Merton's reboot log

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Merton, Oct 30, 2018.

  1. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    It is day 5. Things are going extremely well. Not only am I feeling good about pmo but also about life in general, and some self confidence. Basically I have been trying to be less self conscious and to believe that I have just as much right to inhabit spaces as others do. I am tired of hiding and being afraid.

    Overall I have been excited about reclaiming my life from fear and anxiety, and most of all porn. Whenever I have some urge about a video in the past, I just imagine what I actually look like using. The tired eyes, tons of sweating, the severe chemical bath in the brain.

    I am boarding a flight now so must go. I will eventually get to responding to some of the great posts here. Also I can share some good resources.
    TrueSelf and occams_razor like this.
  2. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Hey Merton I'm glad that things are going well for you. I'm wondering if your reasons for quitting porn that you listed some time back are still the same or have they changed after the increased hopefulness that you have experienced?

    Your quote above made me think about how I have willingly turned a blind eye to how terrible the porn industry can be. Recently I did some research (I had to be careful doing this) and it definitely seems like some bad stuff takes place. One of the underhanded moves that appears to be fairly common place is that a young woman will agree to participate in some type of scene. Then the circumstances will be changed and she will be asked to do something she did not sign up for. If she refuses she will not be paid. I'm not sure how often this type of situation happens but I strongly believe that the imbalance in life experience between the porn producer people (probably in their 40's and above) versus the talent (as young as 18) is frequently taken advantage of.

    So this has lead me to think that at least in some of the things I have watched the woman was not a completely willing participant even if she appeared to be. This is pretty awful to think about.
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2019
    Merton likes this.
  3. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    This is all well to do if you’re into professional porn, but I’d say I watch about 98% amateur stuff where couples posts their homemade videos. Those people are having sex with people they are either in a relationship with, or filming because they love sex and consider it a hobby/side hustle. One of my favorite channels on PH is a chick in LA who runs the show and her husband just participates. She says she loves sex. You can obviously tell they shoot the videos themselves in their own home and theres no production going on behind the scenes. That adds to the addiction for me because I know it’s real. I used to be into Hd productions like BB and stuff like that, but the more real stuff is what hooks me more, and there’s hundred more out there who post stuff like this. It’s impossible to block and it’s ruining my life by messing with my hormones every time I binge. Just know there are people in porn who are enjoying it, ladies included.
    Merton likes this.
  4. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I hear what your saying. In my opinion even with the amateur stuff (actually my preference as well) it's probably more often a guy's idea than a woman's. I have heard this line mentioned about how doing porn can be so empowering for women (they work with who they want, when the want) but I think this is most often BS. Men are the primary audience for porn. Men supply the demand. So sure maybe the woman has some choice but really only in doing things that men want to see. I haven't seen much porn (pro or amateur) that really focuses solely on the woman's pleasure. Pretty much all popular porn is just the woman displaying her body and being used.

    I guess for me it's just another thing to think about that makes porn seem less attractive.
    Merton likes this.
  5. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Yeah, I can agree with you on the "only doing things men want to see". I'm not into abusive or belittling stuff at ALL, though. If I'm watching a video and the dude slaps the chick or whatever, I'm immediately turned off. Why do they do that?? Do guys actually get off on seeing these women getting physically slapped and certain "appendages" shoved down their throats? I seriously don't get it. I'm completely about softer stuff and clips that actually look like they're having sex because it's enjoyable.

    Anyway, sorry to side track your journal @Merton. Hope you're going strong on the abstinence!!
    Merton and TrueSelf like this.
  6. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I think it is day 7 or so. Things are still going well. I am traveling but watching a lot of mark queppet. Also my friend sent my this podcast featuring the guy who talks about “the opposite of addiction is connection.” It was quite good.

    Overall I am still (a) thinking a lot about some personal development and (b) employing mental tactics when I get any urges. Basically I am “playing the tape through” to imagine what it would be like afterward if I were to act out. (It would not be good after the chemical bath!) instead of trying to tell myself that porn is so bad for me, I am just looking at the situation honestly and looking forward to personal growth. I think this keeps the motivation high while dealing with the urges.

    I do not have much time still since I am traveling but wanted to say thanks for the continued comments. About the discussion on horrors of the industry, I should say that when I watch porn it is almost always professionally produced, and I would guess, as has been mentioned, that there are tons of horrors. It makes sense that there is less (possibly in some cases no) direct physical pressure in the amateur cases, but in those cases it is hard for me to believe that these people really want lives where they are sex workers. I really do not know. I remember reading in some places that amateur porn also has a lot of the same problems that professional porn does, and is directly linked to tons of sex trafficking. Before making any concrete statements I should probably actually look into it again. In any case, regardless of whether or not there is abuse in some or many amateur cases, I still feel like porn is not the best expression of sex. Mark queppet talks a lot about the fact that if you are watching porn then this means that you feel you are not being sexually fulfilled without it. At least in my case, porn is centered around watching other people instead of participating, and it reflects all the problems I have in the bedroom (lack of intimacy, anxiety, etc), problems that I should get up and actually make progress on instead of fearing for my whole life. Porn will only bring me backward.

