Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I'm hanging in there, sam.
    Logged in to print some stuff for work and check in here. Now time to shut 'er down and head out.
    Have a great day!
    Saville and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Doing OK, though on Wednesday night (technically very early Thursday morning) I dabbled a bit with some subs. My dick was deader than a doornail, so there wasn't any arousal going on. Until I looked at the GF's pix. So last night I was at her place and convinced her to have a go. It was a very satisfying go! Staying away from all pixels today - of women anyway -I unfortunately have to work on the computer every day. Can't wait for vacation away from work and all the other routines.
    Rudolf Geyse and Saville like this.
  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, despite the P-subs, I have been having great real sex lately. Hoping I've finally pulled out of the funk from earlier this year.
    Leaving in a few hours for a few weeks.
    Catch up with y'all later. Keep up the good work!
    StarWarsFan and Saville like this.
  4. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Moz, enjoy your time away!
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, Moz, what's up?
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Hey there Saville,
    I've been back in the country for a week and a half, but just now posting again. We had a great time abroad, and it was wonderful being away from the routines. Our sex was mainly good, but we got sick for a few days, and had some arguments on some others, so there were also missed opportunities and ED issues. I have lots of pictures of her from the trip, and have been looking at them a bit too much, really. Pixels are pixels, and whether it's because of looking at vacation pix or just the old habits hanging on, I've been wasting time on P-subs as well. Last time was a couple of days ago. So I'm going to stop looking at pictures, even of her. It makes a difference, of course, and is my last hurdle before I can feel like I'm truly making progress on this rocky road to recovery I'm on.
    Thanks for checking on me, friend. Hope all is well.
    Rudolf Geyse, StarWarsFan and Saville like this.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Great to hear things are going well!

    Once you ditch the peeking you will discover an even more incredible Moz! I'm excited for you!
    Mozenjo likes this.
  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I've been purging stuff from the closet under my stairs for about an hour now. I need to get my house either ready for my future wife to move into, or for me to prepare for sale if we decide to buy another house together. Either way, since I'm something of a slob and pack rat, getting rid of stuff is necessary. I don't spend much time in my house anymore, since I'm at her house almost every night, and then drive home after sleeping there for several hours so I can miss traffic and catch a couple more hours here before getting ready for work. But I do spend much of my weekends here. At least during the day. Anyway, this transition phase is getting old.

    Watched the finale of Better Call Saul last night. I found it quite poignant. With the writers who continued on this series after Breaking Bad, it was pretty much destined to be great.

    So, after getting a little emotional watching the highlights of that episode again this morning, then going through some gifts I've gotten over the last few years from my fiancée while cleaning the closet, and dealing with heavy regrets at spending so much of my life on this addiction, I broke down. I couldn't pin down a main reason, but I'm tired today, and it is probably just all of the above hitting me at once.

    I've read most of the Easy Peasy method referenced in some others' posts, and I would recommend it. I was letting the P-subs back in way too much, and knew it was just a matter of time before I dove back into the PMO if I didn't make a change. Bottom line is still the same after all this time: it's a soul-crushing addiction that I don't need, is not normal, and must be abandoned completely or it will not go away. After 6 days of full monk mode, I came home this morning and allowed a little YouTube searching, that with Safe Search on, didn't get the dopamine firing, but still was out of bounds. It only set me back in the sense that I allowed it, and I knew better. After some more sleep, I feel I'm back on track to keep the resolve strong and not peek anymore. It's been said a million times on these boards, but there is no such thing as a single peek. For me, starting the search, even for ultra-tame stuff, is a fail. And I'm sure letting it happen had something to do with me breaking down this morning.

    I'll read some posts here this weekend. I haven't been checking in much at all lately, and I enjoy reading about the journeys we're sharing.
    Saville and path-forward like this.
  9. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Hey Moz. Great to hear you are staying strong and focused. Good for you brother!

    And "breaking down" and acknowledging regrets for your past is a major step and hopefully as cathartic for you, as it was for me. I think feeling great about your future as you do now, can cause one to look back and "release" the regrets of the past - so that you can move FORWARD in a healthy manner. Look at expressing your deep feeling of emotion - as a great sign that you are fully ready to embrace living a full life in the present!

    and totally agree with you re the P subs. They are my biggest temptation, even beyond peeking - as they are much more subtle and insidious - sneaking up on you when not ready for them.

    I find playing on-line chess, reading YBR or watching one of the TV shows or movies on my "saved list" helps get me out of the temptation to start searching for the dopamine fix.

    I have been clean of P -subs for about a week now -def helping. But still get the urges. Just part of the life of an addict.

    We both need to keep fighting so that we can truly breathe in the present and love ourselves. And ofc be a much better partner to our SO as a result.

    keep up the great work! And thanks for sharing.
    Mozenjo, Libertad and Saville like this.
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you much, path-forward. And a big thanks for the easy peasy recommendation. It's a no-nonsense primer. I think it's interesting that they make a big distinction between addiction and habit, and that we are fighting an addiction much more than just a habit. All addicts must commit to stopping, and then just stop. Easy, right? It actually is, when you think of it as just not doing something.
    Good for you for staying away from the subs for a week. I was at 6 days until yesterday and today. My ability to self-sabotage is staggering to me sometimes. When I have successful real sex, the satisfaction is amazing. When I suffer from PIED, I feel like complete shit. I know that, like our friend Saville, if we just stay "sober", and stop the using (including subs!), the ol' fella will come back and be, well, "old faithful" once again.
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  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I came home early yesterday to finish working here, since the building I work in downtown has A/C problems and my office was sweltering. California is in a crazy heat wave right now. Ugh. Anyway, I peeked again, which must stop. Now.
    Saville likes this.
  12. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Hey Moz! Was actually going to ping you - as I hadn’t seen a post from you in a few days.

    very sorry about the heat in CA! And your office AC.
    Hopefully it subsides soon

    so we are together now in our renewed focus on
    No p subs and NO peeking. let’s both focus on staying strong!

    for me the key is to finally look at p subs and peeking as insidious as PMO/MO itself. They all put you on a path of relapse.

