Thanks, Montesquieu, much appreciated. I thought path-forward's post today was great. Discipline is truly the key to recovery. I'm working on the computer again today, and shut it down for awhile and took a walk around the neighborhood, even though it's really hot today. While walking, I played some motivational talks on discipline on YouTube, which I was doing earlier this year, but didn't keep up the discipline to continue I'm not giving in to the chaser effect. That's just gasoline on the fire. Yes, I'm hanging in there.
"didn't keep up the discipline" sounds like something I would do! Your fighting the fight. Good on you Moz!!
Peeking and the resultant ED are holding me back. It's not the normal I want or need. No. Freaking. Pixels.
Avoiding the forum does me no good, so I'm going to check in more often. I had a super productive weekend, and stayed nice and clean. But the ED will remain until I can not only have some significant time away from the pix, but also change my thinking patterns. It's going to take doing something I haven't been able to do yet: stick to the plan.
My two bouts of ED over the weekend were rough. On both of us. I'm sure that's a big reason why I'm 4 days clean and feeling good about things right now. I know very well how it can change, and I'm going to really have to be ready to just let the urges pass when they return. For now, I'm happy to be focused on breaking through.
A solid week in the books. If the SO wants sex tonight, I'm certainly not going to refuse her, but some more time without any stimulation is probably what I need, because what I don't need is to have another setback. So the work will come in the form of not allowing a setback no matter the circumstances. Going to keep this momentum going. So I'm going to shut this thing off and get some non-computer tasks done today.
I've been listening to a bunch of YouTube pieces on Stoicism. They all have images of bearded and buffed Greek god-like sages, which can be a bit annoying. But the messages, whether truly from the Stoics, like Zeno, Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius or Seneca, are indeed timeless. Todays' video focuses on the two main vices that are "particularly detrimental": lack of persistence and lack of self-control. Amen. Day 8 went well until I allowed some non-nude peeking last night, since the SO wasn't feeling well. That's disappointing, to be sure. Any more of that and it's another reset. Persistence and self-control. Yes, daily exercises for the mind. Just like diet and physical exercise. You know, the basics.
So I'm not going to win any Stoicism awards just yet. Still struggling with the pixels. It pains me to set the counter at zero again, but if I don't, then it's useless. On to another clean week, and then I'll push through the next one.
Moz it's so interesting that you mentioned the stoicism. I know nothing about it, but I started reading "discipline is destiny" on my Kindle and the stoics come up a lot. It's been good reading and encouragement. Wishing you well in the journey!'
Thanks Realness. Yeah, since I started listening to YouTube clips on discipline, a Stoic one showed up in my recommended list, and since I clicked on one, I get several a day now. Sheesh, the Stoics would probably be dubious of this kind of intrusion into my personal journey Gotta love the internet and "smart" phones. Or not.
The algorithms definitely track you. I saw a video on Buddhism and then kept getting those for a while.
Saturday. I should be happy, but between household chores up the wazoo and the trepidation over date night tonight, I'm weary. One foot in front of the other. Clean feet are happy feet. I'll make that today's mantra.
Mixed report this morning. Saturday night was great. Sex worked just fine, so I was on top of the world. This was after a great day of going to see a movie in a theater, which we never do, and then having a really nice meal at our favorite restaurant. So, just the kind of date night we both deserved. Then after a few hours' sleep, came home and had that familiar strong chaser effect. So, rather than just a quick MO with no pix, I watched porn. Man, this is frustrating. I'm sure no touching for almost a week helped get me to the promised land, but the constant caving (sounds like a kd lang song lol) has GOT to stop! No pix, no touching. Repeat daily.
Hey there Caz, I've averaged one successful session a month this year, which is nothing to crow about. It really should be once a week, but my ED has not allowed that. My goal is to keep my hands off myself and my eyes in the real world. Consistently.
My last lapse was a week ago. Since then I've been clean of pixels and touching. Starting week 2 with resolve. When urges come, I've been better at letting them pass. The difference is in being serious about not letting myself think that a small peek is OK. It's obviously not OK. If I make this second week just like the first, which wasn't really that difficult, then I will have taken two decent bites from this elephant.
Double digits again. This time it's a truly clean 10 days. I'm staying away from this computer unless I have to be on it. I am owning my history of letting the 'what the fuck' syndrome take over, and how much damage I've done to my brain as a result. Yes, there have still been some successes leading up to this point, but I've known for years that occasional use doesn't work when you're an addict, and that it's time to close the porn chapter of my life. What a long chapter it's been. I was listening to a Wayne Dyer talk yesterday, and he discussed the timeless conundrum of what our "essence" is. Who is the "me" that is behind my eyes and has been with me since birth. Where did it come from and will it cease to exist when my body does? Well, I don't know those answers, but I do know that my essence is NOT that of a porn addict. My thoughts may shape my behavior, and to a large extent, who I am, but they are still not me. If the 'me' is the thing that controls my thoughts, and can change them for the better, then that's what I want to tap into. I must not be blown around by whatever chance circumstances hit me on any given day.
Well done Moz! I really like the work of Wayne Dyer. He definitely gained his wisdom through experience and has a powerful message to tell.