    Anyway thanks guys! And I will eventually return to a regular posting schedule (when I finally stop traveling).
  7. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    One last thing to @Merton and @Intothewild89 I hope I didn't give the impression that I consider myself some type of moral authority or that I judge anyone who watches some kind of porn vs another. My recent research into the negative issues and conditions of the porn industry was a direct result of some earlier comments that you both made around not having moral objections to porn. I was about to chime in that I felt the same way but then decided maybe I should look into it a bit more.

    If I chose to use porn, while I'm using I don't give an F about any of the porn industry stuff, or really anything aside from watching whatever gives me the most pleasure. I also view things in rapid succession in my searching for the perfect scene so I end up exposing myself to a lot of content. I'm not at all choosy when I'm in this state. My search perimeters are simply does the women possess the physical attributes that I am interested in (at the time) and is she engaging in something I am interested in (at the time). I'm even able to overlook certain aspects of what I am watching. However once I've "finished" I sometimes experience a lifting of the veneer and I can notice things (like how phony or cringey some of the things she was saying was or maybe even that she didn't really appear to be enjoying what she was doing all that much).

    I think what I established from the accounts/articles that I read is that if I chose to watch porn there is a decent chance that I will end up watching some content that has some level of coercion involved in it. I'm hoping that this knowledge will at least give me slight pause when the desire to watch porn inevitably presents itself in the future.

    Thanks for the discussion guys.
  8. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I am completely with you on this. Once things get violent it is a complete turn off. It is funny how some porn is incredibly exciting, whereas some porn does absolutely nothing for me (completely unarousing). Violence is actually very negative and disturbs me.
    TrueSelf and Intothewild89 like this.
  9. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    @Merton and @TrueSelf , I can totally see where you're both coming from when you say to the contrary. I never accounted for the fact that some of these women in amateur videos could be sex trafficked into it. I read a completely hellish account about a month ago written by a girl who was sold into sex slavery in her teens by her father and sent to this "building" many times a week to have sex with men who lined up single file in some industrial park somewhere. If she refused, they threatened and beat her. Eventually when she got to the legal age, they sold her into the porn industry. I'll have to find her web blog for you guys to read, it is completely depressing and makes you think twice about what's really happening in our society. If I recall, this happened in Seattle.
    Merton likes this.
  10. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I sort of don’t want to “like” this due to the horrible content but in the other hand I am very interested to hear more details. I think while porn enterprise is often much more evil than we would like to believe.
  11. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    It has been a few days since I updated, and I think I'm on day 12. Things are going quite well. As I mentioned before, I am focusing on making life improvements instead of trying to get away from porn. In doing this, I have come to think of porn as taking a major step backward, so I have not wanted to engage in it. There are times when I get an image from a video that I looked at in my head, and I try to immediately imagine what I actually look like when I am watching this video, pants down, and also what I look like when I look in the mirror afterward, with tired and glossy eyes. This thinking seems to keep me in the mindset that porn is the best way to keep me exactly where I have been, stuck in a rut.

    I have kept on watching Mark Queppet videos. Today I watched one about following a vision for your life. He says that what we really want is to live lives that we admire. If I think about what sorts of people I admire, they are ones who seem to be able to do things I have such a hard time with. These include:

    1. Making small talk with people.
    2. Giving motivational speeches.
    3. Getting people to like them.
    4. Feeling comfortable in their own lives.

    I think 4 is a big one for me. So many people do things and talk in ways that would make me mortified. Why is that? It might be because I feel like I have no right to act this way, since I am different or damaged compared to them. When I think about doing things that give me anxiety (like these), I feel like hiding. But if I am ever to improve my life and live a life that I admire, I will need to face these things and recognize that there is nothing wrong with me. I just need to step out of my comfort zone. I am trying to do that more. More importantly, though, thinking this way keeps me on an upward trajectory, rather than sinking down into the pit with endless hours of stroking and mind-chemical bath.

    So things are good! I need to keep a high self esteem and tell myself that I am no worse than any people around me. I have just as much right to express my feelings or thoughts as they do.

