Married, cheated addicted to P. New life new goals also dutch

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Babylonier, May 16, 2021.

  1. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    I am helping allot at the house and helping the wife. She is confused and she is almost not functioning. She is doing what she has to do and the rest of the day she is laying in bed. Yesterday she went away with a GF having some drinks. She came back tipsy and mad. So we had a little fight. Talked til 3 o clock in the morning/night. I brought the kids to school went to the office. And we talked again thru Whats app. Now I came back early from the office brought the kids home from school and went to the barber. Cooked a meal and so on and so on. She is now laying in bed and sleeping. I am having the urge to watch P now! Just because I wanne “reward” myself of doing everything I can. But I won’t. I am feeling the same when I did my first attempt! I just want to be three months free of P. And if it’s possible M also! I have read that if you fulfill three months it is easyer to make it a lifestyle and it don’t have to make a lot of effort. Also in a lot of telefoons they vast. Some once a week others a whole month.
    P and M are hard to work on. Because it is in our nature to do it. But also P keeps us men prisoned. I have read about the Chasser effect. Can somebody explain this what it really mains I think I know now. But wanted to be sure.
    Be strong god bless!
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  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're welcome. :) I have been helped by many others and so now it's your turn. We don't pay things back, we pay them forward. I time, when your life becomes more stable, you will help men here through your own experience. It's pretty cool, really. Everyday I gain some wisdom here.

    We're all in this together! Sounds like a song. lol
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  3. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Hey y’all,

    new day new rounds.. still the urge is strong. I am trying to get on the saddle, pulling my big boi pants up. But still there are moments I feel little and still i want to numb my self with O’ing. I am sleeping on the couch now. And in the middle of the night I lay next to the wife. She is ok with that if I don’t ride on here when I wake up with a morningwood. That’s sort of a automatic thing i do. I try not to but I have to think twice before I wake up.
    It would be easyer if she said that it’s over. I could go on with my life. But this living in the middle of nothing is just hard. Can’t do anything.. no flirting, no other women, no drunk nights, no drugs, nothing, no distractions. At all! No P, no M and no O’ing. i think my erections are all ok now.
    This second try is a little different then the first. I have less withdrawal symptoms. My sleeping is getting better. I think I know what my biological klonk is. I always knew actually. But I always wanted to stay up late. Now I sleep round 22 or 23 o clock and wake up round 5 or 6. That’s pretty ok after sleeping 4 years 4 or 5 hours a night.
    Now i get minimum of 7 hours sleep instead of 4. It feels like heaven sleeping this much.
    I am trying to go to the gym today. Trying to enjoy sports again like old times. Just me my self and I in the gym. Do a good sauna session and hope for the best! Because when my sleepingproblems begane. When i went to the gym after the gym my body and mind could not get in the rest modus. So i am still a little bit afraid if that’s going to happen again. In the past because i did not come in that rest modus I did a lot of P and M. Just to get a little sleep. And when i woke up after 3 hours again P and M just to go asleep. I did some steroids just to grow muscle so stupid because the steroids made me like a cave man that just want to fuq everything what’s want to get fuqed. It’s a really mind fuq what happens after. After the steroids in “woke up” and thought WtF did i do! Never ever going back to steroids!
    I am still going strong. And i know now that my breaking point is around 30 days. I am now on 5 days. So around 23 of July I have to be focused. Also when the wife wants to get intimate again i have to be focused for the chaser effect. That one is a real bad ass because i think my chaser effect is around 5 days that i have to be focused not to get lost in that. Can I do something now so when my breaking point comes and when there is a chaser effect what I can do?
    Thanks everybody!

    Be strong, god bless and Love!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Getting more sleep is definitely a positive. There are a few positives happening now and that's all you can ask for.

    It would be wonderful if there was an easy answer. I think for you it's just reminding yourself at what you have to lose. A session with PMO always erodes our power, our sense of strength. Even O'ing from fantasy drains my batteries. When I decided that the wife and I needed to get intimate again I let that cum build up inside of me, like naturals steroids. My wife could feel my manliness. Even though we hadn't had sex in over two years I could see she was starting to feel "turned on." When we connect with our primal beast then our partner does too. Play the long game. Be patient.

    Steroids are the fake us. It's all part of lying to ourselves. It's part of not being happy with the person we are. It's great that you've recognized that for the shit it is. Be careful when you go to the gym now, because women are going to start seeing the new you and be turned on by it. Even though I was fat (not too fat now), ugly, and bald, I had women flirting with me at work and at the gym. Primal power is like a narcotic. A part of me liked the attention, but I knew these chicks were bimbos and bitches, not worthy of me. I had my woman at home and I didn't need anyone else. The actor Paul Newman said, when asked why he had had such a long, successful marriage: "why would I go out for a hamburger when I have steak at home!"

