Merton's reboot log

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Merton, Oct 30, 2018.

  1. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    39- I had extremely intense PMO dreams last night. When I woke up at the end, I was surprised that I did not PMO. However these days I am feeling somewhat distant from PMO, so although I was quite triggered, I guess it makes sense that I did not run to PMO.

    Overall things are good. I found out that I will probably need glasses somewhat soon. I am wondering whether I have some eye strain but don't really realize it.

    As I mentioned yesterday, I got triggered by a person I saw at work. It is good that it did not immediately make me want to PMO or look at porn. I just kept thinking things like "how can she look like that?" And it made me feel bad, as though I were missing out on something. In other words, I will never have that. But what would "having" really mean? It is a fantasy and it is tied up with the story in my mind that (a) I am different from everyone else, in some bad way and (b) no such people could ever want to be around me due to strangeness or awkwardness. Of course this, in practice, is not true, but it is the story in my mind. Somehow seeing triggering people gives me these negative thoughts and feelings more than urges to PMO. The situation is a bit different at day 5, when such people do make me want to PMO.
     
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  2. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    40- Well the last time I made it to 40 days was last spring. I have been feeling pretty good. I am getting headaches a lot, so this is making me think even more that I should try glasses.

    I had extremely strong PMO dreams last night. I woke up so disturbed. I am not sure if I thought I had PMOed. I went to the bathroom and accidentally pissed all over the floor. It was ridiculous. I think I was nearly asleep and could not judge very well. I don't think this has happened to me in many years.

    I read over some of my earlier entries from this journal and realized that I have not employed the counting tactic in several days. When I get very triggered during the night, I need to start counting backward from 100. This usually helps, and when I wake up in the morning I feel like a new man.

    This triggering person I saw a couple of days ago somehow appeared directly next to me in the gym this morning and I was quite flustered. I became aware of all my movements, but, as @mikehunt suggested above, I tried very hard not to give her any attention. Somehow the way our workouts progressed, she was often very close to me, but I tried to turn the other way while resting (between sets) and forget that she was there. I think this may have worked to some degree because, now that I think of it, I have not thought much of her for the rest of the day.

    My wife and I had some fights on the phone today about traveling. It was extremely unpleasant, but I think things have died down. I have been listening to the music by Prokofiev for the ballet Romeo and Juliet today. It is incredible, especially the last 40 minutes.

    @mikehunt thanks very much for the support and the suggestions! It is a very interesting idea that this possesion instinct is deeply rooted in us. I think it makes sense. This girl was working out with some guy and I kept (without even trying to) thinking things like "that guy looks like a tool." Not good! This died down when I tried to pay less attention, and just get on with my workout. You are totally right about the status effects. These people make me feel like I do not have a right to my space. But if you just act as though you belong and have every righto to do what you are doing, it becomes normal. Most of this nonsense is in my head only.
     
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  3. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    41- Not much time tonight, but I am still doing well. Fewer PMO dreams last night and I feel pretty good.
     
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  4. Antonius

    Antonius Member

    40 days! That’s great!
     
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  5. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    44- wow I am surprised that I did not post in a couple of days. I have posted on some other journals though. Things go well. The PMO dreams seem to come in waves. Last night there were normal dreams and then the night ended in PMO dreams. I think one reason for the dreams is that I have not had sex in a month or so.

    I have been pretty good at distracting myself if I get urges to fantasize. I have also been thinking a lot about other things instead of porn.

    My wife left today for a 2-day trip. I am alone with my daughter. I am not expecting any problems. At this point I am feeling pretty confident and do not actually want to PMO. It is almost the feeling I used to get when I first started dating someone in the past. I felt content just thinking about the person and did not want to “dirty” my mind by going for porn. I am sort of thinking of porn as so unnecessarily extreme. Of course I need to be very careful and continue to read recovery materials etc.

    Onward!
     
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  6. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Doing great man. Onward indeed!
     
