Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I remember the time my pecker would not get hard. I was actually with one of the women I cheated with. She was devastated because she thought I didn't find her attractive. She hadn't had sex with her husband for a long time and so she already believed that she was past it physically. I felt the weight of her devastation and added that onto my own. I don't think I have ever felt so low in my entire life, not even when my parents died. I walked around like a zombie, I felt numb, I wished that I had never, ever, cheated, and told myself that's what comes from being a low-down dirty liar. If a bus had hit me I would've welcomed it.

    I didn't see the woman for some time after that. We kept texting, but I was on auto-pilot. One day she told me to come over, as her husband was out of town. I agreed, but secretly hoped and prayed that she would not want to try having sex; I didn't think I could cope. She did want to have sex and as it turns out, so did my pecker. I had decided that I would just mess around, but that I would not try penetration. It wasn't epic, but I did stay hard and came.

    Women simply do not understand how deflating, how defeating, and how demoralizing the above scenario can be for a man. I wrote a lot about me, but only to show you that the body knows when it's ready. The great news is that because we now know a new low, we can also welcome a deeper, and more lasting, joy.

    Keep fighting!
     
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  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you for this, Saville. I would say it's more our minds than our bodies keeping us from performing when we really think we want to. We don't get hard whenever the wind blows anymore. When we were young, yes, the body seemed to have a mind of its own. BTW, the gf doesn't like it when I use the word "performing". She doesn't think it's a performance. And in a sense, she's right. It should just be a natural function of our maleness. I told her, "the spirit is willing..." But you're right, something affected me deeply. These last 6 or so weeks have been some of the most difficult I've ever gone through. Two breakups (from the same woman!), with the last one involving the admission of my addiction. As sexually attracted as I am to her, these things have not been sorted out by my internal processor. Time will help. Writing about it here helps. Thanks again, my friend.
     
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  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Truckin' along. Urges come and go, and less frequently. Not acting on them brings so many benefits, the most important of which is knowing that it gets easier the further away I am from it. The once a week habit was never going to be sustainable. Feeling like shit for days afterward, and then doing it all over again a few days after that was obviously destructive. I have to make sure that I keep it as a "was" situation, and not an "is" situation. Yes, admitting it to the gf gave me even more reason to finally put it behind me. Whatever works.
     
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  4. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    A complete month is close. Good job in staying on track!
    As you said, whatever works.
     
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  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Libertad. I really appreciate your support!
     
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  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Day 30 in progress.
    The night of Day 28 was another night of arguing with the GF. Our issues seem to center around me getting bent at things she says. She can be what I perceive to be dismissive of what I am saying, which is a huge trigger for me. The biggest problem I have is that when she cuts me off, and when I confront her about it, she gets very defensive and says she had no intention of dismissing me or hurting me. I know that women communicate with each other differently than men do. She explained to me that interrupting each other is just what they do. That's a generalization, of course, but there is some truth to it. So, my homework is to either let it go (I mean, really let it go), or bring it up immediately in a way that is not conveyed as an angry response. Bottling it up is a recipe for disaster. Story of my life.
    So, we both got hardly any sleep that night and were zombies yesterday. So my Day 29 was not good. I haven't O'd in a couple of weeks, and the last few unsuccessful attempts at real sex have been the main reason. But doing it on my own didn't feel right. I started to last night, looking at her picture, but decided to stop. Then I made the choice to look at some non-nude pics of women, and that was anything but stimulating.
    So I haven't looked at porn, but I'm on very shaky ground right now. After some much needed sleep, I feel bad for taking a step back. And I know how easy it is to let the backsliding continue. My job today is to not let that happen.
     
  7. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I see the same thing when my wife is talking with her girl friends. When she interrupts me I just take a deep breath wait until she is finished and then say what I was going to say. Sometimes when I am annoyed at the interruption I will ask if she is finished once she stops talking then I will say what I was saying when I was interrupted (I do NOT recommend this approach :rolleyes:). You are doing great; this is not worth a relapse!
     
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  8. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    The other weekend my wife and I were at a friends house. I was talking about something and my wife kept interrupting and adding details of things I was about to say. At one point I had a brief flash of internal anger and wanted to say, "Am I telling the story or are you"? :mad: I didn't say anything and was able to "get over it" fairly quickly. I don't think she does this often but it did bother me briefly in this instance. No real point here other than to say I can understand how being cut off can be annoying.
     
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  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You have been dismissed in your life and that hurts. This is a common theme here, unfortunately. When we were young our voices were smothered and this smothering led to triggers being installed. People tend to interrupt others because they themselves are afraid of not being heard. Often both parties are guilty of not listening and just as often unaware that their behavior is anything other than appropriate. With our partners we are looking for someone who will reflect back the kind of nurturing that we think we need. Basically we are saying: I need you to behave in this way in order for me not to be triggered. This sets up irreconcilable differences. Our baggage meets their baggage and the collision leaves clothes lying everywhere. It's not easy, but you're just going to have to diffuse your own triggers. This means you will have to take responsibility for them. This is actually very good for us, because when we are responsible for ourselves, we hold onto our own power. The journey is not about your partner "getting you," but about our own self-actualization. It isn't OK that you were dismissed as a young lad and that that pattern continued into adulthood. You should've been supported and built-up as the amazing man that you are. This forum is literally, and figuratively, a virtual club of men who have had their voices and hearts squelched. The great news, the fabulous news, is that we don't have to buy into that mentality anymore. We are free to stride as we please, to have a relationship or not to have one. We are free to smile at the triggers and watch them fade away.

