Merton's reboot log

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Merton, Oct 30, 2018.

  1. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    You're doing so well man. I had the same thing this morning you described, the flashback scenes and starting to advance them in your mind. As soon as I started doing this my heart began to race. It was like I was relapsing all over again! Rather than give in to those urges and make it an hours long affair, I jumped out of bed and started working again on a song I've been writing. Holding steady at day 12.

    Good luck today, with all that driving. Dont let that stress carry over into the night where you mind entertain resetting back to zero. I do that inner monologue a lot where I tell myself "was it really hard to get this far? It's only 2 weeks, you know you can get back there again-" You're correct, it's all lies. The inner struggle of the mind is one of the hardest ive fought, but seeing all of these journals tells us were making the right decision by choosing the high road (no pun intended :D). Stay the course!
     
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  2. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    24- I am in the third day of travels. There was an overwhelming urge to MO last night and I was within inches of it. Fortunately in the end I did not go through with it. I had the pants down, etc but then started counting. I think there are a couple of reasons I got myself into that situation. (Thankfully I had already put away the computer and the phone in a drawer, so it could not go down the PMO route.)

    1. My wife and I were not on the greatest terms. This makes me feel very alone.

    2. I am afraid of flying so I take a pill when I fly. There was pretty bad turbulence yesterday and the pull did not seem to help so much anyway. But I was not in my normal mind.

    3. I have grown to be triggered by traveling.

    My brain was telling me things like “you can just touch a little (to get an erection for example) and then back off,” and “just go through with it and you will feel better / relieve the tension.” These are lies. Of course if I get myself aroused then it will be ten times harder to avoid porn or some MO binge session! And of course it will feel good and relieve tension but (a) it does not actually solve my problems and (b) it simply leads to more compulsive behavior.

    Today the plan is to read recovery materials any chance I get. Let’s shoot for a better night! I am only 6 days away from 30 at this point.

    @Intothewild89 thanks so much for the comments. This is truly the great part of being in such a community, that I get to hear that what I am experiencing is not particular to me. This reinforces the idea that we are under the control of some disease (for lack of a better word). Fortunately I did not have the rampant porn scenes in my head that normally accompany triggering situations last night. Great work on getting up to 12! I have found that I feel so much better at day 5 and then have another turning point around 14. Three weeks is when things really get challenging for me (not sure if that is only due to frequent travel). Thanks for the support man. We will make it!
     
  3. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    These moments in which you feel emotionally overwhelmed and when you're close to making a bad decision, but able to resist and make a choice based on your values are recovery in action. This is how you train your reboot muscles and this is how you learn to make mature choices. I will keep this in mind next time I feel I need to medicate. Hope you're feeling better now.
     
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  4. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    26- made it through travels without pmo. It is a miracle. I’ll post more tomorrow.
     
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  5. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I am very happy about that. Look forward to hear about your experiences. Not sure if the same for you, but coming back from travels, or other activities that scare or excite me, is also a risky moment for me. Stay strong!
     
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  6. Joshua Shea

    Joshua Shea Active Member

    @Merton You can't think it's a miracle. It's all you, and it's proof you can do this. I remember in my early days having to white-knuckle through a few tough times and when I'd get to the other side I'd feel like it was a miracle I didn't cave in...or die trying to fight it. Good on you.
     
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  7. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    28- I am coming up on 30 days. The will be the first time I have made it to 30 days since last spring, when I think I made it to 59 or something. Traveling went well. I kept my devices in drawers while sleeping. I also occupied myself a lot with the book "Starting Strength" by Rippetoe, and it got me excited about strength training. I find that when I am excited about something else, PMO usually falls into the background. I have also been trying to be more communicative with my wife, and we are getting along better. I am hoping that as time goes on, I can start to become more comfortable being intimate with her. As I progress, this is where the therapist will hopefully help.

    @Gilgamesh thanks for all the continued support! I have had this same experience, that after travels I can be susceptible to a PMO session. It did not happen this time, fortunately.

    @Joshua Shea yes this is a good point. I think when I wrote "it is a miracle,'' I was just expressing that I am happy. You are right that I have done the work, so I am having a better life. It is quite good. Thanks so much for the support!
     
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  8. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    30- I have made it to 30 days. This is the first time since last spring. I feel this time like it is different. I do not have the constant desire to PMO. I have porn or sex dreams but am not so disturbed by them. I am not completely sure why this is. One factor is that I have been getting interested in other things, like working out and music. Another is that I am trying to stay connected to recovery every day.

