Moving towards a more desirable future

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by chrism, Mar 1, 2019.

  1. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Keep fighting my man. Relapses are extremely frustrating. Just keep learning from mistakes and keep moving forward.

    I had no idea how much I was really using P to numb any pain or negative feelings I was having; until I tried to quit. It was quite shocking really. It's difficult to re-learn how to deal with negativity when we have been numbing it for so long. It has become our go to, knee jerk reaction, that we often do without thinking or even realizing it.

    On a positive note, the fact that you have realized this, is a major step. You can't fight an enemy that you don't know is there.
  2. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Thanks for your comment. It’s good to know that we are all in this together.

    And yeah it is surprising how you can go so long dealing with something in a way that is actually making things worse and then when you try to stop that thing all those feelings you have been pushing away come back.

    I always do this, I have a good few weeks clean then I get over confident and start to reduce my ‘security levels’ in this case I got complacent and didn’t use the locked feature on my internet blocker.

    I don’t know why I do this, I guess it is just my addiction running in the background pulling me back in.

    I turned the locked mode on for my blocker yesterday afternoon and was clean yesterday with no issues. Today I am feeling a small amount of accomplishment that I did not relapse or peek or edge yesterday which is a good feeling.

    Today I have a choice, to exercise or not to exercise. Last week I did lots of exercise and this week I have done done since my relapse. I’m thinking I’ll maybe do yoga today and possibly go for a run tomorrow. Then next week I’ll pick it back up again.
    Merton likes this.
  3. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean here. Basically this is the story of my recovery over the last couple of years. I do really well and then at some point I start to pay less attention and coast. At that point I eventually get blindsided by some trigger and decide to give in.

    By the way I have found good use for freedom. I noticed that I always tend to start looking for mild pictures on my phone between 9-10:30 pm. I put a block session for that time and it has really helped.
  4. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Yeah that’s exactly what I go through too.

    Glad you are finding freedom to be helpful.

    It’s not like an answer to everything, but definitely think it is a help to just aid the process.

    Feeling ok today, not peeked or edged for 2 days and just about to do some yoga.

    Next week I’m going away with my gf for 10 days so really am looking forward to that. And will basically be no chance for relapse either which is good.
    Merton likes this.
  5. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    So Iv been peeking again and edging.

    Not sure why, think I have just got some reason been a bit stressed recently, probably work related.

    I found an old laptop at my house yesterday and obviously it did not have a blocker on it so was free to roam the internet. Luckily I had to go out so that was limited to an hour.

    I think I’m going to just go and out the laptop in my brothers flat after work to avoid the temptation of using it.
  6. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I also found an old laptop last summer. I couldn’t get it out of my mind and eventually used it for pmo several times. What I did in the end was to throw away the power cord. (It was an old power cord that is incompatible with my newer laptop.)
    chrism likes this.
  7. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I did the exact same thing at the end of last year. :oops:
    chrism likes this.
  8. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Well after I edged for like an hour with the found laptop I shut it off. Packed it up and took it to my brothers place.

    Feels good to have gotten rid of it. Before I leave work I think I’m going to block my internet for a few hours on my phone laptop and desktop.

    That way I can do some exercises, eat some food, and be productive at home before my gf comes over for the weekend.
  9. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    That's something I should do again. The laptop is where my relapses happen. A while ago I left the power cord at work so that if I got relapse thoughts, I had to go through a lot of trouble first. It wasn't fail-safe but it sure helped.
  10. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Currently 16 days clean.

    Much of that is thanks to being on holiday with my gf for 10 days helping me to get the ball rolling on those first few days.

    Since I have been back from holiday I have felt urges, but I have been blocking the internet on my devices when I feel the urges coming on.

    The holiday was great, really good to get some time away from work and just spend time with my gf.

    I am getting closer to have my portfolio updated so that I can properly begin the job hunt again.

    Iv been at my current job for a little over 3 years and I really do hate it here. There are people here on upper management that actively seek to make their employees feel worthless. Saying things like ‘I could do your job’ (when they most certainly can’t), and ‘you’re useless’ these have been said to other people while I have been in the room. Other things have been said to me as well and it’s seriously damaging my self esteem.

    This weekend I am going to really focus on getting a big portion of it done to speed up this process.
  11. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    That kind of behaviour is illegal of course. It would be worth taking notes of such incidences - times, dates and so on. They're completely in the wrong. They should be protecting employees against this kind of thing, let alone dishing it out. I'd love to see them being punished for that bullshit.
    chrism, -Luke- and Pete McVries like this.
  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's really not acceptable that you, the victim, should have to seek a new job due to tyrannical and bullying leaders. I agree with @occams_razor, I really hope that you report this before you quit.
    chrism, Pete McVries and -Luke- like this.
  13. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Thank you for your comments everyone.

    I am making a lot of progress with updating my portfolio (built a new website for it with lots of videos and images).

    Regarding the terrible way that staff are treated at my work, it’s one of those situations where I have no idea how or who I would be able to report this to. I also have no proof of any of these instances aside from some very infrequent ‘shitty’ emails. These emails don’t have the same language as what is said in person.

    I relapsed the day before yesterday. I know why, it’s because work is getting me down and I had a meeting with a mortgage advisor the other day. The result of the meeting that that I need another 20 grand for a deposit, or to be on a higher salary to get a larger loan amount.

    Thankfully I am already taking the steps to get a new job so for now I will just be focusing on getting my portfolio website finished and then the application process can begin.

    Pretty annoyed at myself for relapsing, but in a way I am glad that I can see why it happened and this is better than just relapsing for no reason other than because ‘this is my addiction and that’s what I do’.

    When I look at my 2019 PMO spreadsheet vs the 2018 one I am doing way better this year.
  14. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Recently I have had a bit of trouble staying clean.

    I put it down to stress mainly from work.

    I did a 4 days streak of being clean but then last night I just sort of deviated from why I was doing and ended up going down a path I knew I should not have gone down.

    Today I will hopefully stay clean, then tomorrow I will try to just avoid electronic devices while I’m at home until my gf comes over.

    I have been spending the vast majority of my free time updating my portfolio with an Ian to leave my current job and find something better. I am maybe about a week away from applying now so I should start to feel better when that is out the way.
    occams_razor likes this.
  15. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Well the job hunt has been going a bit slowly....

    Think I’m feeling a bit depressed and that is due to relapsing and then I feel more down. So it’s a bit of a vicious cycle.

    I realised that I could look at P on my Xbox so having blockers on my laptop and phone became useless.

    I managed to stay clean for a few days last week and the weekend and then this week iv peeked and edged 2 times and PMO’d once.

    It’s been a while since iv come here to post so thought it would be a good idea to get into this good habit again.

    Even writing this now my mind is in conflict about staying clean and just saying fuck it go relapse.
  16. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Well had a good weekend away with the family.

    Was doing really well, then came back to reality, shitty work and just immediately starting feeling bad again and then edged for an hour or 2 yesterday using the Xbox.

    Today I am going to try and make things simple again.

    My aim is to get through today and stay clean.
  17. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Feeling proud.

    Made it through yesterday without a relapse. Small achievement but the first day clean is an important one.

    New aim... get through today clean.
    -Luke- likes this.
  18. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Absolutely the first day is important way to go!!! Keep it rolling!
    occams_razor and chrism like this.
  19. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    That's right. Day-to-day-approach.
    chrism likes this.
  20. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Made it through another day.

    Feel ok but had a mild craving this morning while driving to work.

    Just need to keep up this attitude of getting through the current day.

    I just want to start to feel a bit better in my life generally so staying clean is important to that goal.

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