Melkster's road into the unkown (week 4)

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Melkster, Jul 10, 2012.

  1. Melkster

    Melkster New Member

    I've started my journey a few weeks ago. I do think that keeping a journal might be helpfull to me and hopefully informative, motivating and entertaining to you. As I am not a native English speaker there might be some grammar and/or spelling errors in my journal. Just try to control the urge to point them out, with all of you resisting urges here this shouldn't be any problem I imagine.

    My story:

    29, male.

    The last year or so I grew an increasing feeling that I just wasn't living life to the fullest. Mind you, I haven't had any mayor issues, a lack of friends or unsupporting family. From the outside it seemed fine. But to me it just felt okayish... just that. I felt I lacked passion in areas of my life.

    A couple of months ago I lost my job and I deciced that it might as well grab the opportunity to find out what does make me tick. My focus at first was at my career but I quickly found out that I had to look further. In talks with a counselor I discovered that I was so rationalizing any issues I had just because I wouldn't allow myself to hurt by my emotions. I just didn't have any mayor highs or lows. During those months I opened up more to family and friends and I am getting more aware of my emotions and allowing them to actually be there instead of rationalizing them. Hello feelings...

    While I saw improvement in a lot of things I still wasn't happy with my sexual life. During my years at university I had a few hookups and one night stands but nothing more then that. After university and getting a job I had just one fling in about 4 years. I did however ended up in the friendszone a lot... I think of myself as a rather social guy and I don't have any issues talking to people or women for that matter. Until I had to show myself and or my emotions. It wasn't till a year ago that it actually started bothering me. I would just rationalize that I am not a seducer and I'd just as well enjoy women as friends instead of possibly scaring them away.

    I came onto this site, the TEDx-talks and YBOP through a forum which i was casually browsing. One of the threads had a list of people abstainging from P or PMO. I actually had been thinking of abstaining so any O would had to be with someone. Just as means to overcome my anxiety, not because I thought PMO was bad. After two days of reading and watching clips I found so many stories more or less resembling my situation. So maybe there was more to PMO than I originally thought.

    PMO history:
    I realised I've been M'ing since i was 13 or 14. First just by the sensation and fantasy, and around 18 years old i went from pics till somewhere in my twenties where highspeed internet and youtube-like sites popped up. Up till a few weeks ago I mixed P with fantasy. Over the years I've on average (P)MO'ed between once or twice a day. Some days I MO'ed a couple of times, others I just went to sleep but no more than a two or three days at max between MO's. IF a PC was available I would usually choose that over fantasy. With the years I found that erections based on just feeling wouldn't last very long and i turned more towars P and fantasy. My erections were not as hard as with touch but hey they got me off... so why bother?

    ED history:
    I've had some sexual encounters with varying results. I had a few encounters where I had trouble staying hard. I do believe it wasn't as much ED as it was performance anxiety. Being with a girl for the first time sometimes made me so focuse on performing that I was so aware of any shifts in arrousal that it affected me. Encounters where I was just enjoying myself I had no problem cumming. That said I may just be wrong here... Time might tell

    I actually started this challenge not because of ED but because of the fact that i feel that PMO is holding me back on enjoying life more due to it's effects on the brain. I want a change and maybe PMO is one of the sollutions. I have no clue if or what the effects on me might be. I might even be possible that I overestimate any gains but even so I'm just very curious. Nothing more to do then experiencing it myself...

    I'm setting my target at 90 days no PMO, although my actually target is being able to see a change in enjoying my life for the better. The 90 days is just a tool.
     
  2. Melkster

    Melkster New Member

    Re: Melkster's road to... yeah, to what?

    I started my challenge 17 days ago. Down below is a recap of the first two weeks.

    Week 1:
    I didn't found it hard to abstain from PMO. I had no urges to look at porn. I generally had a feeling of happiness and a boost of energy to go with it (I guess that would be the testorone kicking in). I actually felt like that boost of energy and happiness was leading me in doing more stuff. Instead of finding activities to do so I didn't had time to think about PMO. Week 1 was a breeze.
     
  3. Melkster

    Melkster New Member

    Re: Melkster's road to... yeah, to what?


    Week 2:
    Now here is where it gets interesting. During week 2 I felt my energy and motivation to do things dropping. I kinda felt the same before my challenge where I had sometimes problems motivating myself to do usefull stuff.

