Merton's reboot log

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Merton, Oct 30, 2018.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Usually that's what happens. But I don't think regaining sensitivity is to blame; to blame is the fact that I choose to peek instead of using it for something better. To stay in control when I finally defrost is one of the most difficult challenges that the reboot offers.
    Merton likes this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I didn't know your wife knew about it. But this is crazy. The therapist should have said that your wife should be proud that you're working on yourself. Assuming the therapist is a woman: what a bitch!:mad:

    Merton likes this.
  3. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 15: halfway to a month. My back is hurting today. I cannot see the doctor for several weeks due to our wonderful healthcare system.

    Pmo is going well. Not much else to say today. My therapist has started me on some CBT workbook. Hopefully it will help me.

    @Eternity i think what you wrote about peeking makes sense. This is always my downfall. The number of times I have convinced myself that I will have just one peek is borderline embarrassing.

    @Gilgamesh i completely agree with you about the therapist. What is wrong with her!? She wanted my wife to appreciate the seriousness of the situation. As usual she does not understand that PMO addiction is not the same as sex addiction and, as Gary Wilson says, it is more like an internet addiction.
  4. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 16: I have a headache today and more back pain. I did work out and it was pretty good. I am trying to get back into weights.

    Pmo is going well. I listened to another porn free radio podcast about “am I a porn addict”? In my case I think it is clear.
  5. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    The worst part about this is that we repeat the same mistake over and over. My problem is that I don't give it any thought; I just enter autopilot mode right away. If I just took a minute to consider the situation, I'm sure many mistakes could be avoided.

    I'm sorry to hear about the back. I hope it won't affect the reboot negatively.
    Merton likes this.
  6. forlorn

    forlorn Active Member

    I can relate to the peeking thing. Our brains use various cognitive distortions to justify and succumb to addictive behaviours and cravings, e.g.

    "one little peek won't hurt me" (minimisation)
    "I've been good for 2 weeks so I deserve this" (rationalisation)
    "I've got a headache and back pain therefore I'm going to act out to feel better" (entitlement)

    It's good to recognise these patterns of distorted thinking and attempt to replace them with a healthier, alternative thought.
    Intothewild89 and Merton like this.
  7. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 17: pretty good day today. Spent some time with a (I guess) friend and it was not bad. No serious pmo issues although there were the required sunbathers at the pool.

    Still listening to porn free radio and art of manliness. I started working on the CBT workbook and it is pretty interesting. Maybe I’ll update about it soon.

    @Eternity thanks for the support man! As you said it is ridiculous how we make the same mistakes time and time again. It is the amnesia. Also my back unfortunately is moderately badly injured. I think I can recover but it will be some time and probably several doctor visits. I am trying to be very careful and, in particular, lift pretty light.

    @forlorn these are some really spot on cognitive distortions. I seem to suffer from most of them. It sounds like your approach is similar to this CBT book I’m looking at. Congrats on the big streak!
  8. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I'm curious how the podcast defined being a porn addict. Was it something general or very specific. I'm interested because I have gone back and forth about if considering myself an "addict" is helpful or not.

    On the other site I was on I remember one women posted saying how if you were going to date someone that it was your duty that you must disclose that you are a porn addict. She said that specifically saying you are an addict was very important and informative in her opinion. Somehow I ended up getting drawn into the discussion and challenged her opinion. To me saying "I'm a porn addict" is not particularly informative. I guess I disagree that an "addict is an addict is an addict". It's been my experience that not everyone falls into the same addictive patterns. Not everyone escalates to involving other people or viewing illegal material for example.

    Anyway that was what I thought about when you wrote the below. I think your wife's therapist most likely has a definition of porn addiction that encompasses definite inclusion of some of the more extreme escalation patterns. However, maybe your wife's definition of an addict is "someone who really likes watching porn" and that's why she isn't especially upset about it.

    Merton and Living like this.
  9. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    These days I tend to think of myself as someone who has decided to never watch any porn again.

    I think porn is bad for addicts and non-addicts alike, so it's just something that should be totally avoided in my opinion.
    Merton and TrueSelf like this.
  10. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    To add to @TrueSelf: it's not only a matter of definition of 'porn addiction', but also a matter of definition of 'upset' and of 'it'. The way I see it, I would definitly be upset if my partner had an addiction, first of all because an addiction would have a serious negative effect on my partner herself and I would not like that at all. But also because it would effect my own life in a negative way. And while you can feel proud about your partner trying to deal with it and feel supportive towards your partner, I think it's also natural and helpful to be upset about it at the same time. Our problems are something really serious to most of us, they should be something really serious to the ones we love to. To me that is what 'being upset' is. Being upset (in my definition) is not about blaming someone, but is about dealing with things you don't like. Our problems affect the lives of our partners just as well as they affect our own lives. In the same way it think it's good that you are upset about your problems, I think it's also good that your wife is upset about your (and in fact her) problems. So from that perspective I agree with her therapist. Having said that: I wasn't there, so I really don't know what the angle of the therapist was:)
    Merton likes this.
  11. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 19: Somehow I missed yesterday. Last night I had some kind of sex dreams that I don't remember. I did wake up very aroused and it took some time to get back to normal. I finally go to the doctor tomorrow for my back, so I hope he has some help. Also I lost my keys today and spent forever trying to find them.

