Day 2: I have gotten a bit behind on the journal since I was quite busy again today. However I’ll be pretty free tomorrow and can make a better entry and respond to the comments. I’ll just say for now that I was quite motivated by the SMART recovery video. It seems to combine some of my favorite and most successful practical methods with the deeper life changing methods that are also very necessary. I’ll try to link to the video tomorrow. ... Actually there’s a little more time now so I’ll write some more. @JD1981 thanks for the support man! I will definitely write some about SMART. @Intothewild89 i cannot agree with you enough on all that you wrote. I have actually come to realize that my obsessive attention to blockers is a strong indication of negative progress. In other words once I start to get overly concerned with blocking I can tell that I am heading into the pit if I don’t change course. I am sure you have the same thoughts as me. I’ll just illustrate a little of my thinking over the week around the time I relapsed, and you can see the strong confusion. I was very worried because my current screen time settings involve turning off everything on the phon from 10 pm to 630 am. I have actually tried pretty hard, but without factory resetting my phone, it seems to be impossible to access the internet through what is left (wallet, find my phone, messages) without them opening safari. But safari is blocked by screen time. This is good for those hours. However when the phone is not blocked (other hours), if I only have limit adult sites on, then I can access porn through various Russian websites. This is bad. So I installed covenant eyes, which puts in a vpn. This blocks a ridiculously large number of sites. However I unfortunately found that if I set my CE settings in a particular way, I can find porn through safari. This prompts me to disallow safari. However if you do this, then back at night time, when you access safari through wallet, it is no longer blocked. This means I need to keep safari. But then CE is pointless unless I change the password and give it to my wife. Then unfortunately you can request a password reset. To avoid this, as you have written in the past, I need to create a separate gmail account and have the password sent there. This account needs to be password protected as well so I either give this to my wife or send it into the future (30 days) through futureme.org. Anyway my point here is that this long stream of basically chess moves seems to happen in my brain without me even realizing it is so extreme! This is what I mean by confusion. And don’t get me started on the computer blocking situation (as I know you know about). Once I notice myself thinking these things and becoming overly stressed, it is a huge red flag that something is wrong. I am only addressing the practical issues instead of deeper issues. One nice thing about SMART recovery is that it seems to address all the aspects of recovery that seem essential: practical matters, thinking patterns, and underlying emotional issues. I feel that in the past couple of years I have never addressed all of them at the same time. Lately in particular I have not addressed thinking patterns. Anyway I’ll post more tomorrow! @Bezoechow thanks for the comments! You’re right about MO. I think it is a tricky business for some of us. I actually felt much better after doing it. I have not completely ruled it out but for the moment will try to go without it. @NewStart19 thanks man! This is a great part of the forum that we can learn so much and have some (virtual) connection. I think the CBT stuff is very important for people who are obsessive and I have not been implementing it enough. I am very hopeful for the future though.