Married for 13 years with NO sexlife. What is the point of fapstinence for me?

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Faptastic, May 23, 2012.

  1. Faptastic

    Faptastic Fapulous Cum Laude

    Hey everyone,
    I'm new to this place and only discovered the YBOP site and concepts yesterday. Having watched the videos and done some reading, I have done some serious thinking regarding my years of porn watching and fapping.

    But... I feel like I am in a different boat than most of the other guys I read about here.
    It seems that the YBOP videos are mostly discussing SINGLE men, or men who are trying/going in and out of different relationships.

    I also get the impression that most guys on these no-fap forums, blogs, and Reddit are 99% single, younger guys.

    My situation is different - and it makes me feel torn on what to do... Here is why:

    My background
    I'm 39 years old and married. I was (sadly) a late bloomer in life sexually speaking, as I despised partying and drinking (which at the time, I seriously believed was the ONLY way to get laid). Keep in mind - this before the time of PUA forums. Wished those had existed back then... In my teens and 20's I fully believed that the only guys who got laid so much was either A) hunks and jocks, B) drunk guys, or C) "extremely lucky" guys who got to do porn or could pay for a hooker. But I didn't want to do any of those things. So I stayed home for years playing computer games and ignoring my friends constant nagging to get me to have a social life (and boy do I regret that now!!). Naturally, I discovered porn early on and was hooked. It was my only way of release at the time.

    I then met the love of my life at age 25 over the internet. We met in real life after only 5 months, and I lost my virginity the same day (Lol). Fast forward one year, and we were married and already had one kid (the one we conceived on that first date...again: Lol)

    That was 13+ years ago. I am still married to the same wife, although my sex life, still consisting of only PMO, sadly has not changed.

    Why I'm married and still fap 4-5 times a week
    I love my wife with all of my heart. However, there is one BIG issue... We have never really had a sex-life. We have sex maybe 2-3 times A YEAR, and this is NOT because of me. She has physical problems that make her constantly tired, and she goes to sleep around 8-9pm before our kids even do. Daytime sex is out of the question too, as her libido is nonexistent due to physical reasons. Yes, she has tried treatments but nothing has helped.

    On top of all this - she has had multiple physical and non-physical affairs (long story) with me over the years, with the first one being the most devastating for me emotionally. We had a common "friend" that she decided to sleep with for several months until I finally found out. They never used protection, had sex in our baby's room while I was gone, etc. etc. It was horrible, and I am still emotionally scarred to this day from it with nightmares, etc. I have never fully forgiven her, but I have been able to put it *somewhat* behind me. She has apologized and I trust her now more than ever. She really has changed in that sense.

    But...those affairs have also at times caused me to have ED related problems in bed...those very FEW times when we have tried to have sex over the years. She then blames it on me, my porn (which she knows about but doesn't like too much), or my fapping (which she also has said I can do).

    Sorry for the long rant here by the way, but I needed to get this off my chest.

    I guess my question for now would be:
    What would quitting the fapping actually benefit someone in my shoes? I don't believe it's directly causing any ED issues, as most of that is related to my thoughts about her past. Also - I am very strongheaded and know for a fact I could quit the porn cold turkey. But quitting the fapping cold turkey is VERY difficult when it is my only way to prevent a slow death-by-blueballs. I am still horny every day like most guys and I fantasize about pretty much EVERY female I see, ages 18-60 (except morbidly obese or fugly ones). Besides, it's not like fapstinence is gonna help me get any of these chicks. I'm already married...

    Because - in my case, my fantasies, porn, and fapping IS my sexlife. Her and I have both given up on trying to have a normal sexlife, so what is a fapper to do? Just quit - and have NO sexual outlets for the rest of my life? That doesnt' seem right either. And I know what some of you are going to say, because I have heard it all before: "...sounds like you guys need some couple therapy or maybe consider changing breaking up.....". Nope, that isn't gonna happen. For one, she absolutely refuses to seek any form of such help, AND we still love each other and our wonderful kids WAY too much to ever break it up.

    I can see the benefits of fapstinence for guys who are single and in need of a change so they can meet real women.

    Over the years I have grown VERY bitter and angry at myself for not enjoying my single days more. I wish so bad I could rewind 20 years, and tell my young self to LIVE LIFE. Fuck around, have fun, party, enjoy it all. I didn't know that it would be like this.

