Moving towards a more desirable future

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by chrism, Mar 1, 2019.

  1. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    Yeah dude, personally I start really feeling better at around day nine. I’m sure everyone is a little different. I said this in a different thread and it’s crazy but with each day after that nine mark I feel like a different person and I begin to feel a little guilty that I feel so good. That feeling of guilt coupled with triggers do me in and I’m back at the starting line. Not sure if this is the same for you but we’re worth it and we are all entitled to feel great and shine. So your on day 2 and you’ll do great and push through difficult obstacles. With everyday you get stronger mentally. Fight the good fight and find that better life your worth it.
     
    chrism likes this.
  2. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    So I’m back to day 1 I peeked at P on Sunday morning.

    Had a really good weekend, that involved seeing a friend and having drinks on Saturday evening.

    Then came the hangover day, on Sunday morning I was still drunk. Did ok for a while, woke up at a reasonable 09:00 and went to go get breakfast.

    Came back home and after eating felt ok. I decided that I was going to be productive and start to learn some programming.

    Sat at the computer downloaded and installed python. Or at least I thought I had.

    Went to check it had installed and there is where the problem started. At the very first sign of failure my ability to thick rationally went out the window and I peeked at some P. Then over the next hour or so I tried to figure out why it had not installed and did this while switching back and forth between peeking at P and trying to solve the problem.

    Eventually I solved it, I just had to manually install it and set the path to the c drive. But at the point when I had finally figured that out I had looked at a great few images and videos.

    I did manage to stop after that but was already feeling the cravings.

    Feeling the cravings today again but got to try and stay strong again and just try to get through this day.

    I really want to learn to code, this will mean I had to be on my computer, so I just need to improve my will power and try not to get distracted.
     
  3. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Ok so yesterday I was close to relapsing but then my laptop broke.

    Not ideal as it is quite an expensive one and I need to print my portfolio for an interview in 3 days.

    Luckily I did a full backup of my laptop 2 days before it broke so I haven’t lost my data.

    I am however not very happy as I don’t really want to be spending close to 3 grand to replace my laptop. I am going to see if I can fix it this evening.
     
  4. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Well my laptop is still broken but was luckily able to get my portfolio files from my back using someone else’s computer.

    I also managed to get a company online to print the files in time for Friday so that’s good.

    I did peek a bit yesterday, and tbh I’m sort of loosing the will to fight this at the moment.
     
  5. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Ok, so yeah I let myself go a bit and relapsed.

    I now want to get back on track again.

    Let’s see if today I can stay clean.
     
  6. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    I had a few clean days under my belt, then I went out and got drunk and when I got home I PMO’d then, I PMO’d again 3 times during the day after when I was hungover.

    I know I am bad when I’m hungover. I just didn’t stop myself.

    I am back on the horse now though so today I am planning on staying clean and then I have a weekend with my gf and her brother so will not have any opportunity to relapse during that time.

    Just gotta keep moving forward!
     
  7. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Despite the 4 PMO’s I did on Thursday, I stayed clean Friday Saturday and Sunday.

    Monday now and I am hoping to carry this forwards.

    Work today could be a bit stressful, the MD is just being an arsehole to everyone so the mood in the office is pretty shit.
     
  8. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    It is now Thursday again and I have stayed clean the whole week.

    I have noticed that I am feeling frustrated and a little on edge the last 2 days. I put this down to being in the withdrawal from my recent streak of relapses.

    I need to stay mindful about how I am feeling and not let this mind state push me towards relapse again.

    I’m not sure if this is good timing or not but I have an interview tomorrow so hoping that today I level out a bit so I can think more clearly tomorrow.

    I keep reminding myself of how bad I feel when I relapse, the sense of failure and self loathing.

    I trick myself into thinking that using P is not a bad thing, that it’s an acceptable thing to do. I need to stop this train of thought and remember how shit it makes me feel, how nervous and anxious it makes me, how it slaps my motivation, how I feel numb and disconnected from the world and the people around me.

    Reminding myself of this is difficult, but I must keep trying and I need to keep busy so that I don’t feel the temptation to relapse.
     
    JD1981 likes this.
  9. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    Way to go dude!!! A week in the bag your doing awesome stay the course. Yeah interviews can be nerve racking, I couldn’t imagine going through one while experiencing withdrawal symptoms. No matter the outcome though the feeling of relapse sucks soooo bad. Can’t wait to hear how it goes for you. Don’t stop fighting, we’re in your corner.
     
  10. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    @JD1981 thanks for your kind words.
     
  11. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    The pressure did end up getting to me and I relapsed the day before my interview.

    This may sound wrong but I think because I satisfied the craving, it helped me in the interview.

    This is by no means a long term solution. I am well aware, but I did manage to get the job.

    It’s kind of fucked up, but when I got home from work after finding out they offered me what I wanted I rewarded myself by watching P for 2 hours and edging.

    How stupid is that!

    Now I feel low, even though I managed to get a new job that is more money and a better company than my current (now old one).

