Moving Forward

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Ospek, Oct 22, 2013.

  1. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Hello guys,

    A little bit about me:

    I've been addicted to porn, fantasy, and masturbation for about 14 years now. I started around 14-15 years old, and I'm about to be 28. I have been a depressed individual for most of my life, and I am starting to acknowledge that my PMO addiction is one of the main reasons. I also started smoking and drinking around the same age and the choices I made following that were heavily influenced by these habits.

    I was a smart, athletic, and artistic kid. However, I was introverted and very shy as well because of a lazy eye that made me self-conscious. But at 15, I had corrective eye surgery and it was a success. This could have meant the beginning of a new life for me at school but my dumb-ass decided to get into PMO and drugs instead. Instead of seeking pleasure by making friends, playing sports, or trying to hook-up with girls, I lived a secluded life doing drugs and PMO. I am still an isolated person, even though I have friends that want to hang out. I'm just too addicted.

    History of my porn use:

    I began masturbating to drawings of naked women I would draw. This also marked the decline of me trying to develop my drawing skills because as soon as I moved on to a different medium of fantasy/porn, I gave up drawing. I no longer received pleasure from drawing. Soon, I began going to my local library after school to see pornography pictures, until I needed videos. I started to travel miles to a smoke shop that didn't ask for an I.D. to purchase VHS. I compiled a good collection of VHS tapes from buying and stealing them. A good sign you know you are addicted is when you steal. When I purchased my first car and was finally over 18 years of age I began renting, buying, and stealing DVDs. The more the merrier, right?

    This became my weekend routine. I looked forward to the weekends because that meant I was going to spend a lot of time watching porn. A normal person looks forward to the weekends to party and hook-up with women. Not me. I wasn't normal. At 25, I purchased my first powerful desktop computer along with high-speed internet. It was like heaven for a porn addict. You guys wouldn't believe that library I had accumulated; close to two-fucking-TB!

    I remember the day I trashed my drawing collection of naked woman and decided to move on. But I soon had my VHS collection. I trashed that, then came the DVD collection. One day, I read an article about changing your life and the author said something like: in order to bring something new into your life you need to get rid of something old (something along those lines). Well, I really wanted a girlfriend so after many attempts, I managed to get rid of my collection. I had tossed them out then retrieved them numerous times until I was finally able to let go. But this monster reared its fucking head again.

    My experience with women:

    At 20 years old, I had my first girlfriend. It was a relationship that didn't last long and I’m pretty sure it was because of my addiction. For example, this PMO thing gets me very withdrawn and insecure. Well, whenever I was very shy and timid she became indifferent towards me but whenever I was confident and talkative she was really into me. I noticed this change in behavior. When we had sex, which was my first time, I had ED of course. I was embarrassed and I think she felt inadequate too like she wasn't attractive. The next day I researched online and made an appointment to see a doctor. He made some tests and told me that I was perfectly fine and that my ED was only psychological. He gave me a prescription for some pills to deal with the ED and told me that as soon as I’m comfortable, I will no longer need them. I wasn't able to test this since me and my girlfriend didn't last long.

    I have had experienced with three other girls. I maneuvered with them pretty good to avoid the embarrassment of ED. I wouldn't go all the way. We would just mess around and cuddle. One time, while basically dry humping, one girl said, "why don't we just do the real thing?" and I quickly replied, "oh, we can't, I don't have a condom." What a slick response that was, I thought to myself. She would continue to visit me, out of the blue too. Every time, however, I would have to avoid sex. She finally gave up and I never heard from her again.


    Therapy and counseling:

    This whole time I had been depressed. I felt the ED was because of my depression, not because of porn. I always thought I was insecure because of my depression, and was in no way influenced by porn. I always blamed my troubles and my low self-esteem on weed, never considering the porn. I blamed the weed for my isolation even though I was PMO’ing during my moments of seclusion. I blamed everything but the porn because I never knew the effects compulsive porn use can have on the body and mind.

