Moving towards a more desirable future

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by chrism, Mar 1, 2019.

  1. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    My last relapse was on the 19th of September.

    I am now 4 weeks clean.

    the first week was bad, then the next two weeks were good, this last week has been pretty hard.

    I have been getting some major cravings. I feel down and moody and have no libido.

    yesterday morning I heard something on the radio that really spiked my cravings. Managed to avoid the urge to search for it yesterday.

    pretty sure that I am having some pretty server withdrawals at the moment as I can feel my brain trying to justify peeking at P but I know this will just lead to a relapse.

    been having some crazy vivid dreams the last couple of weeks too and the subject matter has not been helping either.

    mum staying away from my computer which is helping a lot.
    NewStart19 likes this.
  2. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    So it’s been about 2 month since I was last on here and I have been relapsing pretty much constantly.

    I have just been on a constant loop and binging and peeking and edging and just can’t seem to stop.

    it’s the worst I have been in a while.

    I realised that I had come here on a while yesterday so I think it’s about time I get back to it and try to get back on a good clean streak.

    2 months ago I managed to get a month clean. I want to be clean because it makes me a better person.

    I feel like I have just lost control recently. When Iv been drunk I have been a bit of an idiot and just sort of embarrassed myself a bit and I think that all comes from my lack of dedication to staying clean and away from porn.

    even as I type this now I am feeling tempted to go look at porn.

    I think I need to delete the account I have on P hub. I’m going to do that now.
  3. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    2 days clean, been ill the last couple days with a bit of flu but feeling a lot better today and being away from P makes me feel better.

    think maybe the cravings are starting to come but I am gonna try stay around people and that should help.
  4. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    I am a week clean now.

    got some cravings coming on but came here instead of relapsing.

    I think my mood is dropping a bit so I need to be careful that I don’t loose sight of what I am trying to do. It’s so easy to just go an relapse and loose all the progress of the past week.
    nuclpow likes this.
  5. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Had a bit of a slip on Friday and Saturday but since Friday last week those are my only relapses.

    starting to feel a little better now.
    -Luke- likes this.
  6. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    What happened when you were drunk? If you're comfortable talking about it that is.

    Dedication is all important in this battle. I understand how frustrating it can be when we engage in behaviour that hurts us and seems to go against our moral code. If you're struggling for motivation, try writing out a short list (maybe 4 items) of the huge benefits of staying away from porn. The benefits of quitting need to have a higher profile in your automatic thinking than the pull of the fake benefits of acting out (there aren't many benefits of being hooked on pornhub). Write out a list on paper or on your phone and reinforce through hourly reminders what the benefits of quitting porn are. This exercise was something my therapist told me about and I found it a good way of building momentum in the early days of recovery.
  7. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    It’s been a while since I was last on here.

    Iv been doing ok in life, but been doing terribly with staying away from porn.

    Iv decided to install more blockers and given my gf admin rights on all my internet devices.

    working from home has made this more difficult as there is more time in the day where I am on my own.

    I have asked my gf to take any devices with her to work, tv remote (smart tv has web browser) Xbox controllers, iPad, iPod touch, pc has screen time block on it so I can’t use it during the the day as does my iPhone.

    Over the last week or so (while having these extra measures in place I have been doing better. Withdrawal is pretty bad and think it made me feel sick a few days last week. I am finding it very difficult to concentrate at work, but I’m in the office today so just gonna sit at my desk in my pretty much empty office and try my best to just focus as much as I can.

    Iv been trying to quite porn for 6 or 7 years now and I still can’t believe how difficult it is to get away from!
    -Luke- and nuclpow like this.
  8. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    I've been addicted for 19 or 23 years and I got over 300 days clean from PMO recently, although I'm still working on sexual fantasies and MO. I read your post and you have a lot of devices. (I have several computers and I put my hosts file block list on all of them.) Maybe you feel surrounded by porn in your home because of all your devices in there.

    Maybe joining a social club, or volunteering, or exercise program will get you out of the house and make you think of porn less. Just a suggestion, an idea. I've found I have to be creative to quit porn.
    chrism likes this.
  9. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    If I make it through today I will be a week clean.

    things are going well with regards to relapses.

    I gave my gf full control over everything internet based. I have limited the time I can be on my PC. I have stopped myself from being able to uninstall my blocker app (and all other apps).

    I feel bad that I have to go to these extremes but hopefully it won’t be forever.

    I have actively chosen to go into the office every day this week which definitely makes things a lot easier.

    I have had relapse and porn dreams this week, but not as bad as I’ve had in the past.
    nuclpow, NewStart19 and Pete McVries like this.
  10. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Firstly, thanks To everyone for the likes.

    the strategy is going well with some small blips.

