Merton's reboot log

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Merton, Oct 30, 2018.

  1. Merton

    Merton Member

    39- I had extremely intense PMO dreams last night. When I woke up at the end, I was surprised that I did not PMO. However these days I am feeling somewhat distant from PMO, so although I was quite triggered, I guess it makes sense that I did not run to PMO.

    Overall things are good. I found out that I will probably need glasses somewhat soon. I am wondering whether I have some eye strain but don't really realize it.

    As I mentioned yesterday, I got triggered by a person I saw at work. It is good that it did not immediately make me want to PMO or look at porn. I just kept thinking things like "how can she look like that?" And it made me feel bad, as though I were missing out on something. In other words, I will never have that. But what would "having" really mean? It is a fantasy and it is tied up with the story in my mind that (a) I am different from everyone else, in some bad way and (b) no such people could ever want to be around me due to strangeness or awkwardness. Of course this, in practice, is not true, but it is the story in my mind. Somehow seeing triggering people gives me these negative thoughts and feelings more than urges to PMO. The situation is a bit different at day 5, when such people do make me want to PMO.
    mikehunt likes this.
  2. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Very inspiring progress. Looking at women, yes, I found was ultimately destructive. Can relate to the lack of "having" what you want. Seeing a scantily clad woman, wanting to possess her presence... So close, yet so far. Leads to desire/fantasy/frustration, which triggered at least two relapses in the past.

    The possessive instinct makes sense in the small tribes in which we evolved. In that context, you might have a decent chance. In the modern world of a billion people? It's completely irrational. Pining over some random woman you see on the street/office/gym is just pure self-destruction, as there is little chance of ever having her.

    Not to mention the status-lowering effects it has within the status hierarchy, which seems related to the story in your mind. By giving her attention, you are feeding her ego. You are telling her that she has power over you, which reduces your power over her. She becomes dominant in the status hierarchy. Whereas if you refuse to give her attention, you are covertly telling her: "you are not even worth a glance". Very satisfying. Especially when you know she wants it. "Nope, not gonna happen". Refuse to feed her ego and walk away feeling dominant.
  3. Merton

    Merton Member

    40- Well the last time I made it to 40 days was last spring. I have been feeling pretty good. I am getting headaches a lot, so this is making me think even more that I should try glasses.

    I had extremely strong PMO dreams last night. I woke up so disturbed. I am not sure if I thought I had PMOed. I went to the bathroom and accidentally pissed all over the floor. It was ridiculous. I think I was nearly asleep and could not judge very well. I don't think this has happened to me in many years.

    I read over some of my earlier entries from this journal and realized that I have not employed the counting tactic in several days. When I get very triggered during the night, I need to start counting backward from 100. This usually helps, and when I wake up in the morning I feel like a new man.

    This triggering person I saw a couple of days ago somehow appeared directly next to me in the gym this morning and I was quite flustered. I became aware of all my movements, but, as @mikehunt suggested above, I tried very hard not to give her any attention. Somehow the way our workouts progressed, she was often very close to me, but I tried to turn the other way while resting (between sets) and forget that she was there. I think this may have worked to some degree because, now that I think of it, I have not thought much of her for the rest of the day.

    My wife and I had some fights on the phone today about traveling. It was extremely unpleasant, but I think things have died down. I have been listening to the music by Prokofiev for the ballet Romeo and Juliet today. It is incredible, especially the last 40 minutes.

    @mikehunt thanks very much for the support and the suggestions! It is a very interesting idea that this possesion instinct is deeply rooted in us. I think it makes sense. This girl was working out with some guy and I kept (without even trying to) thinking things like "that guy looks like a tool." Not good! This died down when I tried to pay less attention, and just get on with my workout. You are totally right about the status effects. These people make me feel like I do not have a right to my space. But if you just act as though you belong and have every righto to do what you are doing, it becomes normal. Most of this nonsense is in my head only.
    Antonius and occams_razor like this.
  4. Merton

    Merton Member

    41- Not much time tonight, but I am still doing well. Fewer PMO dreams last night and I feel pretty good.
    Antonius likes this.
  5. Antonius

    Antonius New Member

    40 days! That’s great!
    Merton likes this.
  6. Merton

    Merton Member

    44- wow I am surprised that I did not post in a couple of days. I have posted on some other journals though. Things go well. The PMO dreams seem to come in waves. Last night there were normal dreams and then the night ended in PMO dreams. I think one reason for the dreams is that I have not had sex in a month or so.

    I have been pretty good at distracting myself if I get urges to fantasize. I have also been thinking a lot about other things instead of porn.

    My wife left today for a 2-day trip. I am alone with my daughter. I am not expecting any problems. At this point I am feeling pretty confident and do not actually want to PMO. It is almost the feeling I used to get when I first started dating someone in the past. I felt content just thinking about the person and did not want to “dirty” my mind by going for porn. I am sort of thinking of porn as so unnecessarily extreme. Of course I need to be very careful and continue to read recovery materials etc.

    Gilgamesh, occams_razor and Antonius like this.
  7. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Doing great man. Onward indeed!
    Merton likes this.
  8. Merton

    Merton Member

    45- I am halfway to 90. I had quite a difficult night last night, and the urge to fantasize or act out was there constantly. I think this is because I have become conditioned to be triggered when I am not supervised. I was eventually able to get to sleep, and things ended fine (no infractions).

    I do not have much time now but I will update more soon.

    @Antonius thanks for the support!

    @Gilgamesh it is good to see you! Thanks!
    occams_razor and Antonius like this.
  9. Merton

    Merton Member

    46- Halfway through last night, I thought that the PMO dreams had subsided. Unfortunately they came back in "full force" for the second half. The night was better than the previous one since I was not triggered by the absence of my wife. I am pretty sure in this dream I was actually PMOing. It somehow involved scrolling through pictures which were getting more and more inappropriate. This is not unlike many of my relapses, starting on some stupid news site and progressing eventually to tube sites.

    I think that sex with the wife will resume pretty soon. I am a little bit worried about this, as I always feel uncomfortable having sex. On the other hand, it is likely that PMO dreams will at least calm down afterward. Since we are trying to have a baby, there is an every day sex schedule for a while. This actually tires me out because of the anxiety involved. I am afraid of trying to improve things, so I get stressed out.

    I am now reading a food binging book and it is pretty interesting. It is hard for me to imagine being addicted to binging on food. It seems like it would be quite bad since, well, you have to eat.

    I do not seem to have had any infractions in the last day, so I cannot analyze them. I will try to stay on the straight and narrow until tomorrow.
    Antonius likes this.

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