Moving towards a more desirable future

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by chrism, Mar 1, 2019.

  1. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    So I blocked YouTube on my phone but have you tube on my work pc. I just relapsed.

    working from home really makes this difficult. I do prefer to be in the office.

    feeling quite low today. My gf has been off work the last two weeks with stress and anxiety and I haven’t told her I’ve relapsed the last couple weeks because I didn’t want to put more stuff on her while she’s having a hard time.

    maybe I should tell her... I dunno, just don’t want to make her worse, but maybe she’s sensing I’m down anyway any wondering why...

    On the bring side my relapse was sparked by a house music DJ set, so really not very suggestive content. I am taking this as a positive because it’s shown I’m healing a bit if that is now what I have relapsed to rather than whole day hardcore binge sessions edging for hours. This time it was over in less than a minute.

    I know that any form of relapse is related to pixels on a screen or even P related fantasy, but for me there are levels and I know that long binge sessions edging for multiple hours is what seems to cause me the most damage so just trying to take it step by step.

    I do really want to get clean and not have these relapsed at all. Hopefully tomorrow I will stay completely clean.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  2. Swimming in Circles

    Swimming in Circles New Member

    Hi Chrism.

    I totally relate to you on this one, trying to rely on willpower alone to stay away from suggestive sites is really tough. Honestly blocking them entirely for a while is good for breaking the habit of using them for too long and finding stuff that you don't want to. I literally got rid of all internet access on my phone for a while and heavily restriced my computer internet access. Recently i've been using accountability software that allows a few trusted people to see my browsing history, and I find this to be really helpful. It means I don't have to lock myself away from sites I want to use, but I still stay on the straight and narrow because they'll know if I go looking for dodgy stuff. Maybe something like this would work for you?

    As always stay positive man, you've got this. If you managed to stop a relapse from turning into a binge then that's a small victory all of its own.
    Rudolf Geyse and chrism like this.
  3. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.


    thanks for your comment. What is the accountability software? That sounds like it would be helpful for me.
  4. Swimming in Circles

    Swimming in Circles New Member

    There are a few different ones out there which you might want to have a look at, but the one I use is covenant eyes. It is a paid service ($15.99/month) but it acts as a blocking software, and sends your 'allies' reports of your internet activity (along with blurred screenshots) on a daily or weekly basis. It scans these screenshots for anything resembling porn, so it'll flag anything that looks suspicious up to them.

    You could set your GF up as your admin, which would let her control your blocklist and allow her to keep an eye on what you're doing. I expect this would be a pretty big deterrent from relapsing, it definitely is for me :D.
  5. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Thanks for the feedback.

    I will have to check it out!
  6. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day three now, it’s morning, I’m working from home.

    yesterday seemed ok, but did MO and mostly related to memories, but if I’m honest there was some PF in there too.

    It’s progress, didn’t use anything that was on a screen so that’s good.

    feeling ok today, just see if I can go the whole day without MO... fingers crossed
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Sounds very solid. Can I just add: don't only keep your fingers crossed, make a plan for what you're going to do if or when the urge hits. I've never been big on cold showers but maybe that works for you. Or a plan to do some good reading on overcoming addiction when that urge hits. Or to reach out on the forum or in-person to someone you trust. Whatever works for you, have a plan in place.
    chrism and Swimming in Circles like this.
  8. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    On day four now, not sure if I’m gonna keep counting days but I’m feeling proud that I have now not PMOd for this long as I’m the recent past since probably November last year it’s been a bit of a bad period.

    yesterday I was working from home and mostly doing research to try and find a new material for a project. It involved lost of sending out emails to see if I could get more information. Mostly it was fine, but there were two cases where I must have been feeling over sensitive due to being this early in a clean streak and ended up complaining about the service/rude responses I was getting back.

    the whole day after I complained I was just second guessing myself about complaining.

    this morning I just checked my emails and one of them has come back and apologised about it, so that makes me feel a bit better.

    Mira not nice second guessing yourself. I find that I do it a lot. I also tend to find myself being a little paranoid, like I smell something bad when I’m in a public place and then constantly keep thinking it me. It’s probably not because I am pretty regimented my my person hygiene. Or I’ll make a comment to someone and then for the rest of the day just be worried about if I said it slightly wrong.

    It gets worse when I get a clean streak started. I go back and obsess over things that happened on my past. There is no way for me to change anything. Just seem to always go back to these embarrassing points in my life where I have made mistakes and can’t get them out of my head.

    I think this is one of the main things that stops me from getting a good streak going, because when I use P it blocks all this out and I don’t have to think about these things.

    I need to learn to live with the discomfort.
  9. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    @Swimming in Circles
    I have been using covenant eyes for the last two and a half weeks and have been clean the whole time.

    I’m starting to feel a bit better in general and I think this is the most clean I have been in years.

    thanks very much for the recommendation!
  10. Swimming in Circles

    Swimming in Circles New Member

    Very happy to hear that! Keep it up bro we're all rooting for you
  11. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Today is 4 weeks of no relapses.

