Moving towards a more desirable future

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by chrism, Mar 1, 2019.

  1. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Hi Chris,

    I'm contemplating of getting Freedom for myself because OpenDNS won't work for me because I use a vpn at all times and I don't want to give up my anonymity with all these asshole spying all the time (government, provider, etc.). I'm using Cyberghost btw. and I can highly recommend it.

    So, I have a few questions. Is Freedom an app that works in the background or what is the situation here? Can I configure it, so I won't be able to disable it? Does it work on multiple devices (I need two for my computer and my android smartphone)? Can I configure it, so that it only works as a porn blocker? I don't need it to increase my productivity. Also, is the official website?

    Thanks in advance!
  2. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hi there, yes I had the same problem using open dns with my vpn as well (I use NordVPN).

    Yes it does run in the background.

    I have gone into detail about how it works in my first few posts, but in summary; you install it, then create lists (one might be a P or P-subs list in your case and tick the ‘adult category’ but you will need to manually add your own sites depending on how obscure the sites you use are) you will then set the period of time you want this to be activated, and the schedule (I have mine come on every day at 04:00) but you could have it run for longer if you want.

    There is a feature called ‘locked mode’ the developer says if you activate this, the only way to turn it off is to contact the developer.

    Since installing freedom I have not had a relapse. I have now completed over 30 days of being clean.

    I have ‘tested’ it a couple of times and luckily it has worked, where as in the past I have done the same with k9 and the ‘test’ failed, leading me to relapse.

    You mentioned that you done want to use it for productivity, and this was my initial thought, but then ended up setting up (what I have called my) ‘level 2 block list’ which sort of just ended up being a p-sub / productivity blocklist anyway. And it does really help to reduce procrastination, which is a nice bonus.

    However this app is not the only reason I am clean, I have also been actively filling my time with other things, such as; going to the gym, working on my portfolio, being around people. So you have to make sure you do other things as well to fill your time.

    Hope that helps, and let me know how you get on with it, and yeah that’s the address.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  3. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Still clean, on like 34 days now.

    Feeling a little bit of cravings today.

    Got word yesterday that the company I work for is making a loss and that our jobs aren’t safe if this continues so I now need to think about moving to a new job.

    I am a bit stressed by this, however I think I’m in a better mental state than I would be had a not been on 34 days of being clean.

    I am trying to relate how I feel now to how I felt previously when I had long streaks. I am not feeling as good right now. This could be a flat line or just a general low point.

    I do however feel like I have more motivation to exercise or do work on my portfolio, I just feel less happy.

    Odd feeling to have those 2 emotions at the same time, hopefully my happiness levels increase over the coming days.

  4. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I hope your job situation will resolve in a good way.

    And thumbs up for 34 days
    chrism likes this.
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I experience the same. Perhaps it's due to the taint being stronger. Back then everything felt fresh; anything was possible. But considering that finding out about the addiction actually made it escalate even more, it makes sense to me. Here's to hoping that a turning point eventually comes.

    The job situation sounds stressful indeed. I hope it won't affect the reboot since it's going well.
    chrism likes this.
  6. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Congrats on your streak, Chris! I just installed Freedom and configured it the way I want it to work. The only thing I'm missing is a whitelist but I asked the support about it and they told me that they are going to implement it in 3 months at the latest. Thanks again for the recommendation. After my last wet dream the chaser effect was real and really annoying and brought me to the brink of relapsing after smooth sailing for 60 days. So, I'm happy that I've added an additional layer of security.

    Edit: Do you know a way to block google's image & video search (for obvious reasons)?
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2019
    chrism likes this.
  7. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Not posted on a little while as I have been keeping myself quite busy with life.

    On day 41 of being clean.

    This is the best I have done in a very long time, so I’m proud of my achievement. I do need to make sure I don’t get complacent though.

    I think I’m in a flat line or sorts... I do feel good, but I also feel a bit down and not really got a huge amount of sexual energy. Although last night I some really good sex with my gf. So I guess I just need to not think about it until it gets started.

    In the last week I have had a fair few fantasy’s enetering my mind, both P related and things from my past. I’m doing my best to push them out of my mind. This could be one of the reasons that I am feeling a bit of a flatline possibly... not sure but just gonna try ride it out and keep moving forwards.

    I have got a lot more motivation to just do stuff in life. I have been able to do more activities relating to exercise this last week or so and I am a more attentive bf. I have also got more concentration when I am working on my portfolio which I very useful considering my goals at present.

    I will reply to those who have commented on my journal in the next couple days.

    @Pete McVries I actually just block the whole of google ( and for 24 hours if I feel urges coming on. Hope that helps.

  8. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    I’m 9 days away from being 2 months clean.