    I have managed to go from peeking and edging pretty much everyday, to now only having had two instances in the last 10 days where I did peek but managed to stop myself.
    NewStart19 and Pete McVries like this.
  11. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    It’s been a while since I’ve been on here.

    I’ve done well but in the last month I have slipped a fair bit.

    daily relapses, peeking all the way through the day... my blocker on my phone has stopped working and this is what has increased the relapses recently.

    just coming back here to try and improve my habits again.
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2021
    nuclpow and NewStart19 like this.
  12. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Relapsed 3 times already today.

    I need to delete Twitter and Reddit accounts. I will do that now.
    nuclpow likes this.
  13. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Well I actually ended up relapsing about 6 or 7 times that day, was loosing count by the end of it tbh.

    I have now got my girlfriend to add restrictions to my phone and have added the sites I relapsed on to the always block list.

    I managed to stay clean yesterday. As a result I was feeling super happy and finding life enjoyable.

    today I feel the cravings a little more, but trying to just do exercises when the cravings hit.

    of I feel a craving I do some push-ups, or knee ups or dynamic planks. I’m not counting reps, just doing them till I feel ok again.

    working from home really doesn’t help me when trying to quite P but now I’ve got those sites blocked this will help a lot.
  14. Swimming in Circles

    Swimming in Circles New Member

    Hey man, sorry to hear that you relapsed. You just gotta learn what you can from it, dust yourself down, and keep on going. No need to dwell on it.
    It's great that you've got your girlfriend involved in your recovery process, I'm still trying to work up the courage to tell mine about it. Sharing the problem definitely gives it less power over you. Try giving your girlfriend/friends/family a call when you're craving, works for me. Exercise is great as well.

    And I agree man, Covid has definitely made this whole thing harder :( I had to block some of the sites/services I talk to my friends on because P is on them, so i'm feeling a bit isolated atm. It's good to remind ourselves that we aren't alone in this.

    Keep trucking along bro, we've all got this.
  15. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man, thanks for your comment.

    yeah one of the best things I did was to tell me GF about it. She knew something was wrong and think she was happy that I was honest and she had a reason for why I had been down sometimes.

    yeah trying to just look forward at the moment.
  16. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Found myself peeking yesterday and luckily my blocker kicked in and blocked all my internet access for an hour and a half so managed to be productive and wired up a switch into my soldering fans to make it easier to turn them on and off.

    feeling quite drained today. Working from home and trying to stop myself from just staring at the screen and actually do something.

    after doing exercises yesterday and the day before whenever I had a craving has warn me out a bit and now it’s that much more difficult to motivate myself.

    luckily the blocker app I use ( had a updated which I installed yesterday so now it’s seems to be running much better and this helps a lot because I can just turn off all access to the internet on my phone for a set period of time. I mostly set it for an hour or two during the day to help me focus.

    if I have no access to the internet I still find myself picking my phone up, going to the web browser and just checking if the blocker is working.

    mot is working so this is good but I really need to learn to not keep checking it.

    hopefully with more clean time under my belt I will stop this habit.

    gonna turn it off for a couple of hours again now.
  17. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Feeling a tiny bit better today but still not able to concentrate properly.

    luckily it’s Friday and I’m on a half day so won’t be too bad.

    just trying to keep myself from zoning out. If I can just focus for the next few hours I’ll be able to relax over the weekend and hopefully will feel a little better on Monday.
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2021
  18. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    It’s Monday morning. I did mostly ok over the weekend, apart from about five or ten minutes where I slipped and was looking at a P site and Ming. I stopped myself without Oing but was pretty stupid of me.

    I have all these blockers set up to stop myself from being able to do this, but my blockers block my access to my 3D printer interface. So I asked my gf to use her user (which is no blocks) to send a print. I should have logged out right when the print sent, but in the back on my mind I think I had planned to leave it logged in encase there was an opportunity. Well there was for a brief window before going to bed.

    apart from that my last PMO was last Monday (about 6 PMO relapses that day). I’m glad that I have been doing well since then.

    today I am feeling similar to how I felt Friday. Really can’t concentrate, I have work to do but just want to close my eyes and go to bed. I can’t do that because I need to work. If I was in the office I think it would be easier to just get on with stuff. It’s better when there are other people there and everyone is working.

    when I’m at home on my own it’s difficult to feel motivated and get going.

    I’m feeling lots of subtle cravings at the moment. Hopefully they go away and I can get into my work tasks.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Stay the course @chrism ! It will be worth it.
    chrism likes this.
  20. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    I had a bit of a relapse yesterday on YouTube and

    I am going to block myself from being able to access these on my phone.

    needs to be done because I don’t really need to have access to these on my phone. They just waste my time and end up being my main reason I can’t get further in my clean streaks.

    gonna start to be more tough on what I am adding to my block lists. Once I get a couple of months clean then I will see about having YouTube on my phone again.

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