Married, new here but very old user.

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Wolf333, Apr 11, 2021.

  1. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Hi. So new and only beginning to understand the problem.

    I started finding porn with a parabolic antenna tv, long before internet and very young, maybe 11 or 12. Every media ever since. The urge to find porn is hard to control. I have lived with mind fog and depression most of my life maybe related to this problem. I also had anorgasmia for some time but that was related to antidepressants. I was prescribed many different and they all hurt me. In my opinion, men shouldn't use them. Not sexism, they just hurt my reproductive system very much. I have girl friends and family who have a good experience with them and I'm the only guy I know who took them. Why did I kept on trying? Suicidal thoughts have been a constant life companion to say the least. The thing is I am sure in my case anorgasmia was related to them, not porn.

    I do not agree with the general opinion here about masturbation to be honest. I think it is healthy and natural. It is important to know your body, your likes and dislikes. The problem begins with abuse of your body. You can't stop eating just because you have extra weight, you just need to learn how to eat well... and enjoy it!

    I hope I'm not too old now. 39, happily married with one child hoping to have more. My wife had post partum depression and intimacy has been an issue, so I went back to porn. Pandemic, financial and social stress are not helping. Question for married guys: have any of you talked to your wife about this? How did that work? Should I? She knows everything about me, I love her, we are great together but I'm ashamed to tell.

    No P or M starting today. Wish me luck.
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  2. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Hi Snail333,

    welcome aboard!
    I wouldn't necessarily disagree but nevertheless I want to challenge your belief as I cannot fully follow your train of thought here: How can a 10-12 year old who has just discovered how to masturbate and who is not exposed to porn find out his sexual preferences by masturbating and gain knowledge about them? How are you, being 39 years old, gaining further insights about your sexual likes and dislikes by masturbating? I would be really curious to know because I fear that I had blinders on all my life :p

    One of the porn industry's main arguments pro porn is that when you watch porn, you will find out your true sexual tastes and that you will learn to enjoy them fully. Did porn or masturbation help you in this particular field, or would you say you rather developed unnatural fetishes because of it? Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to diss you in any way, and I'm no advocate for missionary only with lights turned out solely for the purpose of procreation; it's just the case - at least for me - that many ideas will manifest in your mind when your are exposed to porn for years and years which are neither innate nor natural.

    Why am I annoying you with all this? Because, in my mind, true recovery from porn induced problems includes the dismantling of misconception that one has about healthy sex.

    Take care and good luck on your journey! :)
     
    chrism likes this.
  3. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Hey Pete, thanks for writing. It's feels great to know someone cares and that I am not just babling w myself :)

    I never said I found my sexual preferences by masturbating or that I'm "gaining further insights about sexual likes and dislikes" now either. Nevertheless you are right, I didn't explain myself carefully enough. I do want to quit M and P after reading people here. Here are my reasons.

    So most of us are here because masturbation is causing us health and mental problems. But let's analyze thoroughly. Is masturbation bad or harmful by itself? There are people struggling with the opposite: they are afraid of sex because they have never touched thier genitals in order to feel pleasure. That is a real problem, more common in women. They feel detached from their body and can't have meaningful relationships. There is extensive research and literature about it. Their solution is to masturbate and they don't even know how to start!!! To explore and enjoy themselves. What is wrong with that? It is as finding out your favourite ice cream, you know it is your favourite because you tried enough.

    Masturbation by itself is not harmful or bad. It's how we relate to our body and mind that is harmful. Most of us here are like someone who eats too much or exercises too much. Eating and exercising aren't bad by themselves but done wrongly can even get you killed! Sure we are hurting ourselves but no one has died of masturbating. We need to relate with our body in a better way, including masturbation. It is part of the human experience even if avoided because even then you are deciding on it, it is in your mind, it has always been available and will always be. It can be positive or negative but it will never go away.

    On the other hand, porn, specially today's consumption of high speed internet streaming of videos of any imaginable use and abuse of the human body for "pleasure" is not natural and has never happened before. The single most alleviating thing I have found in this forum is that I am not alone on watching sicker and nastier stuff each time even though I'd never do any of it. I've been feeling like a criminal alone for years. I'm so thankful to all the people that has written about it here, it was a huge weight for me. So I agree with you, the porn industry's arguments are a fallacy. Human beings have never needed porn to know who they are and what they want. Each human mind knows and is creative enough to have a healthy happy sexual experience. This forum is proof that porn is hurting us badly. I agree with you also that "ideas will manifest in your mind when your are exposed to porn for years and years which are neither innate nor natural" but masturbation is both and though they are related they are not the same.

