Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, Moz. I've found that participating in new things helps shake me out of the mental doldrums. Cold showers are, of course, one method that helps change. Yoga, meditation class (classes, imo, can help change perspective more than doing it on one's own), immersion tanks, walking around without a shirt, etc. Healing means action. No one ever thought themselves out of a situation. No one ever talked themselves out of a situation, not long-term, anyway. I am an advocate of therapy, but I'm more an advocate of doing.

    I still battle this myself. My default always seems to be to go over and over things in my head, even though I know it's useless. But, I also practice piano, take Tai Chi classes, go to the yoga studio, and walk. Recently I took a meditation class, one where they used singing bowls, and it was truly amazing.

    Where am I going with this? Obviously you've done some great work on yourself. You are, for the most part, in control of your habits. However, a little nudging from participating in new things can and will tune our brains into a frequency that facilitates us firing on all cylinders. I guess you could call this internal frequency our ring of truth.
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  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, I've yet to do an entire shower in cold water, but I always do my finish rinse with cold. Maybe it's time to go all in... Just saw a video that showed the benefits of dunks in cold baths. Brr, talk about getting out of your comfort zone! But I think that's your point, Saville.
    Well said. I had a very productive day getting things done around the house yesterday. In my down time, I even read the first chapter of Moby Dick (finally). Luckily, it's a short chapter! English in the 1850's was a bit different than it is now o_O I also listened to some motivational speakers while doing my walk outside. Then went to dinner with the SO and her friends. All in all, a great day. But my Achille's heel has always been consistently saying no when the chips are down. Whether my day has been good, bad or just another routine day, it comes down to that critical moment. I've been my most successful here when I can rack up some days when I shut down the urges and move on without looking back. That's the key: don't make a good decision that's quickly followed by a bad one.
    That all sounds great!
    That has a very nice ring to it indeed. Thanks for hanging in there with me, Saville.
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  3. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Moz - your situation has always resonated for me - both the good and the bad! And your honesty and will power to keep "getting back on the horse" after relapsing are both inspiring and also very reassuring for me.

    Keep working on yourself to find new ways to continue to grow and fight these demons.
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  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks p-f. Much appreciated. I'll post on your thread as I see you have posted today. Hang in there!
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  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Updated my counter, since I was showing last time since O, but I watched P 10 days ago, so that needs to be the starting point. Holding down the fort pretty well. We tried having sex last night, and since it wasn't happening downstairs for me, I went downstairs on her. She loved it, and O'd, which is rare, so I'll take it. We are both more than ready for me to stay hard enough to finish, but for whatever reason, it's not happening yet. I am going to "trust the process", and just keep on NOT looking at pixels. Another week til vacation, so I'm going to hunker down and keep this clean streak going. Then, when on vacation, I can relax for a couple of weeks, knowing I'm on the right track. After that, I'll have 30+ days behind me, and that's when I usually cave, so the challenge will be to do another 30 by staying consistent.
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  6. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Moz. You sound like you have a very healthy attitude right now with a lot of conviction.

    great to see!

    You got this my friend!
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  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks p-f! I'm settling in to do several hours of work here on the computer. I'm aware of the tug of the habit, as well as the "micro-permissions" I sometimes give myself when browsing the news or YouTube. Meaning, lingering on images of women longer than I should, even if it's a second or two. These are the little things that can erode the foundation I'm building, so I need to stop that shit now.
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  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Ugh, the peeking! Gotta stop the madness so I don't sabotage my vacation. I got sucked into watching a long sales pitch from some smarmy dude schlepping an "herbal" supplement that you can get for the low, low sales price of...way too much. Then followed that with some viewing for some reason. Probably because the sales pitch centered on the guy getting his boners back and pleasing his wife, who they of course showed in the pitch. But it did get me thinking that taking the blue pill can't go on forever, but that my age probably does have something to do with needing help down there. Yes, I realize that abstaining from porn will do more than anything else to get me to the promised land, but exercise, less alcohol, cold showers, etc., are much better than pharmaceuticals, even if they're herbal. I mean, chemicals are chemicals. However, something that doesn't feed big pharma and give me headaches would be nice.
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  9. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Moz. I hear you on the peeking.

    I am doing my best to now consider peeking on equal footing to PMO. It’s the only way I can motivate myself to stop peeking.

    I thought about resetting my counter today as I start tracking a last peeking date. But I still want to savor the victory of no PMO for a good streak.
    If I hit 100 days no peeking - I will consider resetting to 100! :)

    and on the meds, personally I think taking meds in your 60s is not wrong. My wife, when things are working well - said I an as hard and big as she ever saw me! And that feedback was wonderful to hear and also extra pleasurable for her. I don’t feel bad about taking 5 mg of tadalafil nor does my internist
    Can meds be a bit of crutch? Absolutely. But I’m fine with that if it helps with my self - confidence and sobriety. I know Sir Saville disagrees with that - and I very much respect his opinion. But sometimes different things work for different people.

    My friend. get back on the horse today “after some viewing”

    One and done man. You got this!

    head into your vacation on a clean streak and keep it going from there.
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2023
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  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    No, I don't disagree with that. I have always stated that I'm for whatever works and makes a person happy.

    My issue, if you can call it that, with relying on meds is that sometimes the body stops functioning in an organic way. I take thyroid meds, because without them I can't get out of bed. However, by changing my diet I have been able to reduce how much thyroid hormone I need. It's never an all or nothing scenario with me, except of course with P.

