Moz journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Mozenjo, May 22, 2014.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I'm a 55 year old who has never posted anything of any kind online, so this is a bit of a leap for me, but I've been catching many of your stories on this great site, and as a fellow addict, this does feel like the right thing to do. Just finished the audiobook version of "The Will Power Instinct", which I highly recommend, and one of the tenets in the book is that you can rarely go it alone and succeed. A tried and true method of helping your cause is to "go public", whether it be with family, friends, or whomever will listen to and support you. I've shared with one family member (my brother) and a few close friends, and none of that was easy, as they have all experienced porn but don't exactly know what I'm going through - they're not as deep into this as I am. But by listening to me, I do believe they all realize how vulnerable they are to this scourge, and I sure hope they at least curb their usage if not totally give it up. I'll gladly be the guinea pig and share with them what has worked for me and what hasn't.

    My tipping point was ED. Few things in my life have been as devastating as experiencing the embarrassment, disappointment and shame of not being able to perform in bed with a woman. My ex-wife caught me jerking once, and that was a pretty close second. It also started a distrust that never really disappeared, though our marriage lasted for many years after that- but I might as well have had an affair. Since my divorce 5 years ago I've been intimate with 4 women, and every time I could not produce (or at least maintain) wood if my life depended on it. Ouch.

    Until the fourth one, I explained them all away: first one was performance anxiety (don't think so), second one too much alcohol (maybe), third one wasn't that turned on by her...etc. My excuses ran out after the fourth one - I knew it was time to either see a shrink or somehow figure this mystery out on my own. But I did suspect that porn and MO had some part in it.

    So I was surfing Amazon for a self-help book on shaking the addiction, and read a comment by someone who said don't buy the book, log onto YBOP instead. That was 9 months ago. Totally opened my eyes. Everything made sense, the mystery of my ED was solved, and that should have been enough for me to quit cold turkey. But of course I didn't.

    I'm on my longest stretch now (14 whole days without P, M or O), which feels good. Really good. Keep up the good fight. You have everything to gain.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  2. midge

    midge Guest

    Re: A new path

    Welcome, Mozenjo. Yes, YBOP was an eye-opener. I'm not much for online posting either, but getting it all out on the table here in this forum made all the difference for me, and I believe it can for you, too. My standard advice is to read and post often, and encourage others. Simply staying in the conversation can be tremendously helpful.

    Two weeks of no PMO is a great start. Carry on!
     
  3. Sidd

    Sidd Guest

    Re: A new path

    Welcome Mozenjo,
    You have made a good and wise choice. Midge's advice about posting often and helping others is good. I stumbled upon YBOP and came here and with all the ups and downs I am very glad that I did. The thought of being in that hole that I was in before fills me with horror. Connecting with others even anon on lline is important as a big part of our collective problem is the secrecy that surrounds our addiction. When someone, even a stranger, reaches out with love and advice it helps a lot. Keep going and remember that PMO never helps any problem that you might be facing. It is a false friend that offers comfort but in truth only ever hurts us. Be kind to yourself.
     
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Re: A new path

    Thanks Midge and Sidd for your quick replies and words of support.
    I harbor no illusions that this will be easy, but I'm more hopeful now than ever.
    The "required reading" from Underdog that we newbies are asked to read after signing up is really great!
    I think he nailed it with the central message that the best way to kick the habit is to pursue your dreams NOW. Work on your life plan and P will just wither away as an option. Of course it never really was an option anyway.
    I ordered The Slight Edge and look forward to reading it.
    Cheers!
     
  5. midge

    midge Guest

    Re: A new path

    That's absolutely right, Mozenjo. Giving more attention and energy to positive life changes has the dual effect of making the appeal of porn fade AND increasing your self-confidence, which really helps in this journey. Best to you, bud. By the way, I'm the same age you are--it's never too late to get this thing turned around. :)
     
  6. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Re: A new path

    Welcome Mozenjo, this is a great place to help beat this addiction. I tried so many times by myself and I am not comfortable talking about this with friends and family. I've been thinking a lot about telling my wife and our adult son.