    In a heterosexual relationship the man must be the rock. The man must be the foundation upon which all emotions can be laid. Partners can shout into the wind, but it can't break us, nor the relationship, because the pilings underpinning it all go deep.
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2022
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  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Cali. You're right; this certainly isn't worth a relapse. Nothing is, really. We may be from Mars, and those damned Venutians may get under our skin on a regular basis, but they're also pretty cute, so we either learn how to coexist with them or we don't. As long as sucking it up and holding our tongue doesn't cause us to bottle up anger, then I suppose it's the right thing to do.
     
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    TrueSelf, it's that "getting over it" that is super hard. It's a learned response. I'm still learning...
     
  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks for this great post, Saville.
    My brother and I were talking the other day about our common frustrations with our mates, and he said he's been thinking about our Dad lately and how he was often in a grumpy mood. He wasn't sure what role my Mom played in that, but I know that she cut him off all the time. He was a silent man, so if he took more than a second to respond to a question someone asked of him, or was otherwise struggling for the right words, she would immediately fill what she perceived as a void. He responded differently depending on the conversation: He would either be visibly frustrated at her taking over, or he would appear to be relieved. In either case, he did not stand up for himself. At least in front of us kids. Maybe part of my baggage is not wanting to be squelched and passive, regardless of whether the GF is intentionally trying to hurt me or not. She contends that that is never the case, and I supposed I believe her. We had dinner last night, and talked about our latest run-in the other night. I conceded to her (again) that I need to stop taking things personally (one of The Four Agreements if you haven't read that book). But I also told her that just saying something like "I'm sorry if what I said upset you" wouldn't have been the end of the world, and would probably have been the end of the tensions. She vehemently defended her position that she shouldn't have to be sorry for what she did, when she did nothing wrong. And continually defended WHY she cut me off. And the tape kept looping around. To your point, Saville, this is one of the wounds she brings to our relationship. I don't want her to feel like she's losing part of herself by making that kind of gesture. I apologize to her all the time, and though I probably have more to apologize about, it's frustrating that the difference between "what I did was wrong" and "I didn't mean to hurt you" doesn't seem to be different to her at all.

    Everything you said in your post is spot on, and I especially like "We are free to smile at the triggers and watch them fade away." That's where I want to be.
     
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  13. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Great post, Saville.
    I believe that is one of my main roots for why I got addicted to this shit. The not beeing seen part goes deep, especially if it was by our parents during the first years while growing up. It is about time not to run from it any more. To all the guys here, all the best for your journeys this week.
     
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  14. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Moz, congrats on reaching 30 days despite all what was going on with your girlfriend. Well done!
     
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  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you Libertad. I wasn't a complete monk, but I didn't look at porn. I'm going to strive for more consistency this next 30. Things are up and down with the GF. Whether we make it or not, this habit is there and must be dealt with.
     
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's frustrating that we can't do anything about another's person perception. Of course, they can't do anything about ours. One thing I do know is that the addicted mind is not the mind to get us out of trouble. I had a serious addiction to sexting, as well as PMO. I say "had," but I still feel the desire every now and then to get online and cyber. It's not powerful, nor is it intoxicating, anymore, but when it was the decisions I made, the offences I took, were all with the addicted mind. That is why, over the short-haul, I decided not to engage with my wife when she was being difficult, or even a down right bitch.

    It is so difficult to sort through everyone's emotions and that's why I think it's best to just deal with our own stuff and let go of everyone else's. It's not burying our emotions down deep, it's finding a different outlet for them, one that clarifies itself as we heal.

    Your admission to the gf was the catalyst to get you back on track, but the days put in are all your own, my brother.
     
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  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    That's a fact. I think if she was reading this, she'd agree too. It does cut both ways. She wants to change my perception of her being dismissive, and I am working on that. I want to just be at a point where it doesn't bother me, because it's not worth the grief. She didn't mean to hurt me. End of story. Let it go.
    Another fact!
    Yes, I suppose in the short term, it does just make sense to let everything go for awhile as we heal. That's really hard, of course.
    They are indeed. I'm still struggling. I can't flush this progress down the drain. But I came very close to doing that last again night. Had strong urges all day, as my precarious position in my relationship is causing intense anxiety. My biggest trigger. She's trying to decide if she wants to go away with me next week for a vacation we planned a month ago. She doesn't want to be stuck far from home if we have another blowout. I don't blame her. I want to go, but now I'm leaning towards just telling her go without me. I don't want to guilt her into it.

    The P-subs have to go. They are part of the addiction; a strong part. I MO'd to the GF's picture, which went pretty quickly. I've wired to her to the point where I just have to think about being with her. Pretty normal, I guess. But the preceding viewing of some pictures that did nothing for me was utterly unnecessary. It reinforced again how much I just need to be done with ALL of it, not just the porn. It's so frustrating, because I already knew that, and told myself that, all the way up to allowing the "quick peek of non-porn". Right. Ugh.
     
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2022
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  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    How about go on the vacation and take a vacation from talking about your issues?
     
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  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a great plan! We had a good night last night, and we didn't talk about us at all. Hmm.
     
  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Back in monk mode, which feels so much better than that purgatory I was flirting with again. The one where the bargainer constantly strikes deals with me to allow things that I know won't do me any good.
    We're heading out for vacation tomorrow, assuming we make it through tonight unscathed :confused: That should be an easy notching of another P-free week.
     
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