Thanks path-forward and Rudolf Geyse. I really appreciate your support. We seem to be back on solid ground now, which of course is comforting, but now it's time for me to keep clean. I'm going to be away for the holiday (leaving very soon now), and she can't come this time, so will not see her until Saturday. Happy Thanksgiving!
No Nut November has ended up as just a Nuther November. I did go 8 solid days really clean, but chucked it night before last and then again last night. Why? No good reason. Stress relief, maybe, but I was home alone while the fiancee dealt with her work stuff, and that was the main reason. When unchecked by my routine of being with her, I need to control myself. I'm not used to that now, since I see her almost every night. So...gotta do the work like a big boy before I trash a really good thing.
Great insight Moz! I know how tough it can be as my wife travels a lot for biz. But you need to build up a list of other activities when on your own. And ofc fight the rationalization that you deserve it or it’s ok. Need to always be vigilant and fight the beast! you can do this my brother!
Thanks path-forward! Yesterday in a management meeting, we were talking about teleworking, and its benefits and drawbacks. There are good arguments for it, such as the fact that people can work when they're up to it but maybe fighting a cold or something and don't want to infect other people. But the metrics in our organization aren't good. Productivity for the teleworkers is way down, while for the people who have to come in and be physically present (some departments are like this), productivity is great. It's still important to be able to interact with real people the old fashioned way, by looking them in the eyes (their real eyes), instead of over a screen. But there is also the problem of not knowing what people are doing when you can't see them. And trusting them to do the right thing. Many people don't have the self control and discipline to stick to what they are supposed to do when unchecked. Which gets to my point. I am like that teleworker who often goes down the wrong path when unchecked. And that is not a pleasant reality to deal with. How can I change my pattern of straying from what I know will make me happy? Why can't I just "get it" and make the switch like many of our brothers here have done? Yeah, I've had a better time of it since I confessed my porn usage to the SO. But lately I'm fucking up again. So here I am, starting Day 2, and resolving again to finally get over the hump. I'll be here more, just writing my thoughts, as that always helps my mindset, but I've been doing that for years here. More years than I'd like to admit. So here's to a clean December. How about Don't Do Dumb Deeds December.
OK, let's do this then! Dr. Jekyll and Gil79, you have some days behind you already, so that's great! My goal is to get back to no-P at all, and while I'm at it, no P-subs either. They have been my nemesis. I conveniently forget that any taste of pixels that gets the dopamine flowing is going to keep me running in place. I'll be on another getaway with the fiancee after Christmas, so I've got all the incentive in the world to be really clean until then. But then, the biggest incentive to do this is to prove to myself that I can, and enjoy the benefits that it will bring. Staying clean for any period just makes me feel good, so why wouldn't I just make that my new way of being? Have a good day, gents.
Hmm, does this make me mister Hyde now? For me it is also necessary to leave out anything that can be considered P-subs. The same for sexual fantasy. A relapse always starts with sexual fantasies for me, often as a way to deal with stress
Lol, no it doesn't! We all want our Mr. Hyde's to go away. Yep. the subs are what get me. I'll start with pix of my fiancee, and many times just stop there, but I often edge to her pictures, and that's really damaging, even if my conscience justifies it. So, I'm going to do some work here, and keep the paws off the pud.
The SO is still getting over an illness, so sex hasn't been on the table for a while. This is a blessing for me, since my brain needs some time to clean out the crap that has been stewing for much of the year. Even though our sex was fairly consistently successful before my admission to her that I still looked a P occasionally, and got way less successful after that admission, I can't connect those dots and say my performance issues are not related to P. I think what has happened is that I've psyched myself out precisely because I haven't been truthful to her, because I haven't been clean. The half-ass approach to this, where peeking at subs is a regular thing, does NOT work! For me, P subs are porn. Period. One of my tasks today is to put our holiday mailer together, which has pictures of us from this year. So, yeah, looking at pixels of her, but I'm doing everything I can to focus on the task as if I wasn't an addict. So far so good.
It's been a good, clean week. No peeking, no jerking, etc. Yesterday was a bit difficult, but I have committed to my 4D December, and repeat it to myself whenever urges appear. Onward.
I've gone 12 days clean. But the SO wanted to have sex last night, since she's feeling better. It was sadly a replay of our recent attempts. She's convinced porn is to blame. I can't disagree with her. What I told her is that something changed for me psychologically after I admitted my porn use to her back in the early part of this year. That is certainly true. And the trauma that repeats itself every time she is devastated when I can't perform is keeping us stuck. My confidence will only return when I prove to myself that I am committed to putting this habit (in all its forms) into my past. My relationship will not survive unless I do that.
I feel your despair. When we compound this despair with our age we can find ourselves in an ever deepening rut. The question is, and I know you've asked yourself this many times: how does one reset? Personally, I've tried the easing into the things, the tame ways. The only way that I've seen work is to go full-commando. We can't take any prisoners and yes we have to burn the village down. That attitude was so foreign to me before. I am a pacifist and I hate confrontation. I hate bullies, and macho men, and knuckle draggers. I always believed I was one of the "sensitive" guys. How do we release that way of viewing the world? We have to say and mean: fuck everyone. We can't slide into a better way, our current understanding will always drag us back. We will never be enough (sounds like the song from The Showman lol) unless we chuck the lot. You can put on the perfect music and dim the lights until they are just the right. You can whisper the perfect things in her ear and it will never be enough. Anyway, etc, blah blah blah, you get the idea. Here's what I do when I feel the sense of commitment in myself waning. Well, you read on my journal what I wrote a few days...so that. But I will also play music that gets me filled with inspiration. I have a rotating list of songs that fucking get me jazzed and make me feel like a winner. Even at 65 I can conjure up the 20 year old who has his whole life ahead of him and is raring to go. I will go for a walk while I listen to the music and imagine the world is my audience, but they're an audience I don't give a fuck about. You like me? You love me? Fuck you! I love my wife more now than I ever did and it's because I love myself more. I don't fucking need permission to enjoy her vagina. I don't need to please her emotionally or sexually. She doesn't like how we relate or have sex? Tough! Moz, you are an amazing guy, a fucking great catch. She's just a fish in the sea, your SO. There are million women who would want what you have. Don't shut your brain off in fear and think "omg, I can't think that she's anything less than special." Yeah, she's special, but so what? How does that make you feel about yourself? See where I'm going? Yeah, of course you do. We must put ourselves first. Let that fuck-it missile hit you square in the heart. Every day I have to reinvent the guy who doesn't give a shit, because it doesn't come naturally. I strive everyday to be born again. You are absolutely enough!
Moz - I feel your pain and wish there was a way to make your SO understand that your addiction is not a reflection on her. That she needs to understand you are trying. And that sex can not have a report card mentality to it. But clearly that is easier said than done. Hang in there my friend and just remind yourself, as Saville said, that you are a great catch!
Moz, I actually worried last night that I had said too much. I can, and do, get overzealous when writing. In one way I'm glad I feel such passion, but I don't want to overstep. I only know what works for me...and it doesn't always work. I think I could've have summed up my last post in the following: we pay a price operating in the status-quo.
Actually, Saville, everything in your post resonated with me. I was at work when I read it, and sat there thinking about it for a while. Going "full-commando" is necessary, and is the same message I got from that post on your own journal that jolted me awake. Whatever the reasons for my anxiety, they will fade when I switch my thoughts from worrying about my dick and just get on with having a good time with her. She's anxious too, so we both need to chuck the fretting BS and let nature take its course. Because we love having sex together. And goddamn it, we should be fucking our brains out! Don't feel like you need to tone down your passion, man. Just let 'er rip
