Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Moz - great to hear things worked in the bed room! Very happy for you!

    And totally hear you on the peeking! Wayyy too much for me as well. Tho I am hanging in there on the PMO and MO. And I am encouraged by having sexy dreams sometimes and also relatively comsistent morning wood!

    My wife comes home early this week after long trip away. Hopefully things work well for me as well!

    You are on a good path man. Keep it up!
    Mozenjo likes this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Maybe you need to look at why you intentionally tried to sabotage your good work. Do you perhaps not feel worthy of being loved? What better way to keep love (vulnerability) at bay than to return to old habits.
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  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    That may be part of it, Saville, though I have tried to "wear" that one on over the years here, and it hasn't really fit. I know it's a common theme. Part of what happened yesterday is that when I got home from her place early in the morning, I was still pretty horny. We were right on the brink of intercourse the night before, and she just pooped out. Not her fault. I was tired too. But I think more of what's going on with me is a fear of losing my independence. Sounds like a stupid excuse to keep doing something that's bad for me, but there it is. Sabotage is the correct word, though. I'm much happier with her in my life, so unless I finish this project (leaving porn behind), I may lose her.
    Saville likes this.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I guess your independence to fap. ;) For sure we fear moving out of our comfort zones. We get attached, maybe imprisoned, to the status-quo. Sounds like you have a good understanding of what you're facing. All we can do is move forward. :)
    Boxer17, path-forward and Mozenjo like this.
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, I am definitely guilty of that. It's easy to say that my natural tendencies are a certain way, which can get me to rationalize doing the same thing over and over. Our tendencies are more perpetuated through repetition than genetics.
    Boxer17, Saville and path-forward like this.
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yesterday, I changed my counter to the "PMO" category instead of just "PM". I'm ashamed to say that it was so I could still feel like I was doing OK if I didn't orgasm. But as reassuring as it may be that I can go long stretches without the O, that's not why I'm here. I've been viewing way too much, and it's eroding my self-confidence as it always does. So I just changed the counter back to "PM", and updated my counter to when I last looked at porn, which was Saturday night (wasn't with my gal that night). So for me, there's no point in doing the counter if I'm looking at porn. This is a small step on my road back to where I was at the beginning of the year, which was making some real progress on this addiction. I need to get there again. For years I've been at this place so I can rebalance my brain. If I don't do that, then I'm wasting my time.
    Saville likes this.
  7. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Congratulations on your honest. You will find others who have started their counter at 1 again.
    Don't be too disheartened. At least you now know what you are aiming at.
    Mozenjo likes this.
  8. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Moz. I hear you on the peeking. And I am also fighting the same battle as you. Though I admit I never included O in my category bc I wanted to have orgasms with my wife.

    But I suppose PMO could only pertain to solo acts.

    I have been feeling pretty strong about not touching myself. Tho I admit I have for a few seconds here and there when peeking - but immediately stop it.

    But I agree peeking adds to performance anxiety - as it saps your self-confidence.

    tbh - I have not tried sex with my wife for over 6 weeks - as her health issues have been sadly at an all time high in regard to discomfort and also seriousness.

    But I know she wants to have sex as well - and hopefully we will soon

    Hang in there my friend - you know what you need to do! And so do I.

    Keep fighting hard!
  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks DBA and path-forward.

    DBA, I've started from Day 1 countless times, but I suppose most of us have. I have some successes, and I am trying to tap into whatever resolve I used in the past.
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    path-forward, thanks for your words of encouragement.
    I wish I could say I stop touching the pud after a few seconds. For me, it's the same as peeking. Once I start, the floodgates open. So the lock on the gate must stay closed.
    path-forward likes this.
  11. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Hi Mozenjo,

    Of course you are not at all alone in starting the counter back at 1. We know that people relapse after years of no PMO.
    It is really tough but the section on success stories shows that it can be done.

    Keep going and all the best.
    Mozenjo and Saville like this.
  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I'm going to reset again. My impulse control is non-existent lately, even if I haven't O'd in 3 weeks. I think once I was able to perform with the SO again, my subconscious (more like the addict) shanghaied my resolve by telling me that everything is OK. Unfortunately, it didn't have to work too hard to do that :(
    I wrote this in December, which was a nice, clean month: "My confidence will only return when I prove to myself that I am committed to putting this habit (in all its forms) into my past. My relationship will not survive unless I do that." That fact hasn't changed.
    Back to basics: surf the urges, don't put myself in danger, etc. And most importantly, at the moment of decision, make the right decision.
    path-forward likes this.
  13. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Moz. As you said, and same exact thing happened to me - I let success in the bed room be a rationale for letting the demons back in my life.

    So while I only use my counter for actual PMO or MO, I am also very much still struggling with peeking.

