all I've got. I guess I'll attribute my feelings of weakness to going far longer without MO than I ever have. I'm almost hoping I have a release in my sleep tonight, but I'm not sure if that will calm me down or make it worse. I've had erotic dreams the last several nights. I suppose if it happens in my sleep I won't kick myself too much. Argghhh!!! Went to dinner with some friends tonight, so getting out of the house was a welcome diversion. Now here I am typing away, and I'll need to log off and turn this thing off before I revert to that dutiful little rat and start pressing the lever again, and completely fall off the wagon. I knew this would be hard, and I'm sure seeing why. I feel good for making it to 30 days (for the most part); I'm just hitting that first SUPER hard bump in the road. Up until now it's been like a novelty; kind of fun to test myself and watch the counter tick away and enjoy all the good things that have happened to me in that time. And you are right in saying that my increased confidence will help me get through the future challenges that await me. It's time to double down again. I'm going to exercise a lot tomorrow, and meditate. And get out of the house again tomorrow night. I've gotta hit this from every angle I can or it will beat me. Have a great weekend!
Re: A new path Drop the guilt and stop the peeking. The guilt is just another way the brain is calling for its balm. Guys use their counters in specific ways. If you're targeting specifically PMO, a little peeking is not PMO, so forget it. But, as I say, you should stop the peeking. I've occasionally found myself lingering over some less-than-innocent pix; they're nearly impossible to avoid in this culture, and on this communications medium. I don't like that "lingering" impulse, and I do my best to pull the old eyeballs away and get on with better things. At the same time, we do need to be able to operate in the real world, the world in which attractive people sometimes come into view, without letting it throw us off our game. We simply must learn to register beauty--ah yes, there's another sexually attractive person; well done, universe---without feeling that habitual tug toward MO. It's possible. And it's a move that is a lot easier for me now than it was for the past four decades. That said, in these early weeks, don't go out of your way to test it! Get over this current bump in the road, Moz. Each such victory will make you stronger, and it will weaken the pull of the P. Have a great weekend yourself, my friend.
Re: A new path Thanks Midge, great advice as always. I'm feeling much better today. I saw a lot of really attractive women at the restaurant last night -it's one of those huge sports bar-and-grille joints, and one of the places to be "seen" in my town, so it's always chock full of young beauties, most of whom are old enough to be my daughter . Which brings me to a point you made; beautiful women everywhere, what's a red-blooded male supposed to do, run screaming for a room with no windows (and no computer)? Of course not; the new habit has to be about acknowledging the facts of life and working with them, not letting them trigger behaviors that totally work against me. If those behaviors were normal and healthy and made me happy, then I wouldn't be here, would I? So the enjoyment of checking out a real babe is better than staring at pics, but it's still only worthwhile if it leads towards what we were designed to do: go up to a real girl and actually interact with her (I'm obviously done with procreation, so that part of my evolution left the station long ago, haha). I did a lot of dating after the divorce; mainly "meet and greet" one-off dates with women I met online, but some I met the old-fashioned way, too. But no long-term relationship yet. It takes quite a commitment of time to do online dating, and I've been on an extended hiatus (almost a year now). I stopped dating after the last ED experience, since I knew I had a lot of work to do on myself. But I really want to get back on the horse soon. I love the scene in City Slickers where Bruno Kirby is ribbing Billy Crystal for lusting after the girl in their group. Billy tries to convince Bruno that he is just admiring her as a work of art, like a Picasso, and Bruno basically tells him what a crock that is. But that experience of looking at women IS possible; I've done it throughout my life; I think we all have to some degree. You don't automatically have to make an attractive woman a sex object. Our culture just encourages it, unfortunately. So the active peeking has to stop; you're absolutely right, there's no doubt about that. Up until a few days ago I hadn't done that, and it was a major contributor to my success. I have to stick with what worked for me, and not "reward" myself for being a good boy by being bad. Moving forward...and thanks again.
Re: A new path A great attitude, Mozenjo. And I'm glad you're feeling better. If you keep up your strong work here, you'll be ready to re-join the dating scene soon, I have no doubt. Have a good one!
