Thanks, guys! Had a repeat performance last night. She was up for it again when we texted in the morning, but was tired after dinner. I just went for it anyway, and we quickly got in the mood and had fun. I'm trying to take the pressure off myself, and she has been patient with me getting hard enough, which is just what I needed. We both needed this.
@Mozenjo how are your morning woods? How often do you have them? At my 30-days mark I had more consistent morning woods than i have now. One possible explanation is that for the first month I never orgasmed, while now that I have a stable partner, I orgasm once or twice per week. I am a bit worried that by orgasming with my partner I am slowing down my progress. For example, the last time I had sex this week, my erection was pretty weak. What about you?
Thank you, Saville. I believe it has. But I need to keep vigilant. My goal is to stay away from subs.
They've been good. I actually have them regularly after real sex. Since I got off the daily pill, they tapered off a bit, but I'm OK with that. I don't want to go back to that kind of boner pill. The as needed worked again for me, so I'm planning on sticking with that route. I have heard that regular sex can slow down your progress, but since getting off porn is Job #1, then as long as that is happening, I'm of the mind that not having sex when it's available could have its own downside. I suppose as long as your partner is good with that approach, then it may be a good way to go. For me, having sex 2 nights in a row was the best kind of progress I could have hoped for. I just need to keep from viewing pixels, and eventually get to no pills as well. Best of luck to you!
I will definitely keep having sex with my partner whenever I have a chance but I think I will try to limit the times I orgasm with her. I think my body is not ready yet to have multiple orgasms in short periods of time. I feel like my last multiple orgasms pushed me back into a flatline . I will try to stick with one or two orgasms every 2 weeks and see how my body feels. Good luck to you too!
Rudolf's recent post jolted me. I feel his frustration. The low level acting out is still acting out. One more peek at subs and I'm going to reset again. My confidence was rejuvenated last week, and I don't want to screw that up.
Viewed porn yesterday, so resetting. I couldn't log into the work computer yesterday morning, and instead of just hitting the shower and heading in, I did some other computer work Then, couldn't see the fiancee last night, and even after a day of being very disappointed in myself, plus some frustrating personnel issues to deal with at work, I did it again last night, this time from the phone. Wow. Self control went off the rails. Today will be clean, but I'm pissed. There's probably a bit of subconsious feelings that I deserve a treat after finally having successful sex. Talk about wrong thinking on an epic scale! What I deserve is to be free of this crap and a consistently successful real sex life. Jeez.
But the process of recovery and a healthy sex life is still continuing. 2 bad choices don't undo all those good choices that you have been making in the last weeks/months. Dust yourself off and keep going!
Thanks Gil. I dusted myself off and had a good day yesterday. Also had a short makeout session with her last night, and after a little groping, we both stopped and agreed to wait for the weekend. Probably a good thing. We need to do more hugging anyway. I'm noticing it more since it was much rarer during our drought, and was usually accompanied by both of us ruminating about how long it had been. A self-fueled train to nowhere. Now that there's a there there again, we need to go there a lot
Watched porn this morning. It was compulsive, joyless clicking, as it always is. MO'd to my fiancee's picture. We had a typical date night last night, where we eat a lot, have one too many drinks, and then try to do the deed. We were tired after watching our movie, but dove in anyway. We both had to pee pretty bad, but decided to go for it while the mood was hot. Well, you can guess the rest. Part of my "thinking" this morning was that I had sex last week only a few days after a PMO session. I knew that didn't have any correlation to my success in bed, but it was still enough to get me to start peeking, which never ends well. I have to work all day today, and won't see her tonight. That may have also contributed to my dalliance, but there was some feeling sorry for myself for still not being able to perform on cue. So, it's the 29th. Going to finish the month clean, and have a clean February too.
Moz. Overall - you have made some amazing progress this month. As now you can more easily visualise having a fun sex session with your fiancée - where the recollections are based on recent events. and I think as your sexual situation with her becomes more routine in regard to fun sessions - the desire for PMO will lessen. But as always - get back on the horse - and focus on finding others ways to distract from the urges. you got this my friend!