    What I am surprised about is that I feel quite low at the moment. I have the odd day where I feel good but for the most part I do feel low.

    Maybe this is just withdrawal, I’m not sure as this is the longest I have gone in over 3 years.

    I am however doing more life related stuff, more exercise, more work on my portfolio, able to deal with work easier, more productive.

    I guess this is just a barrier that I need to push through.

    Very low lebido at the moment, and have been doing my best to push fantasy out of my head, it’s difficult sometimes, but I just continue to focus on pushing the thoughts out of my head. These thoughts are mostly to do with my previous experiences rather than P, which I guess is a good thing.

    I still need to reply to you guess above, but not sure when I’ll get to that, maybe when I am feeling a bit better.

    Merton likes this.
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Sounds like your brain is changing. Often it gets worse before it gets better. Good to see that you are doing positive stuff instead of just waiting for things to get better. That's a crucial point in recovery.
  10. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man, thanks for your message.

    Yeah that’s what I’m hoping is happening.

    It’s been a long time since I have had a steak this long so not used to these brain changes.

    Thanks again man! It helps to have someone else comment something similar to what your thinking.
    -Luke- likes this.
  11. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Congrats man!!
  12. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    5 days away from 2 months clean.

    Had a nice weekend and was quite social.

    Think I’m in a bit of a flat line. Low lebido, and feeling pretty low as well generally.

    Still think this is a phase because I haven’t been clean this long for years.

    Still having cravings, but it’s a lot easier to push them out my mind and get on with other things.

    Continuing to be more active doing yoga, knee exercises and gym at least once a week for each of those activities. This is the most consistent I have been with my exercises for years too.

    Im thinking that the thing that’s keeping me feeling low is because my job is not seeming to be safe. The company I work for seems to be going down the toilet. But I am using my free time to update my portfolio in preparation to get a new job. It’s like I’m working 13 hour days, starting work at 07:00 and not stopping till gone 20:00.

    It is going to be worth it when this is all out the way but it’s a bit of a slog getting there.

    Hoping this flat line comes to an end soon.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  13. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    A guy in my office wanted to show me something on Instagram, I installed it back on my phone so we could connect and today I have been scrolling and ended up on some profiles I know I shouldn’t have been on.

    I’m fully feeling cravings now. Came here instead of reinstalling Instagram on my phone again.
    Merton likes this.
  14. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Glad you made it, stay strong my man! I know it's not easy. But you did a good job of breaking the habit loop by coming on here instead of more instagram. I hope you keep it deleted and make it through the night okay! Keep taking it one day at a time. You will get there.
    chrism likes this.
  15. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Good move coming here! Lately I have gotten a lot of benefit from immersing myself in recovery materials when I have any urges.
    chrism likes this.
  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Great decision. I find that it's far too easy to stumble upon something social media...
    chrism likes this.
  17. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Well firstly thanks very much guys for your kind words!

    And I am happy to say that I made it through the weekend clean.

    I did have some fantasy which was somewhat P related but I did not make that a reason to install Instagram or YouTube back on my phone.

    Sometimes it’s just an insane level of craving, which really has no benefit to my life apart from escaping reality for that period of time. Which is not a benefit in the long run it just fucks your life up and prevents you from focusing on what is really important.

    As of this post I am a month and a couple days clean.
  18. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Well I’ll have to reset my counter, but trying to look at this in a positive light and not get discouraged by the lower number.

    On Friday 12th for some reason I downloaded Instagram again and ended up edging.

    Still feeling good in general as I had a nice weekend with the gf and now we have a couple of bank holidays coming up so that’s 2 four days weeks in a row.

    I’m going to just delet my Instagram account now I think to avoid any future issues.
  19. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Went on YouTube yesterday and then out of nowhere turned off the search and watch history and ended up PMOing.

    I guess I felt the cravings building, and had a bit of a shitty day at work. Which resulted in the active brain taking a short nap and the passive addict brain kicked in, took over and then boom. Relapse.

    Got 4 full days together with my gf so hopefully I’ll be ok and get myself back on a clean streak again.

    Overall though the last 2 months have been amazing and iv made lots of progress, so really don’t want to throw that away.
  20. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Yesterday was not the best.

    I turned off my blocker and then ended up edging for a few hours.

    I had a pretty shitty couple of days at work and it just got a bit much and I ended up using my ‘crutch’ as it has come to be to numb my pain, which was all good until I was left feeling like shit and thoroughly unhappy with myself for giving in to my urges.

    Needless to say that today I have turned the blocker back on and I am now going to put it in locked mode. That way I can’t just turn it off.

    Other than that I am super ready for my holiday which is in 2 weeks and it can’t come soon enough!

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