Moving Forward

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ospek, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. onelove

    onelove Guest

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Long time Ospek,
    Hope you're still fighting the good fight. Keep trekking away even if you've lost sight, times like those are the true test of our determination. Cheers.
    OneLove
     
  2. Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Hey Ospek! I miss reading updates from your journal. How's life been treating you?
     
  3. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Thanks buddy. I'm still trekking, always and forever.

    I will never lose sight of becoming the best person I can become; healthy, drug and porn-free; open and awake; productive and creative. I have fallen recently but I have no choice but to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep at it.

    I hope you have been doing good as well, OneLove.

    Life's been good, StrongerBolder. I feel so good. I can feel the good effects from abstaining from weed, cigarettes, and alcohol. I have so much more energy and am much more aware. It is a good feeling. I will never go back to those cloudy days, man. It sucks.

    I have struggled with porn but having a healthy body and mind will really help me battle this addiction.

    I've also been getting the biggest test of my life at school. Porn addiction really fucked with my development at school. Shit, it fucked with my personal and social development too, basically. I am feeling the effects from it at school, but I'm more focused because of the drug abstinence. Right now I'm at a point were I can graduate this semester, or fail, and have to wait a year to graduate become my skills are so under-developed that it takes me foooreeever to accomplish a task, an I know it's because of the effects of porn and drugs on my brain AND the lack of practice because I was spending more time on drugs and porn.

    But I am feeling good, man. I'm exercising, eating well, watching my money closely, and spending much less time online. I see you have used P recently, sorry to hear but I know how you are, StrongerBolder, also trying to be the best you can be. Keep pushing!
     
  4. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    One thing I've noticed about myself:

    I used to think that I was naturally absent-minded. I do have the propensity to day dream and fantasize a lot. I am extremely introverted so talking to people isn't as exciting as what is going on in my head, but I do enjoy interacting and connecting with others, whenever it does happen, since I do not put much effort into socializing (I don't really like talking much).

    Anyways, I have noticed that I am more present. I am starting to be more outwardly focused. However, my social skills need to catch up because of the lack of practice from my inwardly-focused former self. I am not confident in my ability to fluently interact with others, so I still avoid people.

    In the past, people would always say the typical "hello," or "how's it going," and I wouldn't notice them because I was deep in my head. They would have to get my attention. It still happens occasionally, mainly because I avoid eye contact, and this is because of my bad "habits."

    In summary, drug and porn abstinence is helping me be more "awake." It feels like I had been in a sluggish trance all these years.
     
  5. Joseph87

    Joseph87 Guest

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    I thought I was reading about myself there for a second, Ospek. Perhaps we could exchange observations/tips down the road as we go through our self-improvement journeys, because you literally just described my introverted self perfectly to my subconscious.
     
  6. Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    I mistakenly labeled myself as an introvert because of these symptoms. I was always zoning out from the moment and I avoided interaction at all costs. However, when I did this project, it was a really huge eye opener that I am in fact extroverted! I enjoy being around other people. I am sure that you are on your way to breaking the "bad" habits you have formed throughout the years. Keep it up :D
     
  7. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    I would enjoy to hear your observations or tips regarding your introversion and how you navigate the social waters. From reading your journal, I can tell that we have similar temperaments. Part of my self-improvement journey is to improve my social skills and make more social connections. I avoid being social because I feel extremely uncomfortable in those situations. I enjoy social interactions only when it goes well and brief, then I want to go hide. I can only last so long. My "talking mechanism" shuts down and I want to go back to just thinking about stuff; while others want to continue talking about stuff. I also cannot end an interaction smoothly. It is almost always awkward. This, I know, is because the lack of social interaction. I do not know how to, or when to, greet people, introduce myself, excuse myself, exit a conversation, etc. I do not know what is appropriate or etiquette or typical. What's weird is I can do relatively good if it's just me and another person, with no one else around, but add more people into the equation and I'm fucked. It's like my brain begins to make more calculations to compute the other people around me, and I can't handle it. Of course, I also realize that confidence is a factor, and drug and porn use had an enormous negative effect on it, especially being the highly introverted person that I am
     
  8. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Thanks, StrongerBolder. I am gradually forming new habits that's for sure :)

    You do seem a bit extroverted compared to others on here, in the way that you don't tend to dwell too much or over-think things. You do not seem to be too much in your head. You are like, "ok, this happened to me, sucks but oh well, on to the next," which is a good characteristic to have. That is one thing I am trying to achieve: a "moving-forward" mentality. Actually, for the most part, I have already adopted that mindset. For example, currently I cannot picture myself with a woman. Usually, I would feel bad about this and dwell on it. Now, I'm like, OK whatever, I gotta work on my education, my career, my mind, my body, and if it happens it will happen, whenever it happens.

