Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo, ahh, Summer I would definitely missed that b/c I wasn't around. Well, Congratulations! For the engagement and having something of substance to drive your work to get off porn!

    At our age every single one of us has baggage we bring with us. The tough thing I find is that very early on in a dating dynamic (like first date sometimes) the women want to know the gist at least of your baggage. Did you cheat? Fail financially? Jail? Porn? Drugs? Boozer? .... I think just about all of those (and, no, I have not been in jail!) are easier to address than "porn". It is ugly!

    Here's to you never being asked but living everyday with the "not anymore" answer!

    Have a great week, Moz!
     
  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your nice, post, Rugger. I decided to reset, since I just kept escalating after my dalliances the other day. So rather than keep giving myself a pass, best to start fresh. I'm still stuck in the rut. Even though a lot of it has to do with stress at my job, I'm not fooling myself about how things will be different after I retire. Yes, if I'm with my woman all the time, the opportunities will be lessened, but until I crack this nut, that won't be the ticket out of this mess. It's only when I make a real commitment to getting off porn that it will happen. Part of me still doesn't want to lose it completely. And that is my baggage.

    I meet that moment of decision successfully much of the time. The challenge is to meet it successfully every time. Addicts must accept that fact and either say goodbye to the habit or keep nurturing it. So, one thing I really want to do is get to 30 again, just to prove to myself that I can at least do that. I think it will help. No proclamations, just stating that I am shooting for that again.
    Gotta dive into the workday now. Have a great week yourself!
     
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  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, I've reached page 100 in my journal, and here I am. Still. I've gotta get ready for work, but some posts I just read motivated me to do a quick check-in.
    One was related to the tenacity of this addiction, and how we need to stay accountable when the going gets rough. I haven't been doing that.
    The other post was related to ED drugs, which I have been on for almost 2 years now. Sure, they work, but at what cost? I don't like the side effects at all. And considering how hard I get when looking at pictures, the idea that I need them because of my age or my health is BS. I'll be 63 in a few weeks. My fiancee wants me to be around for a while. If I don't start living a healthier life, both mentally and physically, I won't be doing her (or me of course) any favors.
     
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  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    3 day weekend ahead. It will be lots of working at home. All the things I need to do to stay on track are there in my toolbox. They're just getting rusted from non-use :confused:
    Making it a clean day today.
     
  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I picked up my workbook on addiction after a few month break. My goal is to finish it by the end of this month. And in the meantime, there are some good exercises I went through last year that I'll be re-reading. Like journaling my thoughts on why I do this and why I need to stop, ways of reminding myself of these things daily, and removing as many opportunities for failing as I can.
     
    Saville likes this.
  6. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Hey Moz, you were on my mind as I was reading other journals and I enjoyed your contributions and care for others, including me, on this journey. I'm really excited for you to enjoy life with your fiance without PMO on your mind or in the background.
     
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  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you realness. I really appreciate that.
    I've had a rough time lately. My self esteem is pretty low right now, mainly because I feel out of control much of the time. My porn habit is the main reason for that, but being overwhelmed with work and trying to figure out how to clean up other facets of my life before getting married again are also fueling it.
     
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  8. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Now that I'm near the end of the addiction workbook I've been reading, they are summing things up pretty well. Here's a basic truth that certainly hit home: "Actions that often begin as common rites of passage for many boys become obsessions that men find difficult to put away. Then they blame themselves for not having the willpower to succeed in stopping their behaviors. They demean themselves for trying to quit without achieving success."
    This is not news for us. But the point of the book is to make us realize that we don't have to keep using our "drug" if we know it's not good for us.
    As I was putting gas in the car yesterday, someone in the car on the other side of the pump was obviously smoking pot, because the smell was intense. 40+ years ago that would have triggered me to light one up. But the smell actually disgusted me yesterday. Once I realized way back then that I didn't want to do it anymore it was very easy to quit. Yes, this addiction is clearly harder for me to give up. But how long do I want to feel like shit? Queppet said something in one of his videos that gave me hope: he said that once you really put this addiction behind you, porn will hold no sway over you anymore. You could look at an image and not be triggered at all. That's where I want to be.
     
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  9. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    I can confirm that.
    I am not sure if I put this addiction behind me and will never say never about PMO, because when it comes to PMO I don´t trust myself after countless failed attempts to quit it, but what you described I experienced a few days ago while watching a new movie and around half way in there was a scene of a couple getting intimate, I did not even get aroused and was almost disgusted that they would put this scene in an adventure movie which also kids will watch. I skipped forward to not even have to see it. And the strange thing is, it was like you described it. I was not even fighting an urge to watch it, I did not even want to watch it. Strange but true. I hope it stays that way because it makes the process so much easier to not to have to fight every day against PMO.
    Good luck with your endeavour.
     
