Merton's reboot log

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Merton, Oct 30, 2018.

  1. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 30: I made it to day 30. It is good! I credit a lot of it to following porn free radio.

    Still traveling but I come home tomorrow. Also I will have managed to take a week long trip alone and not act out.
  2. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I'll definitely be checking out porn free radio at some point!
    Merton likes this.
  3. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 32: this is the first time since the winter that I have broken 30 days. Again I really have porn free radio to thank. I also slept 6 nights in a hotel by myself without acting out. Things are going well.

    @occams_razor indeed it is good!
    -Luke-, Living, Gil79 and 2 others like this.
  4. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Way to go. And also, do thank yourself, because in the end it is you that has done this!
    Merton likes this.
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Nicely done. Hopefully the radio will get you through this.
    Merton likes this.
  6. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 0: Unfortunately after writing yesterday about how well I was doing, I got triggered today by some messages I sent myself (ridiculous!) in order to relapse some time ago. I ended up acting out. Although this is not the sort of behavior I want to enact, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. The last streak was 23, then I had only one day of bad behavior, and this streak was 32. So I'm going to commit to continue to move upward. I will listen to a bunch of the radio today to get back on track.

    @Eternity and @Living thanks so much for the support! Back on the horse ...
    occams_razor likes this.
  7. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Thirty-two steps forward, one step back!

    Not bad!
  8. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    You were already on track, you just had a slip:) Be cautious about that, but also be aware that slips are just as much part of the track as streaks are.

    About the messages you sent to yourself: when I watch porn I often leave roadsigns for more porn out there too. When I decide to quit I try to clean them up, but there are always those that slip through. Sometimes because it's tricky to clean them up, sometimes because I forget and sometimes because there is still part of me that wants to get back to porn someday. It might be ridiculous, but it's what we do sometimes.
    Merton and SeekingWisdom like this.
  9. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    That's a really good way to look at it.

    This isn't a sprint. It isn't a marathon either. It's like the Ironman in Hawaii. You may have a flat tyre on the road, blisters on your feet, a sunburn or someone kicking you in your face while swimming. But that doesn't knock you off the course. In the end you'll be a winner.
    Merton and occams_razor like this.
  10. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 1: I am finally surfacing from porn festival. I have been trying for the last week or so (8-9 days) to get clean from porn but keep falling back into it. Once again I finally feel I am coming out of it. This time I have implemented a lot of new things, based on suggestions of porn free radio.

    1. I installed covenant eyes.
    2. I vowed that if I relapse again, I will set it up so my friend receives the accountability reports. I really do not want to do this (at all!) so this has really helped me climb out.
    3. If I go 30 days I get to go to a city wide attraction here.
    4. I joined a group. I think it is a 12 step group (first meeting this week) and, although I feel that I disagree with many of the things they will teach, I am looking to get face to face support. I have long put this off so we will see how it goes. I’ll try to report about it.
    5. I filled out the porn free for 2016 plan from porn free radio. This includes triggers, mistaken beliefs, weak links, consequences and rewards, and new disciplines. I vowed to spend 30 min per day playing with my daughter (every other day) and 30 min of piano practice every other day, 5 min of meditation, reviewing my plan, and journaling.

    Thanks so much for the comments guys. I will try to write back tomorrow.
    SeekingWisdom and occams_razor like this.
  11. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Sometimes it takes a while to get started again. Good to see the determination back.
    Merton likes this.
  12. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 2: I was thinking earlier about when I was young. Sometime I decided that because this neighbor girl was attractive, I should go an look in her window (possibly see her changing). I ended up going there but was scared and only looked briefly. This incident seems to really symbolize my poor thinking: there is no chance a girl would actually want to talk to me (or it would be too painful since I feel anxious), so I need to hide and stare instead.