    Thanks for listening / reading... Feels good to vent. What are your thoughts?
    tushar70001 likes this.
  2. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Hey! Welcome to the forum!

    There are many benefits from quitting.

    Porn numbs your reward system and fucks up your dopamine levels. This means that life is less enjoyable when you're on porn.

    And when you combine quitting with regular exercise, you will feel incredible, trust me.

    Regarding your marriage, are you engaging in daily bonding behaviors with your wife?

    Read this:

    By the way, there are plenty of married guys in this forum. Many of them have a similar story to yours. Check out the journal section, or better yet, start your own journal.

    Give it a try, you got nothing to lose!

    And don't underestimate the power of bonding behaviors. It might not revive her libido, but it will help your relationship tremendously.
  3. itsallforher

    itsallforher New Member

    I'm kind of confused. You say you can only have sex 2-3 times a year because she has no libido during the day and goes to sleep early, but yet she was sleeping with a friend of yours for months? Something isn't adding up in that story. Are you sure your ED problems aren't the reason you have no sex life? My girlfriend and I had problems and she said it was her that was the reason we weren't having sex, but once she was finally honest with me it was because she got tired of the ED problems when we did have sex and just gave up.

    I think you're a good candidate for a reboot. If you're as strong minded as you say you are, it can't hurt to try for 3-4 months. The benefits aren't just sexual. You'll feel better in every way.
  4. Azrael

    Azrael Guest

    This. Finding a self-sustaining happiness, one that's increasingly independent from outside factors, is the benefit of quitting.

    Her physical problems sound like a painfully obvious excuse to me when you also bring up the affairs.
  5. Onanymous

    Onanymous Living in the real world now

    This is a really good question, Faptastic.

    On the one hand, a valid argument could be made that if you are married, not willing to cheat, and your wife doesn't want sex, then porn is an acceptable and perhaps even necessary outlet.

    On the other hand, you are here. Clearly there is something unsatisfying about your current situation. Otherwise, why would you even be wondering about your porn use?

    It's almost like you're trying to find a reason to stop, because at some level you know you want to stop.

    I would guess your ED is related to porn, at least partly. You have probably ejaculated to porn exponentially more than with a real-life partner for years now. You have trained your brain to believe that porn is sex, and so it doesn't respond to what it thinks is a non-sexual scenario in real life.

    But so what? If you prefer jerking off to porn regularly versus having sex three times a year, then it is more important to get it up for porn than it is to get it up for your wife.

    But is that the choice? Is it really a choice between a fapping habit and extremely infrequent sex with an unenthusiastic partner?

    It may not be. Plenty of guys in your position have discovered that they can revive their marriages in a very similar way to how single guys discovered Game. Like you say, you never had the PUA stuff to help you before. But the principles still apply. Game isn't just about "getting" the girl. It's really about what women truly want and how to be a full man.

    "Relationship Game" is one term used to describe using the principles of game to revive and sustain the flame of attraction. If you don't like the idea of "gaming" your wife, choose another term. Because it's really about changing your own behaviors and beliefs for the better, not manipulation of another person.

    Check out these sites:

    You'll see that plenty of married men who had uninterested wives learned to change things for the better. They learned to improve themselves, and that changed their wives' attitudes.

    And you are in a very good position to do this. It sounds like your wife is committed to the marriage already, so you aren't in a panicky damage-control mode.

    I think the best reason to quit watching porn is to get yourself into better shape for a deeper, more fulfilling relationship with your wife. But you'll have to do more than just quit watching porn.
  6. Faptastic

    Faptastic Fapulous Cum Laude

    Thanks! :)

    I get that it fucks up dopamine levels, and I think the main reason I want to try fapstinence is that I don't like knowing that my brain is not in its "normal setting". I have always stayed away from anything that has the potential to mess up my body. Has nothing to do with religion or anything. But I have never ever been drunk or even tried smoking either. To now learn that porn/fapping can change my brain chemistry is what triggered me to perhaps take some action (because I honestly didn't feel like the fapping/porn was a problem at all)

    And I do regularly exercise already and think I feel pretty good as it is. But maybe I could feel even better, I dunno.