    Finally, I do not know what you mean by "dismantling of misconception that one has about healthy sex" but I hope you understand sex can be not only healthy but also fun, rewarding and wonderful and that it is essential.

    It wasn't annoying at all. ;)
     
  4. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    So finishing day 1 and having a little hard time. I'm writing this hoping that the m urge goes away. I was reading threads here but my mind keeps asking me to m so i can go to sleep. Many times i need it to be able to go to sleep, so sad to admit, anyone else? I have been m many times a day for a while so, shamefully, it has been a hard day.

    The most have done was 7 times once. Reading myself feels depressing. But, at least I'm not m nor getting my hands near.

    Try to sleep now, hands under ear.
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  5. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Hiya!

    The thing about writing this feeling depressing, I get it. But I think it gets easier with time, and it can be freeing to be at least able to communicate what is happening, and be able to not be too ashamed to tell it to people here.

    Give it some time. And welcome.
     
  6. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Hey Dark, thanks! Makes it a whole lot easier to know I can write what I'm feeling somewhere no matter how bad I feel about it and someone actually cares :) Day 2 is looking good !
     
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    I can relate. I don't believe I do actually need it to sleep, it's just a bad habit. What's helped me the most: 1) I found myself in the position where I have multiple jobs. I'm a night owl so I use the time to be productive and make some bank. P can become not just an aid to fall asleep, but an avoidance tactic for my work as well. I find if I can just get started on my work, usually my momentum takes me to crack on through for a couple hours, to where I'm tired enough to fall asleep no problem. 2) What about the nights where I don't work? Rest times are absolutely essential. If I'm too tired to work, I ty to remind myself that just about anything is better than using PMO to fall asleep. Selective Netflix, choice YouTube channels and TED talks, a glass of whiskey, some COD/gaming, audiobook or great music in the headphones to drift off to sleep... the world is our oyster for legitimate things to enjoy. Also rather than picking up my device I've sometimes got real close with my wife, "spooning", far better for us and actually more enjoyable than turning to P. 3) Prayer. I don't know if you are religious. I sometimes say a word of prayer specifically in that moment where the fam has gone to bed and the opportunity to PMO presents itself.
     
  8. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Good ones. Lying without going to sleep drives me crazy. Working is not an option because my brain is really exhausted at the end of the day. I try reading because I never have time to read and then thinking of P never lets me concentrate on my reading. I'm religious in theory only, haha, it would be a good thing to try to pray again. Writing here or netflix are my best options. Thanks for writing :)
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  9. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Hey guys.

    Day 3, dreamt of browsing for P. I've had erotic dreams were nakedness, touching or flirting are involved, very sweet dreams most of them. It was nothing like that. There was a screen and I was desperately browsing. I was attached to that screen. That's it. It didn't feel good or bad. Thinking of it makes me feel sad and really helps me picture myself as an addict. How much energy and time has been wasted? Hopefully it is a sign of recovery. I'll use the image during this process to remember I don't want to be that person.

    Today six years ago I had a testicle removed because I had a tumor. Thanks to that I am not only alive and healthy, I never needed chemos or any treatment. I need to write it here to celebrate and to tell you, touching my balls frequently saved my life and can save yours. Testicular tumors are common between ages 15 and 35 but can appear aferwards. I know you are trying not to reach that area but I want to insist on what I said in my opening post: it is important to know your body. We are in a big battle here but cancer is a bigger one. I don't want to discourage you on your quest here bit make my point again that masturbating is part of knowing your body. Touching yourself and knowing your body is necessary, important and enjoyable and it does not imply masturbation. You have to shower guys, just don't stimulate and don't O if you don't want to. The war is against porn, not your body. I know this makes it more difficult but having this information it would be irresponsible not to spread it.

    Thanks for reading :)
     
  10. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    If you have trouble falling asleep, get a (physical, paper) notebook, or just some paper and write when you can't sleep. Subject isn't super important, I guess. Tends to make me feel very tired and fall asleep, maybe give it a try. No idea as to why it works.
     
    Rudolf Geyse and Wolf333 like this.
  11. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Thanks dark! I'll give it a try.
     
  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Active Member

    The question that haunts me. Enough is too much.
     
    Wolf333 likes this.
  13. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Hey guys day 5 update, good so far. I have urge whenever I'm not busy, thankfully I have been very busy. Lunch break now, not busy, urge but chose to write here. It's hard sometimes but I think I'm doing good. Beach trip tomorrow, very excited, might be harder. Food arrived, I'll write tomorrow, let's stay strong!
     