    I need to start to think of this as a fresh start and just fucking get my arse into gear and stop wasting my time on this shit that makes me feel like a waste.
     
  12. JD1981

    JD1981 Member

    Don’t get down on yourself it’s in the past dude, keep moving forward. Congrats on the new job. I hope this new move will make life a little easier for you.
     
  13. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man, thanks for the kind words.

    Yes I am hoping that this new job will remove a lot of negatives from my life.

    When you get home from work and feel that you are worthless because of one person at a company it’s difficult to stay positive.

    Since I handed my notice in on Friday 16th August, I have been feeling much better.

    My last relapse was on 15th August, its now the 19th so that’s a good start.
     
    JD1981 and TrueSelf like this.
  14. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Getting a good start on the week.

    I’m five days into being clean and today I am having some minor cravings.

    I had turned off my blocker as I was getting annoyed with it and now what i think I’m gonna do it just set a scheduled block time when I finish work so that I cannot go on the Internet. Give myself a couple of hours to do stuff and then when my gf is finished with work have the block finish because that’s really the time we’re I am likely to relapse.

    Then I can go home do some exercises and cleaning and not even go near the Internet during that time.
     
    JD1981 likes this.
  15. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    It’s now the 23rd August and my last relapse was on 15th August, so Iv made it past a week now.

    I am seeing the changes from being clean, morning wood has returned and the P dreams are coming back.

    Last night I had one of those dreams and woke up feeling like I had something to hide. Luckily I can’t specifically remember what happened in the dream so I am not having flash backs.

    I am however feeling the cravings to scroll through the Internet. I’m at work and that is a good thing because I can just put my phone in my bag and get on with my work.

    I am just now feeling that this might be the start of some serious cravings, I need to keep this in mind and stay vigilant.

    This morning my gf remarked on how much of good mood I seemed to be in. This is I believe directly related to being fully clean for a week from P.

    I must keep going!
     
    NewStart19 likes this.
  16. NewStart19

    NewStart19 Member

    @chrism

    Congratulations on the successful interview.

    I can relate to this. You can count the number of people I work with on one hand, and some days it is just me and this one coworker who frequently (and intentionally) tries to make me feel worse (and succeeds). I am looking forward to parting ways, though I still want to do so in an amicable manner. Hoping the absence of this coworker will be a noticeable improvement in your life.

    Keep stacking those days likes dominoes.

    Take care
     
    chrism likes this.
  17. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Well I had a blip.

    On Monday 26th I was hope along for a few hours and slightly hungover and ended up relapsing.

    While I did relapse I didn’t do what I normally do which would involved ending for at least an hour then relapsing.

    This time I got it all done in about 5 or 10 minutes.

    I know it’s still a relapse but I think it was better that I got it over and done with only watching 2 or 3 videos rather than the usual hour of clicking through many many videos.

    I just need to try and keep myself away from the computer when I’m on my own.

    On a good note though, being clean for 10 days really did start to get me to a much better place mentally. I was feeling more confident, was able to focus better and just generally felt in a better mood.

    I think I partly relapsed because I had started to be getting the P dreams and then I was on my own in the house for a few hours while hungover so was just sat on the couch and had now other plans than to play video games.

    This was not ideal but I’m hoping I can keep the motivation going to stay clean this week.

    I have a few things that I want to have a clear head for coming up. One is that on the weekend coming I will be meeting my gf’s extended family for a bbq weekend away at her aunt and uncles house. The second thing is that I am starting my new job in 3 weeks and it would be good to have been clean for a few weeks so that I can hit the ground running and be clear of mind to help me focus and get into it a bit more efficiently.
     
  18. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    My last relapse was Monday 26th August, it’s now Thursday 29th. 3 days clean and feeling pretty good.

    Yesterday I had a bit of a win. I was doing some knee exercises, and then a thought popped into my head.....

    It was initially a small passing thought, but then it formed into a details idea about something to search for...

    I know. Dangerous territory.

    I knew that I had turned my blockers off so had free access to the Internet but I managed to push the thought out of my head and carry on with my exercises.

    I was proud of myself for using my will power instead of leaning on blockers.

    I really do need to keep this clean streak going to be in a good place when I start my new job in 2 and a half weeks.
     
  19. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Had another relapse on Friday 30th August.

    It’s now Monday 2nd September.

    I relapsed again, and now it’s Tuesday 3rd and I know why I relapsed so that’s something.

    I was doing ok, but had to use my computer.

    Normally that would be ok but I had just found out that my laptop is actually properly broken and unable to be repaired.

    I hope in the future I am better at dealing with stress.
     
  20. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Last relapse was Friday 6th sept, now on the morning of Wednesday 11th.

    Feeling some withdrawals the last couple days. Mood has dipped a bit so feeling a little low.

    Just trying to focus on the fact I start my new job on Monday 16th.

    If I stay clean till then I should start to feel better for my first week at work, which is important because I want to hit the ground running.

    Keep this goal in mind has helped me so far this week. I just need to try not to forget about this in those absent minded moments.
     

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