    Oh we have definitely been doing this for years! We are a very loving couple, and extremely cuddly. Probably more than most couples out there. Several nights a week we rub and massage each other, and hug and kiss a lot during the day. Sex just can't happen...
    We also very much feel like we are in love - like we have been since day one. Nothing feels wrong about the marriage....again..EXCEPT for the lack of sex.

    Thanks for the tip, I will definitely give it a shot! :)
    As far as other married guys, yeah I know I'm not the only one - but what I have read so far seems to be married guys who themselves have been the cause of the problem in the marriage. I feel different because I am not the cause of the lack of sex, and she wishes she could fix it too but can't.
  7. Faptastic

    Faptastic Fapulous Cum Laude

    Let me clarify this.. The affairs happened many years ago. The first (really bad) one happened in 2001. The other two were less severe, with the last one being 6 years ago. Her and I have had many a long conversations about this since, and she has shown deep regret and remorse for her past actions. Also - around 2007 is when her physical problems became more prominent. Trust me, she isn't faking it. The symptoms are real, and I have sat with her in the doctor's office when we have discussed them.

    Well, to be fair - there has been occasions where she has "given up" because I couldn't get hard (BECAUSE of my brain started thinking too hard about it, and things from the past, etc). So she got frustrated of course. But other than those very few occassions - the times when we could have had sex, it simply can't happen because she is exhausted/tired, or family's around.
  8. Faptastic

    Faptastic Fapulous Cum Laude

    I know it can sound like that to an outsider, but trust me - they are not her excuses. These are real, physical issues. I have watched her try at least 8 different medications over the past 5 years, gone to doc's visits with her, etc., and nothing seems to work.
  9. forevergone

    forevergone New Member

    dudeee. how could you ever forgive her? i mean yeah if it happend one time if she was drunk or something, but to do it repeatedly for months thats awful =(
  10. arcanaut

    arcanaut New Member

    I have a not dissimilar situation. Getting any sexual interaction with my wife is almost possible, because of physical limitations, but when a long period of complete abstinence makes me a tiger, my wife can be convinced to give me a hand and let me cop a feel . . . and the resulting O is better (or can be) than 15+ years of fapping to pixels on a computer screen could ever be. Five minutes of magic! Of course, that "paltry" interaction won't do it for you, if you PMO every other day. But, trust me, it can be way awesome.

    But, even if it wasn't, I wouldn't go back. It didn't take me a month to realize how much better life is without P, M and O (except with the wife). Even if it only happens 2-3 times a year, IF it happens in a context of a PMO-free life, those three times will be better than 300+ times fappin' it solo all added together and served with cake. If you value quality over quantity, you're gonna go no-PMO.

    And if you can get it up for porn, and what your wife did doesn't bother you then, then the problem in the bedroom is not what the wife did, which you have forgiven her for, but the PMO. If you expect your quarterly "marital duties" schedule might be in two months, then try 60 days of no-PMO and see if ED is not as much of a problem when it comes time for your wife to interact with you. What do you have to lose? Nothing.

    Also, it's a big forking' waste of time, which you will see after you've stopped for a couple of weeks and come up with other stuff to do instead.

    This doesn't happen. There are folks on reuniting who practice karezza, and rarely if ever O. I couldn't imagine going two weeks without O last December (and hadn't gone more than that since I was in junior high school school 30 years ago), now I can go two months, and I suspect I will go more.

    And I get where you're coming from: I went two years without fooling' around with the woman who sleeps beside me every night, and used that identical justification. Doubt it will come to that again, as a loving wife can do something to help you out (even if it's a quick tug-and-pull in the closet, or with the door closed to the bedroom for five minutes) which will do more for you than you can possibly imagine right now . . . once you've got your sexual energy back, and aren't using it to fertilize pixels on your computer.

    But even if it's just 3 times a year, once you get over the myth of "death by blueballs" (look, I was a believer, too) and realize the only way out is through, those 3 times a year will be much, much better than all the jumping and serving to the whip crack of your lizard brain and your depleted dopamine receptors ever possibly could be.

    Dig deep on dopamine dysregulation and you'll see that avoiding "death-by-blueballs" is just an excuse—one handily provided to you by your depleted dopamine receptors and lizard brain to avoid kicking the addiction.
  11. arcanaut

    arcanaut New Member

    Got the same problem, too. In theory, an active libido can overcome exhaustion for long enough for the "act of procreation" . . . it's a matter of activating that libido. We will see how long it takes for O-abstinence to lead to activating the wife's libido in my case (if/when it happens, I'll let you know!). That's the theory I'm operating, under, anyway!

