Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks, path-forward. Was home last night, and despite some temptations, I stayed the course. Whew!
     
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  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I saw "My Dinner with Andre" back in the day. I loved it! I'm going to look for it on one of the many streaming services I have.

    Great job staying the course!
     
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  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Great idea! I will do the same. I remember when "The Princess Bride" came out (pretty funny movie), and I saw Wallace Shawn in it and said, "hey, that's the guy from My Dinner With Andre"!
     
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  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    The entire movie is on youtube. :)
     
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  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Dove into the subs yesterday, and feeling like I just need to get out of the house before I do it again. It's amazing how I need to keep reminding myself that this shit produces no satisfaction, and when I look at pics of the fiancée, the equipment responds and tells me how foolish it is to keep playing with fire. But, I really have to stop looking at her pics too. They keep me stuck in the rut.
     
  6. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    Stay strong Moz!
     
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  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    The only way to stop circling the drain is to stop circling the drain. So I am doing that starting now.
     
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  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Had another sobering conversation with the fiancee. She said we are in "the best of times and the worst of times". If it weren't for my ED, she'd be happy as a clam. Same here. She said she's been taking care of business during my dry spell, and asked where I was in that regard. I said I MO'd night before last, which was true (was actually very early in the morning, which is why my date is where it is). She asked how I did it, and I told her it was to a picture of her, which was true. As is always the case, looking at her picture gets me going way more than the subs do. But prior to the actual O, I had looked at subs. So, my half-truth is wearing on me. She deserves better, and so do I.
     
  9. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    @Mozenjo While I respect your desire for honesty, please don’t be too hard on yourself. You were also protecting your fiancée’s feelings too.

    Start a new Streak with conviction. My goal is to celebrate the New Year with a long streak going!
     
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  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Went off the rails yesterday. I didn't see the fiancee last night, and she wasn't feeling well when I was there Saturday night, so no attempts at sex this weekend. It should have been a time for me to log some clean time behind me, but I went in the opposite direction. It's amazing how, once I start, I rationalize the content as not being "extreme" to the point where I feel like I've really cheated. So, regardless of how I sort of tried to avoid hardcore porn, it was really just a distinction without a difference. I went there, and wasted hours there yesterday. So I started the counter again, and will set it fresh if I don't meet my goals. I've been slipping more and more lately, and yesterday was the culmination of that. There are absolutely no "laurels" to rest on, and maybe I've been falsely convincing myself that I was making more progress than I actually was.
    A clean day ahead. I will not see her again tonight, so my first test will be then.
     
  11. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    Moz - Just get back on the horse and look forward. Fight hard to avoid any chaser affects.

    You got this brother!
     
  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks p-f. I'm back on the horse. Kept away from the computer last night, and didn't search the phone for pixels either. Back in the days when we had neither of those things, magazines were the thing. I don't miss that either, though. They helped me get to where I am now; trying to lose a life-long habit.
    Woke up with wood and feeling like making love to my fiancee. A good sign, but luckily that's probably not in the cards until this weekend. Some days of total abstinence are in order.
     
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  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Just a quick check-in. Not doing any of the things I know I shouldn't do, and as always, feeling good about that. Just gotta keep reminding myself that these good feelings should continue, instead of giving in to short-term dopamine fixes that end with terrible feelings. It's all about letting urges pass, and training my brain to do that consistently.
     
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  14. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    Moz. Great to hear! You are inspiring me as well!

    Let’s keep it going!
     
  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks path-forward! I was just doing some work, and thought about playing a word on Words with Friends on my phone, but put the phone right back down, because that's part of the instant gratification habit that makes it so easy to just pick up the damn phone whenever a thought passes by. My new habit must be to let that thought go, and if I must play word games on my phone (which in moderate doses may be good for my brain), then I will play them when the time is right, not just because it's "there" and I can.
     
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  16. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    Moz. I play speed chess on my computer to keep my brain sharp and I admit I find the competition exciting. I realise it provides some dopamine as well - but I haven’t noticed it affecting me in the same way as P. I think it’s because there is no sexual aspect to it, so no desensitisation from touch or visual.

    I would think words with friends should be a relatively healthy out let for you as well. Don’t be too hard on yourself
     
  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Actually, my point was not that I shouldn't do the word games, but rather that my habit of dropping whatever I'm doing because of the compulsion to play the game right now is unhealthy. It's the same compulsion that gets me onto YouTube, one of my onramps for bad activity. So, what I'm striving for is some impulse control.
     
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  18. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    Ahhh. makes A LOT of sense Moz. It's interesting with how my own mind works. I seem to find myself fixated on a certain girl or fetish. Fight it as hard as I can. But a relapse starts with a "quick" peek - in any attempt to quiet my OCD. But it tends to eventually work backwards ofc - and just put additional fuel on the fire. So I need to focus on not peeking with as strong energy as no PMO itself.
     
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  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean. I'm pretty sure I have OCD to a certain degree. The fiancee has it, and is on meds for it, so I'm no stranger to it. Let's face it; as addicts, we are obsessive about our drug of choice. I have often had a hard time letting a particular image move on out of my consciousness, but of course, if we just keep not acting on the compulsion to look at it, it will eventually pass. Maybe it's harder for some than others, but with practice, I think anyone can do it. This stuff ain't easy, but we will deal with the difficulty factor and get it done anyway :cool:
     
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  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Bad day yesterday. The fiancee wasn't feeling good Friday and Saturday, but I saw her anyway. We stayed away from sex, but she made it clear that if she was feeling better yesterday, then she was ready for it. Unfortunately, I wasn't. I stressed pretty hard on it at home yesterday, to the point where my anxiety was making me freak out. After 6 pretty clean days, I made the poor decision to relieve my anxiety with a bit of subs, but mainly looking at her picture. So there was some relief there, but I stopped before going very far. I got up and did some exercise and watched some football, which helped ease my nerves too. Took my ED meds, had dinner with her, and was feeling like maybe this time would be successful, but right at the point when I needed him, he petered out. She is done with this, and so am I. It's time to do something about this. I read Saville's great post this morning about therapy, and boy did that hit home. It's ME that needs to do the work, even if I find someone I can trust to help me with it. I googled "performance anxiety" a couple of weeks ago (last time it happened), and there was a website that sounded promising. Going to check it out again. But I must also finish weaning myself off pixels, no matter what they are. That's a big part of it. But somehow finding my way into a state of "flow", where I don't psych myself out the way I've been doing, is necessary.
     

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