Thanks Gil and Monty for your encouragement! Yesterday was stressful on a few fronts. Work is nuts because a key member of my staff is out on leave and I have to do some of his job while he's away. Then, the fiancee and I had a rough night, as we continued a disagreement that started on Monday. So a fitful night of sleep. But relief from this stress will come from dealing with it; not suppressing it. So off to work I go. Day 12 can hit me with whatever it's got, but I will not make it worse by looking at pixels.
Taking a break from chores to check in. I guess I've been in flatline mode, since I don't have urges yet. And I'm more than fine with that! The SO is dealing with some health issues, so probably no sex this weekend. Which is good for my brain at this stage. Sweeping the garbage out of the nooks and crannies of my noggin will take some time.
Moz - We both have the same clean streak going, and I have a strong sense this is going to be a VERY long streak for both of us! Let's keep fighting hard! No peeking and No PMO! We need to gain control of our addiction - where feeling sad, stressed, depressed etc - is not a rationale to relapse. It is actually a warning to stay extra strong and vigilant.
You got it, bud. 2 weeks in the books. Just gotta keep doing what we did (and didn't do) these past 14 days!
Thanks Montesquieu, the weekend's going fine so far. Lots of work around the house and at the day job to keep me busy. Sometimes that fatigue can wear down my resolve, but I'm practicing redirecting myself when that looks like it might be a problem.
Starting Day 18. Flatline is gone. I had a dream where I had sex with my fiancee a couple of times. I'll take that as a good sign. We haven't done the deed in almost 3 weeks, which together with my clean behavior, is helping me get my much needed reboot off to a proper start.
I'm fighting through some morning depression. Been fighting urges, but aside from dwelling a bit too long on images that cross my field of vision, I'm staying clean. I guess it's good that I feel guilt for even the smallest transgressions. Maybe that's the cause of my depression. This is the cleanest I've been in I can't remember how long, and I need to stay the course. Time to shut this machine off and head in to work.
Stay confident that those urges are only temprarily. This too shall pass. I don't know your history, but I have experienced strong feelings of depression due to my reboots in the past. If that is also the case with you, then your last sentence of the post is the wisest thing to do. Stay clean and let your brain do the healing!
Had my first close call last night. Dwelled on some YouTube clips of a couple of attractive women. It's amazing how easy it is to get sucked back in. But I pulled out of it before going too far. Still no M, which I'm feeling really good about. This was a wake up call. I will keep doing what works. I know all too well what doesn't work.
Reset. My history has been that once I start on the peeking, I feel like I've failed and just have to cash it in with a real fail. That's so destructive. I've "cleared the decks" so many times, it's depressing. I know I've said this before, but one of the tenets in my recovery workbook is that a lapse does not have to lead to a relapse. That is so true. My fiancée and I won't see each other tonight, but are hoping for romance tomorrow. It was supposed to happen last night, but she was too tired. So I came home unsatisfied. That's another thing that trips me up consistently. Instead of just going to bed and letting those feelings wane, I act on them. So tomorrow I will see her with about 2 days under my belt. Instead of 28. Ouch. Another self-inflicted wound. During my recent streak of 24 clean days, I went through some down days emotionally. Depression hits sometimes, whether the addiction is involved or not. But I was still committed to staying the course. And then I let it in again. It happens so quickly, the challenge is remaining conscious when the habit tries to take over. Being conscious in practice means not starting the ritual. DON'T PICK UP THE PHONE. DON'T HEAD FOR THE COMPUTER. If I don't do either of those two things, I'll be fine. I'll try now to focus on my recent 3+ weeks clean, which was really nice. It was a reminder of how much better I can feel about myself if I just stick to my guns. I'm going to get out of the house now and take a walk.
My phone is certainly listening to me. I was clean last night (was alone in the house), but I did have a beer with dinner. I was planning on having an O'Doul's, but opted for a pint instead. Actually, one of those tall cans that's more like 19 ounces. I must have said something to myself about not drinking the whole thing, because later, my YouTube feed had a guy who was an alcoholic describing how he finally quit drinking. What he said was so compelling, I listened to the whole thing. So now my YouTube feed is full of stuff about getting off alcohol. Oh well, I'll take it. It's not my real nemesis, but it's still worth hearing anything that points the way to my recovery. The patterns of alcoholism are of course very similar (pretty much identical, really) to those of porn addiction. For addicts, the cycle must be broken. If the brain is looking to be triggered, it will find those triggers very easily, because they are everywhere. The brain loves routine, no matter what the routine is. So the constant battle to break free from this routine, or cycle, requires that we make a commitment. We first have to want to stop, and then we have to commit to stopping. We have to admit that NO amount of viewing is OK, and that our lives will be so much better if we just admit that and put this terrible addiction in the past. That part of me that doesn't want to stop is a stubborn SOB. It knows that there isn't any satisfaction to be gained by remaining chained to this shit. And yet it hangs on. It's still there trying to convince me that there is comfort to be had by "using". I was really feeling it starting to disappear on this last run. So I'm going to get that feeling back. Because it was great! The decision to move on when an urge hits gets easier with practice. And my desire to get this behind me has never been stronger. So the only thing in my way is that part of myself that doesn't want to admit that I can live without pictures. May it rest in peace.
I decided to reset again. Zero tolerance. Someone here used to give me shit for making pronouncements all the time. But I will say now that today will be clean. Then, tomorrow, I'll say the same thing. One day at a time.
Having been really clean for the last 2 days, I felt the need to reset the counter to reflect that. The previous days, though not disastrous, were not up to the standard I need to follow. The distinction between clean and pretty much anything else is a bright line for me.
Great to hear Moz! As has been discussed many times here - any attempt at moderation is just one’s addictive mind putting you on the path to a relapse. Plus I have learned that even with out PMO - just “occasionally” peeking at P can cause PIED. “Really clean” is the only road to gaining full control of our addiction. NO MORE PIXELS IN ANY FORM! You got this my friend!