    I would like to make a Mark Queppet style journal entry but there were no violations in the last day. I have found myself looking at random women, especially in the gym. At one point I may have been more harsh on myself about this, but it is much better than porn, and it has not led to porn thoughts. I have also strangely been much less tempted to really ogle them as I would have been in the past.

    All goes well for now. The next mini goal will be 45 days. That will be after my upcoming travels, which I will do by myself. My therapist recommended to go to a 12-step meeting while traveling. I might do this. I will also meet with my friend who is in recovery. He is the only person I’ve talked to in person who has similar problems.
     
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  9. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Wow man. That sounds all really good and solid. Congrats on the 30 days!
     
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  10. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    32- things continue to go pretty well. Last night there were more sex dreams. I am not sure if they were strictly PMO. I would say that I do not wake up so much in a state of temptation, but more discomfort. A couple of sleeping positions are helping out.

    I was upset today about the fact that my wife is so unaffectionate. I am wondering if this is one of the underlying reasons why I have such a hard time with sex. Maybe I think of her deep down as someone I cannot be uninhibited around because she always has a mask on. This is something for me to think more about as time goes on.

    I was worried tonight that a friend was going to send me a picture of N old classmate who was posting somewhat skimpy pictures online. I made a reference to her behavior not really realizing that if she has continued to do so after I left social media, then he might send one over. When I realized this may be a possibility, I got worried and triggered. I tried to simply focus on other things for a while and this seemed to do the trick.

    This is one main thing I have noticed at 32 days which differs greatly from the situation at, say, 5 days. I am much more able to change my focus and move to something else. In other words I feel less fragile or unstable. It is certainly a welcome feeling after so much struggle this past year.

    @Gilgamesh thanks so much for the support!
     
  11. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    @Merton do you think there is a distinguishable difference between 14 days and 30? Ive never gotten past 24 days in over 10 years, but when i did hit 23 it was like i entered another down anxiety period. 10 days is where i get confidence back, and 14 it where im practically back to normal, but that 23rd day last year showed me there may be ups and downs i wasnt previously aware of (although i know sex resets this as well for a bit, and i might have done that back then around 23 days but i cant really remember.)

    I also feel like my wife is unaffectionate at times but i have to remind myself shes on meds that kill her libido. I always tell myself that after having so many years of pmo, ive had more than my fill of sexual activity and really need this time off for my own good. Keep it up bro! 32 days is recovery in action.
     
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  12. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I have had periods in which I found my wife unaffecionate, but the last year or so this is really different. I don't know if it was that I was not affectionate with her in the first place (with my mind on porn, and infrequent sex), or that it was just my perception, or that it really came from herself. Maybe a combination of all. What I do feel is that since I am largely without porn or masturbation things are way better. Our interaction is more polar, more masculine versus feminine than 'friends-like'. Also I am less affected by her mood in general, which I think has a positive influence on the relationship as well as (sorry to say) women can be a bit manipulative with emotions. When they feel their behaviour doesn't get them what they want, they will give up. I guess it is in the feminine to do that.
     
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  13. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    34- things continue to go smoothly. I have been on break for the last couple of weeks and have been updating less. I typically update at the end of the work day, but since I am not at work I have been making a short update after putting my daughter to bed.

    No serious problems. A couple of nights ago I have some temptations to fantasize about old porn scenes before going to bed. When I realized it was starting to happen, I counted backwards from 100 and the urge left.

    @Intothewild89 thanks for the support! My wife is also on medication. She is actually extremely sexually vulgar, but not affectionate. It really bothers me usually. Of course most guys would probably jump at the chance of having a wife who says all this crazy stuff, but I think she mostly does it to make me uncomfortable. I wish that she would just come in and hug me or something, but that is rare. She is also on medication, and this has made her sex drive lower. Although I say that she says all this crazy stuff she does not actually want to have sex so much. Maybe the meds.