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  7. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    45- I am halfway to 90. I had quite a difficult night last night, and the urge to fantasize or act out was there constantly. I think this is because I have become conditioned to be triggered when I am not supervised. I was eventually able to get to sleep, and things ended fine (no infractions).

    I do not have much time now but I will update more soon.

    @Antonius thanks for the support!

    @Gilgamesh it is good to see you! Thanks!
     
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  8. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    46- Halfway through last night, I thought that the PMO dreams had subsided. Unfortunately they came back in "full force" for the second half. The night was better than the previous one since I was not triggered by the absence of my wife. I am pretty sure in this dream I was actually PMOing. It somehow involved scrolling through pictures which were getting more and more inappropriate. This is not unlike many of my relapses, starting on some stupid news site and progressing eventually to tube sites.

    I think that sex with the wife will resume pretty soon. I am a little bit worried about this, as I always feel uncomfortable having sex. On the other hand, it is likely that PMO dreams will at least calm down afterward. Since we are trying to have a baby, there is an every day sex schedule for a while. This actually tires me out because of the anxiety involved. I am afraid of trying to improve things, so I get stressed out.

    I am now reading a food binging book and it is pretty interesting. It is hard for me to imagine being addicted to binging on food. It seems like it would be quite bad since, well, you have to eat.

    I do not seem to have had any infractions in the last day, so I cannot analyze them. I will try to stay on the straight and narrow until tomorrow.
     
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  9. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    47- PMO continues to go well. My longest streak in recent memory (last spring) was something like 58, so I am looking forward to overtaking that one soon. I do not have any travel until March (although it is likely that some travel will pop up after the shutdown ends), so I feel relatively safe.

    Last night I am almost certain that there were PMO dreams. I was also unhappy when I went to sleep. My wife was looking at pictures of my daughter when she was younger, and this made me quite sad. I feel sort of like my life is slipping away from me. I am not sure how to put it apart from that. I also got a strong "missing out" feeling, that all the good sex times are in the past, they went by without me noticing because of porn, and there is no way to recover them. I know this is not exactly true, but I feel such strong inertia to continue to be closed off to intimacy. My wife started rubbing my leg or something last night, and my instinct was to push her hand away instead of to welcome it. I did unfortunately pick her hand up and put it elsewhere. She was not happy about this. I do not know why I am so uncomfortable about this, and I don't know if it will change. I need to force myself to accept this sort of advance and go ahead with it, instead of recoiling in panic.

    Well since I have some moderate distance from PMO, I guess this is when these issues come to the forefront. I have conditioned myself to stare at flesh and extreme sex acts, and the thought of a real person touching me is so foreign and not sexual (in my head which thinks sex is voyeurism) that I get uncomfortable. I wonder also how much of this has to do with the fact that I often view my wife as unaffectionate.

    Anyway I have pledged to spend more time in the same room as my wife when we are home. Often I wander around the house, do chores, listen to music, etc., while she does things in the bedroom. I should park myself in the bedroom so that we can talk more.
     
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  10. Antonius

    Antonius Member

    Why is your wife in the bedroom while you’re out busting you ass doing housework, bro? In my house, my woman knows she’d best have a good reason to not be in the kitchen, or it’s Irish kisses time. And when she’s done whipping up my dinner, if it’s not up to snuff it goes first in her face and then against the wall. Other times, just to keep her on her toes, I’ll take a single bite of whatever gruel she’s cooked, and as she’s watching along in anticipation, I meet her stupid, doe-eyed look of naivety with a blank stare of expressionless death. I then stand up, and without a word, leave the table, Putin-style.

    On a more serious note, it sounds like you’re attentive to the issues at hand and are going about handling it well. 47 days is an awesome streak!
     
