Merton's reboot log

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Merton, Oct 30, 2018.

  1. Quanta

    Quanta Member

    Congrats, keep going! That movie is good. I hate movies. They are just another addiction that makes you feel like you are living the life of a rock star, while in truth you continue to be a couch potato. Same as with booze, they're an escape from having to live your life. Having to deal with fear and failure, and being able to grow from it.
    Merton likes this.
  2. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Just a cruz through @Merton and saying hi... You're truly on a roller coaster with your quit. I totally get it, although I'm more of an all or nothing kinda guy... I could not deal with the constant fight within myself to try and stay clean... I admire you for continuing to post and hopefully you are learning about yourself as you go...

    There are numerous ways to quit an addiction. And waaayyy more 'opinions'... The industry is probably worth billions... 12 step works for some, but I personally can't accept the 'powerless over' - (insert addiction)... And I don't have much of a belief in a higher-power... I do believe in me though. I believe I can beat my porn addiction... BTW at 62 I've had a lot of practice perfecting pmo:rolleyes:...

    Time to get off the roller coaster dude. Join me in 'accepting' that porn is adding absolutely no value in our lives... Once you truly accept, it makes the war much easier to win... And we win the war? - one day at a time...

    If you're ever out and about, looking for more to read - peak in the old folks thread... Kill the beast now... Because you really don't want to 'age-up'...
    Quanta and Merton like this.
  3. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 12: things are continuing to go well without strong urges. I am checking in with group people and posting here, trying to also listen I porn free radio each day.

    @Living thanks for the support!

    @Quanta i kind of know what you mean about movies. For some reason I feel less bad than others seem to about wasting my time watching movies or playing video games. I get the impression that many people are unhappy with how much time they spend doing these things but maybe I don’t feel this way so much. On the other hand I really agree with the idea that I shouldn’t just piss my life away being a couch potato. Also rocky was great! I was pretty surprised but I really got into the final fight.

    @TriGuy60 thanks for the message and for coming by! It is indeed quite a roller coaster. I have a strong belief that if I continue to work hard and stay in the fight I will succeed. But it is certainly tough. I am inspired by and tend to agree with your point of view that we are not helpless. This is also a part of 12 step I don’t seem to gel with so much. We are supposed to be totally powerless so that we can “give it up” to the higher power. The problem is that I don’t believe in a higher power and, if I am to believe that the group itself if my higher power or something, then I am a helpless man needing others like a child. I certainly think we all need connection, but relying on it and believing myself to be completely helpless is too strong. I feel the most hopeful and good when I realize that, although I need other people, I have a lot to offer myself. I don’t think it is purely white knuckling to rely on yourself for strength. I also like what you say about getting off the roller coaster. This is my current plan! I will check out the 40s section a bit more too. As you said I don’t want to be in my 70s still complaining about this junk. When I looked at my first porn in 5th grade I certainly did not expect it to be a lifelong slavery ...
    TrueSelf and JD1981 like this.
  4. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 13: Quick checkin tonight. All goes well ...
  5. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 15: I missed a check in yesterday because I have a visitor and I was busy with him all day. I managed to get some disciplines done right before bed. I am currently at the doctor trying again to fix my back. It is somewhat frustrating but I hope this visit will make a difference.

    Pmo has been good. I have not had any violations. I have still been listening to porn free radio each day. I missed my workout the last two days and might also today but will get back on the horse tomorrow for sure.

    Lately I have been (as I think I may have mentioned) trying to tell myself the truth after each time I have bad thoughts and feel bad. This has actually been quite helpful. For example, if my wife says something to me that I don’t like but she finds to be funny, I normally would think “she doesn’t care about what I want.” But now I would tell myself “she is only saying that because she thinks it is funny. She is not trying to make me feel bad.” This surprisingly has had a big positive effect on me and gives me the feeling that I have some control.
    TriGuy60, JD1981 and occams_razor like this.
  6. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Wow, way to go on 15 days bro!!!! That’s soo f-ing awesome!!! Yeah if I understand you right I used to do that too. I took everything so personal. It’s so nice to feel a little less on guard and a little more patient. Even if someone is trying to engage now I feel like I could shrug it off. I’m glad to hear your feeling some positive changes and can’t wait to hear about more. Good on you dude keep it rolling:)
    Merton likes this.
  7. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Missing a day or 2 not posting in your journal is no big deal. As long as you wake up each day and take pmo off the table as any type of option... And you 'are' in control... Only you:cool:
    Merton likes this.
  8. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Well done my friend. I haven't checked in here for most of the summer, but I see you're still fighting the good fight. Have to catch up on your log here. Good work on two weeks!! :D
    Merton likes this.
  9. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 16: I’m feeling pretty good today. Spent a lot of the day with my family and have started to notice being more attracted to my wife. This is a big plus. It probably helps that we are getting along. I have also not had serious urges, but when urges come by, I have gotten a lot of help by imagining the sheer number of times in my life that I have used porn or masturbated (it has got to be at least 8-10 thousand times) and asking myself “is another session really going to do anything good for me?”

    I am planning to watch some social anxiety videos that @Thelongwayhome27 has posted.

