Masochism ?

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Doctormountain, Jul 20, 2015.

  1. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Dear All,


    My sexual history in brief:

    age 13 to 18 : fapping to FD (femdom) porn which is pretty much an addictive hell
    age 18 to 25 : having LT girlfriends (controlling and slightly dominant girls for the most of them) and still fapping to FD porn, enabling their dominant behavior which led to them resenting me in the most cases
    age 26 to today: no PMO, no girlfriend (I was quite submissive white night, beta male type of boyfriend bringing flowers and shit) but having sex with random women when there is mutual attraction, then I discovered redpill, nofap

    - in the mean time, doing pick up and having sex with many different girls (easier because gotten less attached to outcome)

    --> never really suffered from ED but I would like to spill the sauce by just being present in the moment when having sex

    FD makes you feel worthless and even though those fantasies are completely gone from my daily life I am still afraid to fall back into this hellhole

    Since I stopped PMO I feel better and in control, I feel more masculine, much more confident in social situations and overall girls react much better to me than ever before ---> basically only positive except some vague pain in the balls sometimes

    I did a first streak of 90 days which was great, then I thought I might try to watch maledom porn to counter my previous addiction (you know like putting some sugar in your lemonade to make it less bitter) but it didnt work as it made me relapse into FD - bad idea but I like experimenting for myself

    Things that have helped me :

    - working out
    - going out with friends
    - quitting alcohol altogether (a must)
    - being more conscious generally speaking (about the environment, my eating habits etc...)
    - making sure I have my vitamins, water intake, minerals, healthy fats
    - reading some awesome books and some inspirational journals here :)

    My goal as of today is of never MO or PMO again in the future and finding a loving wife to procreate with (although i am also considering "going my own way" MGTOW if i do not find "the one")
    niskanen91 likes this.
  2. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: Journey to Mastery: 90 days + success !

    Had sex with several beautiful women in the past months so i guess things are going in the right direction

    And to rectify last time I PMO/MO was on the 15th of May so I am already on day 67 :) :)
  3. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: Journey to Mastery: 90 days + success !

    Day 67

    Woke up 5:00 this morning work out
    My question of the day is what do you think about this quote? "Happiness is only real when shared"

    I am asking this because I am evolving in what appears to be the right direction but can you really enjoy these steps if you (and people on this forum) are the only one to know about them ?
  4. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: Journey to Mastery and Happiness

    Day 68

    Wake up 5:15 morning run
    Work (mild blue balls)
    Looking at beautiful women in the eyes (even though some might say not to look at them I still do :) )
    Work out in the gym after work then go swimming
    Damn it feels good to have soooo much energy :)

    Kind of like going super sayan for the first time in a quarter century ahaha
  5. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: Training to become Super Sayan

    I love my life more than ever before (single for the first time in years) I am finally able to focus on loving myself which in our times is a luxury, having the money only to spend on what you love to do

    However I think femdom will always lurk somewhere in the back of my reptilian brain but i can def feel it weaken as I grow stronger and empowered :)

    anyone managed to get rid of a fetish 100%
  6. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: Training your mind

    No relapse so im still feeling quite strong but i have found myself viewing pictures of beautiful strong women so it feels like im cheating i wonder if my sexual tastes will one day mutate to weak feminine girls
  7. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: Training your mind

    Standing strong, going for morning HIIT runs every morning nowadays
  8. swedennofap

    swedennofap New Member

    Re: HAPPY

    Great journal, I usually dont have time to read or even write in my own journal this days...

    - working out
    - going out with friends
    - quitting alcohol altogether
    - being more conscious generally speaking (about the environment, my eating habits etc...)
    - making sure I have my vitamins, water intake, minerals, healthy fats
    - reading some awesome books and some inspirational journals here

    You get the point man! If you just let your pussy/loser part go away from you, which seems like is already in process you will do great!
    All the thing you mention you will do will end up you being healthier which means also more attractive, I dont know about your daily life but if you can get this habbits into your lifestyle you will as well do great progress at work or school (dedication and motivation!!!).

    About the femdom thing, I also like it rough sometimes, when the girls are doing nasty thing to me, before I was only able to get those fucked up girls who loved to be dominant because they were just complete fucked up person.
    This days, during my process I have started to learn to know a lot of nice girls which some of them are also willing to do nasty thing with me in bed, the biggest different is that this girls are not fucked up as a person. They just want to do this with me to make me happy (and I will do them happy), and not so that they can feel the power etc etc. fucked up stuff. You get the point?