    Keeping the porn out was rather easy. It doesn't feel like that porn isn't my main issue. The fix from MO'ing seems to be a bigger threat. Porn is mainly a catalyst, although a very good one. Even when confronted with porn by a friend (story down below) I wasn't drawn into it.

    Fantasizing however...I have a hard time getting fantasies out of my mind. These fantasies almost exclusively feature ex-partners of people I know. Almost no pornstars or -scenes. I guess that fantasizing about “real” peoples and settings is better then porn, yet it still is annoying. It still induces those urges to MO.

    During this week the little monster became even smaller and responded to fantasy or touch (by washing for instance) less and less. Great, mentally i'm raging with fantasies and physically nothing happens... also no morning wood or wet dreams yet. It looks like I'm physically flatlining.

    What I did found out is that the fantasies would pop in at specific moments. Either when I wasn't occupied with something or when I got out of into bed. Those are exactly the moments I used to (P)MO. Most of the time it was a very consious decision to go and watch P or MO. I read that a lot of people find themselves getting arroused or suddenly surfing P. I can't recall that much situations where I started to get arroused before my brain started telling me it needed another fix. I obeyed happily.

    Writing this I suddenly realise how much in common it has with my old smoking habit. I used to smoke at fixed moments in the day and cravings started when I wasn't occupied. Any (ex-)smokers should really recall those days when you were so busy that you hardly smoked any sigaret. Most smokers will even tell you that they didn't really miss it because they were so occupied. Yet when not occupied the cravings seem unbearable.

    I never expected to start noticing changes in my behaviour or awareness in just 2 weeks. But I actually start to see some small changes. First, I started to see much more beautyfull or cute women where ever I go. Eyes, smiles, figures I suddenly start to see them while they allways have been around. It might be horniness although i'm not linking them to sex.

    One of the reasons I notice it more might be because I start to look at people much more directly, especially in conversations or in groups. Not to check people out, but because I want to establish a connection with them. I was so unaware that just eyecontact, smiles and glances are such powerfull tools to start flirting. And then realising that I've must have missed so much of those indicators over the years. The same goes for touching and allowing to be touched.

    By the way I didn't started to act different on purpose. I realised afterwards that I acted a bit differently. As if being steered unconsious. I wonder if has anything to do with my unconsious mind deciding that connecting to women is starting to get more important then hiding from possible rejections and the possible pain. I've tried to act like this before, but at those times it was a consious decision. I had a real hard time to keep it up at those times. I'd quickly found my way back to my old behaviour.

    At this moment I have a strong urge to continue and see where it all leads to.

    Oh yeah, sometimes people ask if they should tell friends of their challenge. Well I decided not. For some reason I feel like a divine being is toying with me over that decision. I went to a friend to get his internetconnection and TV working in his new house. After getting it working, he discovered in five minutes that he had a few porn channels included. Cheering at his girlfriend and me, he decided to check it out for some time. I was supposed to stay over so hurrying back home was out of the question... Great, how am i supposed to avoid porn when friends want to shower me in it?

    A day later we were at a party and a discussion started on M'ing in a releationship. One couple got into an argument and the girl didn't seem to happy about it. My friend loudely proclaimed that every guy M's often, even when in relationships. He then proceeded to have me tell the rest of the party that that was indeed the case...
     
  4. Melkster

    Melkster New Member

    Re: Melkster's road into the unkown (week 3)

    Week 3:

    The first few days of week 3 I still had reasonably many fantasies popping up in my mind. Hardly any porn, but mostly about having sex with someone I know for a long time. I guess because I saw her as my easiest way to sex in the foreseeable future. With a meetup planned that week and a bit of a build-up the last few months I was looking forward to it. To be honest I'm not even physically attracted to her, but just crave the intimacy and sensations of sex. Due to circumstances the meetup didn't happen and maybe it was for the better. The fantasies still reflected pornlike images though. My penis hardly responded to those fantasies (except for one day), maybe just a hint of a feeling. No erection attempt of any kind. If i'm not flatlining I'm damn close to it. During the weeked fantasies started dropping. No morning wood, no wet dreams and fewer urges.

