Merton's reboot log

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Merton, Oct 30, 2018.

  1. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 22: I traveled during the last day. I tried not to make a big deal out of it to myself, although travel has been difficult in he past. I just got to my hotel room and watched mark queppet and physical therapy videos (I think I have a herniated disc).

    I’m about to board the plane to go home. In the airport there was a restaurant where all the wait staff is replaced by computers. I hated this. Of course this is not such a gripe itself, but I do not like that our world is getting increasing more depersonalized. Technology is great in some ways but seems to isolate us possibly even more.

    Old man ranting.

    Things are going well! I have no need for porn in my life!

    Also:

    @Intothewild89 thanks so much for all the support and comments! I am glad to see you back.

    @Thelongwayhome27 thanks for coming by!
     
  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    Yeah, I agree. Stuff like this can get me down or melancholic. But I guess that's the way things seem to be right now.
     
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  3. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    I agree with that, too. In one supermarket in my city they installed two self-service checkouts (don't know if that's the proper english term...) last year. I didn't use them once and I don't plan to use them in the future. I just have a bad feeling with this.

    Recently I read an article about men in Japan called "Hikikomori". They completely withdraw from the outer world and sit in their flat all day without any contact to people in real life. That's a real thing there and it's not rare.
     
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  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's starting to go too far. Take self-driving cars; soon on a road near you. Or self-ordering refrigerators. Soon there won't be a reason to leave the house. Maybe I'm paranoid about AI, but this can't end well.
     
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  5. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 24: still going strong. I have not had many urges lately. Although I am usually somewhat anxious about having sex with my wife, and this is accompanied with major intimacy problems, we had sex last night and it felt quite good. It was a mental boost because I thought it was impossible.

    I have been watching tons of physical therapy videos (fortunately none of the triggering type), and reading the slight edge. It is quite motivating.

    @Thelongwayhome27 i know what you mean. I get pretty depressed about this stuff but it seems inevitable.

    @-Luke- I hear you about the check out counters. The things that bother me more are usually a combination of technology with fake corporate type happiness you see in advertising. Like Facebook cares so much about you and this is why they are giving us such a great platform to solve all of our problems! It is a huge lie and we were just fine without it.

    @Eternity i also agree with you here about the potential dangers that come with AI etc. We are really trusting technology way too much, and for what reason? As I said, things were fine. This just leads to things like what @-Luke- mentioned with people living virtual lives.
     
  6. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    Yes exactly, it's the (more or less subtle) hypocrisy of it that gets to me as well. And the dumbing us down part that comes with it. But it is what it is I guess and things could be worst. There still is a lot of humanity and nature out there to connect too (lol ironic word here).

    Good to hear you are doing well overall in your 4th week clean !
     
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  7. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 27: I’m coming up on a month. It is incredible how sometimes I can wallow in the pit for days at a time and sometimes I can go for a month without porn.

    Lately I have been having porn dreams but during the day I am ok. Still watching a lot of mark queppet. I had some fights with my wife this weekend but things seem to have gotten better.

    One of the things I tend to struggle with as time goes on is that I feel like since I am married I will never have sexual or romantic novelty again. I know that a large part of this has to do with the fact that porn has trained my brain to give such an extreme importance to how a woman looks. So, for example, if I see some very attractive college girl walking around, she has very high importance in my mind and I feel I have missed out. But in reality it should work in the opposite way. Since I do not know her, she should have little importance and I have not missed out because I have built a relationship with my wife. I am hoping that as time goes on my priorities will start to realign.

    @Thelongwayhome27 i know what you mean. Thanks for the encouragement!
     
  8. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    You are not the only one:) I know how feelings like these can make you feel guilty and as if you are doing something wrong, but to a certain extent this is just natural behaviour. I think one thing you should not do is worry too much about this. It's like a small child looking for attention: when it has a temper tantrum you can try to comfort it or you can tell it to stop, but when it's persistent you gain much more from neglecting it. This is one of the most important I learned from meditation: when a persistant thought or feeling is not helping you, stop giving it attention.
     