    Still, what is your goal? short term and long term?
  9. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: HAPPY

    Well my goal is to put down the pussy from the pedestal ultimatly (for all of you who have seen 40 yo virgin ahaha)
    And for me no PMO is what has been the most effective, I still have moments of weakness but by living a more conscious life, I think it is possible to stay strong even around beautiful women

    Have been reading a bit of MGTOW litterature lately to get some varied insights of other people (even though I do not plan of becoming MGTOW for the rest of my life ^^), helped me to realize that the girls who do choose weak beta providers do not love their husbands, they despize them and are just using them for the ressources

    --> so i guess as I was craving lack of respect from women in the past (sexually), my journey today is reversing this whole paradigm and demanding respect, to give back respect and be able to enjoy having sex in the moment and not be so much in my head (when I was having sex in the past I was imagining porn scenarios which does not enable you to fully appreciate the sex imo)

    Active, healthy and non PMO does help a lot to feel 100% in control
  10. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: HAPPY

    I should also start doing more meditation I believe but I find it a bit boring

    --> again things that we don't like about ourselves are usually just symptoms and I believe meditation will help me go and heal deeper :)

    "happiness is only real when shared" --> imo probably not if you can be at peace with yourself

    Went out this WE, it was fun seeing my friends getting drunk while staying sober :)
  11. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: HAPPY

    oh and following what diet that had been mentionned I am currently bulking up (minimizing fat % increase in my body to a minimum of course) but am aiming to create 9 kg of muscle in the year to come

    It ain't easy for hard gainers like me, on the other hand cutting (bodybuilding term to loose body fat) has been a piece of cake in the past
  12. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: HAPPY

    The other night, was physically teased by a hot chick in a club
    Went home, busted a nut, no porn

    Now back on track as motivated as ever
  13. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: HAPPY

    Oh and it's funny how the days after busting a nut, you get more cravings, can't wait for flatline again ahaha
  14. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: HAPPY

    Stopped counting how long it s been since last PMO, 6 months a least id say, it's a good sign

    Am less obsessed by women than before am able to look everyone in the eye,

    Erections are rock hard

    got injured, so I miss going hard in the gym as last month :(
  15. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: HAPPY

    Relapsed today after several months of being strong,
    Am beginning to wonder if by brain is ever going to be "rewired" and that other stuff would arouse me as much but I am starting to doubt it

    Kinda lost...

    Funny thing is I actually don't like dominant girls in real life because I am a dominant man in social interactions

    Anyone relates?
  16. vivalasvegas

    vivalasvegas Member

    Re: HAPPY

    Sending you positive vibes after your relapse

    You had an amazing run.

    I'm a femdom addict and I have no idea if it will ever go away completely. What I do know is I will vow to stay away from PMO forever. When I don't use almost every aspect of my life improves. My eye contact, confidence, respect from others, looks from girls, erections and most importantly my happiness skyrockets in a matter of days away from porn , especially femdom.

    I've never made it 6 months wow

    Get back on the horse and keep it going!

    I relapsed and have been on a downward spiral of relapses and more relapses the last month... it is very easy to get right back to where you were before you quit and it sucks. Stay clean and get your days back up.

    Your story is an inspiration to me

    Your question about liking dominant girls in real life ?! No, not me or at least not completely ... my girlfriend is opinionated and can be stubborn but all in all I am way more dominant in more of our lives together.. especially sexually . In bed she initiates sex but the minute she gives me the go ahead, I always take the dom role, also in social situations I am the one doing more taking and controlling more conversations in public and private. So in answer to your question , I like femdom porn but its just a fantasy that I probably wouldn't enjoy for very long in real life.
  17. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: HAPPY

    Thanks Vivalasvegas, no I probably wouldn't enjoy that in real life either,

    It is like logic has been turned over, because in life humans take desicions either to gain pleasure or to avoid pain (including psychological pain), but we who have slight masochist tendencies have associated both of them, according to Freud blablabla --> there are a lot of explanations on the net on why we are like that but no explanation on whether its possible to reverse it or not

    Had a second relapse today after reading a story,
    I realized when you go to places familiar to when you used to PMO (I don't consider myself addicted as I often go many weeks/months before a relapse), then the triggers are more powerful

    Linked with classical conditioning I've heard that some people rewire by orgasming to new (normal) fantasies ... which I tried last year without much success ... am still wondering if it might work long term or not

    I have changed my diet recently trying to loose body fat... check out the ketogenic diet for more energy

    Anyways back to day 0 technically (I don't feel sorry for myself, I should focus on making other people have fun)

    Days like these I am contemplating "going my own way" but deep down I know it's a cowards choice:
  18. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: Vanilla Dream

    The very next day after posting this celibacy video (I was thinking of going through with it and would have), the hottest date I've ever had, amazing sex ...

    So I'm seeing her again this WE, only thoughts about her no more P images (or very little) but I am still " afraid" that I will fall in the pattern I had with my ex girlfriends (that I act submissive, give them all the control so that they don't respect me anymore and give me the FD high), what's more women DO NOT want the control !

    I shall enjoy my time with her and make sure I don't fall into this trap, but the conversation of "what turns you on" is bound to happen, should I be honest about my journey ????
  19. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: Vanilla

    Had sex about 10 times during the WE, don't know if that's very healthy either ...
  20. Doctormountain

    Doctormountain New Member

    Re: Vanilla

    My god, since I have this new GF I have started PMO again
    It's bad, when I am around her I'm thinking of sex non stop, and when she's away, I feel the urge to PMO whenever I have the slight trigger, usually after being on the phone with her

    Bramachari was maybe the best idea but is it realistic ?

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