Day 1 I thought I would try this out. Keeping a journal. I've looked at porn for many decades; since I was an eight year old kid and I found my dad's magazines. It's a generational thing. Once I talked to my dad about it and he said he had found his dad's magazines. I have been in therapy for a few years, and this is the main issue I deal with. But I haven't been able to make a lot of progress. Lately, I can go a day or two, but I slip back again. I feel much better when I don't PMO. That's why I want to quit. I feel much happier, more relaxed, more outgoing. When I PMO a few times in a day, my whole body hurts and I feel shut down with shame and self-pity. I am tired of it. It's like a persistent itch in the back of my brain, the desire to relapse. It hits me hardest when I have to do work I don't feel like doing; PMO is my most consistent form of procrastination -- it is a deferral of the feelings of frustration and difficulty and self-doubt I experience when I have work to do that I don't feel capable of doing -- especially when I know I will be evaluated. It occurs to me that PMO makes me feel like a little kid again. Especially when I have just finished and I'm shuffling through the apartment with my pants around my ankles. I even make a sort of blubbering sound with my mouth. I think this addiction contains some difficult to access trauma from childhood -- not any obvious, dramatic trauma -- just the everyday pain of neglect and lack of understanding, lack of warmth. The feeling that no one is interested, no one cares. I am always amazed at how the desire to PMO goes away when I am with other people consistently. It returns when I am by myself and there is the consistent question of why I have been left alone. Buddhist teachings help me a lot. They help me be tougher and at the same time more vulnerable than I have believed I can be. I can face loneliness, even appreciate it, but not because I am fleeing the heartache contained in it. PMO for me promises a way out of heartache -- but it doesn't work, the heartache is inevitable -- and when PMO is added in, it's heartache spiked with a sharp confusion. I would like to make friends with my basic state of dignity. I wish for a freedom from suffering for everyone on this site.