    From the age of 19 to now (at 27) I had been seeing a counselor to deal with my issues. The point of counseling/therapy is to find the root of the problem that ails you and fix it. Well, I told my counselor everything about my life that whole time; my drug use, my family, and my deep thoughts. It was 8 years of weekly therapy and guess what? Not once did I ever mention my porn use. I have stopped smoking weed. It's not even an issue. It was easy to stop smoking weed. I also haven't had alcohol in weeks, it doesn't cross my mind. I can actually smoke or drink on occasion instead of compulsively like I do with porn.

    I blamed everything, my mentality, my attitude, and my circumstances, for my problems except porn. After discovering this website and others I am finding out that all of my troubles have been heavily influenced by my porn addiction. I don’t need pills or therapy, I need to break from this addiction, any addiction. Basically, addiction keeps you from living your life.

    Why I am quitting:

    Right now I'm in my last year of college (Yes. I'm an older working dude at school. I went to a carpentry trade school after high school and when I was done I decided to go back to school at 24) Anyways, I've had opportunities to hook-up (Some of these girls are between 21-24). I look younger and I notice that some of these girls notice me, but I also think they wonder why I’m such a recluse. I don’t talk to them. I stay away because I'm usually so withdrawn. Extremely withdrawn, like what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-me-withdrawn. I know people notice this because I notice when others are withdrawn.

    Ok guys, so as I'm writing this, and I'm writing this from an empty class at school (I'm an interior design student), this girl I have a crush on (same major) and her classmate just walked into the room to work on their project. This girl used to smile at me when we would walk by each other. I noticed she also seemed to do things to be near me but the insecure, PMO-induced self always finds ways to leave the situation as soon as possible. She eventually stopped looking at my direction when we would walk pass. Anyways, these girls sat next to me, too close actually where I'm uncomfortable. Right now, she got very close to me, took her sweater off and whipped it around her chair where it almost hit me. It almost seemed intentional to get my attention (I have headphones on so I can’t hear a thing). Anyways, instead of starting a conversation, I am trying to avoid because I am not sure of myself right now. I just binged on PMO last night. I'm hung-over, if you will. This is the frustrating part. I should be confident, full of energy. I should be talking to them. But I don't. I feel dirty. I really do. All day today I felt dirty and was avoiding everyone I came across. I'm getting older and I want to date women before it's too late and find that one before I'm too old and women do not find me attractive anymore. I want to be able to interact with women, women my age and not feel insecure or socially or romantically inadequate.

    This other girl in my class (she’s British) always turns to look at me. She is beautiful. You know what I tell myself? She's too good for me. She needs to not focus on me. The small attention also gets me uncomfortable. Like, don't pay attention to me please you make me feel uncomfortable, just leave me alone. I feel this is the 14 years of unbridled PMO has done to me, and I want it to stop. I want a better life, before it's too late.

    Edit: This journal was previously titled, "I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late." I changed it to reflect my new attitude towards life.
     
  2. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Day 2

    It was a good night. I mustered up the courage to say something to them. They replied. The conversation was short, but I got to see her face. She would look up at me and smile. She didn't say much (seemed kinda shy. She is an introverted girl) I hadn't really seen her face up close like that before. She is beautiful.

    This interaction gave me motivation to stop. It was a glimpse of what my life could be like, maybe. I have never done anything like that before. I avoid any and all girls. This was a first, and I'm a 27 year old dude. This shouldn't be a big deal. Talking to women should not be a big deal. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I gotta do this.

    I would like to mention something about our views on women, and some of our motivations to quit porn. Someone on this forum posted a rant about those who are quitting porn so they can be pick-up artists and be with many women. I am in agreement with him, in that this is a bad view/goal to have. That mentality, I think, is what drove our PMO addiction. It's best to live the healthy and romantic life. To be with that one girl and connect emotionally, as well as sexually, but the right sexuality; love and romance, not lust.

    Well, at least that is what I want.

