Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Often I do ride A to B, but I give myself the latitude not to.

    Yep, and he will be!

    Telling your gf that you were addicted to P did a number on you. Yes, the truth will set you free, except when it doesn't. I am in no way chiding you, btw. It could very well be that you needed to tell her so that you would get on your present streak of abstinence. I know that my wife finding out that I was cheating on her changed my behavior in a big way; sometimes we need a jolt. However, once we are figuratively exposed we need to find a way to readdress the balance in the relationship. What does that look like? For me it meant not having to be sorry about anything. I was practically born apologizing. Everything that went wrong, including the death of a family member when I was young, was a little bit my fault. This is why when we don't meet expectations in the bedroom we take on a burden that exceeds what's happening.

    It is almost impossible just to chill out enough so that we don't worry about our boner. The boner becomes less of an issue when we claim the right to be who we are. Here's a for instance. Yesterday the wife complained that me going to the gym was ruining the afternoon's schedule, because she wanted to go shopping and then to for drive in the country. I could've said in a reasonable tone "oh, you didn't convey that to me earlier in the day when we were eating breakfast together, or after when you went into the yard to do gardening." I knew that my wife had just suddenly decided she would like to go out with me and then tried to guilt trip me into doing her bidding. She would've thrown my reasonableness in my face. Now, there are times when I would be amenable to changing my plans, but I had "promised" myself that I would work out. I simply said "I can go for a drive after my workout, but I can't go shopping. See ya, hon!" And, out I walked out. Little moments like this allow me to hold onto my male power, my sense of who I am. If a woman loves and cares for us then they will understand, even if they don't like it. When we are the "good little boy" then our partner is always in the driver's seat.

    We also have to make love on our terms. That might mean ramming the cock in before the woman is lubricated. Sound heavy handed? Yes, it is, but it does something inside a man's mind. You are my woman, this is my right. In the wrong context that sentence sounds awful and is proof that males are indeed toxic. But, when we've been emotionally castrated we have to reestablish a balance. Your track record of a caring person is well proven, so a bit of brutishness is fine. Feeling your cock hurt from pinching, but not caring because you are on a mission, actually feels emotionally good. You are telling yourself: I matter. This is what I did. I also allowed myself to fantasize a bit, but I hardly needed to because the act of being a brute was freeing and it freed my wife too. In other words: while we have the boner we need to get thrusting, this precludes us getting into our heads.

    I am so pumped up by what you've accomplished, my friend. Great things are happening and even better things are on their way. Keep the faith!
     
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  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Saville! What a great post to start the day with! I will say that I'm sure she would love it if I just grabbed her and brought her to bed and boned the crap out of her. Since Saturday night, it's been on my mind a lot. We're both aching for it.
    I now have 7 days behind me with no searching for any pix. Not even of her. The brain needs a break from all of it. A good, long break. 2 months with no PMO and 2 weeks with no MO is nice, too. I do see that time heals parts of the brain rather quickly, but those ruts and fissures are deep, and it will take years for them to fill in. The rest of my life, really. So be it. I welcome that.
     
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  3. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Ahhh bike rides..... I adore a good ride and deliberately stop randomly for a beer or coffee along the way. Those rewards and the spontaneity of random stops are such great replacements to some of the elements of PMO that drew me in to that activity.

    Saville, your example of your response to your wife is such a great highlight of the clarity and self confidence we need. Thank God it comes naturally to us as our brains heal. But PMO... man, it dulls us and puts us to sleep. We have little to no ability to stick up for ourselves while under the sway of PMO. We are pulled into the tide of unhealthy compromises and conflict avoidance when we need to have some conflict. Passivity and conflict avoidance have been among the worst effects of PMO in my life, besides the obvious shame and reduced self confidence.

    Moz I am so happy to follow your season of growth and health. It shouldn't be a surprise that there are some obstacles as you forge your way forward. You know you are going in the right direction. Don't make the difficulties a bigger thing than they really are . Thankfully you had some experiences of great sex to reassure you of this fact. But you are going uphill and it's the right direction and surely there will be some nice plateaus where you can enjoy the view!
     