Re: A new path Starting again...not feeling great, but not defeated. This journey is worth every step. All the good things that happened to me going a month without it were just what I hoped they'd be. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it's totally achievable. The peeking did me in. I suspected it would if I kept testing myself with it. Dusting myself off and heading to work.
Re: A new path Hey Moz, I know exactly what you mean about rewarding yourself for being good by being bad. That attitude made last week much more difficult for me than it should have been, making excuses and resulting in a couple of peeking episodes. Midge's post below (on June 7) may as well have been posted in my journal--he is 100% correct. Keep at it, man. You've obviously made huge progress.
Re: A new path Always learning, Moz. You've got the right approach--no beating yourself up, just get back on the path. Watch out for chasers.
Re: A new path Thank you, gentlemen. Syd, whatever commentary your brain uses to lull you into peeking, you just have to see it for what it is (dangerous rationalization) and delve into your still developing bag of tricks to fend it off. Keep at it, man. Unfortunately, of course I knew what was happening, I just allowed it to happen, and once the images were in front of me, the battle became exponentially harder and then it was over. The slippery slope is really a cliff. It's crazy. In a matter of a few seconds, a month of good work was in jeopardy of being for naught, as I was worried about sinking further and binging. Which I didn't do. I was under such inner turmoil as the episode was happening that I gave myself a headache. After viewing this crap, it lingers for awhile (how can it not when you're just bombarding yourself with it) and I remember looking down at the floor and seeing flashes of images in the wear patterns of my carpet. How messed up is that?! The little sirens were saying, "don't leave yet, come on back". This battle is so real. The one all addicts have to engage in, I guess. I re-learned what I knew before I came to this site: separating P from MO is critical. It's eliminating the P that is the main problem for me, and my main goal. When I'm able to do that, I know I'll have a fighting chance at getting rid of the ED that has so plagued me. My counter may have been reset to zero (it looks like it may not be working, as it didn't tick off another day yet), but my brain didn't lose all of the benefits I got from staying away for a month. I really feel that way.
Re: A new path Since the peeking began last week, my first run at this ended with a quick descent back into old habits. Those habits are old as dirt for me, and tragically part of my psyche. I'm taking a hard look at myself, and asking myself why this behavior that is such a source of suffering has such a vise grip on me. Yes, it's straight-up addiction, which is difficult enough, but the reasons for using P and MO as crutches for dealing with things are what caused the addiction in the first place. And they need to be ferreted out. Fear of rejection with women I'm really interested in has always been huge for me, and having this unhealthy outlet as a means of giving myself a pass for not pursuing those women just perpetuates the self-loathing it produces. Which in turn makes me less confident in going after women, and the cycle continues. Dating may be a lot of work, and often disappointing (those of you who have done online dating know what it can be like), but the alternative isn't attractive to me at this point in my life. Most of the time I don't mind being single. I've got my kids 40% of the time, though my oldest will be 18 this summer and I'll be seeing even less of him than I do now, so it'll be mainly my 12 year old and me. And I know I need to enjoy what's left of his childhood, as a year from now he'll be in that "hanging with Dad isn't cool" phase that was a real bummer experiencing for the first time. So things could get real lonely real soon around here. For the most part, I'm comfortable living alone. I've never been one who needs constant contact with people, and my day job forces me to interact all day with others, so it's not like I'm a hermit. I actually love people. I've got a few close friends, but since I've never gotten a big charge out of hanging out in large groups, my bent is more towards finding a woman I want to be best friends with and then growing old with her. A nice, stable, monogamous relationship. Pretty boring I guess, and once I get it I'm worried I might wish I was single again. The damned grass is always greener, isn't it? Alas, one of the may paradoxes we humans must endure. There's someone I've had my eye on the last few months, but I don't see her very often and will have to make a concerted effort to put myself in a position to ask her out. Just gotta go do it. Don't worry about getting rejected; if she says no, I should feel good for having the cajones to try anyway. And that does get easier with time. It's not nearly as earth shattering as it used to be. Taking it personally is a waste of time. So back to giving up P. Yes, it's just like giving up drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. This journey requires consistency. So the things that worked for me last month will work again if I stick to them. I am figuring out what it was that led me back to the familiar patterns and into relapsing for a few days. I know I shouldn't look at myself as a failure, though I've certainly done plenty of that. I'm trying to accept that this setback is just part of the process for me. I've been waiting forever for my "future self" to finally kick this habit. He doesn't exist. The future doesn't exist. The only thing is now.
