Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by chrism, Mar 1, 2019.
Stay the course @chrism ! It will be worth it.
I had a bit of a relapse yesterday on YouTube and wish.com.
I am going to block myself from being able to access these on my phone.
needs to be done because I don’t really need to have access to these on my phone. They just waste my time and end up being my main reason I can’t get further in my clean streaks.
gonna start to be more tough on what I am adding to my block lists. Once I get a couple of months clean then I will see about having YouTube on my phone again.
So I blocked YouTube on my phone but have you tube on my work pc. I just relapsed.
working from home really makes this difficult. I do prefer to be in the office.
feeling quite low today. My gf has been off work the last two weeks with stress and anxiety and I haven’t told her I’ve relapsed the last couple weeks because I didn’t want to put more stuff on her while she’s having a hard time.
maybe I should tell her... I dunno, just don’t want to make her worse, but maybe she’s sensing I’m down anyway any wondering why...
On the bring side my relapse was sparked by a house music DJ set, so really not very suggestive content. I am taking this as a positive because it’s shown I’m healing a bit if that is now what I have relapsed to rather than whole day hardcore binge sessions edging for hours. This time it was over in less than a minute.
I know that any form of relapse is related to pixels on a screen or even P related fantasy, but for me there are levels and I know that long binge sessions edging for multiple hours is what seems to cause me the most damage so just trying to take it step by step.
I do really want to get clean and not have these relapsed at all. Hopefully tomorrow I will stay completely clean.
I totally relate to you on this one, trying to rely on willpower alone to stay away from suggestive sites is really tough. Honestly blocking them entirely for a while is good for breaking the habit of using them for too long and finding stuff that you don't want to. I literally got rid of all internet access on my phone for a while and heavily restriced my computer internet access. Recently i've been using accountability software that allows a few trusted people to see my browsing history, and I find this to be really helpful. It means I don't have to lock myself away from sites I want to use, but I still stay on the straight and narrow because they'll know if I go looking for dodgy stuff. Maybe something like this would work for you?
As always stay positive man, you've got this. If you managed to stop a relapse from turning into a binge then that's a small victory all of its own.
thanks for your comment. What is the accountability software? That sounds like it would be helpful for me.
There are a few different ones out there which you might want to have a look at, but the one I use is covenant eyes. It is a paid service ($15.99/month) but it acts as a blocking software, and sends your 'allies' reports of your internet activity (along with blurred screenshots) on a daily or weekly basis. It scans these screenshots for anything resembling porn, so it'll flag anything that looks suspicious up to them.
You could set your GF up as your admin, which would let her control your blocklist and allow her to keep an eye on what you're doing. I expect this would be a pretty big deterrent from relapsing, it definitely is for me .
Thanks for the feedback.
I will have to check it out!
On day three now, it’s morning, I’m working from home.
yesterday seemed ok, but did MO and mostly related to memories, but if I’m honest there was some PF in there too.
It’s progress, didn’t use anything that was on a screen so that’s good.
feeling ok today, just see if I can go the whole day without MO... fingers crossed
Sounds very solid. Can I just add: don't only keep your fingers crossed, make a plan for what you're going to do if or when the urge hits. I've never been big on cold showers but maybe that works for you. Or a plan to do some good reading on overcoming addiction when that urge hits. Or to reach out on the forum or in-person to someone you trust. Whatever works for you, have a plan in place.
On day four now, not sure if I’m gonna keep counting days but I’m feeling proud that I have now not PMOd for this long as I’m the recent past since probably November last year it’s been a bit of a bad period.
yesterday I was working from home and mostly doing research to try and find a new material for a project. It involved lost of sending out emails to see if I could get more information. Mostly it was fine, but there were two cases where I must have been feeling over sensitive due to being this early in a clean streak and ended up complaining about the service/rude responses I was getting back.
the whole day after I complained I was just second guessing myself about complaining.
this morning I just checked my emails and one of them has come back and apologised about it, so that makes me feel a bit better.
Mira not nice second guessing yourself. I find that I do it a lot. I also tend to find myself being a little paranoid, like I smell something bad when I’m in a public place and then constantly keep thinking it me. It’s probably not because I am pretty regimented my my person hygiene. Or I’ll make a comment to someone and then for the rest of the day just be worried about if I said it slightly wrong.
It gets worse when I get a clean streak started. I go back and obsess over things that happened on my past. There is no way for me to change anything. Just seem to always go back to these embarrassing points in my life where I have made mistakes and can’t get them out of my head.
I think this is one of the main things that stops me from getting a good streak going, because when I use P it blocks all this out and I don’t have to think about these things.
I need to learn to live with the discomfort.
@Swimming in Circles
I have been using covenant eyes for the last two and a half weeks and have been clean the whole time.
I’m starting to feel a bit better in general and I think this is the most clean I have been in years.
thanks very much for the recommendation!
Very happy to hear that! Keep it up bro we're all rooting for you
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