    All of my travels went very well. After the nightmare travel at the beginning of March, things turned around, and I had 3 great traveling experiences in a row. A key was to keep a positive attitude of improvement, keep thinking about changing my life, and stay away from blocking or obsessing about practical strategies (like staying out of the hotel room at all times). This kept me calm and excited about things to come, rather than staying up all night "breaking the rules."

    Thanks also for all the comments! I do not think that i addressed all of them, as I got a bit behind, but I did read and think a lot about them.

    It is funny that in the quite recent past, I was convinced that dealing with addiction is a purely mechanical thing. However I have come to realize that you can have all the tricks and methods in the world, but if you don't actually want to implement them (motivation to improve), then it makes no difference.
    -Luke- and occams_razor like this.
  12. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

  13. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Thanks for posting this video. His second point really resonated with me. One of my big fantasies is an "unattainable" type woman hitting on me. Clearly I am seeking something (validation) from this type of exchange. Like he says in the video, this is why I feel a sense of loss or "missing out" when I see an attractive woman. I can never achieve what I am really looking for (increase in self worth) by seeking it from external sources.
    Merton likes this.
  14. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Wanted to say one more thing about the attractive woman thing. Three weeks ago I started taking a group exercise course (indoor rowing) on Sundays. Before going I was wondering if any attractive women would be there. The first week most of the people who attended were older, but there was one lady who was closer to my age and had a nice body. So I ended up checking her out a bit (looked at her bum). Next week she was not there. There were no "distractions". After the class I felt so great and had a feel good high from the workout. Yesterday she was back. I was determined to not check her out again, however I ended up glancing at her bum very quickly at the end of class. Even though I was working hard I didn't get the same feel good high as the previous week. Maybe it's not related but I'm wondering if the lack of workout high was because a part of me knew I was being weak ("giving my power away") by checking her out.
    Merton likes this.
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I signed up for a beginners rowing course that starts in May and I had the same thoughts ("I wonder if there are some attractive girls"). Funny that you describe the exact same thing here.

    But I think you should see it as progress that you only checked her out once at the end. All of us here watched loads of porn in our lifes. And that teached us to objectify women and reduce them to certain body parts. Going from objectifying all the time to zero is hard. You are not perfect (and neither am I) but that really sounds like progress.
    TrueSelf and Merton like this.
  16. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 14: not much time right now but I wanted to mention that I watched the mark queppet video on spiritual warfare and it has so far been very good.

    I am still going strong and am focusing on a life change rather than willpower or constant bandaids.

    @TrueSelf thanks for the comments! That video was also very helpful for me to see that I am just using these women that I stare at. It is much better for me to have a mindset that I am a good person (instead of fundamentally flawed) who does not need to lose his power to these random people.

    @-Luke- thanks for coming by! I agree about the ogling. For a while I was doing the no arousal method but I think I was too obsessed with the rules. Now I am trying to have a mindset change instead.
    TrueSelf likes this.
  17. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 17: had a good day today with my wife and daughter. Last night I had some temptation to fantasize and I nearly got the chills (as I do when a relapse is coming on). I went to bed immediately and kept tryin to imagine (a) the after effects of porn use and (b) some of the motivational videos I’ve been watching. This morning I woke up and watched some of these videos and it helped keep me on track. Although I am trying to keep the motivation high, there will be times when it is just not there, and I need practical strategies for these times. Last night I relied a lot on my usual strategies and they seemed to work.

    I got triggered tonight when looking at “funny gym exercise videos” because one of them had a woman in a bikini in the thumbnail. Instead of clicking on it, I moved over to mark queppet and it kept me clean.

    I hope everyone is doing well!
  18. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    You're doing worlds better, my friend! Glad to see you're closing in on 20 days free from porn. You're ability to replace these urges with something empowering is a testament to the changes you've set out to make in yourself. You've seen where the road can go, and turning back now would only chastise your mind and kill your motivation. You seem to "get it" now that blockers are only band-aids. The change has to be from within, and you can't lie to yourself in order to fully see that change. Well done! I've been gone for a short spell, but I'm back to follow your progress.
    Gil79 and Merton like this.
  19. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Words of wisdom !
    Merton likes this.
  20. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Day 22: I traveled during the last day. I tried not to make a big deal out of it to myself, although travel has been difficult in he past. I just got to my hotel room and watched mark queppet and physical therapy videos (I think I have a herniated disc).

    I’m about to board the plane to go home. In the airport there was a restaurant where all the wait staff is replaced by computers. I hated this. Of course this is not such a gripe itself, but I do not like that our world is getting increasing more depersonalized. Technology is great in some ways but seems to isolate us possibly even more.

    Old man ranting.

    Things are going well! I have no need for porn in my life!


    @Intothewild89 thanks so much for all the support and comments! I am glad to see you back.

    @Thelongwayhome27 thanks for coming by!

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