Married, new here but very old user.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Wolf333, Apr 11, 2021.

  1. Solanum

    Solanum New Member

    Hi Wolf333!
    I just joined and am recently discovering porn addiction, but I really wanted to write a short reply!

    First of all, thanks for sharing all your progress and thoughts, this helps me a lot more understanding Porn addiction, and it helps knowing we are not alone

    Second, congrats on your progress, even if there was a relapse. I am impressed by all that you have to go through with family, pressure etc. And still that you were able to maintain such a long streak!

    I can only wish you the best for your second run!!!

    When you first started this post, you asked people whether they talked to their wives about it, but I didn't see any feedback on that so I'll share my story, hope it might help.

    a bit of context: I am way behind you. I have only recently stopped looking at porn (less than a month maybe), and have only discovered porn addiction maybe 3 weeks ago?
    I am European (sorry for my English), not religious.
    I agree with you, masturbation is not a problem and I believe no one should feel ashamed to do it in private! I also 100% believe everyone should know their body, and your testicular cancer experience shows how important it is to examine your body!!!

    To answer your question : yes, I have talked to my wife about it, but I have told her step by step. I didn't just come up one day and say "hey I'm a porn addict, and this is all the extreme videos I have been looking at" :p
    But talking to her was probably the best idea I had. She has been EXTREMELY supportive, and I think I have fallen in love with her even more than when I first met her or when we got married.

    To explain my story : I basically had problems with my wife in bed (mainly I believed we didn't have enough sex) I confronted her multiple times about it, telling her how I wished she would not turn me down or find an excuse everytime I would try to initiate sex

    One night after she turned me down, I read some subreddit r/deadbedrooms and part of the book "no more mister nice guy" which made me realize the problem might actually come from me.

    So I talked to her about it the next day. We had a very long talk, both cried about it, but we never yelled at each other so I wouldn't call it an argument.

    Then I discovered r/nofap which didn't really resonate within me and then r/pornfree and especially a guy saying how porn was artificially raising his libido and then he would be frustrated not having sex with his wife and then he would go watch some more porn etc. (Downward spiral)

    Anyway I am therefore trying to reduce my porn usage. So far I have looked at porn images (not videos) 2 times since last month.
    I am sometimes feeling urges but when that happens I try to talk to my wife about it, without over pressuring her. My urges happen two or three times a week and I try to talk to my wife about it only once a week.

    I have slowly started telling her that I would watch porn once or twice a day before. She knew that I would occasionally watch porn but didn't know it was THAT frequent.

    Last night I told her some types of videos I would watch, just to explain that it has distorted my view of women. For example I used to love watching depthroat videos, but at the same time I realized that it could be disrespectful of women.

    Anyway just wanted to say that sometimes it's good to talk to her. I found in my case its a good way to remove stress just as you do by writing on this forum.

    Please keep in mind we are European so maybe more open to sex. My wife has been very supportive. She won't pressure me about my progress, She is very trustful. But since I told her I believe I have a porn addiction she sees that I'm in need of help, and she is helping me when I talk to her about it. Even though these are very, very hurtful discussions for her. (Which is why I love her so much, she is being so understanding and loving and supportive )

    What about you Wolf333? It seems like you have problems with your family and you are trying to get rid of all the negative/abusive relationships they had with you. But you never talked about your wife so I assume she is helping you with this? She seems like a supportive wife.

    Keep it up!
    Wolf333 and Babylonier like this.
  2. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    @Babylonier you are the best! It totally makes sense about the anxiety feeling. That's the most troublesome part of this whole thing for me. Just resetted my counter also. Keep it up!
    Babylonier likes this.
  3. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Hey @Solanum !!! Thanks for sharing, what a nice reply.

    So I don't have issues with my wife now but the situation with my family, parents and siblings, is very stressful and I don't want to add to that so I thought I could solve it on my own. We tell each other everything so I feel bad of not telling. After reading you and when the time comes, I might tell her. There is some tension about intimacy also and she feels pressure anytime I bring up the subject so now might not be the best time.

    I was replied on other threads about it, I'll try to look them up and mention you.

    Good luck with your journey!!!
  4. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Hey guys,

    Siblings and parents are being very hard on me; mom doesn't speak to me; I broke my phone, dishwasher and car; a neighbor hit me; my dog is sick.

    I feel I can't think or take decisions because of the amount of stress, anxiety and financial problems. It will soon get solved but I'm not having a great time. So some M but still no P. It's frustrating to fail at a goal but I'm not stressing any further right now.

    I'll try again soon. Thanks for reading.

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