    However, even if it doesn't happen, I'd be doing it anyway at this point. Too many other benefits (and exposing too many "truths" I thought were true to be not true at all).
  12. Faptastic

    Faptastic Fapulous Cum Laude

    Like I mentioned dude: "I have never fully forgiven her, but I have been able to put it *somewhat* behind me."
    I think she has some kind of psychological imbalance, as we have had some real turbulent times throughout our years - all caused by her. Not claiming I'm perfect, and it takes two to tango. But in addition to having cheated on me, she has also tried to go out with girlfriends to meet guys off the internet, and one summer she spent a lot of time with a male "friend" who "so understanding of her". She even spent the night with him at his house but it was "innocent" and she "slept on his couch". The next day, my youngest son told me had seen them kissing. This was 6 years ago but still bugs the hell out of me to this day. One time, a childhood friend of mine showed me his new cellphone. I accidentally got into his address book, and low and behold - he had my wife's number in there...with a nickname that I call her by! Wtf...

    I can write a novel about all the shit she has done (and again, this is mostly 2-3 years ago) but it doesn't involve just affairs and mistrust. Our relationship actually got off on the wrong foot when she told me I may or may not be the father of our first son. She had supposedly been "raped" around the time we got pregnant (that week I lost my virginity to her). I soon discovered that she had been living with another guy the whole time, and his mom told me HE was her boyfriend, not me. Lol...

    Life with her has also dealt with lots of physical violence towards me. She has bent a tooth, kicked me in the nuts, I have had porcelain china thrown at me, and been beaten hard multiple times. I still have a bitemark on my upper arm from her teeth where she once broke skin...

    I felt the worst for the kids though, as she has yelled to me that she "wishes they weren't alive" (and they heard this), that they are retards, stupid fucks, and what not.

    BUT....these are thankfully rare occasions and MOST OF THE TIME, she is the sweetest and most loving wife. She has also calmed down a lot over the years with medication.
  13. Faptastic

    Faptastic Fapulous Cum Laude

    Joskin Nodd;
    Thank you very much for your posts and suggestions.

    However, I feel a bit different about all of this than you (and I feel most) here.
    You see, I really LOVE my fapping and it really does not take much time out of my life. For those arguing that "stop fapping, and you will find better things to spend your time on". Well guess what, even when I do fap, it only takes up 15 minutes of my day, honestly. I also always feel fresh and energized afterwards. I have some incredible orgasms every single time I fap, and I think that is why it is so addicting to me. It's like potato chips or swiss chocolate. It's so damn good you just want more. Besides, life's too short. :) It's quick, fun, and feels incredible.

    And besides, I feel life is too short to waste it on abstinence. Why should I withhold myself for those rare 2-3 moments of glory a year (which by the way, I NEVER know when they might happen next)? When I can at least know that I can get wonderful and beautiful orgasms a few times a week?

    But I am still torn... because I DO want to enjoy sex with the wife more. It's the lack of frequency that is the problem.
    It reminds me of a quote from the movie "Bucket List" with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. It goes something like: "Never waste a boner"

    By the way, I should start a journal. I have now gone around 10 days without fapping or porn, and we actually DID have sex last night. She was half asleep, but hey - I shouldn't complain right? :)
  14. Onanymous

    Onanymous Living in the real world now

    Honestly, faptastic, I'm wondering if your story might be a parody or hoax. Because it's just so over the top -- and your problems have nothing to do with porn.

    You describe being in a relationship with someone who has repeatedly lied to you (including about your paternity), cheated on you more than once (and, let's face it, probably more times than you know about), physically abused you to the point of inflicting scars and a chipped tooth, and allowed her children to hear their mother say that she wishes they were dead.

    Dude, if your story is true, fapping 15 minutes a day is the least of your problems.

    Your wife is a danger to you and your kids. It doesn't matter if "most of the time" she is a sweet person. If she harms one of your children in the future, will you honestly be able to say you didn't see it coming?