    I'm curious, StrongerBolder, do you enjoy your alone time? That is one way you can differentiate an introvert from an extrovert, well the extremes in particular. An introvert loves their alone time, I know I do. Of course, be alone for too long and it has negative side effects. Extroverts, on the other hand cannot be alone for too long, it is not stimulating enough for them. I'm wondering if you just might be an "omnivert." You just probably lie somewhere in the middle of the introvert/extrovert spectrum.
     
  9. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    I decided to change the title of my journal to something more appropriate. There is no way I will ever go back, and I sure as hell will not run around in circles.
     

    Attached Files:

  10. Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    I eventually learned this moving on mentality. I started out feeling really, really down whenever I hit some bumps on the road even up to now. Maybe it's not evident in my journal but it is with me. Like you, I am continually exercising the 'moving forward muscle' and will continually do so for the next century or so as it is a little trick we can utilise to be successful. :D

    I still enjoy a little alone time, but I always am looking for ways to socialise. I feel that I get my energy from being around other people. When I'm alone, I feel that I always have to rely on myself about everything and it tires me out. But when I'm with other people, I have fun interacting with them. Take note that this has happened only with this no-PMO project so I'm very grateful for this change in me. ;D And you're right, being alone is not stimulating enough for me. I tend to get lazy by surfing the net too much, sleeping, etc. I like the energy that other people give me, especially girls/women in general. They have this power to charge me up unlike when I'm in front of my laptop hehehe.

    I like the new title of your journal. It sounds very positive and is more related to your current situation + mindset in life. 8)
     
  11. richard29

    richard29 Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Hey Ospek, seems you're a binger like me! I'm kinda interested to know what your fetish is (no worries if u don't wanna share) and whether when you relapse and binge, you hoard porn, as in download lots and then binge, or just edge to multiple videos open in internet tabs...
     
  12. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Hey Habitus. I have read your journal posts several times but every time I write some sort of reply, I delete it. I have difficulty expressing myself, or maybe it's just insecurity, but I identify with a lot of what you write. Especially, with a lot of things you mentioned in your last post.

    Yes, I'm quite the binger. Unfortunately, I binged last night.

    As far as fetishes go, I have always been attracted to the female's lower body - ass, legs, feet. Although I don't really have a foot fetish, I do have an anal sex fetish (it is my main one). That is the only thing that really turns me on when watching porn. I can enjoy regular vaginal sex that showcases those body parts, but it is not as stimulating.

    I am also a hoarder. It was pretty bad before I decided to quit. I had a collection that was over 1TB on two external hard drives. Now, when I binge, I'll edge to a couple scenes I download and multiple (and when I say multiple I mean A LOT) of tabs open. When I'm done, I trash everything and clear my browser history.

    I'm interested to know what your fetish is, and do you also have a lot of tabs open during a binge?
     
  13. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    I Don't Like Attention

    In a room full of people, you can find me in the back.

    Part 1

    Yesterday I had a pin-up presentation for school. We were given a fictional client and their logo, a random building, and we had to design the exterior. it is "placemaking design." You basically have to design the building to the company's brand identity. We were given a logo, and a short description of the company. I hate, and I mean hate presentations, but I did surprisingly well. I was going to give up this weekend so the outcome could have been drastically different.

    I knew the initial phase of this project was due Monday at 4pm. I had the whole weekend to work on it. I had a few sketches and that's all. Sketches that the instructor did not like. He pretty much bashed my ideas. He's a bit of a dick.

    Friday

    On Friday, I wanted to get a jump start. First of all, I have to have my environment clean before I start, maybe it's just a little bit of an OCD thing, but I cleaned my room, the bathroom, which is adjacent to my room, and the garage, which is adjacent to the bathroom. I live with my parents and I essentially have one side of the house to myself, which I maintain. I continually keep things in order, but this cleaning took a long time because I hadn't cleaned the bathroom in weeks, and I replaced the toilet seat, which I made two trips for because I purchased the wrong damn size. After I was done, I did my daily exercise routine (I have been trying really hard to make this a habit), and I wake up around 1-2pm (this is due to my internet and porn addiction), so I was done around 6pm.