    Right now I'm on my second day of no PMO and so far no urges. But I know they will come sooner or later. I admit, I'm pretty scared. When the urges hit, will I have the strength to not give in? I decided to quit 4 weeks ago, and I have been relapsing regularly every week (on the weekends). That was my usual pattern too. I would go without porn during the week, and totally binge on the weekends. I think that is why I didn't think I really had a problem. I did have a problem, it's just that my pattern was different. So when weekends came my brain knew what it was going to get.
     
  3. charlescharles

    charlescharles New Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Congratulation dude, you're starting the best journey of your life (and never is too late).
    If you don't mind i suggest you to try this (http://lifehacker.com/281626/jerry-seinfelds-productivity-secret) to avoid relapses on weekend. It is simple, you just grab a calendar (the bigger, the better) and hang it on the wall at a visible place and mark a big X each day. In some days you will build chain that you have to thing twice before break it. (i didn't use it for avoid porn or nofap, but for keep the exercise habit, but is the same principle.
    I also suggest this amazing video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4ujctdYJnQ) to help you to avoid relapses on weekends.

    That's it. Keep going, man!
     
  4. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Thank for reading my journal CharlesCharles, I really didn't think anyone would read it. The link and video you provided were very helpful. Thanks for sharing, I really appreciate it.

    I was going to get on this journal and write some negative stuff I was feeling today, not really related to PMO, but with my experience with this girl I have a crush on, but your post was very positive that I will not write about that and stay focused. Thanks!
     
  5. PhoenixReborn

    PhoenixReborn Rising from the ashes, fighting with choice

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    I know the feeling you are describing all to well. I sat at your desk, I feared talking with that girl, I did not think highly of myself. My best piece of advice is to go easy on yourself. You are not the piece of shit you refer to in your writings. You deserve happiness just like everyone else.

    It sounds like you are in this for the right reasons. For self betterment and a fulfilling life.

    Forget about sex, forget about the O, and just talk to people as exactly that, people. Not some opportunity to get lucky.

    You are obviously very strong willed. Investing in your education and going back to school is no easy feat. I have no doubt that you can do this. You've dropped bad habits in the past, this one carries a bit more weight, but you are strong.

    Love yourself, recognize and celebrate all the awesome things you are doing, be casual, be confident, be-lieve in yourself, draw.
     
  6. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Thanks for reading my Journal, Phoenix.

    I will. I have to talk and stop being socially withdrawn. I need to connect with people. I've noticed that I get happy when I interact with people. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I feel like a kid that just accomplished something.

    Thanks, man. I like that you mentioned to draw at the end. That was my passion as a kid, and it will continue to be. I'm not going to let this addiction get in the way of that, or anything great in life, like my family, friends, and interests. Thank you.
     
  7. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Day 3

    Today I had arousing images in my head all day. It took a lot of effort to block them out, but I couldn't completely keep them out. At one point in the day, I was talking to my sister over the phone and I couldn't concentrate on the conversation. I wasn't really present. My mind was preoccupied with these thoughts.

    This is who I have been all these years. I'm never present. I'm always in my head.

    At one point, a very arousing image popped up and it got my heart racing. I thought I was going to relapse for sure. I put some sad music in my iPod and and started thinking about all the beautiful things in life I have missed because of PMO. The urges left.

    My heart won over this time.
     
  8. Foxhunter

    Foxhunter Deflect & Parry

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Hey man, I am in a very similar situation as you, however I always seemed to be able to talk to girls. The negative however was that no girl could ever live up to my ideal woman, both physically and mentally it seemed.

    Images will continue to flood your head. Tons of your favorite scenes will come roaring back time and time again, but you need to grit your teeth and focus your mind somewhere else. I made it to 21 days a bunch of times only to relapse. Each time it really did get easier, and these thoughts were slowly repelled.

    I am now at 60 days and let me tell you, making it to 90 will be no problem at all. I can feel the habit slowly, very slowly, leaving my day to day mindset.

    It's going to be painful but it already seems like you have accepted this and will make it out OK, one day.
     