    Things are going better. I went to this group yesterday. It was actually quite good. There was a lot of 12 step mumbo jumbo for part of the meeting. After that people talked a bit about their histories. This was quite interesting and inspiring. Everyone was very kind. It was strange to see how many people have sexual problems like affairs, prostitutes, etc., and do not use porn. I am completely the opposite of this, as real sex freaks me out. Anyway I am going to keep going each week and see how it develops. So far it gave me a lot of inspiration.

    @occams_razor , @Living , @-Luke- , and @Eternity thanks so much for all your support. In the past I have not often relapsed and then vanished. I have also wondered what such people are doing, and I always thought they were just swimming in porn night and day. In my case, I would get close to a day clean and then decide to dive back in, then feel horrible. Then I would swear it off after (possibly) multiple sessions, only to repeat a day later. I am not completely sure why I kept hiding from the forum. Once I decided to take concrete steps to get back on track (rather than just trying to block porn out of my mind or something), things started to get better.
    -Luke-, Thelongwayhome27 and TrueSelf like this.
  13. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 3: moving on and finally feeling better. I was really in a deep ditch and could not imagine even going two days.

    I have kept up my disciplines and this seems to help. Last night I practiced the piano. Tonight I will play with my daughter.

    I have been listening to Cherubinis Requirm. Before that I listened a lot to Ma Vlast by Smetana.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  14. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Good stuff, Merton!

    I'm on Day 3 as well!
    Merton likes this.
  15. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 4: keeping up with my disciplines and still listening to porn free radio. I found his plan (particularly the “consequence” I set up for myself) is really helping me.

    @occams_razor thanks for the support! We will scale this mountain side by side.
    -Luke- and occams_razor like this.
  16. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 5: still going strong. Had a pretty good day today and brought my daughter to the pool. I did have some pmo dreams but there was no acting out.
    TrueSelf likes this.
  17. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 6: things are going well and I’m still sticking with my routines. They seem to be helping. Now listening to Copland’s Appalachian Spring.

    No real issues today. I have been upset lately about my stupid back. I am worried it will never get better. This is supposed to be a triggering situation and I am supposed to calm myself with natural means, not porn.
  18. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 7: I am back up to a week. I decided I need to have sex at least once a week with my wife. This is an arbitrary rule. Also it sounds a bit like other people who would say “if I don’t get sex once a week I will explode.” In my case I do not want to have sex at all. In order to eventually want to have sex and to have intimacy I think I probably need to work at it. In other words, at least attempt to rewire.

    All goes well today.
    Living likes this.
  19. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I'm curious if there are any women in the group or it is just men? I think I would find it triggering to hear women talk about sexual things. Although maybe given the context (the people are just there to get help) and group setting this would not be an issue. Were there any people who "just" had problems with porn and did not act out in other ways?

    Also great job going to the group. Something like that would be exceedingly stressful (I also get embarrassed/blush very easily) for me to take part in.
  20. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 8: things go well but the back still hurts. This seems to at least partially hurt my sleep also. Last night I slept relatively well.

    One of the things I did to try to ensure that I don’t relapse is to fill out the porn free radio “go porn free in 2016” sheet and review it every day. This includes writing one selfish reason for quitting porn. I wrote more energy, better sleep, stronger emotions.

    @TrueSelf there were no women there thankfully. I was quite nervous and talked very briefly about how I have a porn problem and I think it has caused me to have no interest in sex. I think only one other guy said that he acts out only using porn. There were several people who use prostitutes, have affairs, use massage parlors, and so on. I believe that I am not a sex addict (how could I be a sex addict when I don’t want to have sex) but rather a porn addict. Nonetheless, I felt like many of the things people talked about I could relate to. Furthermore the people were so supportive and willing to give me their numbers etc to check in. Although I was very skeptical, it ended up being a great experience. I do not necessarily believe a lot of the 12 step stuff that was mentioned (particularly religious stuff —- not that I think it is bad for people to be religious) but overall the group atmosphere was great. Highly recommended. I did hear though that some groups are better than others. There seemed to be many people with a lot of sobriety (6 months or more) so this was particularly inspiring. If I went to a group where people were relapsing all the time it might be bad.

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