I don't get it, Moz, are you trying to sabotage your relationship? This is not me chiding you (maybe a little) but more just asking the question. Do you think that on some level you are trying to get your fiancee to call it quits?
I hope I do. See below... A fair question indeed, Saville. I brought this possibility up in one of my first therapy sessions. I love her very much, and I want to be with her a lot more than I don't. But I do have a fear of losing my independence again. After much consideration, I think if my subconscious is trying to sabotage my relationship so I can be free to do what I want, I just need to really decide one way or another, or I will be wasting time for both of us. I am much happier with her in my life than I was without her. So, regardless of whether that changes in the future, continuing to act on this habit is not going to solve anything. This addiction has more of a hold on me than I care to admit. I did make great progress last year, but it was frankly fueled more by guilt than anything else. So now I need to put my big boy pants on and prove to myself that I can really do this. For me.
Guilt can be a great motivator - don't I know it! You should've watched me backpedaling like an Olympian when I was trying to deny having my affairs. Yes! And, we've all seen your big boys pants and they're pretty snazzy. When I was fat I was basically addicted to food, particularly anything sweet. I ate 3 chocolate bars a day, along with a couple of muffins and a cinnamon bun. OMG, the cinnamon buns were to die for. Wow, I'm smiling just thinking about how good they were. They were about twice the size of my hand with just the right proportion of cinnamon and icing. Shit, I think I'm getting a boner! Food porn is real! Sorry if anyone is getting triggered. Along with those treats I would have a cup of tea or coffee with two heaping teaspoons of sugar. I would go to bed with the resolve not to indulge the next day, but commitment would evaporate overnight. Amazingly, I never had high blood pressure, but I did have a host of other physical issues, not the least of which I looked like a fat slob. My addiction to sugar was all consuming. I knew I was slowly killing myself. My wife would always tell me to observe portion control, "You don't need that second potato, do you?" Hell yeah, I did! I tried the portion control thing, did Weight Watchers, and every diet known throughout the internet. I would lose a few pounds, sometimes quite a lot of pounds, but I would always return to my "fighting" weight, as I used to call it. I'm going on a bit, so thank you for your indulgence. My point is, I think, is that I didn't see myself as a slim person. I had been fat and (fake) jolly for so long that my identity was that. Yes, I was addicted to sugar and fast food, but deep down I knew that wasn't me. Losing weight scared me. My fat suit had been my protection and seeing my gut disappear made me feel really vulnerable, which isn't what you'd think would be a person's reaction. Somehow, and only you know, you are wearing your own fat (PMO) suit. It protects you, it makes you feel safe. When we become more addicted to being nakedly worthy, the peeking and PMO'ing just fall away. Like @path-forward said: "You've got this!"
True. I'll take it if it actually motivates me. And it does. Very astute analogy, my friend. I am somehow afraid of breaking free of the addiction. I have been my whole life. Writing that makes me want to break out in a primal scream. There's nobody in the house but me, but it would probably give me a headache, so I'm going to do some meditation instead The counter clicked over to 1 a little bit ago. It's a good solid 1. And after sitting in this chair working pretty much all day yesterday (except for seeing my Niners' quarterbacks go down like dominoes), I did well, despite a strong chaser effect. 2 more days, and we start another month. I'll be 64 next month. The Beatles did a song about that. Well, McCartney's 80 now, so with any luck, I've still got some years to go. I really want to spend them with my gal. I really do. The big fat PMO suit has to go!
6 solid days behind me. Mercifully, my dick was pretty lifeless this week, except for the morning wood, which was mighty woody most days. I've been pixel-free, and that feels great. Working all day today, and I must keep that trend going. I've had some rumblings this morning, so maybe my mini-flatline is ending. Gonna be with the SO tonight - dinner and some live music, the latter of which I haven't done in years. If sex happens afterwards, great. If it doesn't, no big deal either. It's not the be-all and end-all I used to make it out to be. The less I look at pictures, the more I realize that. I may be weaning off this crap in fits and starts, but I'm doing it nevertheless.