  9. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Relapse

    Fuck. I relapsed, and it's like I knew I was going to relapse today since I woke up. Like, subconsciously, I had already decided I was going to. I spent all day at school working on my project, fighting these thoughts. I couldn't fight it, it was too much.

    Foxhunter, it's like the scenes basically live in my head. I try to focus on something else but I can't. I left school at 1am. I was the only person there. As soon as I got home, I went straight to the computer. Nothing was holding me back, not even me. No second thoughts, no second guessing. I was a man on a mission.

    I'm starting to feel like I'm powerless, but I refuse to give up. It's a tug of war. My goal is just five days and I can't even make it to that. This is much bigger than I thought. I guess the good thing is I didn't binge for too long. I usually go 6+ hours. I only went 2hrs. I will not walk with my head down, though. I'm going to pick myself up and try again.
     
  10. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Another Relapse

    I relapsed again last night. It could have been avoided because I didn't have any strong urges to begin with. I spent an unnecessary amount of time reading about quitting PMO, dating, and female attraction on blogs and chat threads. They carried a lot of triggers and the urge eventually came, and then I came...hours later.

    This shit is real.

    You know, the weird thing is, yes, I relapsed but I don't feel so bad. Maybe, because I managed to complete an assignment that was due today, regardless of my binge. I was multi-tasking last night.

    Accomplishing something always helps, I guess.

    Also, I was pretty social today. If I wouldn't have relapsed, I would have assumed it was because of the abstinence. It makes me wonder that, if I can have these moments of interconnectedness with a PMO-addicted mind, how socially connected can I be with a PMO-free mind?

    To be clear, these moments of sociability happen occasionally and momentarily. Tomorrow, I will go back to being reserved and withdrawn, back to my comfort zone. I'm like a lighter with low fuel. I usually have small flashes of spark. Sometimes, these sparks catch fire. But it only lasts for so long.

    I'm not much of a social person, and I really don't care about my appearance. Meaning, I do not put effort into looking decent. I haven't had a haircut in over a month, and I don't put gel or comb my hair. I wear old and dirty shoes. I would buy new ones but i don't want to spend the money because I'm kinda broke. I wear old, over-sized pants (that a grown man should not be wearing anymore) that I haven't washed for weeks. I really need to buy new pants that are my actual size, and I really need to wash my pants. All other pieces of clothing are clean of course.

    I just don't put the effort to look good. Back in my high school days, I used to get a haircut every week, I dressed like I was going to a club, lol, and had like 5 pairs of shoes, one for every day of the week.

    Ok, it wasn't that fancy, but boy did I put the effort. I sure did want to attract females back then. What happened?

    Porn and drugs.
     
  11. PhoenixReborn

    PhoenixReborn Rising from the ashes, fighting with choice

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Ospek,

    You must deal compassionately with mistakes you make, but you must not justify them. You must deal strictly with yourself when they arise, but you must not confuse that with self-hatred. It is a tenuous balance that only you can discover and one that I am struggling with as well.

    Here is some motivational prose copied from a recent email from my partner that I'd like to share with you-
    "...each relapse doesn't present a complete failure, but collectively, they create a smothering mass of regrets and life unlived. That's why you can't fail. It's not an option any more. You will miss your life. It will unfold before you while you are locked away in the comfortable depths of your despair."

    Let's leave that dungeon of despair; climb through our fears and demons; and emerge free from our shame; with power and strength that can only come from conquering those demons; with direction true to one's self. You are not in this alone. I am right beside you fighting our demons.

    Chose to fight, chose to face your demons. You can conquer them as they are merely figments of your imagination.

    Bill
     
  12. Care Bear

    Care Bear Guest

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

     
  13. pastures_new

    pastures_new New Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Reading your Journal reminds me of myself.

    I also feel I have wasted so many opportunities and feel its about time I stopped letting life pass me by and become a more sociable being. I feel like some of the pick up stuff is useful. Not because I desire to have a different girl every night, but just because I believe some of the natural game stuff (as opposed to the canned lines/routines type material) can help build your self confidence through self improvement in all areas of your life.