    Imagine, hypothetically, the sex roles were reversed here. A woman has a husband who has lied to her, cheated on her, beaten her up viciously and said he wishes their children were dead. Can you imagine anyone on Earth telling this woman she should stay with her husband? If the husband hurts their kids, would that be unsurprising at all?

    I'm wondering if you actually came here not to seek advice on quitting your porn problem that apparently isn't even a problem, but instead to have somebody tell you that you need to leave your wife. Well, I'll say it: You need to leave your wife, and take the children with you.

    If I were you, I would set up a hidden nanny-cam, record your wife at her worst several times, call the police when she next beats you and draws blood, then divorce her and insist on full custody of the kids, using the video recordings and her record of criminal violence to achieve that.

    Or you could just wait for the inevitable snap (news flash: they get better, but they don't stay better) and see what happens.
  15. Faptastic

    Faptastic Fapulous Cum Laude

    I can see why you would think that, but I can assure you from the bottom of my heart that my story is 100% true, and I am real. I am not in any way attempting to troll this forum or write any of this for sensation/drama value.

    Well although the story is very true, most of these things were in the past, and yes - back then, these things were all VERY much big problems in my/our life. The only reason I brought them up here is to illustrate that my ED/psychological problems relating to sex with her have a basis in the things she has put me through (again, in the past).

    Again, I agree fully with you. Looking back, and if I could have opened my eyes back then and given myself advice - I would have left too. I'm still here, and it's only because she started showing real signs of improvement and she has shown a lot of remorse for things she has done or said. But of course, trust takes one moment to break - and sometimes years to build back up again so it's a slow process. She has said I am more than welcome to go find other girls/women to have sex with, so I can get my payback. And trust me, I have wanted to / still would LOVE to(!) - but I know deep down if I actually did it, she would revert back into old anger and problems (because deep down she doesn't want me to do this - even though she did the same to me), so I'm damned if I do - damned if I don't. Besides, I never get an opportunity where I could sneak away for some sex with others because I work from home - and she is home here too. The town we live in is a lifeless town with miles away from any place to meet random girls.

    No I actually didn't come here for my marriage problems. Like I said, these things don't happen anymore. But I brought them up in the context of ED, because the past haunts me like a ghost. Imagine being married, and every time you have sex with your wife (3 times a year) you cannot help but visualizing and thinking of that nasty bastard who gladly dumped his load into that same body. YOUR wife that was supposed to be just yours. And to think of that she gladly let it happen multiple times. It's a mental mindf*ck you cannot even imagine if you haven't experienced it.

    I seriously considered this on many occasions, but of course the worst blowouts always happen at times or places when I least expected it, so you can never really prepare to record such a thing.
  16. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Hey man, have you considered trying Karezza?

    Gentle intercourse without orgasm.

    Read this:
  17. kd

    kd New Member

    Quitting porn (and probably the cheating wife after the kids are grown) will definitely positively affect your happiness. Even if you're not having sex, messing with your reward system can't be the way mother nature wanted us to be.

    On the other hand, quitting PMO may actually give you the masculine superpowers many guys have reported feeling, which would in turn could cause your wife to want you over other guys.
  18. xman

    xman New Member


    Dude you have seriously low self esteem to stay with a women like that. Please don't be a martyr, you only have one life.

    She's treated you like crap for most of your marriage, it also sounds like she hasn't expressed remorse about how her behaviour affected you until she's became physically dependent on you for help. So now you're in a sexless marriage that has brought you misery and humilation, via trauma bonding, low self worth and guilt.

    Please watch this video, seriously please (dude has a degree in psychology, and has worked as a counsellor);
  19. arcanaut

    arcanaut New Member

    Yeah, time to call the lawyers (though give fair warning: search out Athol Kay's Married Man Sex Life for more details on giving Fair Warnings before lowering the boom).

    As regards to how much you love your tapping, well then, fap away. Many folks love their smoking (I know I did, and, unlike many ex-smokers, look back on it with dangerous nostalgia) but it doesn't mean that giving it up doesn't have benefits.

    Never would have thought about going fap-free half a year ago. Now I'm thinking it's the best idea I ever had (or ever ran across). We'll see if the next 6 months supports that current opinion.
  20. Faptastic

    Faptastic Fapulous Cum Laude

    Thanks for the tip, and no - I've never tried that. :)

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