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  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thank you Libertad. This really helped me this morning!
     
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  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    My fiancée and I had a rough night last night. In the almost 2-1/2 years since we've been together, there have been about a half dozen experiences where we considered throwing in the towel. Today she texted me that every single one of those experiences was a result of her doing something to make me unhappy, and that she doesn't try to. I suppose that's true, and I'm going to look for a counselor to talk about this (without her). I've been putting off seeing someone to talk about my habit as well, so I'll try to cover both. I have always been one to get bent about things that hurt me at the time, and then later after further reflection, I realize I blew things out of proportion and hurt my significant other in the process. This may have been the last straw for her. Either way, this behavior of mine has been a problem in all my relationships. One of my stated reasons here for not being in more relationships in my life is that I avoid them, and use P as my sexual outlet and to escape from reality and stay alone.

    I'm 63 now, so if I'm going to work on this, now's the time. I'm making some progress on the P front, but still haven't cracked the code for saying no consistently. There is a lot of good work being done by the fellas here, and I'm really inspired by them. Sundays have been tough for me, mainly because I work most of the day here at the computer. Today will be a clean day.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2022
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  12. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Good on you Moz. It's a major healthy move that you can do for YOURSELF. I treasure the time I had in counseling and am thinking about going back after 3 years now for more growth and a tune-up.
     
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  13. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo ... sounds like you are taking the plunge to figure more of this out .... maybe this is the move that stops the ground hog day nature of your fighting this addiction (i.e. the next day always seems to be same day same shit) ... I am proud of you ... I hope you work it out for you and for the two of you!

    And 63?! Really?! I didn't realize I was the youngster between us! Go get it figured out Old Man!

    You are brave for taking this on. Go get it.

    RD
     
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  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I appreciate the support, realness and Rugger. I've done the therapist gig before - 2 marriage counselors and a 1-on-1. Three very different people with different styles. I need to do whatever I can to find someone I feel comfortable with and who I trust. In the meantime, I decided to clear the decks again. Too much waffling and allowing P subs, even for a quick dopamine hit. Not OK.
     
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    My wife was always doing something that made me feel diminished, at least that's how I saw it. That gave me the rationale to cheat, to PMO, and to basically check out. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and sometimes we're both on the moon. I enjoy those lunar days and don't think much about the other ones where we aren't this amazing, intimate, couple. Oddly, this has brought us to closer together. It's part of the man's job, imo, to put up with their partner's inconsistencies, even when they seem unreasonable. If, on balance, you have a good thing going...don't blow it! :)

    You're making progress, Moz. You don't have to be perfect.
     
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  16. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    I think relationships are like all things in life, they go in cycles. There are times when being in a relationship really sucks and other times it is great, but that is how everything seems to be in life. If you really love a person you ride out the cycle bottoms knowing that good times are just around the corner. If we do not realize that everything in life ebbs and flows we will never be able to sustain a long term loving relationship.
     
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  17. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yes, Saville, on balance, it is a very good thing. I would be blowing it to give up and not try to make this work and to improve myself. She has her own problems of course, and I admire how she tackles them: she journals every day and prays every day (I'm strangely fine with having a religious mate, since I'm not, but it isn't a problem). She is also especially hard on herself when she thinks she's upset me. Which is why we're in a bad place again. These lapses really take a toll on her, mainly because she can't really see what it is that she's done to upset me, or minimizes it and says it isn't tangible enough for her to focus on improving. Alcohol is playing a role. Whenever we have too much, there's more of a possibility for bad things to happen. Last night we talked (again) about cutting back.[/QUOTE]
    My Achilles Heel is that any tiny lapse feels like a failure. Which it is, really, when my goal is to just stop. Other guys have done it. You've done it. I often wonder what the difference is between us (guys that make it vs. guys that don't). But I am who I am and have to figure this out based on that.
    Thanks for checking in, Saville. As I recall, you're as old as I am. And we've both spent a decent chunk of our lives here. Glad you're still around.
     
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  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Absolutely. After writing above that perfectionism is a fault of mine, feeling like a failure for finding myself in another bad spot in my relationship is not going to help. But I do need to try to find a better way of dealing with the issues she and I have. She's going to say things that piss me off. And I won't always deal with that in a good way. But consistently being aware of it when it happens takes work. So that's one of the things I'm going to work on.
    Thanks, Cali. I wish you the best in your relationship as well.
     
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    There's no difference, except you're better looking and weren't obese. I've taken care of my weight, but I'm stuck with my looks. lol If I ever win powerball I'll get hair transplants, veneers, a neck lift and a nose job. :D
     
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  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well, winning the lottery wouldn't give me the ability to be taller, so we're stuck with what we've got. I've thought about hair transplants too, but I've resolved myself to embracing my inner cue ball :D Though I haven't mustered the courage to shave it all off.
     
    Saville likes this.

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