    I can also relate to the appearance thing, I haven't bought any decent footwear in a while lol, because I'm broke. I know this will not change unless I make a change.

    I usually always tend to relapse around day 5-8, when I've tried no-fap in the past numerous times, I'm soo trying to beat it. Don't let a relapse get you down, these things take time. Hopefully the relapse's will make you just that bit more motivated to go a little bit longer next time.

    The video that guy posted is really important, if weekends are your weak-point you definitely need to making an effort to get out on the weekends and do something, anything.... Like you said as well don't spend all day on here as something will eventually set you off, and get your mind wandering. Maybe avoiding posting on here on the weekends? And report in, so to speak, on the Monday of all the interesting stuff you got up to 8) offline over the weekend.
     
  14. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Bill,

    First of all, I gotta say that both you and your partner write very well. I admire your ability to express yourself so wonderfully, it sounds poetic. I am a bit self-conscious of my writing skills. It is not at the same level as yours or others on this forum. I hope that maybe my writing will improve from writing in this journal. I have also picked up the habit of reading when I wake up in the morning and before I go to sleep. I hope that my writing and communication skills can improve with these two practices.

    Anyways, I believe that I have already come to the conclusion that porn is not an option. It is not going to be in my life anymore. Of course, I am still prepared for any time of weakness, but i have made up my mind that I do not need porn, and I'm ok with it never being in my life again. It was difficult to get to this point because I didn't want to let go. But actual contact with a real woman sounds even better to me.

    Care Bear,

    I also care about you and really hope you recovery, as well. We are all in this together. We can all relate to each other. We can keep each other accountable. Be strong. I think it does become easier when you really decide that porn will never be in your life again. if you can truly say that, things will get much easier.

    Pastures-new,

    Your relapse pattern is similar to mine, except that it looks like you have been able to go up to 8 days. After today I will have reached my goal of 5 days and I'm pretty happy about that. I will increase it to 8 days, maybe even 10. Haha. I will take your advice and not go on this website Sat and Sunday. I will post today and that will be it for this weekend.
     
  15. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Day 4

    I am about to reach my initial goal of 5 days. I know, it's no big deal, but it's a step in the right direction. Surprisingly, this week has been real easy. A little too easy. What is going on here?

    I have had triggers presented to me, and the urges did not come. I've had small cravings but they were more of a habitual thing than an actual full fledged-craving. No sexual images in my head and I wasn't aroused. I've actually fantasized a bit. No porn stars, and no porn scenes. Maybe that is why?

    I also watched the movie "The Cabin in the Woods" the other night and there was a good amount of triggers in that movie. I thought it was going to send me into a frenzy, but it didn't. Maybe it was because it was two days after my relapse and I had already depleted my sexual energy? I usually recover after 3 days or so.

    So I am going into my fifth day with no real challenge. This is weird. Too easy. it's almost like i want to be challenged. Haha. Actually, I don't. I want the rest of my recovery to be this easy. Let's see how the rest of this weekend goes. Now back to my school project.
     
  16. Care Bear

    Care Bear Guest

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Well done,

    Very proud of you to accomplish your first set goal.

    Have a great day.
     
  17. pastures_new

    pastures_new New Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Well done on hitting your target!

    Would like to hear about the next targets you'll be setting for yourself..
     
  18. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Thanks guys. I feel really good about abstaining now. After hitting those 5 days it seems like it is much easier. I've also been really busy with school projects that I have no time to be thinking about abstaining or porn, or anything. I am really focused. That is one way to recover, it is to stay as busy as you can. The more free time you have, the bigger the possibility to relapse.

    Pastures_new, I am now giving myself a goal of 20 days. I know it's not that big of a goal, but I want to feel that sense of achievement again soon. As the count increases, I will give myself bigger goals.
     
  19. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Day 8

    So I have gone a pretty good stretch that I am very proud of. One thing I have noticed is that sexual thoughts and urges have not returned at all, since my last relapse. Like I mentioned before, this seems a bit weird, though. I feel like I'm flatlining, but it is too early for that, isn't it?