    OK, I took a cold shower (another habit I have been successfully integrating into my life), and it was time to start.

    Time to Start

    I thought, "hey, I just had a good productive start to the day, I will treat myself to some internet. It will just be several minutes."

    This did not go the way I planned. Several minutes became hours; jumping from YBR, to Facebook, to blogs, to Youtube, back to YBR, back to Youtube, listening to music, looking up artists, bookmarking, looking at google images (for design inspiration), the whole shebang. During this time online I don't even interact with people (I am extremely sensitive to how I may be perceived, or if I might say the wrong thing, etc.). Sometimes I gather the courage to hit "submit."

    Also, I spend way too much time to reply. It takes me an enormous amount of time to write something. I re-write it, go over it, delete sentences, re-write those sentences, (does it make sense? is it important? what's the point?)...it's a big mess. I'm a bit of a scatterbrain when it comes to expressing myself.

    Then the inevitable happened...I porned. Yes, I watched and masturbated to porn after having gone 10 solid days of no porn (well, not that solid, I used masturbation has a repellant). I know, to some that is not a lot. It is for me. Since I started back in September 2013, I haven't gone more than 2 weeks. I tried to mitigate the urges by masturbating. It helped until I came across triggering material on Youtube, and a black hole emerged.

    7 Hours Later

    I totally binged. Finished at 8am in the morning. Sick stuff, right? Once I'm hooked, I'm hooked. There isn't a power alive that can pull me away. In reality, I was hooked since the beginning of the pointless web browsing. Let's see, I started at 6pm and finished with an icing on top at 8am. 14 Hours of addictive-compulsive behavior. Time that could have been better spent working on my school-work - my craft.

    The urge to use (internet, porn) is strongest when I am trying to do work. Now Imagine the skills I could have developed with that amount of concentrated, dedicated work that could have wisely been spent instead?

    Enigma

    I'd like to add that as I'm writing this I am listening to Enigma on Youtbe (Great Hits Of Enigma 1990-2010 In A Join Mix). I've never heard them before but it's awesome. if you like relaxing-type music, you'll enjoy this. What I want to mention about this is that there is a part (in the song I Love you... I'll Kill You) that says "Loneliness. I feel Loneliness... in my room." Damn, that hits close to home. I'm introverted, but I shouldn't spend my life in my room acting out my addiction. It's a sad life. I want to live life... out there... with people.
     
  14. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Part 2

    Saturday

    On Saturday I wake up at 2pm; 6 hours of sleep and 0 hours of work on my project. I'm hungover- I know, a porn hangover. Seriously though it's like a hangover. I'm a mess; I didn't do my daily exercise, I didn't do my bed, I didn't eat or take a cold shower to start my day. You know what I did? Straight to the computer. I didn't watch porn, well, not at the moment.

    Downloading Music

    I love electronic music and I love to browse and find the best I enjoy and download them. I decided that my brain needed a rest. Actually I didn't really decide, it was compulsive behavior; I just did it. The idea was that I was going to go over some podcast and choose my favorite tracks and download them. Well, I listened to the podcasts, tracks on YouTube, tracks that YouTube recommends, then Beatport and its recommendations, back to Youtube - the saga continues.

    The whole ordeal finished at 7pm (5 hours). I then ate, and took my cold shower (I'm glad I at least still had the courage to bathe in the cold). It should have been time to work on my project but no, I spent 2 more hours on Hulu.

    I Finally Started

    ... at 10pm. I did a quick clean-up and organization of my room and got to sketching. Then I got on 3Ds Max to start modeling some of my ideas. Fuck no. Shit was so fucking frustrating. It was easier when I learned it but I have stayed away and not practiced that it has become difficult. All those wasted hours on the internet and porn is attributed to it. So I jump to Google Sketch-up, which is easier, and started modeling. Frustration kicks in at about 1am and i give up. I jump back to porn and finish at 6am; another 5 hours of addictive, compulsive behavior.

    Sunday

    Sunday I woke up at 2pm and I did my morning routine this time.