    For me, the first two weeks were always the toughest. That said, I relapsed many times thinking after a few weeks I could peak or have a quick M and it would be ok.

    The Willpower Instinct is an awesome book and helps with this journey. Read/post often and chase your dreams.

    Best of luck.
     
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Re: A new path

    Finally broke through the two week barrier that I had such trouble with (couldn't get past 11 days, now on 17), and though the cravings are manageable so far, I'm dealing with the physical urges that have also tended to bring me back into the abyss. You know, the "wow, could sure use the release, just a quickie" syndrome. After a million of those experiences that ALWAYS led me back to P, I'm inspired by you marathon men who have gone way beyond where I am now. So it's comforting to know that I won't spontaneously combust if I just push past the physical part of this and carry on. I'm thinking exercise will help.
     
  8. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Re: A new path

    Mozenjo

    We all need release every now and then. What is interesting is that we have focussed on orgasm as the release we need. But there are so many other ways, physical activity or sports being one of them. We have to open our minds to the plain fact that using porn, masturbation, and orgasm to deal with life is not what sex was intended for.
     
  9. Climber

    Climber Member

    Re: A new path

    Hey, if we spontaneiously combust, at leat that will be different than what we've been doing, and considerably more interesting ; )
     
  10. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Re: A new path

    It would be seriously much more interesting! I think men have been sold a false story where we are lead to believe that if we don't blow our nuts frequently we will go nuts.
     
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Re: A new path

    Couple things I've learned since yesterday's post:
    1) Cravings and physical urges pass. You just have to let them pass. Caoimhin's right, you won't go nuts. When they hit, get up and move around. Exercise! And stay away from your computer as much as possible.
    2) Don't assume you've found all the tools you need. There is plenty of good stuff out there on how to win this war. The collective wisdom in the posts on this site is great!
    I was doing some Spring cleaning yesterday, and tried to decide what to do with a book on sex addiction I got 5 years ago. After shredding the bright red paperback cover (!) I flipped through the pages again and realized there's some really good stuff in there, and that I shouldn't have set it aside and buried it in a box in my closet. Who knows, I might have turned things around if I actually read it back then. Jeez. Better late than never.

    It took me a very long time to start writing my thoughts down, and then another very long time to try this site out. If you haven't started writing, even if you keep it private, just start! Here's a pearl of wisdom from the book I rediscovered: "Don't use the fear of being found out as an excuse. Reading this book (or whatever you're reading on this problem) without writing things down is like watching a movie without sound. You might understand what's happening in the film, and you may even be able to understand some of the words sometimes, but you'll never get the bang out of it that you could have had."
     
  12. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    Re: A new path

    Do it! I can't even begin to tell you how beneficial I have found writing in my journal. I feel a bit cheeky sometimes because I probably do it mostly for me although I know other guys read it. And I read other journals too. But the way my brain works, writing out my thoughts helps me to formulate new ideas and opinions. It brings stuff out that I otherwise would not have thought of. Kind of like reading too. I have been reading more (and I think as this brain fog clears, I am enjoying reading more too!) But, before, I felt very alone in my head, not understanding why I was so miserable and basically trying to go it alone (with whatever pain reduction device I could find). Writing and reading about this has certainly broken the strangle-hold that porn, masturbation, and alcohol had on my life. May they never come back.
     
  13. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Re: A new path

    Indeed, Caoimhin. I'm on my third day here, and writing every day has been a godsend. My journal up to a few days ago amounted to maybe one entry per month on average. Better than nothing, and I felt encouraged when reading it, but there was a whole lotta PMO in between. The despair that comes from so much relapsing that it's not even relapsing anymore - just back to the drudgery and misery of continuous "using"- is a place I don't want to visit ever again. It's that stranglehold you talk about that we all need to free ourselves from. Anyway, yes, writing makes you think of other things and you can write those down too. How many times have you thought of something profound and you swear you'll remember it and write it down, and then a minute later you're on to the next thing and it's gone.