    This weekend I had to do some graphic design for a fitness product. Which meant doing research into other fitness products and websites and finding images of people working out or with good bodies.

    this meant there was a lot of triggers. At one point I did find myself almost relapsing, but managed to stop myself within about a minute and carried on with the design work.

    having covenant eyes installed has been a massive help with getting to this point. That in combination with the freedom app both work together great at stopping me from being able to access content when I would have previously had a lapse in will power and just relapsed.

    it can be frustrating at times when I can’t do stuff online that would have been simple before. But it’s better for me to have these blockers in place to help me move forwards.

    I have been so much more productive at work and at home this last month.

    fingers crossed this keeps continuing for the foreseeable future!
    NewStart19 and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    chrism likes this.
  13. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    One day past four weeks and feeling very low.

    I have been quite up and down in the last couple weeks but thought I was starting to level out a bit towards the end of last week. Today I just a very down day.

    I find that the longer I stay clean the more my thoughts come into my head about things from my past which just make we feel depressed.

    there are just things that porn use suppresses and now I’ve been 4 weeks clean it’s like my brain is saying now you need to start reliving all the bad things that have happened.

    I don’t see myself even being able to relapse in my current situation with having freedom and covenant eye installed on my phone, with apple screen time and restrictions set up as well and having freedom and covenant eye on my pc with Microsoft family setup and no admin rights on my PC.

    the only way I could relapse is with my smart tv but I’ve been making a conscious effort to make sure my gf takes the tv remote with her whenever I am in the lounge on my own.

    I don’t think I want to relapse, but I do not enjoy this feeling. I just feel like a bit of a looser at the moment.
    Rudolf Geyse and NewStart19 like this.
  14. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Thanks for your message.

    yes I have been telling my gf about my negative thoughts but it’s difficult to talk about some things.

    I have been getting more into my hobbies which is great and does give a sense of achievement.

    thanks for the words of support about me feeling like a looser. It’s nice to hear that other people don’t think that about me.
    NewStart19 and -Luke- like this.
  15. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    I just had a relapse.

    I have been clean for 5 weeks.

    No PMO and then today I am working from home on my own and I had access to the smart tv.

    I went through the thought process of; the tv remote is here, no leave it, but it’s here, just leave it, I’m just going to check if it’s there, just check nothing else, got it, don’t use it, just a quick look, then relapse occurred (three times now).

    feel stupid for doing this because I knew my gf was out today and I though about asking her to take the remote. Just forgot to ask her before she left. Next time I’ll make sure to ask her when I first think it.

    hopefully I haven’t lost too much progress although I know this is going to be difficult again and I’m going to feel like shit for a few weeks.
    -Luke- likes this.
  16. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Well, sometimes you can still get something positive even from a relapse. If you're thinking of giving your girlfriend the remote in the future, maybe this was the trigger. Maybe it would be a good idea if your friend always had the remote in her purse (or wherever).

    Anyway, one relapse in 5 weeks isn't that bad, as long as you go on with your life without a binge. And you definitely seem to have the self-control.
  17. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Thanks very much for your comment.

    yes I had actually already bought a lockable metal box (normally used to keep documents safe apparently) she has the key for that and it has all the controllers and remote in normally. I guess because I had done 5 weeks clean we both just got out of the habit of locking the remotes in there.

    it is a very good reminder that I still need to be mindful of these things.
  18. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    So yesterday wasn’t great. I relapsed throughout the day maybe 7 times, I’m not sure really it all just sort of blurred together.

    today I asked my gf to lock the remote in the metal box I bought for this purpose and that has helped - no relapse today yet.

    iv been productive at work and I am had done house work as well.

    I feel as though I have not thrown away 5 weeks of being clean. This is lucky because yesterday I was very worried about that.

    I have just under an hour till my gf gets back from work and I am using this time to model up some stuff in Blender.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  19. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    It’s been about a month since my last relapse.

    I’m doing well in general but every now and again I find myself scrolling or searching for things and almost starting to M to these things.

    so far this last month I have not relapsed but I have had cravings fairly regularly.

    the things that have helped stop me relapsing are; convenient eyes and freedom blockers (among others), having a lock box with internet related items locked away until I am with my gf. Being at work in the office more instead of working from home.

    while I still don’t feel great, I have been able to concentrate on things more recently. I have been more interested in learning things and have almost completed blender gurus donut tutorial. Been meaning to do that for years.

    so there is some progress but a long way to go.
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2021
  20. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Been having pretty severe cravings the last few days, flashbacks popping into my head fantasy and thoughts of previous real life memories.

    today I got home and started exercising, then went to do yoga and just found myself going through the app looking at the women and Ming.

    I stopped myself before I relapsed luckily.

    I remember this happened to me before when I had a long streak. Not sure how I stopped myself before.

    I take this as a good sign and this type of thing is now turning me on we’re as before this would not have been explicit enough and would have needed more.

    glad that I stopped. Just moved to another room sat down on a chair and just told myself in my head I need to calm down and just thought about calming down for a while and what other things in my life it would like to achieve.

    think I’m ok now.

    stupid addict brain turning my yoga activity into a potential relapse.
    Shady likes this.

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