Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.
Well said, Moz
I 'pm'd you this today, Saville, and thought it would be useful to post it here as well.
Thanks for checking in, Saville, and I always appreciate what you have to say
In today's morning meditation (reading), I read something that resonated deeply with me. In effect, it was that 'Jesus was here to present a viewpoint, not defend a viewpoint'.
Over the years, I've learned that the demons we think we need to fight, are not necessarily the same as those that we need to face.
Keep up your excellent efforts!
Had a nice weekend getaway. We did a grueling hike one of the days, and I wasn't sure I'd have the stamina for bedroom calisthenics that night, but she was patient this time and stayed positive. Voila! Success! She said we need to do it more often. How right she is. Round 2 was last night, and she did not need to be patient this time . So, practice makes perfect!
Healing from PMO is not linear, but it does happen. Pumped at your successes. Not jut the bedroom calisthenics, but your outlook.
Thank you Saville. Turning the corner on this thing has been an amazing experience, mainly because it has shown me that I don't have to accept porn as part of my life. I always knew I would have to get past it if I was going to be happy, but I was still a dutiful slave to it. I'm not out of the woods, however. As we all know, this thing doesn't just go away. It's always available, and therefore so easy to fall back on. P-subs are still dogging me, and that's just something that has to go for me if I'm really going to feel like I'm in a good place. The fiancée and I are ready to get past our recent troubles and enjoy ourselves. We have some lost time to make up.
I have been allowing the P-subs to the point where the old habits are rushing back, and it's becoming automatic again. I can't let this continue. Having real sex is great, of course, but if there is a drawback to it, it's that I want more and more, and my brain still considers looking at pictures as a suitable surrogate. Which it is the opposite of. So, I'm cutting it out. No stimulation unless I'm with her. This needs to be the basic ground rule, period.
The part of the mind that craves P stimulation only has one trick and that's to make you chase dopamine. The good news is that further we get away from P and the subs, the weaker its voice. You've totally got this. Be your own rock star!
Thanks, man. Yes, the craving for dopamine is strongest when we keep the drip flowing. My choice is her, not the dope. I can't have it both ways. I should be grateful that my new reality is that just looking at subs brings the ED back, as it did Monday night. The brain doesn't know a sub from "real" porn anyway. Maybe someday that will sink in
Tonight will mark 7 squeaky clean days. For whatever reason, Friday and most of Saturday I was feeling out of it; I suppose brain fog is a good description. Maybe having to do with abstaining and possibly flatlining, but it could just be depression. So, going into date night last night, I wasn't really feeling confident that the pecker was going to be up to the job, as I wasn't feeling horny at all for days. Sure enough, even after the blue pill, no go. She's as tired of that as I am. So the depression continues.
Of course, the solution is to keep doing what I'm doing and stay clean. I'm going to get some cardio in today. I haven't been exercising nearly as much as I should.
You know, you are allowed to say no to sex. Sometimes we just aren't horny.
Also, 9 days squeaky clean changes our brain chemistry and the body has to catch up.
Wow, it's been a week since posting. A nice, clean week, but tempered by another bout of ED last night. This time it was at least partially caused by exhaustion. I worked hard in the yard for 2+ hours in the hot sun, and though I did a decent job of staying hydrated, it still really took it out of me. She looked great as usual, but unfortunately, when healing from this stuff that doesn't matter.
I know this is just part of the process. But I was in the mood yesterday until I worked myself out of it. Just gotta slog through this.
It's been 2 weeks since looking at the subs. It takes at least that much time lately to recover to the point where I can perform. Time for a clean week 3.
Staying off the p-subs, as you've pointed out, is super important. It's like when I was fat and was trying another round of dieting. I was always looking for a substitute for chocolate, chips, cookies, milkshakes and burgers & fries. There aren't any. You either eat healthy or you don't. I was used to eating a meal and then having something sweet afterward. Now I eat and know that there is nothing else to reach for. My mind still craves dessert, but I don't go looking for it.
It can be hard to see progress when we are used to our own perceived failures, but from where I'm looking you are doing incredibly well. Keep it up!
Back to report a relapse. Full enough to set me back to zero. At least counter-wise, though I still don't feel like I'm in the same place I was a few months ago.
After going 3 1/2 weeks without any O, I was at that uncomfortable stage where just taking a whiz made me feel like I was going to spontaneously come. So, Friday night we tried again to have sex, and though the hardness wasn't happening (too many bouts of P-subs lately to allow that to happen), after some rubbing it finally started to happen and before you know it I let it all out (on her, not in her). I felt guilty about that, and spent time going down on her, which she enjoys. But she was still disappointed. So yesterday morning after breakfast we tried again and finally had real sex. It was a very nice Father's Day present for both of us.
