Married for 13 years with NO sexlife. What is the point of fapstinence for me?

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Faptastic, May 23, 2012.

  1. Faptastic

    Faptastic Fapulous Cum Laude

    Yeah, the thing is with her now is that she actually has quit seeking other guys altogether and she is very much into me (and in love with me). She is very affectionate and there is no doubt she wants me (and wants to work things out to spend the rest of the life with me).

    The main big problem in our life right now is the complete and utter lack of sex, and I see no solution to it other than fapping by myself.
  2. Faptastic

    Faptastic Fapulous Cum Laude

    Thanks for the video, it was interesting. I took up psychology for a year in college, and it really tought me to look for things in people (and her) that I probably wouldn't be aware of otherwise.
    As a matter of fact, I'm 99% sure I have self-diagnosed my wife with Borderline Personality Disorder - even though I have never dared mentioned this to her, so she doesn't know she has it.
    (IF that is what it is)

    I did a lot of reading about this a while back, and most descriptions of BPD match my wife pretty damn close.
    Like these symptoms:
    (Basically describes her in a nutshell)

    I used to have low self-esteem, but it has become stronger over the years and I am confident now that I could leave her if it got out of control again. The kids are older too, so it becomes more feasible than it was in the past.

    But as far as my fapping "addiction" (if you can call it that, seeings how it's my ONLY sexual outlet), I find it very hard to justify quitting it. And that's why I'm here I figure SOMETHING out, lol...
  3. Visage

    Visage New Member


    You are young man, my marriage was sexless towards the end, she was very sexual but I had ED (and to be honest we had grown apart) so we got divorced.

    This comment is interesting

    Well, to be fair - there has been occasions where she has "given up" because I couldn't get hard (BECAUSE of my brain started thinking too hard about it, and things from the past, etc). So she got frustrated of course. But other than those very few occassions - the times when we could have had sex, it simply can't happen because she is exhausted/tired, or family's around.

    Could it be the case that she avoids the chance, as she has picked up on the fact that you think about the past (and it induces ED), that would be a huge guilt trip and not an experience she would want to repeat as it brings up the very thing you/she says she regrets.

    Personally, I think if your marriage is like this, what will it be like in 20years? That is a question only you need to answer to yourself. Personally I would be out, out like a shot. There are plenty of other loving women out there that will love you 'properly'
  4. Faptastic

    Faptastic Fapulous Cum Laude

    I hear you, and sometimes this was the case (a while back). Now she is literally too tired though, and I know she is not faking that. She will fall asleep sometimes after eating dinner, snore, etc. Go to bed at like 9pm and be asleep 30 mins later, etc. While I'm left by myself with VERY tempting porn and free time to fap....

    I hear what you're saying, and if I was someone on the outside - I would probably give myself the same advice (lol).
    I asked myself many times if I am pissing my life away. It pains me to know there are SO many women out there who probably gladly would hop in the sack with me, and I could have had tons of fun the past years - but again this is extremely limited by my lack of opportunity. I feel I'm growing bitter... :)
  5. drealm

    drealm New Member

    I'm going to be blunt here. A wife whom doesn't offer sex should allow her husband to go to prostitutes. If it was me I'd tell whomever I was dating that if they don't offer me sex within X days I'll be going to a prostitute.
  6. xman

    xman New Member

    I think you're a masochist 8)

    Or demand it be an open marriage.
  7. Visage

    Visage New Member

    Then you need to remove what ever the limiting factor is. Make no mistake, you have one life and you need to take ownership of it, or you will get bitter. Do no think about the past years and missed opportunities, that is futile and is the cause of your bitterness, the only thing you can change is the now and the future, or you can repeat the same cycle in 10years but just ten fold your bitterness. Time is ticking, you are still young, but you don't have that long (i only say that as i'm about the same age). Your whole situation is so bad that it drives you to porn, that says a lot. You are a slave to the woman and a slave to the porn, I feel for you bro...something's gotta give if you want to be happy.
  8. Faptastic

    Faptastic Fapulous Cum Laude

    You know.. she has brought this up several times. When we have had arguments or when she's upset or down, she will blurt out "go ahead and have your fun" "sleep around" "I dont give a shit" "I dont care".

    And that all SOUNDS good in theory.
    But knowing her, I know it cause me a LOT of problems if she ever found out (and yes even though she did it to me!). At other times she will joke about the hell I would face if I ever actually did....
    Women aren't logical like us men. They say shit all the time that they don't even think through or mean. Her saying I can go ahead and sleep around as much as I want doesn't mean jack - when her inner mind doesn't even mean it. And she knows deep down it would cause HUGE problems.

    But my biggest hindrance is the logistics of it all. The way we live, around each other 24/7 isnt healthy either. With the exception of a family visit one time, the longest I have ever been away from her in 13 years has probably been like 8 hours (no joke) when I helped a friend pack and move. I literally never get any time or chance to even think about meeting other girls.

    So it all comes down to my "girlfriends" on my harddrive.... :(
    Which, give me pleasure AND occasionally make me sad. Sad that I feel like I will never get to have or do what I see and I am only getting older.
  9. Faptastic

    Faptastic Fapulous Cum Laude

    You are very right about me needing to remove the limiting factor. I realize my limiting factor is her. But breaking up a marriage and family that is (now) for the most part doing soo good - just for the sake of my own sexual pleasures would be outright crazy.

    Thanks for the advice on trying to ignore the past. Now that - is waaaay harder than quitting PMO will ever be, because I'm the type of person who tends to dwell on the past a lot....Lol... I know bitterness is gonna kill me, and I HAVE to look forward.

    In the context of masturbation and porn - my goal will be to figure out if I can somehow break that mold and change my lifestyle with my wife in a way that opens up her eyes for her to see that I have needs that are not met.

    Oh and btw, as detailed in my new journal here - I broke my fap-free streak a week ago but it felt good. Had been depressed without my fapping but felt better after. Now its been a week and I am getting depressed again. A good fap would feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooo good.

    Must. Not. Fap. And. Must. Justify. Why. Not.
  10. xman

    xman New Member

    I highly highly recommend you read the book 'no more, mr nice guy'.... I think you'll see yourself in those pages.
  11. DoneAtLast

    DoneAtLast Active Member

    You know he was last active eight years ago, right...?
  12. Dave858

    Dave858 New Member

    Haha, I dunno how I ended up on this thread. I usually use computer but I logged on w my phone. Thanks for the heads up

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