Thank you, Luke. I really appreciate that. The gf is no doubt having doubts about jumping back into it with me, especially since she's been through this with two other guys in her past. I need to keep doing what I'm doing here; she will have to decide whether she wants to continue after what was a seismic shock to her.
Thank you Saville. I'm in a good place in my recovery, I guess, compared to where I used to be. But I've been here a long time. I told the gf "I'm almost there" the other day, and part of me believes that. But part of me is dubious about it. That terrible moment is seared into my psyche; it was only a few days ago. But I had a couple of those moments in my previous marriage as well, so this old dog didn't learn the new trick of getting off this stuff. But yes, I'm learning new skills. I learn something every time I come to this place.
Thanks CBB. I hope so too. One foot in front of the other. The two steps forward and one step back stuff got old a long time ago.
I totally relate, and I would never wish to be intimate with someone I do not feel safe with, or someone who does not feel safe me.
I obviously don't know anything about the other two guys. But maybe they were indifferent about their porn use. You are not. You are trying to work on yourself and have already made some progress. If you keep doing that - for yourself and not for her - maybe she will see that things are different with you.
I think one of her exes pulled himself out of it pretty well, and the other may not have. She knows I'm working on quitting, but finding out that I'm still working on if after 2+ years of not talking about it is where she has a big problem with me.
Hey Moz, not sure if you've considered this. The fact that you're the 3rd partner in a row that your gf/ex-gf has brought into her life that has porn addiction issues speaks rather loudly to the fact that she has some equally important recovery issues that she's not yet addressed. It takes 2 to dance, my friend
Hmm, she has things she's working on, and maybe the pain of being the significant other of sex/porn addicts is something she's still dealing with. She is now, anyway! Thanks NCBob.
Things are looking up. I went to her place for dinner last night, and we had a wonderful time. We know we have things to work out, but our love for each other is strong, and if we can make it through this, I think it will be even stronger. Staying clean. I'm starting in on work, and will take breaks when needed so the usual pattern is disrupted. I have to help myself so the habit doesn't creep (or barge) back in.
A quick post before heading off to work. I needed to sit here and work last night, which I did, but knowing it's by far the most vulnerable part of my day, I really struggled. Searched some "safe" subjects I knew might have some pictures of clothed women in them, and had to stop that for the obvious reason that my ritual almost always starts that way. Ugh! Eventually I'll get to the point where I can safely navigate the computer without fear of the tractor beam taking over, but I'm nowhere near there yet. Dodged a bullet, but it was avoidable. One thing I've noticed is that, after some time with no stimulation, just the tiniest hint at that dopamine rush makes a certain region in my brain react in a very unpleasant way. A kind of tension that resembles the onset of a headache. I've talked about this a few times in these 104 pages ( Yikes!) My body is still trying to tell me something.
Looks like I can start calling her my fiancée again. I'm lucky to have another opportunity to make this right. A couple more books were on my doorstep when I got home. I've stopped caring about ordering them online and giving up my "cover". There's no need to cover anything up anymore. Really never was. Now to keep going on this run and stop the lapses. Anything that is part of an active search for anything remotely related to dopamine is a lapse. I look forward to the day when I can be ready to go with her when the mood strikes. You know, normal, spontaneous sex. What a concept.
Thanks, NCBob. Clarity is indeed wonderful, but I need to use it wisely. I'm very clear that my impulsive nature has worked against me my whole life. Acting on impulse has kept me imprisoned in the porn penitentiary. Time to break free!
It's not that you need to use clarity wisely, Moz. It's that you need to chose wisely, when you have clarity
Sitting down to work. I've got 3 weeks behind me, and something I just read in one of my new books struck me: "Getting sober is easy. Staying sober is hard". This is true, of course. So today, as I soldier on, with some physical urges nagging at me, I will keep this in mind. The hard work is not over. It is just beginning. I had a dream last night where I saw a picture of a nude woman and kicked myself for seeing it and feeling guilty that I relapsed. What that tells me is that starving myself of the pictures is forcing them out in my dreams. So be it. I tried to have successful sex with the gf twice this week, and it didn't work either time. Even with the blue pill. And after 2+ weeks of no PMO. So it's probably anxiety associated with my recent relationship troubles, including having been found out, and wanting more than anything to perform. I need to take some of the pressure off myself and relax. We both want it.
Yup, you're in a heightened state of anxiety. Be gentle on yourself. Remember: you're doing this for you. Yes, you care about her, etc, that's a given. One thing to be wary of is the addiction to drama. You and your gf have had a few blow ups and it could be that she is one of these people who needs the dopamine rush of a relationship in turmoil. Just a thought, for what it's worth. Your pecker WILL come back, my friend. I've been where you are, it isn't pretty, but it isn't forever.
Yep, after another night of limp dick, she said that I should talk to someone about it. Once I find a therapist I can trust, I definitely will. This morning we talked about us, and how she isn't so much worried about my performance anxiety as much as the trust issue. She doesn't want porn in her life. I told her it won't be, and like you just said, that I'm doing this for myself, not her. And that I have been for a while. Not sure how comforting that was to her. I don't think that's her. We both relish a drama-free relationship. At least I do. Thanks, Saville. I know you're right, but this sucks. I'm feeling the need to MO, but that's definitely not where I need to go right now. I need to keep my hands off myself and heal.
I would suggest that you don't try having sex again for 10 -14 days. You have been devastated. It takes time for your mind and body to process all that's gone on. Intellectually you get it, but the body takes its own time.
I think that's a very good idea. I've been sleeping at her place most nights lately, which is a good thing. But last night I went over after dinner (she had dinner with a girlfriend), and on the way there I took some viagra, so we gave it another go, even though Saturday night it didn't work. It was still super pleasurable, and even though I got her going pretty well, and got really close to staying hard enough for penetration, still no go. She's perplexed. But until we discussed her frustration at this new trend, I was feeling really good. So I think I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet. Working from home today, and after the last couple of nights, I'm fighting the urge to relieve myself. Without pix. But I'll just let that urge pass. It won't help anything.