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  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, 2 weeks of total monk mode really paid off last night. I've reached the point where the cause and effect of my behavior has shone a bright light on what works. And what doesn't. If I just keep refraining from pixels and MO, my brain will eventually heal to the point where I don't feel like I have to rely on the meds. I do feel like I probably could've done it "au naturale" last night, but it had been so long, I did want some insurance. Anyway, when we decided to retire to the bedroom, she asked if I wanted music and some dancing beforehand, but my foreplay was looking at her while we were eating dinner and watching our show. That's all I needed. I've been aching to do the nasty all week. So we just got down to it. We were both really happy about that.
     
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  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Two things: 1) I'm so happy for you. :D 2) I'm not surprised.

    As has been written here many times: Neurons that fire together, wire together.
     
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  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yep, it's basic chemistry. PIED is predictable, as is healing from it by just stopping the porn.
    Thank you, Saville!
     
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  7. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Congratulations !
     
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  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I had a setback last night. A super stressful day, which I suppose is why I allowed myself a peek. So, some viewing of P-subs, which is regrettable, considering how obvious their tie to my ED is. I still didn't O to them, but should not have gone there in the first place. I was kind of pissed off at the GF (dumb reason), but still, once I looked at her picture, it was game over, and I O'd immediately. So I'm clearly wired to her, but I'm also still getting my wires crossed.
    This is a setback, but I need to just make it a bump in the road. Back to monk mode. It's the only way.
     
  9. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Going through a rough patch. I'll be coming here more often to help stay on the straight and narrow. I have a ton of stressors in my life right now, but getting off course here is making the stress worse. I haven't completely crashed and burned, but if I don't stop messing around, it will be bound to happen. I have much too much to lose by doing that.
     
  10. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    It is not worth it.(PMO) It never was.
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2022
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  11. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Cheering you on Moz. I had a great six weeks and then gave in over the last week. It's not worth it. Perhaps there's something more dramatic than normal for you to change things up? A quick night away, or a big day off hike/bike ride? Anything to break up the normalcy and serve as a healthy coping mechanism?
     
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  12. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Glad you're continuing to step up to the plate, Moz:)
    As Saville has mentioned previously, the only thing your brain wants at this point is dopamine.
    Remember the adage "Man does not live by bread alone"? Our brains 'not living by dopamine alone' is just as true.
    Every time you reach this fork in the road, is an opportunity to feed your mind something different. Rather than seeking pleasure, what else can you feed your mind?
    There's a ton of love available, just for the asking.
    Keep up your most excellent efforts:D
     
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  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Guys, many thanks for your messages. I'll respond over the weekend, but wanted to let you know I'm righting the ship and committing to continuing where I left off a few days ago. Going there (peeking) was not worth it, that's for sure.
     
  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Some thoughts on my recovery:

    Remembering to stop and redirect the momentum when the habit intrudes, and then actually moving on to something else, is hard work. The easy days were great. I felt like I was finally going to do this. I still feel that way, but these last bouts of peeking made me remember again that constant maintenance is required.

    Libertad and realness, giving in to the urges is absolutely not worth it.
    NCBob, yes, I do this for the dopamine. Coping with stress is hard, but if looking at pictures doesn't reduce stress anymore, then finding a healthy replacement activity that actually does, and that I can reliably turn to when I want a P fix, is absolutely necessary. Countless times I've coached myself out of doing the wrong thing, only to cave a little later. So if the little victories don't add up to winning the day, it's hard not to argue that the day was lost.

    A couple of weeks ago, I got into a little fender bender while in rush hour traffic. I looked down at my phone and rear-ended someone. Her car seemed to be fine, but since my car was older, the insurance company decided to total mine due to some structural damage that would cost more than the car was worth. If that isn't enough to get someone to stop looking at their phone when they drive, then what is? Unlearning my habit of taking my eyes off the road is going to take some work. I'm looking for another car now. My life was disrupted, and now I have to shell out a bunch of money because of something totally avoidable.

