Missing Life Skills Post-Addiction?

Discussion in 'Social Advice' started by Imfree, Feb 17, 2017.

  1. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I'm not sure how "normal" my experiences are as of late.

    I'm pretty much totally out of PMO and masturbation. These things might happen now and then, but I am fairly consistent with being able to make it at least a month between PMOs and a couple weeks between MOs, even during stressful and emotionally turbulent times. I'm no longer so much an addict as an occasional user.

    Through either a lack of confidence and mental health or the reality of a social standing which I can't accept I haven't been having sex with more attractive women since getting off PMO. The difference though, is that even these women, which I considered to be beneath me, would have dumped me in the past after a couple months and I would have wined to them about it afterwards. Now I am in the position of breaking hearts. I have sex with them a few times, but get out of the situation (not always as confidently and assertively as desired) quickly because it doesn't feel right to me. I'm not sure to what extent I might find them less interesting or desirable because of my past porn use, but I do think that my longing for something else is genuine. I have had several women think I was "a keeper" after getting off PMO, but I was terrified of getting stuck with them. They raved about the sex and told their friends that I was good in the sack.

    I don't know how "normal" this is. People do go for mr. or mrs. right now when mr. or mrs. right is not available, but I seem to get the sense that it is not common for people to consistently get into situations where they are not totally convinced that there is a mutual attraction. Maybe I am just so used to dulling my emotions that I am lacking an understanding of how much emotional investment life requires.

    I do get the sense that I have a lot of catching up to do with social and emotional intelligence. A lot of people on the forum are really focused on just staying away from porn, but even when that is out of the way it can still be a rocky road.
     
  2. Mik2

    Mik2 Aka NwaltRed

    So you don't think casual sex is normal?
     
  3. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    Honestly, I don't know.
     
  4. JayKay

    JayKay Member

    You say you are "pretty much totally out of PMO and masturbation", yet you follow up with "being able to make it at least a month between PMOs".
    Not sure how that correlates with being recovered.

    I've seen many guys jump into the dating game when they are still very much into PMO, but justify their recovery with the few weeks that they have stayed off. My point is- this affects your relationships with women, specifically:
    Attachment
    Comittment
    Perception of Attractiveness

    I think you are right though- it takes a significant amount of dating experience to catch up with the dating dynamics of today, which are getting increasingly complex.
     
  5. Mik2

    Mik2 Aka NwaltRed

    1) Why would you want to get attached to women these days?
    2) Why would you commit to women these days?
    3) All the better to not regret fucking something unattractive.
     
  6. How is your social life in regards to hobbies, friends, career etc? What I found was that once I quit porn and MO I thought that magically a relationship with a women would materialize, I would have two kids a house and a dog and be the king of the world.

    What I found was that dating a women is the most complex of all human relationships, yet it is the one we want to jump into first. There's a reason people wait to get married and why divorce is so high, it is a difficult thing to maintain.

    What you seem to be doing now is gaining experience you never got when you were an addict. You were always a badass motherfucker, but you were stunted. That's why these women who are "below you" really like you, they see your potential.

    Keep going and getting practice. Try to make it less about sex though going forward and more about the company of a women. That seems to attract the better and higher quality women.

    Also, this is all my opinion and what has worked for me, agree or disagree as you see :)
     
  7. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    Thanks for the replies/advice.

    It's all relative. For three years once a month has been the average between PMOs and the record was four months. I would say that this is less than the average for youngish men and that generally no activity done at the rate of once a month could be considered an addiction. The frequency of my masturbation has certainly been much less than most of the population (and I think that this is a good thing). Some people might say that it is different for me with the history of addiction, and I would agree with them to a point. The remaining PMO behavior is not ideal and I'm sure that it is affecting me on some level, but the frequency is low enough that there is nothing routine about PMO. It is not related to my normal day to day life.

    I get the impression that there are not that many average, moderately attractive women out there these days. It's one extreme or the other. The attractive women seem to be getting more attractive, to the point where they seem to live in a parallel dimension relative to the rest of us. Maybe it's just where I'm living. Either toothless hobos, hillbillies, elderly people, and junkies, or people that seem unbelieveably wealthy, happy, and beautiful.
     
  8. Imfree

    Imfree Active Member

    I have a number of hobbies and career/finances have improved since moving away from PMO. Friends situation could be better. I hang out with quality people who I admire once every two months or so and hang out with people with mental health and addiction problems more regularly. I have a lot of trouble finding people who don't drag me down and are consistent, reliable, and available.

    I have certainly improved with talking to random people when I'm out and about and I have even done a bit of flirting a handful of times on a good day. It is a quantum leap to transition from these brief casual interactions to having somebody's number and plans to meet them.
     

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