She left for a week out of town later that morning, and since I wasn't going to see my sons (we'll celebrate Father's Day later), I was alone in the house. After releasing two times in as many days, I felt like doing it again. Especially since I had done a bunch of work around the house and in the yard, and convinced myself that I deserved it. So, even though I still haven't gone to a porn site to watch hardcore videos since early March, I still got into the P-subs for an extended period and MO'd to it. It was a relapse, make no mistake, and last night before bed I did some more viewing (was done with O, so at least I didn't go there again). This all felt way too familiar. I'm feeling guilty for getting so far off track. But I really haven't gone more than a couple of weeks without viewing pictures of some sort. That's gotta change. I'm calling yesterday a PMO day.
OK, back on the horse. I won't see her until a week from today, and I'm going to be clean until then. In 3 weeks we go on a long vacation together, and my goal is to be squeaky clean until then so we can have some good sex while we're away.
Sex makes us feel like more sex, which is wonderful, but MO also makes us feel like MO'ing.
We are in charge. We accept who we are at this moment. We come back to the center of ourselves. We become reacquainted with this person and know that this person, our home spirit, is where we belong. We aren't the expectations that have been layered on us...just ourselves.
Staying off of P, PMO, p-subs, and not wanking, helped me to understand what I just wrote. Suddenly one day I was sitting at the kitchen table and I just felt like myself. I recognized this person and knew that was the real me. The persona I "developed" over decades was never quite me. The loud voice I used, which was deep and resonant, was not actually MY voice. This was a huge realization. I learned to speak normally, to not listen and shape my voice based on the fantasy I had about myself.
More importantly, sex became different. If I'm me, I don't worry about my performance, because as me I'm not performing, just being me. As ourselves we are good enough. We are so good we are great. So, yes, stay away from all that bullshit you mentioned, but also realize that each time we engage with another human it is not a proving zone.
To the outside world I am a husband and father. To my wife I'm her partner and lover. But, to me I am only ever myself. As myself I can love and be a lover, but I'm not a lover. It is hard to stay in ourselves but we just need a little bit of practice.
Right on point. I totally agree with what you said.
I have had a few rare climpses of what you described lately.
Glad that you are still sticking around here.
The way back to ourselfes.
Have a great week.
Right. So, in those instances when we've decided that MO is "worth it" (and I realize that when one is not in a relationship that may be more often), the challenge is to MO without P or P-subs. That remains a goal, and though I'm getting better at it, I am obviously not out of the woods.
This is great, Saville.
Over the last few years, after I heard from different sources that our thoughts are not our identities, I have tried to understand this concept in a deeper way than just thinking, "yeah, I get that". In other words, who we have believed ourselves to be over the course of our lives shapes our thoughts, which then reinforces our beliefs, etc. So, really "getting it" is difficult, because we're trying to understand it with the same brain we created these perceived identities with. So we do have to step outside of that somehow. It can just hit you when you're not trying to find it, like you mention here, or you can try other methods, like maybe meditation. But I agree that it's a goal very much worth pursuing. Gives new meaning to the term "monk mode"
Yes, this. I'm very confident that when I get some real distance behind me and this last lapse, the "organic" way of making love will just happen. Organically.
A very nice way to sum up this wonderful post of yours, my friend.
More viewing the last couple of days. Not good.
I think my pre-frontal cortex (PFC) needs to start doing its job better. My impulse control has been slipping. In a book I'm reading, a description of PFC problems is as follows: "diminished conscience, poor judgment, impulsivity, desire to seek excitement, short attention span, disorganization, trouble learning from experience, poor time management, and lack of empathy." Alrighty then. They go on to say that supplements that raise dopamine levels could help. Hmm. I would rather not go down that road unless I have to. I'll keep working on my issues without taking substances. But my impulsivity and lack of follow-through in redirecting my urges needs to shift from the status quo.
A good night with the fiancée. Hadn't seen her in 6 days, so we were both ready. I managed to stay hard enough to do the job, but just barely. After my release, I went back and worked on her. She enjoyed it, but I'm sure she would have preferred it if I was able to stay hard for a more "normal" session. Me too! So, chaser be damned. I'm not going to give in today. 2 more weeks until we go on our vacation, and I will be here until then to stay grounded and keep my eyes on the prize. Clean, clean, clean.
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