    @Intothewild89 it is great to see you back! This summer has been full of ups and downs but I’m currently on an up. I have been adding tools whenever I have relapsed so my program is better as well. I hope all goes well!

    @TriGuy60 thanks for coming by! This is a good point that missing a little journaling is ok as long as my head is in the right place. Fortunately I’ve had a good attitude and outlook lately, so I’m reaping the rewards: more energy, happiness, and stronger emotions.
  10. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Great point. I think it's easy to tell ourselves "this time it will be different". In reality it will play out exactly like the previous 8 thousand times.
    NewStart19 and Merton like this.
  11. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 17: continuing on. Again no serious urges and I have been trying to be consistent about good self talk. Today I somewhat accidentally cut someone off in tragic and they made some very upset gestures at me. It made me very flustered and get a sort of adrenaline rush. It was not pleasant and afterward my mind kept coming back to it in obsession. I told myself that this person does not know me and was just upset about what I did. Therefore it was not a personal attack and there is no reason to feel bad about myself. This surprisingly made me feel a lot better.

    @TrueSelf thanks for the support! I totally agree about this and it has helped me get through stronger urges these days.
    Thelongwayhome27 and TrueSelf like this.
  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Like many others I've had my share of road rage experiences. It's incredibly challenging not to take it personal when someone acts out in rage against us (in a car context or other ones). Well done in staying present with yourself (noticing your emotions and thoughts) rather then reacting in blind rage. I know that obsessive feeling of going back to an unpleasant "moment" afterwards. In the end I think you're totally correct it's nothing personal, even if it was an agressive gesture. And the guy overreacted most probably. Overwhelmed with his own problems in his own life.
  13. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 19: I realize today that I did not update yesterday. My daughter started school and my mom is visiting this week, so things are hectic. I feel a bit stressed out, only because I have had a hard time getting all my disciplines done and also getting work done. Maybe it is for this reason that I had strong urges today. I took a nap (since I am trying to get used to a new sleep schedule) and woke up. I had this idea to look on my phone for something exciting. My heart started beating quickly and I realized that I need to stop imagining the possibilities. I tried again to tell myself that I do not need yet another pmo session (of thousands). Gotta go for now since I’m at the doctor.
  14. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Hang in in there dude!! Just hearing this stresses me out. 19 days is awesome stay strong!
    Merton likes this.
  15. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Trust me: acting out isn't exciting.

    Recovery is exciting!

    But don't get too excited, try and keep a level head.
    Thelongwayhome27, Merton and TrueSelf like this.
  16. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 19b: things ended up going well. I messaged this guy in the group and followed an old suggestion of this another annoying group guy. It was a method called “bookending,” where you message someone every, say, 15 minutes while you are in a sticky situation. Once I got home from the doctor, I was home alone for a couple of hours. So I bookended this nonannoying guy and then went to the gym. Success!

    @occams_razor thanks for the advice! You are definitely right that acting out is not exciting. It is much better to feel happy and calm, and not incredibly sick and tired.

    @JD1981 thanks for the message and for the support! It was a dicey situation but I seem to have made it out. Keep going! You are doing great.

    @Thelongwayhome27 i have had problems in the past with road rage. It is really silly and actually a horrible idea, very dangerous. There have been times in the past when someone cut me off or something and I tailgated them for a while. I am actually ashamed of this. When this guy made gestures at me I realized that this is probably what I looked like in these earlier incidents.
  17. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Hell yeah! I’m glad you made it through. I’m sure it feels good making it through a day like today.
    Merton likes this.
  18. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Great to see you managed the situation and stayed strong! Bookending sounds like a good idea. Sometimes even annoying guys have some good things to say. :)

    I hope your daughter has some fun at school.
    Merton likes this.
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Very well said. Getting over excited about recovery is a good way to send one towards some more acting out.

    All of this is a fun labyrinth !! :)
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  20. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 20: Today went well. I guess it is a testament to the fact that if urges come, and you don't act out on them, then they will go away. It is pretty unbelievable but seems true.

    I went to the group today and it was actually quite good. I realized that ``higher power'' can simply mean that it does not appear to be enough to simply do what my brain tells me to do. In other words, although I have tried my hardest with what my brain says is good about recovery, it still does not seem to work. Therefore I need something more than just me.

    This seems to tie in well to what I listened to in porn free radio (episode 95) about motivation. Matt talks about external motivations, like the wife, the possibility of work finding out about porn use, and faith for religious people. He says that these are not enough to make us quit. The reason is that we currently have these external motivations and have not quit! This seems to make a lot of sense. Therefore we need internal motivation, which is related to the deeper reasons why we use porn. That is, I seem to have a deep desire to use porn that surfaces regardless of these external motivations. The only way to improve is to change this deep desire. I guess I am just arguing that, although in the past I thought I would quit porn by only using external motivation, it seems like the wrong way forward now.

    @JD1981 thanks for the support man! It is indeed great to make it through.

    @-Luke- thanks! My daughter did have a good time at school. Also I had never heard of this bookending idea, but it turned out to be quite useful.

    @Thelongwayhome27 this is a good point. It seems difficult to strike a balance between being obsessed with porn and obsessed with recovery from porn. Both of these put porn on the brain way too much.

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