    There is something going on at work that is stressing me out. But the best thing to do is to face it head-on.

    @TrueSelf Thanks for the comments! I'm not sure if he really said anything about a definition of addiction. I will need to go back and listen again. I also am not totally sure about whether classifying myself as an addict is useful. It is a little bit related to 12 step and disease etc. I think I agree with you about the therapist. My impression is that therapists and doctors are not really so familiar with porn addiction as it exists today. Probably if you took a porn addict from 20 years ago, they were also acting out in more extreme ways. I would guess it takes a lot to actually go to video stores and buy videos all the time, as opposed to simply whipping out your phone. I guess I mean that there are many people today who are porn addicts who might not have been a long time ago.

    @occams_razor this seems like a good way to think. I also agree that porn is harmful for anyone. I don't really understand people who say that there is nothing wrong with it and I really don't understand the people who say that it brings out their hidden sexuality. It is a bit like saying there is nothing wrong with McDonalds. Sure, it is not a problem for me, but it seems hard to argue that it is not unhealthy.

    @Living thanks for coming by! I understand what you're saying about being upset, and it makes a lot of sense. I do think she is upset in these senses you describe. On the other hand, I don't think she equates porn with cheating. My impression is that this is what the therapist was going for. It is hard for her to think this considering she watches porn sometimes herself!
    Living and occams_razor like this.
  12. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 20: Things have gone pretty well today. Saw the doctor and it was simultaneously depressing and uplifting. Weird. I have not had PMO problems, but I think I was at least aroused last night while sleeping and trying to get up.

    I listened to the porn free radio podcast about motivation (36). It was great. He talked all about different types of motivations, and I could see how many of my previous attempts were flawed from the beginning just because of my lack of motivation, or misplaced motivation.

  13. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Ah okay, if that's the case I agree with the therapist being out of line. I can definitly understand how people might see watching porn as a form of being unfaithful, but I don't think a therapist should impose her own beliefs or morals on one of her clients.
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  14. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 21: it is three weeks. Not much to say today. Things went pretty well and although I had sexy dreams it did not seem to mess me up so much.
  15. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 22: I am going to see some music by myself tonight. It should be good.

    Today pmo went well. No significant problems. Tomorrow will be 23 days, and that is where I failed last time, so I am looking forward to getting through it. The next is 30, and that is where I failed the previous time. Let’s keep going!
  16. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 23: all continues to go well. I worked out today and it went well. I also spent a little time being social. It made me feel better.
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  17. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 24: I am fortunately past the ending day of the last streak. I think the porn free radio podcast is really helping me this time. I listen to an episode each day. Since there are 200 episodes, there is a lot of content to get through. It is very inspiring. Some of it is somewhat religious, which I do not connect with, but he is usually not so heavy on this.

    I travel tomorrow for a week. I would normally be very worried about this but I feel ok. Matt D has an episode about traveling so I will likely review that before my trip.

    All my best to everyone on here fighting the addiction!
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  18. Ereignis

    Ereignis Active Member

    I might have to check that out. Do you have any favorite episodes?
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  19. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Good work my friend! Stay committed and realize what is coming next. If you get the urge on or near the 30 day mark, just remind yourself what happened last time. All those days you had to climb back up again, I hate knowing that after a binge. Also tell yourself "this could be the last day 30 I ever have to do" if you just quit. No more day 5's, 16's or 23's either. They don't exist anymore. For me, right before a binge usually a couple hours before, I realize that I'm feeling better than I've felt since before the last binge. It's a point I reach once the withdrawal subsides just enough to know I feel back to normal. This is why I struggle so bad with days 9 - 15. I can't see the bigger picture and I can't imagine myself feeling any better than I do at that point. Since I have no problems with ED, it adds to the internal struggle of telling myself "there isn't really anything wrong with you", which leads to relapse.

    Don't listen to these manifestations. I like to keep a list of quotes I've written close by when I reach a binge temptation. It's things I've written post-binge around day 3 or 4 when I'm feeling my worst. Keep you're head up, bro! You're doing fantastic.
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  20. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 29: I haven’t posted for a few days because of travel. It has been going well. I have had some pretty intense sex dreams but I have not acted out. I think porn free radio has helped a lot. My phone is on screen time from 9 pm to 7 am and I am listening to porn free radio every day. Tomorrow will be the 30 day mark.

    @Ereignis yea it is great. My favorites are 5 (travel), Craig Perra (16-17), single (18), celebrity (20), 12 step (35), motivation (36), lived with a porn Star (46-47).

    @Intothewild89 thanks for all the support man, and it is great to see you here! Keeping a list like what you mentioned sounds like a great idea. These rationalizations can come up and get you at the worst times. Let’s keep at it and beat this thing!

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