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  11. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    48.1- Just jumping on here quickly because I saw a quite triggering person outside at work. I had a strong impulse to change the direction I was walking to go in their direction (i.e., follow them for a bit). I am glad that I did not do this. Afterward, I also had an urge to look on the internet for similar-looking women. At this point I am used to not using the computer improperly, so I have not had any problem. However I need to stay vigilant and get to work. More later.
     
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  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    Hi Merton, nice job in recognizing the trigger and consciously choosing to disengage from it!
     
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  13. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    48.2- I completely forgot to update and now I have to very briefly before I leave work to go to a dinner. Things went well today, and I got through the trigger from earlier. Even if I think about it now, I do not get the same rush of dopamine, so this is a good thing.

    I was reading through my old log that contained my 370-day streak. It is amazing how often I report PMO dreams. I am currently (in reading) up to day 140 and PMO dreams feature probably every 3 days. I guess my reason to mention this is to remind myself that PMO dreams will go on for a long long time (possibly indefinitely), but that it is not something to worry about. Just get up and start your day.

    @Antonius thanks for the comments! I should indeed live more like you described and force my wife to comply with all of my demands. In serious news, thanks for the encouragement!

    @Thelongwayhome27 thanks for the support! I am feeling better now, and happy that I did not go down the bad road.
     
  14. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    49- The struggle continues and I appear to have made it to 7 weeks. No real urges or triggers in the last day.

    I do not think I had pmo dreams last night (for once). Instead I had a strange dream about getting an eye operation. Although the doctors claimed that I would only get my ears checked, they placed some dome shaped glasses on me and I went temporarily blind. Then various doctors and other people were moving around me quickly. I got the impression that they were operating on my eyes, but that somehow the operation was already over.
     
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  15. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    50- I decided to get rid of the counter for a while. Things are going well, and I am trying to work a little while today. I have had strong feelings of having "missed out." In other words, that I did not have sufficiently many sexual adventures when I was younger. I think this is a main motivation for my pmo problems.

    Maybe I will reinstate the counter later on. It will be easy to determine which day I am on.

    Currently reading never binge again, and it is quite interesting.
     
  16. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    All continues to go well today. A catalogue came in the mail earlier. I remember on a long streak thinking about intercepting a catalogue in the mail. Although this happened today I was not so tempted to look. It was a positive step.

    Dreams last night were good I think. Spent some good time with the daughter as well.
     
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  17. Merton

    Merton Active Member

    I think I am in the middle of week 8.

    Last night my wife and I watched a show that had some triggers in it. She has complained that she does not like our usual show as much anymore so I suggested this one, which we used to watch all the time (before I started trying to abstain). I got a little bit excited knowing that there may be triggers. They were mild, but still they made me have a much more rough night, accompanied with sexual dreams.

    Anyway upon waking I have been counting to stay unaroused. I feel like I am getting back to normal.
     
  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    Shows like Game of Thrones can be tough to handle ! Well since you were watching the show with your wife that's a positive perhaps. And sounds like you dealt with it all right.
     
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  19. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    These triggers that seem out of our control are so annoying. I was surfing the front page on reddit yesterday that had that picture of Liv Tyler in some purple lingerie. Spent a good 3 or 4 seconds on it and moved on. She looked great though!! :D

    Anyway, i think things like that are supposed to be how we encounter sexual stimuli. A little jolt from time to time, just like how you might see a very pretty girl out at the grocery store or a girl in a bikini at the beach. Its pleasant on the eyes, but you don't binge into it. A short few seconds and you're all the better for it. This is how its been for guys for hundreds of years before we were able to command our dopamine at will. Porn just amplifies everything and destroys your brain in the process. Moderation is the key, but then again if we knew what moderation was, we wouldn't be here.
     
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  20. Antonius

    Antonius Member

    I like how the first sentence, set by itself with a sense of having lost time, sounds like you’re adrift at sea and writing in a journal in anticipation of your eventual death. I expected the next sentence to be, “We had to throw Ed overboard as his wounds had become gangrenous.
     
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