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  9. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 29: I had some strong urges last night and went to bed instead of acting on them. I have been watching mark queppet this morning to reorient myself (how quickly the amnesia can start to come in). One thing I remembered, and something he really explains well, is that addiction is a state of victimhood. When you are a slave to your temptations, and do not know how to lie without porn, you can never take control of your life and make with it what you want. This is very inspiring for me.

    @Living thanks for the support! It is very helpful to hear that these thoughts are common. Also I really need to get back into meditation. Maybe I will try to do a little meditation each night.
     
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  10. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 30/0: I made it to day 30. Unfortunately I pmoed. Maybe a small case of the milestones? I will try to come on later and analyze it. For the moment I am watching a lot of mark queppet. The goal now is to make sure that I keep my momentum and jump right back on.
     
  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Sorry to hear that. But the progress you've made isn't gone. Not at all. The videos seem to help and inspire you, so good decision to keep watching them.
     
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  12. occams_razor

    occams_razor Active Member

    Sounds a bit like a case of the milestones alright. You seem to be getting right back on track though.

    You could join me in going for 10,000 days. Milestones might not be such an issue then!
     
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  13. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    When you got to day 27, I was thinking this was going to happen. Mainly because you were talking about the dreams coming on, but also the fight with your wife. The stress could be seen building and carrying over into the "case of the milestones" as we call it. I wanted to PM you and and warn you of it, but was busy with my kids all weekend. Unfortunately, here we are.

    Rather than seeing this as a set back, you really impressed me with how you were able to give pmo and porn up for a month with next to little effort. Great work! I'm quite envious of you, but I'm letting that drive me into my own recovery. Now that you've shown yourself you're capable of quitting for a month, you know the next milestone has to be "for good" like @occams_razor has stated. Good luck! Looking forward to your analysis.
     
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  14. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys so much for the encouragement. I have not posted for a few days. The main reason is that I am trying hard to get back on track but keep messing up. Just as Mark Queppet says, it is the pendulum swing: sometimes I am completely against porn. Other times I swing in the opposite direction and use it.

    I wonder if there will ever be a way for me not to get trapped in the pit when I reset. I last messed up today and, instead of staying away from the forum because I am ashamed, the best thing I can do is to post and use all my available resources.

    I started a sheet of paper today that I plan to read every night. It has 6 categories: reasons to quit, goals for 5the next 90 days, replacement activities, urge control tactics, priorities, and practical rules. I’ll try to post what I decide to put there. This idea is based on something I heard on Noah Church’s YouTube site.

    @Intothewild89 thanks so much for the support. It is funny that you could see the reset coming. I feel like it was a combination of the fighting with amnesia that set in. I hate the amnesia.

    @-Luke- thanks man! I think you’re right that not all is lost. I need to keep up he momentum to keep going.

    @occams_razor yoy are totally right. Let’s go for 10000!
     
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  15. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    It's really hard to get out of the pit when there without using some more. I think every single relapse I've had I always used a lot before coming out again. I've never had that experience of being on a serious effort streak, falling off and getting back on a new one right away. Some seem to have that experience though and it seems to be those people who are seriously ahead in they're own recovery.

    What helps me sometimes when I'm down there is at some point to take a breather and not commit to anything anymore. I find too much commitment at that point can be counterproductive and add more pressure.
     
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  16. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm in the same situation right now. Just when things started looking better it fell apart. I know that we can do it, but it's going to take some willpower. Posting here is also an important step forward, and I hope we can provide you with motivation.
     
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  17. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 2: I made it to say 2! One thing I realized while trying to scrape my way out of the pit is that practical measures are so important in the early days. No matter how much internal motivation I have, times come along where my brain says “I don’t care. It would feel good and I can easily get back to 1 day.” In these scenarios I need to distract myself until the urge goes away. Of course this distraction does not work forever because eventually I will forget to do it (or care) so I need internal motivation to get farther.

    I have been filling out my sheet of goals etc. and I think it has helped. I’ll try to share that soon. Also I’ve been watching a lot of Noah church and I joined some app called “fortify.” It seems interesting. Has anyone used it?

    @Thelongwayhome27 it is good to hear you have the same issue. It is basically impossible to stop when I fall in. This has always been a problem for me. I guess it shouldn’t be so unexpected. Each time we reset we are teaching our brains how precious porn is.

