Hey, Moz, have you considered doing a couple of months of no sex? Maybe your fiancee wouldn't be down for such a thing, but it might help break the cycle.
I would actually love to take an extended break. She'll probably be OK with that if I have a plan. She's right in being concerned that I'm not really taking concrete steps to address this.
Moz. Very sorry to hear about your rough time with your fiancée. And while I am clearly not a therapist, I do think the anticipation for sex is part of the issue with your performance anxiety. There seemed to be a lot of build up to the session. I don’t have a solution for that - except to spend more time with your fiancée - so that opportunities for sex are less unique and much less scheduled. Also - as I suggested a few weeks ago. Also try sessions that do not involve penetrative sex. Like oral and touch only. It can actually be very sensual if you use candles, music and low lights. Love the moment. Don’t make it a goal oriented session. You have made great strides with no PMO - even with the occasional relapse. And I believe that’s still the key with getting over PIED vs p subs. Tho ofc p subs don’t help. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I know it’s tough to also feel you need to manage your fiancée’s expectations. But emphasize to her - that the issue is in your own mind - it is not remotely a reflection of your attraction for her. Maybe as Saville suggested - take a break from penetrative sex for a while and just focus on pleasuring each other orally and with touch. btw. I take generic cialis daily. Either 2.5 or 5 mg. This way there’s no planning for sex.
Thanks for this path-forward. Yes, the ritual we have of expecting it to happen on "date night", after we've had a meal and alcohol, and in the same place with the same expectations, is in need of a change. None of that should be the cause of this problem of mine, but it's still part of it. We'll see if she's up for non PIV sex for a while. We both want it, since it's been fantastic when the equipment works. I'm looking into Cialis. Since it's a daily thing, it will probably be more expensive, but that's OK. I could ask my doctor if she would prescribe it for me, but the quantities of sildenafil she's authorized are small, so I think I'll need to find it somewhere online. There are lots of places to get it.
Moz. You are very welcome. And first of all - alcohol never helps! But definitely adding spontaneity is also very helpful. I use an online pharmacy myself. honeybeehealth dot com I use the generic Good luck brother!
Thanks, path-forward! You're right; alcohol doesn't help. But she relies on it to "loosen up" a bit. Which is fine, I suppose, but it also loosens her tongue, which isn't always helpful Starting a search for someone to talk to about this. The last time I did that didn't work out too well. Finding someone I feel comfortable confiding in isn't always easy. My hyper-sensitivity to pixels is a blessing and a curse. I need to stay away from them for an extended time. 30 days clean, I mean squeaky clean, is still out there. I can do it.
Had an introductory talk with a sex therapist (over the phone) yesterday. He's not in my part of the state, so if I decide to talk to him further, they will be virtual meetings. Which is probably fine. But after I gave him a quick synopsis of who I am (including my porn use) and that I could use some help with this ED I've been having so much lately, he mentioned that he doesn't see porn as inherently bad. I told him that I was addicted to it, and that it was very bad for me, as I was miserable when I was using, and wasted much of my life on it. I didn't even bring up the fact that most porn is supporting an industry that harms the performers; especially young women. I'm sure he's aware of this, but I just came away from the conversation with an uneasy feeling. He's also on the high side of the fee scale, so I'm going to keep looking. I'm not ruling him out, but we'll see.
Moz. Good for you in being proactive about looking for a sex therapist. Having used several therapists during my life with varying results - please trust your instincts. He does not sound like a good fit for you. You need a therapist who fully understands the harm from porn addiction. That’s like a recovering drug addict being told smoking weed once in a while is ok. It’s all about understanding addiction and how opening the door leads to more and more unhealthy behaviours. There are therapists who special in porn addiction who also may be able to counsel you on your love life as well. be patient brother. You deserve a therapist who fits your own needs.
First of all, good for you in looking for a therapist to help you deal with this. I might be looking for one also, but not a sex therapist just someone I can work through my issues with such as anxiety and adhd and other general stuff. Second, I'm a little surprised at how accepting of porn they are considering the work they're into. That would be concerning for me if I was in your shoes. But, I've seen this sentiment in other sex-related forums as well. Good luck in finding someone.