    The reason I feel like I'm flatlining is because I don't have any sexual thoughts or urges, and girls are not really turning me on right now. I actually try to fantasize about my ex, another girl I've been with before, and this girl I have a crush on and I don't get excited. I get partial and weak erections. I tried to fantasize about porn scenes and soon realize that it is a big no-no. It can easily send me back into that "mode." I can feel it. It is still there waiting to be woken up. But I will not wake it up. Fuck that.

    I like the power I currently have to momentarily introduce old porn scenes into my mind (and they seem like very vague and distant memories) and I can instantly, and at will, remove them from my mind. This is a very good sign.

    Another weird thing is that I keep getting flashbacks of my earlier stages of my PMO addiction. When I drive by a certain area, my mind remembers that I used to drive by that part of the city to go rent, purchase, and sometimes steal my porn DVDs. It was a long time ago. It makes me realize how long I had been stuck on this addiction for. What a sad time in my life. I also have very weird, sexually related dreams. It's like that part of my brain wants to regain it's power over me, but I will not let it.

    People at school are becoming a little more receptive to me too, or is it that now I am a little more receptive towards them and they say hello when they walk by? I don't know. But I am a little more comfortable at school. I am beginning to enjoy this journey. I'm changing habits. We all are. We are changing our lifestyles.

    I had a lot to say, but I can't remember because I need to get back to working on my project. School is currently kicking my ass because I do not have the sufficient skills needed that I should have developed in prior semesters. And why didn't I develop those skills in prior semesters?

    Yup, you guessed it, I was PMO'ing.
     
  20. Ospek

    Ospek Member

    Re: I Want a Better Life, Before it's Too Late

    Relapse

    I binged for 4 hours. It's a shame because it was a very good day at school. I had several interactions with females, which is unusual for me since I am pretty reserved. Women at school are noticing me more and saying hello. One cutie spoke to me in the hall and we carried the conversation into class. It's funny how when you talk to one girl in class others start to notice you.

    However, on my way home from school I fucking crashed! This is why I relapsed. I know, I should have dealt with it another way, but I didn't. The accident was my fault, and I only have liability so fixing my vehicle is going to come out of my pocket. I am currently not working because of school (I only work between semesters) so I need to take out a loan to pay for the repair. I am already deep in debt because I decided to go back to school to pursue a "dream job." I could have stayed working as a union carpenter, which pays pretty damn good, or I could have gone to school for civil engineering, which I was majoring in until I decided I wanted to be in a creative field. I was a bit of an artist growing up so I decided to do interior design to be a set designer instead. Well, because of this addiction I have half-assed my way through school, so getting a job after I'm done will be very difficult. In this field, it is not the diploma that gets you a job, it is your portfolio and your skills and I am lacking here because all of my projects were done in the last minute. My skills are under-developed because I never put the required time because of this fucking addiction.

    I do believe that if it weren't for this addiction I wouldn't be in debt, I would have finished school a lot sooner, I would have a girlfriend or would be dating, and I would have more meaningful friendships. People in class always reach out to me, as if they want to be friends but I stay to myself. I don't put the effort to build lasting relationships. Women do look at me, especially when I take care of my appearance and look like a normal, productive person. The thing is I get so damn nervous when a woman is paying attention to me, even more so when I am extremely attracted to her. I've been in many situations where young women will make eye contact with me, we'll keep eye contact, and I will be the first one to look away. Always. Well, fuck, what do I do? Just keep staring at each other? We both are not really smiling, we just happen to lock eyes. I get really uncomfortable so I turn away because I have no idea what the fuck to do. They should be more "afraid" of me. I'm the man. But they are more comfortable in those situations than I am.

    Anyways, I had to vent a little. I'm trying not to have that much of a pity party. Yeah I crashed, it's going to cost me money, but hey "It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." (Epictetus) Now I just gotta get back on the train and react differently to a setback. I did have successful interactions with cuties at school. I need more practice. It felt good. To look at some pretty eyes at a very close distance was very rewarding. I want to have that again.
     

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