    Shady likes this.
  14. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Yeah, feels awful but there's nothing we can do about it. Yesterday I had dinner with a whimhoff enthusiast. I didn't tell this problem but my general anxiety. He told me the vision in wh is that anxiety is worrying about the future and depression about the past but you can't control them, you can only control now. Sounds like an amazing meditation, he convinced me to look for the next course! At least the philosophy applies to many stuff I'm dealing with, including this. Thanks for writing :)
     
  15. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Hey guys so I'm in day 10 and good so far. I decided I want to get rid of porn altogether, it is embarrassing specially being a father and I need to be an example for my boy. I found a new issue this weekend at the beach. There were very attractive women there and I realized at how I (used to) look at them. It might be or not part of the problem but I think it is part of the mindset: that would or wouldn't F them attitude if you have it is as shameful as porn, except if you are single in which case you should go find out if they are interested too, not just stare. It is inevitable to notice but I didn't stare and stopped that train of thought consciously.

    Kind of shame to admit too but it's what is done here. Helps me picture myself again and work on the person I want to be, hope it helps someone here too :)
     
    Pete McVries likes this.
  16. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Just when I was beginning to think this wouldn't be so hard, yesterday was crazy hard for me. I had a beer to calm down. It worked but I find it shameful. This isn't aa so I'm still good. I just don't want that to become a problem again, it was a long time ago, over a decade, and it was hard as hell to get out.

    Beginning day 12 with more respect to the process and more admiration to the people accomplishing their goals here. Going nuts with urge right now, it really feels like your brain wants to take the reins! Let's see who is in command.

    So many stories here helping me. Thanks for reading and writing.
     
    Pete McVries likes this.
  17. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Day 15 feels like a 1000. Still good but time adds extra difficulty. Send good vibes!
     
  18. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Day 16. This wasn't intended to be a journal. I try to let days pass but when the urge comes writing here helps. It's a struggle each day. Still good, thanks for reading. Any comments or replys would mean a lot.
     
  19. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Well you ruined that one for yourself, my dude. Hows your mental health developing? You mentioned suicidal stuff in your initial post (relatable shit, lamentably :3 ). That still an issue for you? Good, bad, swiss?
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2021
  20. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Hey Dark! I know, here dealing w an urge and writing again day 17 almost done!

    Suicidal thoughts have been with me most of my life related to how my family has abused of me emotionally. In short, I am victim from a tribal narcissistic dynamic. I won't get into it because it might be boring, trust me, it's hell. Thanks to many years of treatment, my loving wife and my life coach, I have been able to spot it and deal with it. It is very painful.

    PMO was not the reason for the suicidal thoughts, it was a tool, the only escape I found to that nightmare. Now I am aware I was only making it worse! I had anxiety attacks and only M helped me calm down. It wasn't even pleasurable most times! I was too young, alone, confused and just needed it to stop the panic attacks sometimes or to be able sleep. I M 7 times one day. I used to sneaked into my parents room and looked for porn channels on their parabolic antenna! It was mischief in the beginning but I remember even feeling I needed it after a while. I actually became good at "stealing" that content. It's clear to me I became addicted to P now but I wasn't aware for many years. I thought with the internet, everyone did it. Only thing I was afraid of was someone finding out I was a creep looking for very nasty stuff.

    Sports have helped me a lot. A chapter of a sports podcast I heard to recently was titled "Is P ruining your performance?" and after listening and doing some research, I found YBRB :)

    The pandemic made me realize a lot of stuff happening within my family and it accelerated our dynamic. I am clear now what I need to do. I am no longer talking to my sister who I deeply love and keeping distance from my parents. So with all this added pain this year, the thoughts came back. I have a kid now so suicide is out of the question but it's the same feeling. In a way, I am grateful to covid because it made me realize what I need to do to get out of the abuse.

    2021 is still going to be a tough year because I will close a many painful cycles but I am excited for the future for the first time, I see myself clearly free very soon, including free of P.

    Dark, it helped me very much to write all this. Thanks for caring and writing. I am worried you feel related though. Are you having thoughts? Do you relate them to P addiction? Let me know if I can help. You are important, I am here for you.

    For anyone reading, maybe P is an escape for you too and the real problem is deeper. If you also feel related I'd be happy to help. I have been to nearly 20 years of therapy all specialties: psychologist, psychiatrist, self help courses and now life coaching for around 8 years including esoteric techniques (I am a very down to earth evidence-guided engineer who doesn't know how I got into that but, trust me, it genuinely helped me). I am NOT a therapist but my experience can help you evaulate your current state and your next steps!

    Thanks for reading. Keep it up!
     

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