Checking in. So far, I'm making December nice and clean. I plan on following through with that. In another week, will leave for my getaway with the fiancee. I talked to a therapist the other day, and will do so again later this week. It was helpful. He had a good metaphor for how performance anxiety can operate: it can be like squeezing a handful of sand. The harder you try to contain it, the more it slips from your grasp. This is true of so many things. We tie ourselves up in knots about all kinds of things we really need to just let go of.
Nice one. And do you have any strategies of how to let things go, when they keep bothering you? Already halfway 'don't do dumb deeds December'! If you can get this far, there's no reason you could complete this mission and start the next one, right?
Well, good question. More physical exercise for starters. I also want to do my morning meditations again. Just 5 minutes. It may or may not help, but it's good to plan on some time to let the world go by without worrying about the next thing to do. Also, visualizing the times we've had successful sex, maybe. Hopefully at my next meeting later this week, the therapist will have some other ideas... Yeah, had a near miss last night. I did the dumb deed of looking at the fiancee's pictures and getting excited, and then started the usual "tame" search for other material (like shopping for 2023 calendars), and had to pull out of the vortex I knew I was diving back into. Man, this is work. So, no dipping the toe in the water. It's like the River Styx. One drop and it can be all over.
Hey there Moz. If you're SO is like my wife you may find that from time to time massage and cuddling can be a acceptable substitute for actual coitus. Recently my wife was having a hard time going to sleep. I gave her a nice long foot rub leg and hand and scalp massage, hugged and kissed with her. It made her feel loved. She told me that many times just The nearness and physical contact can be very comforting to a woman. Now granted my wife is older it sounds like than your SO. I was just thinking it could be a way for you to connect in a positive way without facing performance issues. Then at some other time when you are both on the same page emotionally then you can engage in sex This thought may not pertain to your situation I'm just throwing it out there for you to use if it is helpful
Just curious. "Serious Danger" is something I worry about. But no so much for the relapse or thoughts of sex that you mention. But for the desire to avoid all sexual excitement. This seems to be a lofty, if impossible goal. Shouldn't the goal be to be recognize the desire and simply let it pass. To overcome and resist the passions? After all, we can't avoid all women in the world or even all sexy imagery, especially in the Western world were sex sells everything. Why not glance and tell use the "red X" technique or simply say "ok that excites me and makes me horny, but I do not have to act." That seems a better use of time. You cannot beat yourself up for every accidental viewing of something. Last night I clicked on an innocuous link and of course it led to some site that had sexual imagery. I simply closed it, said "wow, that was interesting." and moved on to the original site I was trying to get to. No shame, no relapse, and no hatred for glancing at something. It's like if a women bends down hear you, and you have sexual thoughts or catch a glimpse. You can't beat yourself for being a man, but you can tell yourself. Ok, I do not have to act or even indulge in these fantasies. I think there is a delicate balance between avoidance and and acceptance. I just worry about saying "you are in danger" and instead saying "you are in control". One is positive, the other is still a slave.
Yes, it is very helpful, Boxer. My gal is so far not receptive to anything but penetrative sex. She wants me to be my "old self". When we get out of town next week, there should be more opportunities for taking things slower and removing some of the pressure. Wish me luck.
Wow, I remember writing that one! That was 8-1/2 years ago. Yikes, I've been here awhile. Agreed. When I wrote that I was in constant danger of relapsing, since I had just come to grips with how far my addiction had gone, and how much work I had to do to deal with it. If we are in control of our actions, if not always our thoughts, then yes, we can break free of the shackles of this stubborn addiction. Yes, absolutely. It's not natural to "desire" to avoid all sexual excitement, but for many, in the short term, it helps to do that. I've read many coaches' admonitions to go at least 30 days being as abstinent as possible (with NO arousal) as a starting point for losing our porn habit.
