Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Moz. You are at almost 2 weeks no PMO - so you are def doing something right! Peeking is def both our weaknesses. So I hear you and will work harder as well!

    I very much respect your commitment in regard to your counter for peeking as a form of self-discipline . But I still think the no PMO is the key indicator!

    Keep up the fight my brother!
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  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks as always for your support, path-forward. Though I was technically not PMOing, I have been crossing over the line way too much lately. This was a bad week for me and the fiancée. We really got on each other's nerves early in the week, mainly over stupid stuff, but I left her place early that night and we haven't gotten together since. Just texting a couple of times a day. Last night I was depressed and feeling powerless and sorry for myself, so I did exactly what I shouldn't have done, and watched some porn. O'd to her picture as usual, but that's because I still draw the line at not doing that to P. But it's certainly time to clear the decks and start over.
    She and I are going to talk tonight, so that's good. But my lapses lately are a big concern. The progress I've made feels like it's eroding. I need to put a stop to that.
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  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Checking in. Need to write things down, as I'm not in a good place. My significant other is seriously questioning whether our relationship is worth saving. Though I haven't told her about my setbacks in my recovery, the fact that our love life has not been close to consistent for so long has worn very thin for her. During my therapy sessions, I'm consistently counseled that, yes, I need to finally put porn in my past, but also that I need to give myself some grace and stop placing so much of my mental health on whether she's happy or not. It takes two to tango, and though my self-confidence needs a boost (that's where abstinence from PMO comes in), I also have issues with her that I shouldn't sweep under the rug. So, making this a totally clean Day 2. Not much else to say, and it's time to get off my ass and get some stuff done.
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  4. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Moz - deeply sorry to hear about your relationship struggles. I know how very painful those discussions can ofc be. Tho we seem linked sometimes?! As I am also back sadly having very serious divorce discussions myself. Different issues in my case - but ultimately similar - in that its a case of my wife questioning whether I have the emotional strength and stability to deal with some very tough life situations and conflicts.

    Hang in there my brother and keep believing in yourself! And please do not let this situation be a rationale to relapse. As I am telling myself the exact same thing!
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you, p-f. You said it right - our women want and need us to be strong. PMOing to relieve stress not only doesn't have that effect, it just erodes our self-confidence and feeds our problems. Stay strong, brother.
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  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    The resilience we all have inside of us is enormous. There is a great repository of strength in our spiritual/emotional/physical selves. I know this because I've tapped into a bit of it throughout this process of ditching P and giving myself over to myself completely. The how-to of accessing this wealth of power is to live life simply, doing simple tasks that in their aggregate break through any barrier.

    I've read far too many "self-help" books. After each book read I was always left with the question, "how do I start?" After 300 pages I was still no closer to helping myself. Of course self-help is an industry, like so many other things that people attach themselves to, such as cults, religions, and all kinds of isms. The truth is that it is the mundane things that are jet fuel to our beings. I know I sound like a broken record, but it is by tidying the drawer that is filled with stuff, by washing the windows, by fixing the broken trim around the window that we discover all kinds of wonderful things about ourselves. The boring little jobs allow space in our lives, spaces where we can stretch our constrained minds, like we do our bodies when we're sitting contently in front of a fire. Also, if ever there were a panacea for all ills it is walking. Walking is breath, vitality, and meditation all wrapped into one.

    Another little intervention (gift) is playing board games with your SO and with friends, too. After graduating from HS I lost interest in board games. In later life I actually hated playing games. Recently I found playing games is another avenue that takes me away from all that thinking and allows me to exist in the moment. I do like winning, but I'm perfectly happy to come in last, as well. The real winning is in the socializing and the latitude that gives the old noggin.

    My wife and I are still together after I cheated on her twice. We went deep and dark, we shut down, but then through MY journey of NO-Fap I initiated the pathway back to love. It can be done! Anything, my brothers, can be done.
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  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you for this, Saville. It is just what I needed this morning. As I told my SO yesterday, as we were discussing how my performance issue is something that has reached a kind of breaking point for her, I can be my own worst enemy. I stopped short of confessing again, because I knew where that would lead. But was truthful in that my issues aren't always P related. Unfortunately, they lead me to P or P subs, and the cycle continues to repeat. We are hopefully leaving for a getaway next weekend that should last several days. It was touch and go yesterday, but she said that we could just go with sex off the table and have a nice relaxing time. That may have been her way of taking the pressure off, and I'm grateful for that, and love her for stepping back from the edge. Until we go I must be clean as a whistle. It's exhausting saying that obvious fact over and over.