    The parallels to our habit here are pretty obvious. Habits don't just die on their own. We have to create new habits at the same time we don't act on the old ones, or our brains won't know what to do with themselves. And reminding ourselves of the pain the old habits brought us must be one of those new habits.
     
    Last edited: May 14, 2022
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  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I'm living again with the consequences of my behavior. For whatever reason, my sensitivity to viewing pictures is heightened to the point where the ED rears its head whenever I've gone there. I'm sure it has everything to do with my admission to my GF of my problem. So, things have changed. Instead of dreading this new normal, I should be embracing it. It is forcing me to stop the viewing. Completely. The dates in my signature are technically correct, but what really matters is that it's only been a few days since I viewed pics, and about 6 days since MO. Both of those have done damage. What worked so well last week was staying clean, really clean, for a couple of weeks. So instead of banging my head against the same wall, how about if I do what I KNOW will make me happy? Criminy sakes.
     
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  16. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    The GF asked again if I have been looking at porn. I said that I had not, and that I had only been looking at pictures of her. So I wasn't truthful. If I told her that the content of what I've been viewing is "tame" or not supporting the porn industry, both of which are debatable, she would not be relieved. She wants to get to the bottom of my problem. And her past history with boyfriends with porn issues makes her wary. I told her that my brain still needs to heal, and that the last two times I was able to perform were after 2 week abstinences from any pictures or MO. That is true, and I told her I am committed to staying away from both of those things so that we can get on with a healthy sex life. That is also true. I'm not feeling very good about myself right now. The guilt surrounding my betrayal to her and myself is hard to deal with. The only way to effectively deal with it is to live up to my promise and stay clean. I feel great when I do that.
     
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is the only truth that is important. A woman, a lover, a wife, is not entitled to know all the inner workings of our brains.

    You are accomplishing great things here. You don't have ED, you have PTSD. You WILL recover, but be gentle with yourself.
     
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  18. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I respectfully disagree, Saville. When we fudge on our answers, we create mistrust in our relationships. True healing can only occur when we're honest with ourselves and our partners. Otherwise, we never deal with the underlying emotions keeping us going in circles with ourselves and our partners.
     
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  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Let me ask you this @NCBob , are you involved in a relationship at the moment? If so, did you divulge to this person everything? Not just your former PMO use, but anytime you looked at a picture? If you are in a relationship, or were, how did that go for you? Perhaps you could write something in your journal about your recovery. I'm not trying to be pissy or start anything. You and I don't agree on how much to tell a significant other, that's clear, but for me, and the board, I think it would be useful to hear about your recovery. As a recovered veteran with over 500 days of being PMO free I think a success story would also be great.
     
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  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    NCBob, a couple of months ago, you wrote:
    Since this topic has come back around, my response to your viewpoint is that deciding what beans to spill is sometimes elicited when we aren't prepared to answer. This is common to everyone at some point. And when we feel flat-footed and gasping for a calm response, when inside we're gripping hard and having a serious "oh shit" moment, we either spill it all, lie through our teeth, or say something in between. I felt regret at not responding truthfully, but I could have responded by telling her truthful things that would be helpful to the conversation without divulging things I'm obviously still working on that would not have been helpful. You can call that "lying by omission", which I heard from my first wife many times, and that argument can certainly be made. We each have to decide what to omit. As long as we're working toward a better relationship, and not just lying to save our skin, then it can be the most practical way to move forward.

    I'm not exactly sure what you are disagreeing with Saville about. He said "A woman, a lover, a wife, is not entitled to know all the inner workings of our brains". I couldn't agree more. No one is entitled to know everything, and I think you have shown that you agree with that. Yes, relationships must be based on honesty, or they will fail. But you are a divorcee like me, so you know that communication between spouses is very often a difficult dance. I see how Saville's marriage has recovered over the years he's been here with us, and I am envious of how he has gotten to the point at which he now seems to be. I want my fiancée to be my spouse until I leave this earth, and if we can weather the storms from a couple months ago, I may get my wish. Getting past my addiction is going to be necessary. She's on my side. She knows I'm trying hard to make changes. and the best way to prove that is to keep making progress.
     
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