8 years is a good amount of time. But I'm in a similar boat as you. And it angers me. I keep thinking I'm done, but I never am. I suppose I have to finally accept the "once and addict always an addict" idea, but I want to alter the victim status of it. I'm not a slave to my addiction anymore nor a victim, I control it 27-29 out of 30 days a month. I'm a survivor and learning to control it more. I'm teaching myself how to deal with emotions, as I likely was never taught. That's not as bad as it used to be. I think we sometimes beat ourselves up too much though. We need to know how far we have come. The fact you and I are still here even means we refuse to give in. We are still fighting. We are surviving. I am currently having problems with what I think is psychological ED, but I still get morning wood constantly. I think the recovery and even knowing about porn addiction creates a psychological issue too. I'm here now, but I think it's important to take a break. I also know that when I am with a real woman. And I mean, a real supportive long-term, normal woman my sex life is great. When I am with a one-night stand, sex worker, or drunken woman I picked up., I cannot perform. How is that a bad thing?! It seems the goal is finding a good woman so I can be a good man. Of course, this is a codependent thing and instead I need to be a good man first and the good woman will come along. Which is why I am here now to focus on getting rid of any last semblance of my addiction. I think we all benefit from being better men. And the "super powers" discussed in many forums is simply being a wise, capable, and temperament man.
Yes, we are still fighting. The alternative is not acceptable. My big hurdle is the psychological ED you refer to. But I would rather be dealing with ED while off porn than while on it, so I guess the glass is half full when looked at that way.
Nice job, Dr. Jekyll! Mine is going well. I haven't been perfect, but pretty damned good, all things considered. There are 10 days left, including today. My plan is to be squeaky clean (as in no pixels or M), and have some real sex with the woman. Once would be awesome, but multiple times would be awesomer
Yes. I am looking forward for some time with a girl as well. I may arrange something for New Year's Eve. It could be a good starting point for 2023. I think this could be the right time we really leave PM behind forever.
Iron Jaw January it is! Great idea, Gil! December was a very good month. Ready to continue into the new year.
December was a good ride, a month full of emotions and personal growth. It was not always easy but I feel a better person now than who I was one month ago. Looking forward to Iron Jaw January as well. My personal goal for January is finding a new job. I will turn 31 on the 26th of January. The best gift that I could do to myself is reaching the 90-days count before that day. Keep up the good work, guys. @Mozenjo @Gil79 Cheers!
Good luck on finding a job, Dr. J. And good to hear about your successes in December. It was my cleanest month in a very long time. There is definitely a sense of accomplishment there, but also the knowledge that I can get even better at this.
I just read an interesting article on willpower. It's an encouraging study on how we can shift our thinking from one of depletion of a limited resource to one of an ever-strengthening resource. I started this journey wondering if I had what it takes to give up my addiction. I now know that I do have what it takes, and "changing my mind" has been key. https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20230103-how-to-strengthen-willpower
Viewed subs last night. Not re-setting, since no PMO, but not happy about giving in. I've still got the ED going on, and I guess I'm just tired of dealing with that. I haven't O'd since Nov. 29, and not really feeling pent up necessarily; just ready to get it on with my gal. She's more than ready. We have agreed to keep "practicing" until we get it going again. Talking with my new therapist (third time later today) has been helpful. It's good to have someone to talk frankly with. But I get that here, too. Ready to turn the corner.
I know I've mentioned this before, but what would it look like if you stopped the ED meds? It could be, and this is purely conjecture on my part, that the meds are now tied into the whole performance thing. In other words, they are part of the pattern. Allowing your body to respond naturally might help to reestablish things. Once you feel your penis getting engorged, even half way, then you could reintroduce the drugs. Just a thought.
Since my P-sub foray the other night, I haven't felt right about keeping the counter intact. Too much history of giving myself a pass, leading to more peeking, etc., etc. So it's not the end of the world, and this is the right thing to do. Another bout of ED last night. It's depressing. I really do have to flip the switch somehow, because it works great until the exact moment I need it to. 5+ months of this is beyond the pale. Saville, I do think it's time to give up the meds, at least to see what happens. They're not working, so what's the point? They are not good for me, and my dependence on them is a problem. So, clean mind, clean body, clean life.
