Married, cheated addicted to P. New life new goals also dutch

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Babylonier, May 16, 2021.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Of course not. It's early days, though, so you have to patient. Let your relationship heal and keep working on yourself. There are days you are going to feel horny and if the wife picks up on that and wants intimacy then go for it.

    Every emotion is fleeting. One minute we are joyful, the next sad, and next we feel nothing. We are in this for the long-haul. You're doing well!
    Ashitaka, Deleted User and Babylonier like this.
  2. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Yes it is early days. I know. But al my life when something went bad. I got some sex or P. That was always my place to go back and forget everything in life. But now I am a little bit older and I hope a little bit wiser. But the urge is strong. I am in a quarantaine and working from home. And it is hard. Hard to not watch P. Not to M. So i try to work. Do some duty’s in the house and other stuff like reading a book. There are moments that I feel strong. But today I am sad and feeling depressed. I should be happy. Sunday we are going to Spain without kids. Hoping to find our love for each other back. I am searching for that new mindset. A mindset that is not searching for sex all the time! But how can i enjoy life more without the sexthing? How can i let my wife know and let her feel that it isn’t for the sex why I want to stay with her? How can i be myself if I am alone, without the P or the S and the big M? I am really soul searching and I don’t find anything. I go to the gym if there is time. I speak with some friends. But the friends ain’t that much anymore like in the past. Today I laid 90 procent of the day on the couch with the laptop on my lap. The smartphone in my hand and looked up Some P. Watched and klicked it away. It is damn hard not to watch. Did some M but no O’ing! And I don’t even know why I did it! It is that Pavlov effect. I feel no chaser effect like a couple of days ago. I have to get stronger! I want to enjoy my kids more! I want to have good days again. I want it all. But my mind is making me crazy!
    Tomorrow new day new chance! I am trying ti motivate myself. But it’s like somebody is taking over and saying. You always did it like this. Why should you begin all over again. Just go for what you feel! Just go M again and everything wil be beter. But I know it won’t help me! So tomorrow wil be better!
    Be strong!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    When your wife found out about your cheating your life took a tail spin. This tail spin motivated you. When we are in crisis it is easier to feel strong and stay the course. Now that time has gone by the real work starts. I stayed clean for over three years. I thought P was in the past. However, I ended up "checking" out some P one day and went on a bit of a binge. Why? Because my motivation had waned. Every time we view P we are emasculated. Every time we M we drain our virility. When we drain our manhood we become everyone's little bitch. I hate the feeling of being a bitch and that alone motivates me. Don't be anyone's bitch, my friend.
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2021
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    When I reread my post of yesterday I thought perhaps it sounded a bit harsh. It was meant to "snap you out of it," so to speak. None of us need to feel more down about our lives. But, we have heavy lifting to do and, for the most part, there isn't anyone there to help us. Luckily we all have enormous power inside ourselves. We have this well that provides us with freshness and all we have to do is dip into it. Did you ever write that letter to your wife? Maybe it's not your thing and that's OK if it isn't. However, we all need things to do, things that galvanize our spirits and keep them on a path that has momentum.

    Quarantining sucks, but then so does being in jail or having a disease. I read a book where a guy was kidnapped. He felt so angry sitting in his little room, chained to the wall. He cried out "why me!?" He then remembered the quote of some Roman (I can't remember his name) who said: don't ask "why me?" Ask, "why not me?" It is all about changing the narrative, my friend.
  5. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    @Saville it was not harsh! In love the real and direct talk! Don’t talk around it, just say it. That’s the best for me. Yeah it worked a little bit. I ordered the book no more mister nice guy. So hopefully it gives me new insights.
    And yes I wrote some letters but there was no right time to give it to her. If we can fly to Spain tomorrow I hope. I want to give her a letter every day. Each letter has its own topic about our relationship, what we have bij true, our kids, the trips we have made, the love for each other.
    this morning my wife told me i am emotionally not available. I am creating space so she does not feel I am really here. Wel I am I told her. I am here, and emotionally I am here to back her up. I told her I am more here then the last few years.
    Thx for the insights!

    the urge is not that strong as the last few days. I am laying in bed alone now. And normally i would definitely have the urge to PMO or something. But there is not. Hopefully it stays like this for ever…

    thx for the likes!! Thx for the support! Because support is what makes us stronger! Makes us go threw it all!

    love you guys! Be strong! God bless!! ❤️
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's beautiful. Well done!

    This is more a reflection of how she feels than reality. My wife used to say things like: "you're not the man I married," "your angry all the time," "you put me down," "you're not trying," and it was exhausting. She had to process her feelings in this way. On the one hand my wife wanted to push me away, while on the other she wanted me to be there for her. This is why we can only ever work on ourselves. Of course, sometimes we have to respond, as we're part of the dance, but it is a new dance and both people are learning the steps.

    I think what you said to your wife when she said it seemed like you checked out was bang on. Great job!

    I think you'll get a lot out of reading No More Mr. Nice Guy.
    Babylonier and Deleted User like this.
  7. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Have a great trip. I pray you two may really connect and peacefully talk things out!
    Stay strong
    Babylonier and Saville like this.
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hey mate, how are you now? Been a while since your last update

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