    The philosophy I have been trying to instill in me is that every day is a working day. Every day. As you can see, I have an off day from time to time. I typically start my day (well, since I started this no addiction, live a healthy lifestyle transformation back in September 2013) with reading a book as I sit in the toilet (very productive use of that time, I think so), then I make my bed and go eat a good breakfast (cereal, eggs, and two bananas). Then, it's my exercise routine.

    My Exercise Routine

    I shoot hoops in my backyard for about 25-30 minutes. I drive to the basket as fast as I can, in different ways, over and over. I dribble the ball back and forth "the court" using my left hand. I'm right handed and not only will this improve my dribbling versatility but it works out the willpower muscle, or so I've read on the book titled "Willpower." Basically, do things or use hands that you wouldn't normally use. For example, when I shower, I change the routine or stand a different way. If you would to try this, and if your shower ritual is down to an exact routine like mine is, it will throw you off, man. That shit feels weird.

    OK so then I work out my muscles using a bench, a curl bar and some stupid little 5lb dumbbells. That is all I have. I have weights for the curl bar, so adding weight is there. I don't know the names of the routines I do, but I try to work out the main muscle groups. I do crunches and squats too. My final routine is to shadowbox with the 5lb dumbbells in my hands. it gets heavy after a while. I started with about 30 punches at one time to about 120 my last time today. I love to shadowbox, it's like dancing, it's about rhythm.

    I finished my exercise with a nice cold shower and got dressed.

    The idea is to dress like it's time to work. Because of school I have been on and off from work so I do not have steady schedule or routine like someone who has a steady job. I used to start working on my school projects in shorts on and socks, no shoes. That is a big no-no. I gotta start the day like it's time to go to work. I have been instilling this mentality into my life, again, since I started this transformation. No more loser, erratic-like, un-structured behavior. Again, I fall off from time to time, and indulge into my addictions and become a mess, momentarily, but the idea is to be consistent.

    OK, Now It Really Begins

    Ok, so I started my project at 4pm Sunday and had 24 hours to finish and I had the whole fucking week to do this! So this time it got real.

    It Gets Real.

    I couldn't believe that I let the whole weekend slip by my hands. My addictions got the best of me, but I had to do something and it was the an extremely grueling experience. This is how I have gone through my academic education; waste majority of my time fucking-off (and by fucking-off I mean jacking-off... and other miscellaneous crap, like downloading music, skimming blogs and articles, and lurking on Facebook and other sites, like YBR), and then spend an intensely short amount of time on my school projects.

    I was getting so frustrated, I was jumping from work to YouTube videos, back to work. I needed breaks but wasn't taking good breaks. My breaks were my addictions. Instead of talking a walk, I watched one Youtube video and then back to work. It became 1am and I was deciding to quit. I watched porn quickly and It gave me a jump. For some reason, it does that. It's like my brain needs it's fix to keep going so I resorted to that. I was going to quit again but watched porn again around 4am for another jump. it worked. I kept going. At 8am I ate quickly, went back to work. I finished at 12:30pm Monday afternoon. Then I got ready, no cold shower this time, my body was too sensitive from over-exposure to the computer screen and no sleep. I then drove one hour to school, I live 50 miles away from my university, and had to deal with LA-fucking traffic; douche bags everywhere. I kept my cool. Went to Fed-E Office, printed out my stuff, pinned them to a board and was ready at exactly 3:50pm, 10 minutes before my presentation.

    I did my presentation. Did I mention how much I hate presentations? The reason I hate presentations is because I shake, extremely noticeably. Here is a grown man who shakes when he speaks in front of the class. Because of this I rush through it. I don't even know if I make any sense. At that moment, I forget what I am going to say. Things that I wanted to say are not even mentioned, and the order in which I wanted to speak does not happen. I have a bad case of crutchingly extreme anxiety when it comes to public-speaking.

    I purchased phenibut the other day, I heard it helps with anxiety, but it did not come in time for the presentation. My classmate recommended I drink some alcohol, which I have done and slightly helped, but i am avoiding alcohol at all costs.

    Here is the trip: I had the most done from all my classmates. My design was also the favorite of my instructor. He had so many good things to say about it. He said I deserved an award for the most improved. This dude has been a dick with me since last semester. Let me rephrase that, he has been a dick to his students since he started teaching there. Ok, not that bad, he can just rude in his criticisms.
     
