Day 21: I am astounded that I did not relapse last night. I was on the verge. I will write what happened here in an effort to let it out and "check it in," as they say. I was sleeping and, as these things usually happen, I woke up at 2 am. Then I got this idea not to touch, but to do some kind of muscle contraction maneuver. I will not go into great detail here, but it was completely stupid. I found that this aroused me, as I suspected. I got more and more aroused, and then at some point my dog started flipping his water dish. I got up to get him more water and, lo and behold!, my phone was right by the ewater dish. So I picked it up and started checking to see if there is a way to access the internet. This is one of those activities that my brain convinces me is not so bad to do. "I will just see if I can get online. I will not look at anything." This also is so completely stupid, and the reason why I have placed this behavior in the "middle circle." Anyway after a minute or so I came to my senses (or rather decided what I was doing was not good), and I went back to bed. For the next 30 minutes or so I struggled to get to sleep and not be aroused. I kept telling myself "you have engaged in the middle circle, but you did not get to the inner circle, so you can reverse the train!" It is so difficult to get rid of that voice that says that if you have done anything bad, you might as well binge. Well I kept thinking about this, and also a few other things. I said the "serenity prayer" several times (although I do not actually believe in god, this was helpful), and I was trying to remember the fact that if I do actually act out, I will need to enact my consequence. Anyway I did not view anything bad, but I am feeling extremely shaky today. I need to understand what feelings brought me to behave this way in the middle of the night. I will also binge listen to porn free radio today. I feel a little better getting this out and being honest about it.