The guy has been sucked in by the machine. I doubt he'd say that same thing if you told him you were an alcoholic or heroin addict. And, this is what young people (and older) are facing now. Even the professionals lack intellectual rigor. Instead of listening to what people have to say most therapist can't wait to "school" potential clients. Unfortunately, they are duped by the gender studies courses they had to take at university, along with having professors who fall all over themselves as they walk the fence. As Camille Paglia says, and I paraphrase: these professors aren't scholars, but rather careerists. If you look at what happens when one of these hurricanes hits land. The men are out cleaning up the trees with chainsaws and the women are busy organizing all the other shit. In a catastrophe all the intellectual and philosophical arguments fall apart, as men and women fall in line with their DNA. A real therapist is someone who shows you how to use your own tool box. They work with you, learning as you learn. Moz, I think it's great that you are looking outside yourself in order to realize more fully your potential. Alone, you have made incredible strides. What if the next step of looking outside was looking at things that created action? I think we've all spent enough time inside our own heads, thinking, worrying, thinking, worrying, thinking. There are many things out there that stimulate our consciousness, as well as our bodies. Yoga is incredible. I never feel so alive, and sexual, as when I do yoga. Working out with weights is fine, but the repetitiveness of it doesn't stimulate in the right way, at least not for me. Feldenkreis is a form of neuromovement which I have found incredible. Walking in fields, hiking, dancing, these are all things that establish a connection with our bodies, which when we have ED or DE is exactly what we need. I don't believe a therapist will make you feel more alive. I think they will make you feel more in your head and possibly even more defeated. We have to: "be the change you want to see in the world." You don't need more information. You need more action. Don't let your woman's fears, her distress, her anxiety, her "I can fix him," drive the bus. Don't hold back your grander nature. As you move forward finding outside (active) instruction, you should always have the "fuck off" card in you back pocket, the one you take out when your SO is trying to overhaul your spirit. As always, this is just how I see it.
Thanks for your thoughts, guys. I just canceled my first appointment for this week. I will consider other ways of dealing with my anxiety, since, as you say, Saville, there is more than one way to skin a cat. Well, you didn't exactly say that, but I think that was the gist I agree with your statement that "You don't need more information. You need more action." That's right. When the fiancee and I left for vacation a few months ago, I wasn't exactly squeaky clean right before we left (though I did not go full-on into the porn). So I was a little worried about my performance with her. But after a long travel day of flying to Europe from California, we were exhausted when we got there (some fitful sleep on the plane kept us somewhat coherent, lol). So we powered through the rest of the day (which was already the second day, with the time change), had dinner, and then fucked like bunnies before bed. So there you go. I was too tired to worry about my performance, and the ol' johnson was more than ready to go. I hesitate to say that it's as simple as that, but it kind of is.
Had a really nice getaway weekend with the fiancee that was great for getting closer and connecting deeper. It's more difficult during the workaday madness. We had an encouraging beginning to our lovemaking, but penetration is still eluding me. She's being as patient as she can, and I know she worries that I'm not being as forthcoming as I could about what ails me. I've let some real porn back in for brief stints this past week, and it has reminded me of why I am giving it up. So, even though I released to a picture of her from our vacation, I still viewed subs and a little porn. So I'm resetting. Update: counter won't let me change the date, so will do that later. Going to be out of town visiting the family this week, so I won't see her until Saturday. I just need to stay clean until then. Have a great week, gents!
@Mozenjo good to hear you had an intimate get away with your fiancée. And please be patient. You are still progressing - especially with your focus on next steps. It’s all about taking steps forwards - even if there is an occasional step backwards. keep up your efforts my friend!
Have you thought of making love outside? If there is a chance of someone seeing you then so much the better. A park, a hiking trail, something like that would do. Don't tell her what you've got in mind.
I realize the above post sounds a little flippant. In my Covid fog it's all I could muster. (Yes, I finally caught Covid) Anyway, what I was getting at was a "change the narrative kind of thing." Something that feels a bit naughty, a bit dangerous, can really get the juices flowing. Just a thought.
Back in town after a week of helping my siblings get our folks' place ready to sell. Dad passed a few years now, and Mom really needed a change of scenery. Anyway, all good. She's in a very nice place.
Hey Saville, sorry to hear you got the bug. I had it while on vacation a few months ago. Losing my sense of smell and taste was by far the worst part of it. Speedy recovery, mate! As for your thoughts on mixing things up a bit, I couldn't agree more. The definition of insanity comes to mind: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. But it did work in the past, so it's not just when and where we do it. Still, as you say, getting adventurous sounds fun! When we were on our overnight trip last weekend, I was in a dressing room with her at her favorite clothing store. Seeing her try on clothes and take them back off again was a total turn on. I wanted to do her right there. But the staff kept checking on us, so it would have been pretty obvious
The fiancée and I had a good talk over the phone last night. She's not feeling well, and we were both exhausted last night, so I worked late and came home instead of to her place. Partly because the previous night was disappointing, in that we planned on having sex, but after a meal, some alcohol, and watching an old horror film, I just wasn't in the mood. So we had it out, discussing again how our sex life is not happening. To cut to the chase, we decided we would just try more often, because we both really want it, and that means it will happen if we (or I) stop making such a big deal out of it and just do it.
Moz - I think this is a profound insight! My wife said that a huge change in me - during our time trying to get things working again - was that I stopped getting very emotional about my failure to fully perform. I began taking an attitude of small steps forward - taking what nature gave me - and that made also her feel more relaxed and sensual feeling about our love making. She was no longer apprehensive, that I would be distant or angry after trying to have sex. So our attempts at sex began to have much less drama and feelings of anticipation. My wife and I both took a long term view of getting our love life back on track. And that helped greatly to make things much more relaxed, sensual and joyful between us.