  15. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Part 3

    My Observations

    I was in a state of hyper-sensitivity because of the lack of sleep and energy. This happens every time I do an all-nighter and do not sleep for one day. I feel like I'm on a psychadelic; I am hyper-aware.

    My design (and I don't even think it was a good design), and the teacher's praise made everyone's perception of me change. My classmates were paying attention to me. People who went up, who had the same "client," appeared self-conscious because their design did not compare to mine, and I hated seeing that. I'm no better, man. I got lucky. But you could see it, they were not enthusiastic about their design. I felt bad for them, and I hated that I looked like I was better. People were looking at me and I didn't know what to do. I was trying to hide myself.

    After class ended, we had to walk over and drop off our pin-up boards to the instructor's office. I walked away fast. I couldn't look at anyone in their eyes. I didn't want to. One of my friends from class wanted to see my design. She wanted help with hers. Other girls in class were roaming around me. I think they wanted to talk with me, but my friend kind of came to my rescue (or cock-blocked, however you want to see it. She's married). As we were walking down the hall, another girl was "roaming" and she was looking at me and I chuckled (that is what I do when I'm nervous, I smile or laugh), and she asked why am I laughing, but in a friendly way, and I told her I felt weird, lack of sleep. She seemed to want to somehow start talking to me or something but then she saw my friend and stopped. It was weird behavior. I couldn't make out what was going on, things were happening too fast. Others approached me and congratulated me. As I was talking to my friend regarding her design, another classmates walked by and we made eye contact and said see you later, like if we have known each other. I felt like I was suddenly popular.

    One thing I don't like about doing "good work" is that I have to keep it up and if I don't do good work, I will let people down or something. No, let me rephrase that: I will let myself down. It was a fluke, and it may well have been just that, a fluke. I have managed to get by turning project after project just at the nick of time. It has been good somehow to go under the radars, not detected. No one really notices you. I know, this sounds stupid, but that's how I feel; doing "good work" garners attention, as I saw yesterday. Too much attention, and I don't like that. I have to perform at that level every time. I felt people were putting me up on this pedestal, which I don't deserve to be in. I hated this feeling. I don't like the attention I was getting. I like to go unnoticed. In a room full of people, you can find me in the back.

    I wonder, though, if this is the addiction talking?

    Note: I wanted to write this down. The insecure, sensitive me didn't want to do it, because of how I would be perceived, or if it would even be read at all. It doesn't matter. I also wrote it without re-reading it to save on time. I am going to write my observations as they come to me as they happen, for me to dissect later, especially in regards to my social anxiety.
     
  16. Ospek, this is progress in the making.
    I don't believe in miracles. Pushing yourself to succeed in your project made the difference, even if you followed a really long path to get where you are. It's not a fluke, I tell you. It's a combination of everything you have done to progress yourself.
    Holy crap, I felt the same way about doing good work. I worried before that since I was able to do a successful project, the expectations will be higher and it will have an effect of me letting myself and other people down. However, after reading Anthony Robbins' books, I discovered that to be able to be successful, we have to raise our standards. That is the first step - we impose a higher standard for ourselves. In this case, you are "lucky" to have it materialise in front of your eyes so there is real, solid proof that your standard is already getting higher. You have been keeping away from drugs, PMO and other addictive stuff and that's always a good thing.
    If you're having any problem at all, feel free to message me so we can talk! Maybe you just need a friend to talk to about your current success. :D
     
  17. richard29

    richard29 Member

    I kind of have this messed up fetish about being a voyeur and being cheated on, not cuckold, more just watching, or knowing about being betrayed and getting off on it. It's weird, I know. Especially as I know I'd be way to jealous to be into swinging or anything too!

    I got cheated on years back and couldn't take it, so it's obviously sprung from there, but why it's lasted so long? I dunno. I guess it just became my default sexual behaviour.

    Also I have this thing for BJ's, I don't really watch the sexual parts of porn, mostly just the head and the facial - though, again I think this is linked to the cheating thing as head is quite a subservient thing, so it feeds into this whole betrayal to another guy thing.