    But I am on a path recently of cutting it back a lot.

    let's fight this together. we both know what to do to make things right in our lives!
    Last edited: May 20, 2023
    Mozenjo likes this.
  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    A clean weekend behind me. I broke out the workbook I finished last year (because it isn't going to do any good buried in a box in my closet) and just now read some of my entries. I'm going to keep it here in my den and refer to it daily, along with doing my short meditation sessions, which I also miss. I was very close to getting to a place where I didn't feel enslaved by this addiction, and I've sadly fallen back into it. So, no excuses. Just time to get serious again.

    Before logging off, I took someone's advice and browsed the "success stories" here. Hard to believe I've never done that in my eons here! I saw that Saville had posted his story there and read it. All I can say is, thank you my friend.
    One of his statements that hit home was this: "There is nothing you cannot overcome if you have just a smidgen of belief in yourself". This is true! And if you don't think you have a smidgen of belief in yourself, think again. It's there. It may be buried by shame, circumstances or, as is the case with most everyone here, addiction. But it's there.

    I thought about losing the counter for a while, which I've done before. 40New30 was another guy here who inspired many, including me. His motto was "Don’t count days, just stay off porn and masturbation". Well, the days will take care of themselves if we just let them, for sure, but I'm keeping the counter going. As one who is still trying to "know thyself", as the old Greek dude supposedly said a couple thousand years ago, I know that losing the counter may give my crafty addict a way in. Hell, he's already in, I'm still trying to show him the door :D

    Have a great week, gents!
  15. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Very inspiring post Moz!

    you are building your foundation which is key.

    you got this!
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  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Starting a new month with mixed feelings. I've been squeaky clean for 4 full days and haven't O'd in over a month. The bad news is that prior to these last 4 days, I was doing way too much viewing. There was a point last year where I realized that the physical effects of watching porn had waned due to my cutting down my usage a lot. Meaning I could perform in bed, albeit with occasional hiccups (ED). But at the same time, my mind was seeing any peeking as reason to feel like a failure. So my performance anxiety kicked into high gear. I know that stopping this habit is the way out of the misery, and yet I stay just lazy enough to let it eke back in until I'm back where I started. Hopping off the merry-go-round and looking at it from a distance is easy some days and crazy hard other days. As I write this, I'm fighting urges, which is not unusual on Day 5. I'm going to shut the machine off and head into work. This first day of the month is a good time to re-commit. I'm tired of my routine. I'm ready to put in the work.
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    OK, 7 good days in the bank. We're leaving for vacation a month from now. I am committing to being clean until we leave (and beyond!). This first week has been tough. The usual cues are right here at my place. So whenever I'm here alone, which is whenever I'm not at work or at her place, it is taking conscious effort to acknowledge that those cues won't go away overnight and that I need to stay conscious. Sitting here working has always been the roughest, and since I have to work now, I must let any urges that arise just pass. Week 2 may or may not be any easier, but rather than worry about that, I'll just work on enjoying life today. Without pixels.
    Saville likes this.
  18. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Moz. So very happy for you! I love the sense of conviction you have and the direct goal of staying clean for “and beyond!” Your vacation!

    stay focused and vigilant!

    you got this!
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  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks p-f! It's interesting that when attempting to leave the pix behind, whenever "dangerous" ones cross my field of vision, there is a sense of guilt for even seeing them. Though I should give myself some grace for being human, developing the habit of treating pictures for what they are (just pictures), and not as some springboard for diving back into the habit, is critical. They are what created my ED issue, and leaving them behind is the only way to cure it.
    Boxer17, path-forward and Saville like this.
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, after almost a month and a half of no O, and a few lovemaking sessions with the SO that were really good except for the fact that I couldn't sustain a boner, I gave in and O'd. Close enough to PMO, since there was viewing involved, even if I finished off with her pictures. So, clearing the counter again. I'm frustrated but not despondent, as that won't help anything.

    I stopped seeing my therapist, since we were going over the same territory, and he didn't seem interested in helping me with my porn habit, other than to say "yeah, that has to go". Since I relayed to him the fact that I was performing pretty consistently until confessing my usage to her last year, he dissociated my porn problem from my performance issues. Those issues are indeed in my head more than physical, but the porn does absolutely need to go. I appreciated that he focused a lot of energy on getting me to realize that I should be the one initiating our lovemaking sessions and otherwise being more assertive. Those are both truths, and last week I did initiate sex and pleased her very much until not being able to finish. We still got closer, despite that not-so-minor detail.

    Orgasm, as always, creates the desire for another. I've had 2 in the last 2 days. So, enough of that. Next time will be with her, as long as that takes. She's with a girlfriend that came into town and is staying with her for a few days. That also contributed to the above lapse in judgement, as I've been alone in my house. It's 3 weeks til we leave for vacation. I will not have 30 days behind me when we leave. But I can have 21 if I buckle down and do what I know I can do.

    I read an article yesterday that basically said that habits are the architects of our lives. So choosing your habits instead of letting your circumstances or impulses do it for you is key to living the life you want to live.
    I chose to come here years ago so I could do that. My habit has been tenaciously hanging on. It won't go away on its own. I'm not throwing in the towel, because there is no good future that includes this habit.
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2023

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