Re: A new path You're right, Moz. The setback is just a part of the process. Everyone's process is different. It sounds to me like you've really got your head on straight, though. I like your goal of meeting a woman and having a "nice, stable, monogamous relationship." I think the changes you're pursuing will lead you to that goal. You know your dependency on P is a false, and ultimately counter-productive, source of comfort. You've waited long enough in your life to make this change--I waited even longer--but you came here for a reason. And this is the place to get this work done. Get through this weekend by setting your resolve and staying busy with healthier diversions, then let's get through next week. The weeks will start stacking up. Your confidence will grow, and the tipping point will arrive. Mark my words.
Re: A new path Will do, Midge. My CD's of Ulysses are supposed to arrive today. I hope they do, since I'm driving down to an old friend's tomorrow for a party for his daughter. With the ride down and back, I'll be able to log my first 5 hours in on a 27 hour long audiobook. It's just the healthy diversion I need. Then Sunday catching a baseball game with the kids, something else I'm really looking forward to. This next "first" month should be easier than the last. But even if it's harder, it must be done. That tipping point awaits. At 55, it's time for me to grow up and do the heavy lifting.
Re: A new path That sounds like a good trip, and a good weekend ahead. I'm on the road myself this weekend, iPod fully loaded. Safe travels, and remember the guy you want to be.
Re: A new path Thanks for your friendly support on my journal. I thought I have a look whats going on in yours. Relapses are part of the deal. They give you lessons about the triggers and the whole mechanics of how you slip towards it. If you want a positive outcome from the relapse. Scrutinize your lead up to it. What was the psychology of it? As you mentioned yourself. Real recovery is about eradicating what got us into porn in the first place. And that is a long process and hard work. Im in the thick of it. I recommend to everyone to go all out. Join mens groups, SLAA, read psych books, therapy , councelling, psycho-drama, whatever suits. I am currently delving into my childhood and its amazing what bubbles up. Huts like shit but I see it as an old would that is finally shedding its inflamation. I am one of the heroes here ( Not!) who jumped straight into the next addiction. Thats because the reboot is just a mechanical process of stopping one particular behaviour. The ingrained addiction behaviour is still there. I wish you all you need to get ahead in this struggle. You will prevail. Im sure
Re: A new path Hey there Imout, good stuff, thanks. Yes, I agree; any means necessary. We all have issues of one kind or another brewing beneath the surface. When my habit was discovered by my ex, I ended up seeing a shrink for awhile (or risk immediate divorce). During therapy, I had many soul-searching sessions that helped me discover more about what makes me tick. I dealt with a deep depression that appeared during that time. Luckily it only lasted for a very tough couple of weeks, but it was more intense by far than any depressive episode I've ever had. But I rode it out, and though I still have bouts of depression, it hasn't been nearly that bad since. There is something very liberating about knowing yourself and understanding why you are who you are. And that others deal with the very same things. This weekend I'm out of the house a lot and very grateful for that. This is my first week back on track, and staying away from the cues that fuel the autopilot is critical. I didn't make it the first time largely because I got a little to confident in my newfound abilities and thought I could slip a bit. It doesn't work that way. Alcoholics who go decades without a drink know they have to be forever diligent and just live a life free from the stuff. Same for us. Giving it up for good takes commitment, plain and simple. Have a great weekend. Thanks again for your support!
Re: A new path yesterday, day 499, I had a near-slip. My first serious challenge. We cant ever be too confident.