    I had no urge to watch porn. If there are any urges it's the urge to release and MO. Still I recognize these thoughts rather quickly and while I feel uncomfortably with them I find that I'm nowhere near the edge to give in. I basically ask myself why giving in at this moment would be more preferable to continuing. I've gone a couple of weeks now, if I give in why didn't I just did it the first week? And when an urge arises and I'm able to resist it I compliment and feel good about my perseverance as an added bonus.

    Went out to the pubs one night but no meaningfull things happened. I did have a lot of energie and danced the night away (more than I used to do). I noticed that nightclub settings with loud music still make me feel uncomfortable in regards to approaching/flirting whereas in non nightclub settings it has dropped a bit. It probably has to do with the fact that I'm quite confident talking against unknowns in a lot of different situations, but have the urge to flee or hide when I'm aware of the fact that I'm approaching with the intend to attract/seduce. As if my brain goes into lockup mode when my brain registrers a possible mate instead of just a friendly or interesting talk/connection. Earlier hookups I've had were almost exclusively by either (really) direct approaches by women or by me when I was able to go into talkative mode without the intention to seduce and slowly creating attraction (although most of the time it ends up in the friendzone). No changes in that regard. Eyecontact and smiling has improved.

    As for other changes or withdrawls I found that emotions were going up and down more often then I am used to. I feel and register any positives more and when I generally feel more energetic. The downside is that any negative feelings are also enlarged. In the past I used to sometimes have depressing feelings and have a general feeling of unrest. The last week I felt really depressed about my unemployment and uncertainty about my future. My body tensed up so badly that it actually scared me. I'm not sure if it it directly relates to NoFap that I got more depressed or if NoFap just makes me more aware and receptive of emotions and the uncertainty is the reason of depressing feelings. While at first it kinda scared me, I am sort of embracing even those negative feelings. This might be some brainfog that's clearing up, although I might just want to see it that way to turn it into a positive thing.

    As some posters mentioned before highs seem higher, lows seem lower. That goes the same way for me. Underneath these highs and lows my energy seems increase and I'm more inclined to be more active. I'm still reluctant to attribute it all to NoFap and not me just willing to see stuff that others attribute to NoFap. Still really curious and excited to see where this all leads to...

    Day 22 almost over, day 23 about to start and I'm allready on 1/4th towards the 90 days.

    BTW I really advice journalling your challenge, even if you don't post it. It forces me to put all my different fleeting thoughts together and create a story. It really helps me to be more aware of everything that happens. Even if they turn into walls of text...
     
  5. Melkster

    Melkster New Member

    Week 4:

    So that's almost a third of the 90 day challenge allready. Almost a month of no PMO, the last time that happened was before I discovered that M-ing.

    While this challenge (thinking about it, reading this site or reddit/nofap and urges) still keeps my brain busy, it seems it becomes less of a focus. I guess this is what people mean by saying it gets easier after a few weeks.

    That said, it seems I have two distinct urges that surface every now and then each day. On one hand I really start to long for intimacy and connection through touching, looking into each others eyes and enjoying the energy and body from a woman. For the last 15 years I never really felt it as a primary need.

    The other urge is just the urge to unload badly. At this very moment I sit here at my desk and physically feel I could blow within 20 seconds. I don't want to watch porn, I dont want to fantasize, just unload...

    This week my mind seems to adopt a new strategy. It provides me less and less with recalling porn, less and less fantasizing about possible hookups, but more and more providing me with images and more importantly physical sensations of past sexual experiences. I feel sensations on my skin, in my abdomen and ofcourse the private parts. Even with al these sensations I do not get hard, maybe a slight erection but not something to work with... I'm not sure how to interpret this. Is my brain trying to steer me more towards the real deal or just trying different approaches to remind me that I really need to O?

    I don't wake up with morning wood but for the last couple of days I started getting erect if I really took my time to wake up and enjoying that. No 100% erections by far but they do feel harder then I was used to. I haven't experienced wet dreams.

    For me no-PMO is just one of the changes I'm working on now. I do struggle with the fact that I am currently without a job and feel anxcious about my future. Weirdely enough I even feel anxcious about applying for jobs... and yes, I know those thoughts to be irrational. Yet they still are able to get me so tense that I am having a hard time confronting them. With no-PMO my brainfog seems to have cleared up a lot, which I embrace most of the time. Just those times when I feel those negative emotions more then I have experienced them before, I wonder if doing this challenge at this specific time is really the best thing to do... but then again what will I get from not experiencing it?
     

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