    Let’s fight this battle together!
  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Sounds good, bud! My gateway is often looking at pictures of my fiancée. It's ironic that doing so can jeopardize my ability to perform with her. But it is, as they say, what it is (we old farts used to use the term "so be it" for this :D). Reality bites sometimes.
    Saville likes this.
  14. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Yup! Got to face reality.
    It’s great you find your fiancée attractive - but do it in person. Not using pixels.

    stay strong my brother!
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I don't think that's what's at issue, if you don't mind me saying. :) You just haven't let yourself go. It takes a while before we realize we are not Sisyphus pushing that boulder up the mountain. We have to tell ourselves we are worthy. YOU are worthy! You have done incredibly, Moz. Over the years I've known you here I have really pulled for you, and that you, this year, kicked the habit is what people call miraculous. Of course, you always had the strength in you to do it, but your heart changed this year and golden sunlight fell inside you. It's real. It's hear to stay. It's not going anywhere. The tight rope is an illusion, my friend. From where I'm looking you have both feet on the ground.
    Mozenjo likes this.
  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I don't mind at all, Saville. I've gone back and forth on why my ED persists, even when I'm taking the blue pill. Your comments on it being more about my PTSD over my near-breakup (after confessing my P use) rang true. The times I've been virile since then are when my confidence is high and I don't dwell too much on things. Before my confession, I did view porn, albeit at a much lower frequency than I used to, and for the most part, things worked OK. Not always, mind you, but compared to post-confession, much more regularly. I think my continued viewing of subs and the associated guilt has kept my state of mind stuck (as in not progressing). I still feel like a liar for not really being where I want to be in my recovery. Yeah, I should be kinder to myself I guess, but that shouldn't mean allowing the things I don't want to allow and giving myself a pass for that. So the solution is to keep moving forward, and truly take the next step.
    Hmm, if letting myself go means letting the guilt go, then I would agree with that.
    Thank you. You know I've appreciated your support all these years. A lot. I do feel good for not watching porn videos for six months now. I don't miss that, even if I run clips in my head from time to time. But even that's rare. Not sure if I would call what I've done miraculous (see above), but it is one big step in the right direction.
    "The tightrope is an illusion". Very well said. We create our own hell. And we can and should let that go and create the bliss we deserve. Thanks again, my friend.
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  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Just posted on Saville's thread about the emasculation of males in society, and was going to delve into a related topic, but thought it best to do so on my own thread.
    Not to get too political here, but the polarization in this country is disturbing for many reasons. What bothers me the most is how extreme many of the politicians have become, if only for their own gain, and not because of the "principles" they espouse. Demonizing the other side and getting one over on your "enemies" seems like it's the only motivation. I mean, let's face it, it's always been like that to a point. But things have gotten out of hand, and are frankly getting dangerous. I think most people are still in the middle zone, but I can only hope the extremes start shrinking (or at least stop growing) instead of squishing the middle to a pulp. OK, rant over.
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  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    So last night was frustrating, if not predictable. I took a relatively large dose of V in prep for a long overdue session of love making. But still no go. This ED has to stop. It's been a couple of months since we had a good bone. A couple of times since then were less than disastrous, but that's not good enough for either of us. She wants me to seek help. I need help. Living squeaky clean will be a good start, beginning with truly eliminating the pixels. Along with that, like I said in yesterday's post, I must get out of my own way. This is not new territory for me. I've often psyched myself out of being successful over the course of my life. Reasons aren't always easy to discern, but suffice to say that anxieties can build on each other to the point where I create problems that only exist in my mind. Clearing out the clutter from my attic, so to speak, so that I have more clarity and live more simply, seems like a good next step.
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2022
  19. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo very sorry to hear of your disappointment - but you had mentioned your fiancée could be a bit impatient in regard to initial expectations. I think that can also be a factor, as well. I think overall you may just be being hard on yourself (pardon the pun!).

    You may ask to try some “exercises” that have worked for me in past - when I felt anxiety was part of the issue. I learned these from a sex therapist I saw many years ago - when I went through an OCD level of performance anxiety for a couple months.

    initial approach - have a naked cuddling session with no sex assumed.

    Another approach - only assume oral sex for both partners.

    The idea is to learn to just relax and just have fun with your love making. Creating greater intimacy between you two - and not create high expectations.

    and if your fiancée has mixed feelings on this approach - you can obviously always commit to pleasuring her orally.

    and I totally agree with you on the extreme views on both sides of the political aisle. Hopefully there’s a way back to tone things down.
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  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Updated my MO date to today, since this morning when I got home from her place I quickly rubbed one out. Looked briefly at a picture I took of her last night (clothed, of course), but shut that down right away and finished the job sans pixels. I justified doing this to thinking a "clean" release might do me good. We'll see.
    Saville and path-forward like this.

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