    Getting in touch with one's body can open us up sexually. For instance, I was always a germaphobe. I ate a lot of McDonald's in my life, and I mean A LOT, but I would never allow myself to sit anywhere where I could see the food being prepared. The thought of other people touching my food really grossed me out. Even my own hands touching food made me feel queasy. If I got peanut butter on my fingers I would always wipe it off with a napkin, I would never lick! Okay, here's the point of all this. Now, I not only lick my fingers, but I will sometimes suck them. I suck my wife fingers, too, even though it's not something that she particularly likes. In other words, I have, and am, exploring my body in new ways, which in turn opens me up to feeling bodily sensations. For years I closed myself off from feeling.

    Taking one's shirt off and feeling the breeze across the skin is another great thing. I have a fucking ugly body, but from time to time I work around the yard with my shirt off. I don't use gloves when gardening so I can feel the earth under my nails. These little intervention, I believe, are like natural viagra and will even compliment viagra.

    The idea is to deemphasize the boner and get back to how we explored the world as babies. That means sucking your fingers, pulling at your toes (if you can o_O:D), feeling the grass under our feet, the wind across our back, the texture of the floor. Our problem, as I see it, isn't just with getting turned on by a female, but getting turned on by life.
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  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yep. Right there with you.
    Right. As you and Saville say, whatever works for each person. I ended up getting some L-Arginine with Citrulline to see if it helps get blood flowing down there. I've got some free Amazon credits, so why not? But I will ditch them quickly if no results. Most of the guys seem to use them for building muscle mass during workouts, so since I'm trying to get some definition back into this old frame, there is that side benefit if it works. But I wake up with raging hard-ons pretty much every morning, so I wouldn't say blood flow is a problem, at least in the morning. After a long day, some food and alcohol, and most importantly, some self-doubt, he's not such a rock anymore :D So, more meds are probably not the answer. The blue pill works until it doesn't, and probably the same result with other chemicals. The real answer is staring us in the face every time we come to post here.
    Thanks p-f, I plan to!
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  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hear hear! Gotta say that the first time my fiancée and I had successful sex, I was inspired (not sure why) to suck on her toes. She went crazy! It was a HUGE turn on for both of us, and I followed that with the first PIV sex I'd had since my divorce many years prior. My first post here chronicles that bleak chapter in my life... but it brought me here, and the cure to ED is the same now as it was then.
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  13. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    @Saville. My apologies for the misrepresentation of your view on meds. I suppose your encouragement to pursue organic means if possible stuck in my head. But overall, I understand your point better now and it’s well taken.

    Trying to “smell the roses” in life, as often as possible, is a key aspect to having a healthy feeling life.
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  14. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, just stopped by to catch up on what's going on in the world of Moz. If this is a ultra marathon run no matter where I am in the pack I know I can look not to far away and see you running the race to. Funny, its been like that since I first starting fighting "this thing". Keep going!
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  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Rugger! Yep, still running the race. I'm off for a 2 week vacation. See y'all later!
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  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Been back in the states for over a week, and my pattern of staying clean while away and then letting the habit back in when I return has sadly continued. Had a great time while away, we had successful sex once, and I was getting the feeling that maybe I was going to finally take the next step. Well, I intend to do it - but today is Day 1. I'll leave it at that. Lots of work to do, and wanted to come here and start fresh on the forum.
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  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Dude, that sucks.

    Well not Europe. Or the successful sexcapade. Or that you are back safe. I mean NONE of that sucks.

    Oh, and you are still here and committed to getting better. That doesn't suck either.

    Get to work.

    Me, too, @Mozenjo, met, too!

  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Rugger. I guess I just need to go on a year-long vacation to finally lick this thing! :D

    Seriously, though, in the times when I'm successful, even when chained to this computer for work, what sustains me is knowing that I will be happier - WAY happier - when I don't give the addiction any oxygen.
    Rudolf identified a common affliction here the other day: stopping what works in the crucial moments. No matter how much we know what the behavior will bring, the "wrong thinking" takes over and we willingly follow it. Jekyll gets bullied by Hyde, and the cycle continues. So, instead of coming here to post, or putting the electronics aside and getting out of the house, we cave. Why? We've asked ourselves that question a million times, and of course there is no good reason.

    I just got very close to a really clean 30 days (made it to 28 before I started letting it back in), and though I've logged several clean month-long streaks over the past couple of years, I still need to string them together and see what that's like. I'm pretty sure I haven't gone 60 days without masturbating to pictures of women since I was about 15. So, 50 years of this. I would say a half century is long enough. It's not like breathing, or at least it shouldn't be. I don't need it!
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2023
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  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Doing well. Not acting out on my compulsion to dwell on the tame stuff, which is the only way to keep from transitioning to the harder stuff. I have to make a habit of staying away from the gateway.
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  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Resetting. I worked from home on Thursday and let it in. Then, last night, my gal and I were gearing up for date night sex, and since we drank a bit too much, she developed a headache and fell out of the mood. She was apologetic, and I was also OK with just going to bed. But this morning I MO'd to her picture after watching some P. This scenario is not new. As painful as it is to reset, I need to do it immediately after I've relapsed, since I have a pattern of coming back for another round if I don't. I'm down, but not out.
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