    I will always remember something a gal (who had a husband struggling with alcoholism) told me. In essence she said that his addiction had driven them apart and that she needed to find someone who was free of ANY addiction. I squirmed when I heard her say that, because I knew I had a lot of work to do if I ever wanted to have another chance with someone like her (yes, she was hot). And I totally understood her sentiment. We know what addiction is - of course it's a relationship killer. How could it not be? I know there are plenty of you guys who are in relationships right now. I will tell you that my divorce had a lot to do with this problem. No matter how understanding your woman may be, and no matter how much she may tell you otherwise, she WILL feel betrayed whenever you log on and even PEEK at P. Don't criticize her for that. She's normal - just deal with it - by getting off this shit.

    Here's the thing -even if there were no women left in the world, and porn was all there was, it would still ruin us. Just as shooting heroin would if it was the only way to get high.
    Peace.
     
  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Re: A new path

    A quick entry, then back to my moonlight job, which unfortunately chains me to this computer. The same one I've used to stray from my work and waste ridiculous amounts of time. But that's in the past now. Posting is very therapeutic, and has gotten me to Day 21. Time to start the counter, I guess. I wanted to have some early success so I could feel confident that I wouldn't be starting from zero every few days like it was for SO long. I feel like I may have gotten a bit carried away in my last post, and that's the interesting thing I'm learning about an online journal; you do have to consider carefully what you say, which you don't have to worry about in a private journal. It's a good problem to have. There is something very comforting in knowing that your own issues are not so unusual after all; that in fact they're very common and that you can share your common experience with others.
    OK, a little work, then computer OFF and to bed.
     
  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Re: A new path

    Started the counter. Mixed feelings about that, but considering the last few days have been a real test, I feel good that I haven't even peeked. Mainly because I know what happens when I peek. Images still lingering in my memory, but they will fade with time. So the counter is my reward to myself I guess, and will hopefully keep me on this track. The women at work are looking really good lately, which I obviously see as a good sign. Not that I wasn't attracted to some of them already, but this abstinence is having the natural and desirable effect of ramping up my interest in real women. Imagine that! Maybe my cranial wires are already starting to head back to their rightful places :D
     
  16. midge

    midge Guest

    Re: A new path

    You're motoring right along, Mozenjo. Great attitude and great progress. Have a strong weekend.
     
  17. Syd

    Syd New Member

    Re: A new path

    Great stuff, Mo. I'm married, and definitely experiencing the same effect. (Thank goodness!) Have a great weekend and keep up the good work.
     
  18. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Re: A new path

    Thanks guys. Heading for 30 and not stopping there. The momentum definitely helps get through the tougher moments. It's mind against body and mind against lizard brain, and boy, is my frontal cortex exhausted!
    Enjoy your weekend. I have my sons this weekend, which should help with my focus.
    Onward!
     
  19. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    The New Automatic

    Changed my subject line to reflect my motto of the day. I was at work surfing an app my son showed me where I can change my phone's wallpaper, and in the "People" section of the images to choose from, guess what the first hundred or so were? Mainly young women. Not risqué stuff for the most part, but enough to make me realize that I was in serious danger of being sucked into the vortex again. So I stopped, forgave myself for this tame "peeking" session, and renewed my resolve. I'm not about to go back now. For the most part, it has gotten easier as I go, but today proved to me that my "new automatic" has to be to turn away, engage in any of the million or so activities that will actually enrich my life, and not dive into the cesspool again. Auto pilot can be our worst enemy. The "what the hell" syndrome sometimes wasn't even that conscious, it was just raw force of habit. Like brushing my teeth. After 27 days, not acting on the habit has already paid huge dividends. Confidence in my ability to control myself is right there at the top. Really grateful to have found this site.
     
  20. midge

    midge Guest

    Re: A new path

    Fantastic. That tipping point when the new, intentional habit becomes preferable to the old, unthinking one--terrific, and very motivational. Go, Mozenjo!
     

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