    Though I have patches when I don't fap over the 'cheating' fetish, this is where the hoarding comes in, just having loads of different pornstars like it's a harem. 90% of which I don't even watch, but it's the having that seems to be an issue. It's like my secret sexual bunker of escapism and fantasy, that, I'm sure as your aware, turns more into a nightmare after binging, so you delete it, and so on...

    I'd also like to second what Stronger Bolder was saying about finding out you're not so introverted as perhaps you first might have thought. I found I was MUCH more extroverted and social when I put myself into the world a bit. The more I fap, the more introverted I become.

    How you feeling after the last binge anyway, man?
     
  18. Joseph87

    Joseph87 Guest

    Good stuff, Ospek. You came into your own and took over when your back was against the wall. I've had similar issues when it comes to presentations and preparation. I think it's one of those learned skills, especially with the socially anxious types like us, where the more you go through the less stressful it becomes with time. The biggest thing for me, though, is the familiarity with my role and presentation matter. If I am feeling supremely knowledgeable of the subject matter and am comfortable with my role, my confidence rises to another level. I'll be much less nervous, my voice and demeanor will tend to naturally convey my confidence, and who am I kidding, it feels damn good to be in my own skin when all eyes are on me. If I do not get to a point where I'm on a comfortable level with the subject matter, it's not only more difficult to prepare, but I'll start to become more scripted and narrow with the vision of my presentation. Everything just seems to go downhill from there...

    I remember one particularly painful experience in high school where we had to do a solo presentation on an unsolved crime, mystery, or supernatural event. I chose UFO's because I was passionate about the existence of extraterrestrials. Lol (I still believe?!?). As if I already wasn't enough of a quiet oddball that sat in the back of the class minding his own business, I now had to stand in front of the class for 5 minutes and look ridiculous.

    We had to have a poster prop with images, news clips, summaries, etc. I opted out of having someone hold my prop while I talked because, in my mind, my body would be more exposed to my audience. I felt that my bad body language would be much more revealing and obvious to the classroom, inducing a greater level of self-consciousness (Even to this day, when I think about it, I'm more comfortable sitting behind a conference table or podium). Well, as I held that flimsy poster board, you know what happened? I began to violently shake while the poster shook in kind. I had scripted everything because I was so nervous about giving the presentation. I had basically memorized everything I was going to say. I survived for about one minute before I looked up to make eye contact with someone, and then I went completely blank. I couldn't remember what I wanted to say next or what came after that. I stood in utter silence for what must have been half a minute like a deer in headlights. It felt even worse knowing that the entire class had to endure such an awkward silence. The only sound to be heard was the rattling of the poster board.

    I finally apologized to the class and announced, "I'm not ready yet". I lowered my head and slunk back to my seat in the back of the classroom. Someone else got up and did their presentation. I remember I had this very serious look on my face, where I was trying my damnedest to block out the events that had just transpired and push through with all the willpower I could muster. My desk was covered in sweat. I was completely miserable. I was so full of adrenaline from pumping myself up that I hadn't realized another presentation had already passed and the teacher was calling on the next volunteer. I forced myself to raise my hand and was allowed to present again. I managed to stumble through the presentation to the end, and I was glad I did because it turned out to be a great learning experience.

    I thought about giving up. But my pride wouldn't allow that.

    You never quit. You just keep going even when you think you're out.
     
  19. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    You are right. Raising our standards gets us to where we want to be. What we think influences our behavior, obviously, and thinking about not producing great work will get me just that, mediocre or less than average work, all for the sake of staying "safe" and "unnoticed." I do believe that, like you and Habitus have mentioned, porn addiction has kept me in this very introverted and timid way of thinking. I'm working on "reprogramming," of course, but I think that is what is going on here.


    Thanks, StrongerBolder. Having a friend to talk to would help :)
     
  20. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Hey Joseph87, in those times when you feel fully prepared to present, do you "enjoy" that undivided attention? I'm curious because I wonder if the fact that I personally feel uncomfortable "in my own skin" is one reason why I do not like attention and get such high levels of anxiety. To be honest, currently I am not confident in my abilities or in my verbal communication skills and I think that is a major contributing factor to my social avoidance.

    Sorry to laugh at your bad experience but I thought it was funny, especially how you wrote it. Just so you know, I'm laughing because it is an experience (the shaking and the blanking out) that I am all too familiar with.

    This message at the end was very good. We gotta keep going, whether it is fighting social anxiety or porn addiction - never give up.
     

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