    @Eternity thanks for the support! It is truly rough, but as you said, we will get through it. I hope Things are going well for you at this point. In what ways do you get motivation?
     
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  18. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    It seems you do the same thing I do. When a binge comes along after a long time of abstaining, I binge off and on every couple days, to where it looks like 15 days clean, then 2, then 4, then 3, then 2, then 5, THEN I get back on the horse and do a longer time away. I've noticed this is pretty true for a couple of us here. I wonder why that is? For me, I think it's because I don't feel bad after relapsing when I've been away for a while. It's like my brain chemistry is still sharp, and since I still feel OK, I conitune to binge off and on every couple nights until my brain gets fried and I feel like hell. THEN I do the long time away from porn, until ultimately I repeat the process over again. I've been doing this for 2 years now.

    The goal sheet is a good idea. I need to preoccupy myself with hobbies or chores nearly 100% of the day to keep myself away from thinking about relapsing. I think this will be true for the rest of my life. Good luck! Glad to see you're back on the path. :D
     
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  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    I think that it's a pretty regular pattern for people to have some trouble building up strong motivation and momentum when they fall off a previous effort. Once you "use", I think for most addictions, you have high chances of "using" again once you're off the wagon. So we should not be hard on ourselves I think when this happens as this will probably just add negativity. I think a person being on a long term recovery effort, relapsing and then keeping it a one "slip" and getting right back on a new streak can happen but it's pretty rare. From the journals I've read most of the time when one slips he'll slip a few more times. The more we are committed to getting past this addiction, though, the quicker we'll get back on the wagon at some point.

    Sometimes, we lose perspective when we are recovering. We forget why we do this, and stress builds up, tension - we lapse and then the trip down reminds us, sooner or later, why we're doing this. Looks like for some this takes more time then others. In my case, since I discovered NoFap and YBOP in 2014, I've lapsed a lot of times, but the commitment to stop has never went away. I've lapsed many times but I've never given up long term. What I've tried experimenting with was moderation. Sometimes it seemed to work but sooner or later it drove me back to unhealthy binging sessions.

    I feel that for those people that have a recovery relapse pattern a good thing to see is (a silver lining) that every time we make an effort on the "good path" we discover more what that life can be. And every time we go back down we refresh our memory on why we don't wanna use P anymore. In my case I am quite motivated in healing my psychological issues, my self esteem problems and I can see how when I'm stopping Porn this marries very well with the self growth I'm striving for. It's like a booster in my transformation. When I fall off, and start using again, sooner or later I realize I'm not happy like that and life could be more. I remember what it felt like on a positive momentum. And then I'm motivated to get back to that. It's true that it has been a long process. But I hope it's slowly getting better.
     
  20. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 2: Back on day 2! Things are looking up. After I made the last journal entry, I fell into the pit. That time, I think I just directly decided to do it. Anyway things have been going better.

    Today I had a small victory. Inexplicably, at the pool quite close to my house, there was a girl sunbathing in incredibly revealing swimwear. I was very triggered and wanted to look at porn. Instead of this, I listened to a lot of Mark Queppet and overcame the urge. Now I feel much more stable. Instead of trying to run away from the feelings or to give in immediately, I sat and paid attention to them. I realized how my initial reaction "let's go look at porn" was really a way to get out of the situation I was in. In other words, I felt very worked up because of this girl, and, as Mark says, getting aroused is actually an uncomfortable feeling, so it is natural to look for a release. I had never seen this quite so clearly though.

    Onward!

    @Intothewild89 thanks for the support! I totally know what you mean here. The goal sheet seems to be helping somewhat. I need to be more consistent with checking it, so I will try to do so each night.

    @Thelongwayhome27 I think you are right about us getting more experience with how good our lives can be. The more time we have clean, the more we grow to like that life. I remember before I started to try to quit (2015), I PMOed literally every day. For years! I cannot believe that I was forever under this spell. I must have had the worst brain fog ever. Now I've had many streaks (a year, 3/4 year, 100 days, 60 days, many of size 30), so that I have more experience with living clean. Of course, at the same time I have to battle the fact that the addiction seems to get worse the more I use. But I do think I know what you mean.
     

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