    Also in response to your question about days, I am starting to feel more like I remember feeling when I went a year without porn. (It was actually all meticulously documented on another site, but I have left that one.) Basically what I have noticed is that between 0 and 2 days is a total nightmare for me, and I feel like it is impossible to deal with my urges. I constantly relapse and when I get a thought to use porn, I go over it in my head until I get a chemical release and go for a PMO. After some number of cycles of this, I manage to get out of it and make it to 5 days. At this point I feel pretty free and do not think about porn much. That is more or less how I feel now. Between 5 and 370 days (my longest), things go up and down. I forget about porn for a couple of weeks and then I get triggered and have a critical moment. If I can manage to get through it without using and get back to the calm, then I get a couple of more weeks without being very tempted. As times go on, these tempting times get less and less tempting. Eventually, it is not very hard to say no, even during the tempting times, and you can stay afloat essentially forever, as long as you stay on the program and are careful about what you see and do.

    Where I am right now is in one of these calm periods. The last difficulty I had was during traveling on day 23 or so, when I almost did an MO. Since I made it through that, I have gotten a little stronger and hopefully will do well when I am tested again.

    Sorry for the long answer! It has been so long since I have felt this relative stability, so it is good for me to reflect on it.

    @Gilgamesh this is an interesting observation about your interactions with your wife. I will be on the lookout to see if our dynamic changes (or becomes more polar as you mentioned).
     
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  14. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    36- quick update tonight as there is no time. All continues to go well although the sex and PMO dreams continue.
     
  15. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    36- quick update tonight as there is no time. All continues to go well although the sex and PMO dreams continue.
     
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  16. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    37- we went on a long drive today. I also had a good work out. Things are generally going well. I will be back to work tomorrow so hopefully will post more consistently.

    Also I keep getting very strange errors when posting. They look like programming errors.
     
  17. occams_razor

    occams_razor Active Member

    I've been getting them as well. Let's see if it happens this time...
     
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  18. occams_razor

    occams_razor Active Member

    It didn't happen!
     
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  19. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Ive been getting errors too all week, must be the site. Man youve got a great streak going. Has brain fog lessened? Been dealing with a lot of fog lately and lack of concentration. Youre an inspiration for me man, like reading your journal here. Been having those pmo dreams as well, a certain scene ive been fixated on for the past two months, its killing me. Great work on over a month!
     
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  20. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    38- I went for a walk at work to get an apple, and on the way back I saw some person from the gym. This was triggering to me. It is strange how only certain people will trigger me, and then I have a very hard time getting them out of my head. I used to called this the "crush" phenomenon. I would say that I have crushes on these people, but I have never even talked to them. It is somehow not only physical, but has a lot to do wtih how they behave. I think I have a very hard time with social anxiety and being comfortable around others. Maybe I think that others are going to make fun of everything I do. For this reason, I come to think of myself as some kind of alien walking around with tons of attention on him. This makes me worried about making any sudden movements or saying anything. There are only a few times when I feel free from these things: when I am alone, when I am with friends, when I'm with my family or wife (most of the time). It is hard to put into words.

    Anyway these people who I normally fixate on do not seem to have this anxiety, and behave as though they are totally comfortable with themselves. I am not sure why this is so attractive to me. On the other hand there are people who are attracted to nutcases like me.

    This anxiety is something I really struggle with, and it is much worse since getting off of medication a few years ago. Maybe PMO gives me the illusion that I am interacting with attractive women, etc., without having to be worried about how I look. It is certainly not even close to real interaction, and quite sad. But I am happy to be coming up on a month and a half without it.

    @occams_razor several times this week I have tried to post something from my phone and got some error. Now things seem to be better. Congrats on the 35 days man!!

    @Intothewild89 thanks for the message! Brain fog has indeed lessened. I think I get fog for the first few days after a PMO. Maybe it is related to all the chemicals. Thanks also for the strong support! It has really helped. I have also had this experience of fixating on certain scenes. Fortunately they seem to go away (for the most part) if you do not act on them for a while. At this point I am not thinking about porn every day, but maybe every couple of days. I have not had a serious urge to view porn in a while, maybe a week or more. Since things are more under control, but underlying issues come more to the front and I can think about them more. Generally I think my main problems are:

    1. Social anxiety
    2. Lack of intimacy with wife
    3. Feeling the need to please everyone

    I read in this no more mr nice guy book that @Gilgamesh mentioned that 3 is really a common problem. Since reading parts of that book I have been much more aware of how I change what I do/say in various situations to make sure that I am not making people upset. For some reason I really dread making people mad at me. Anyway all these things are interrelated, and I guess these are the days to start thinking a little more about them.
     

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