    As I was having my really bad day yesterday, I did pick myself up and get out and take a walk. It was great. It motivated me to keep moving and do some chores around the house. So yes, keep sounding the mantra. You have tapped into the wellspring, my friend. I'm glad you're here to share the wisdom it has given you. And of course for all the other wisdom you have.
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2023
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  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Good! :)

    At this point you've had enough time away from P that it is not much of an issue. Your brain is full of chatter. You have successful sex and then you begin thinking "will it work next time." Yep, it will work. Honestly, if you knew how unhealthy I was before, how grossly fat, etc, you'd see me as the poster boy for anything's possible. My fat was a suit I wore to keep the world at bay. Everyone has a suit of some kind. It can be humor, wise-cracking, digressions, self-deprecation, etc. When we take these suits off the body starts to function the way it's intended. I don't know what your suit is, only you know that. I do know that you're SO close, though. One thing that helped me with my wife was to stare at her in the eyes while we were fooling around. It made her uncomfortable a bit, but it help forge a connection so that I could stay in the now.

    This is so cool!
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  9. wintersturme

    wintersturme Member

    This resonates very much with a book I'm reading for the moment: This life. Why mortality makes us free by Martin Häggland It is not a self-help book but rather a philosophical exploration and celebration of our finite lives. It is a written as a kind of reflection of the the fact that the mundane facts of our life make it a worth-wile life not the promise of some eternal life (or transcendental thing that gives meaning to our life). The author references a series of novels (collectively known under the title My struggle) by Karl Ove Knausgård in which the mundane activities help the protagonist to come to grips with his life. The protagonist painstakingly describes these mundane activitities as well as the the frustrations and joy that they bring to his live, but embraces them fully.

    The philosophical book clearly is atheistic, but replace God or eternal life with porn and you see that (part of) the message of the book chimes well with you observation. Thanks.
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  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    A nice clean week in the books. Leaving for a mini-trip today, and though I'm feeling some anxiety this morning, I'm aware of it. And how, for so many years, I would try to tamp down the anxiety with P.
    Staying aware of our affliction is important, and must translate into taking the steps to move past it rather than staying chained to it.
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  11. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Congrats Moz on a clean week! Overall, you sound like you are in good place in regard to awareness. Inspiring for me as I work to be better myself.

    safe travels and have a great trip!
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  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Back in town and off to work again. Just checking in to wish everyone well on this journey to a better life.
    Into my third week clean now. Feels good, and I must keep this momentum going since I'll be in front of the computer a lot again.
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  13. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Welcome back my friend! And very happy to hear you’ve been staying clean. I’m working hard myself these days to stay clean as well.

    Let’s keep it going!
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  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Indeed, path-forward. The need to keep working and not let the guard down was front and center last night. I allowed some non-nude subs in while working last night. There was a scene from a sitcom rerun we watched on vacation that I revisited on YouTube, and I knew that if I let myself watch it, I could keep going. I did. Not a reset event, but I came too close. So here I am fighting this thing again. Just have to move on and not repeat the cycle.
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  15. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo As is often the case, I really related to your post. And I’m curious if my own post today resonated with you as well?

    Like many folks on this forum, we have both suffered from not only PIED - but also performance anxiety brought on by fears of peeking and relapsing too often.

    And like others here, we both have shown the ability to cure ourselves and truly savor making love to our SOs.

    W deeply need to create a new paradigm - where touching our Dick - while viewing pixels - is simply 100% off the table. No justification acceptable.

    And this philosophy is obviously not meant just for the two of us - but for all the brothers on this forum.

    You got this my friend. Keep fighting hard for yourself and your relationship with your fiancée.
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2023
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  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, your post definitely resonated with me!
    This is it. This is what we have to do. All of us. I'll reply to your post.
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  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I was doing well, and partly since I haven't O'd in 3-1/2 weeks, I've been feeling strong urges. The SO and I haven't been able to make it happen in a while. I have been looking at her pix a lot, and lately, some porn too.
    Edging is really bad for my brain. I reset for all of the above reasons. Calling myself out here should help. And it's time to have some real sex. She and I both need it.
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  18. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Moz - I respect your ways of disciplining yourself, though no PMO/MO since March 24 is still a strong start to a new abstinence streak!

    I also have been peeking at times and agree it needs to stop. I keep having a one more time mentality. Also my wife is away - which is always a struggle for me. But I have been staying clean while she is away this time in regard to PMO/MO.

    we both need to cut out the peeking and should be on our ways to a long no PMO/MO streak!
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  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks p-f, yes the one more time mentality is what keeps this addiction going. Keep up the good fight!
    path-forward likes this.
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Resetting. This time it was another instance of lovemaking stopped short - last night it was due to both of us being exhausted from a long walk earlier and, in my case, some strenuous yard work later. Some good news, though. We had sex twice last week, each after a hard day at work, so when we put our minds to it, it works! Both times, I did not want to give up until we made it happen, and she went along with that idea and we did it for the first time in a couple of months. Now that is what I call a paradigm change! Enough of the "well, it's not working again" crap. It will work if we both make it happen together.

    But PMO this morning at home was not the right decision. Not beating myself up over it, though. I had gone a month and a half without O'ing until sex with her last week, so I know I can at least do that. It's still the peeking that needs constant work.

    Ready to carry on and be clean for a long while. I need to record that here so it has a better chance of embedding in my noggin.
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