    You are worthy, you are strong, you are good - keep on trucking!
  5. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Keep on trucking we will! Yes it’s true what everybody’s saying. I am in the middle of the most stormy situation ever. It feels like it is not barelble.. The pain that i have cost is not what i ever have wished for! The pain of my wife but also of my young kids! It is painful to see and it is painful to feel. The only thing what is making me pulling my big boy pants up and staying on the saddle is the chance I have to fix everything with my wife. She still does not know what she wants. I am afraid that how longer she is going to think about this that she is going to say we can not go on. When i think about this wow my hartrate go’s up like it is going to explode. I tryd to go to the gym yesterday. I went and did some things but not with the energy I am yoused to do. Everything feels heavy, everything feels negative! I am afraid that the kids wil feel it, that they maybe get some trauma out of this. Because what i did! I am so sorry for everything! I really do! How am uneven going to really explain and let the wife feel that I am really sorry! That imam never ever going to go back to my old me..

    I am not thinking about PMO or M. Only when I am laying in bed or in the shower. And today when I had to go for a piss at work. That’s it. But stil that are 3 or 4 moments a day that i think. In the last i did some M’ing. but now i try not to touch. The wife says she still want to go on vacation because we promised the kids. So we are going in 4 weeks to Italy! I hope in the mean time she’s going to find the love for me again. And I am also afraid that she is going to say after the vacation it is al gone the feelings that she has for me! We wil see!
    Every day in every way! I wil be better and better!
    Be strong god bless!
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  6. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Ok are Some of you guys using motivational speeches? In the links two of my favorites.

    these two just gave me my focus back. I just put the kids to bed and the wife is gone for tonight. So I tought what I always did. Me time. Me time is PMO time. Did some motivational speeches instead! It gifs me strength I think.
    Now gonna have a shower and going early to bed. Tommorow i have a busy day with allot of appointments did not have a busy day for the last year because of Covid.
    So there is some urge. But I can controle it! And i am going to stay in controle!

    stay strong! Be well!
  7. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Showered! Did not do anything! Men that was a real survival journey! So many obstacles to overcome. And I am not even at 7 days!
    So now I am thinking why was this evening so hard to overcome. I think because over the years I always behaved like ok no one is at home so this is my moment to PMO. But now i don’t want to but still my mind says go for it! Now is you’re chance! And I think my mind is confused. Everytime I wanna pee it thinks I wanna go for PMO also! And now i did pee and stil my mind thinks i wanna pee? Weird right?
    Laying in my bed now, trying to catch a 8 hour sleep. Wil see what’s gonna come!!

    have a nice one brothers!
  8. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    I fuqed it up! Sorry! The wife came back yesterday wile I was laying in bed. It was late at night. I woke up and asked how here evening was. She said she had a good time. And then it started the discussion and the fighting about what i did. So she went to her bedroom and did not talk any more. So I MO’d because i could not sleep anymore. I am not gonna reset my counter. Because I did not P.
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  9. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Sorry man, you’re going through hard times. But it ain’t going to be this tough forever, things will settle down at some point. Do your best, keep journaling, keep the faith, and one morning you’ll get up from a good night of sleep and realize your life is back to normal. And you’ll be a better man too. That happened to me, it will happen to you too.

    As @Saville said, "keep your chin up." :)
    Babylonier likes this.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yeah, not really a fuck up, Babylonier. And, you're right, no need to reset the counter. You actually did great taking care of yourself. I wish I could tell you the "talks" about what you did would end soon, but your wife has to wrap her head around it all.

    Here's a question: what do you want? Right now you want your wife and your family back as a unit, but what do you personally want out of life?

    Are you familiar with the book by Stephen Covey "The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People?" I listened to Covey reading the book on youtube and found it to be helpful in my own life. I don't like the title, but that was probably the choice of an editor, not Covey, himself.

    The first habit is to be proactive. It's what we talked about earlier in your journal. Actions dictate people's perception of you and your perception of yourself. Life isn't just happening to you, you are happening to it. This means that you have more control than you think. If life is happening to you then you are a passive participant. In your situation this means that your wife will continue to hold all the cards. But, guess what, you are also allowed to tell her what you want. My wife wanted to endlessly talk about what a terrible thing I'd done, but I finally realized that I had some say in how the relationship was going to go. At first I was terrified, because I thought speaking up for myself would mean divorce. I thought I could passively ride things out and that eventually we'd get back to the way we'd been. The thought struck me "why do I want the status-quo to continue?" I didn't know how I could change the conversation from the wife saying "you are bad," and me saying "I know, I'm so sorry." I literally felt like someone had poured concrete into the front of my brain; I felt paralyzed. One day, while trimming this ridiculous tree that grew everywhere but straight I felt my voice. I knew that feeling wouldn't last, so I went inside and said to my wife "maybe we should get a divorce, because you can't get over this and can't live in this limbo." Phew, it was said. My wife looked shocked and horrified. She had been in charge, it was her decision to make whether we stayed together or not. She had not planned on me having a say, at all. We both sat down, we cried, we held each other, and then we made love. She asked me if I still loved her and I said "my love has never gone away." Once we saw clearly that we had to do this together the marriage began to very slowly heal.

    Your conversation will be different, I'm sure, because you are different people, but, again, you are allowed to have an opinion as to your marriage. You are not a passive participant in life, unless you want to be.

    We must have empathy and concern for our spouses; we really did an awful thing. We must, initially, feel embarrassment about our actions and realize they weren't OK. But, it mustn't be the embarrassment (shame) of being caught, of being found out to be a fake. No, it is the embarrassment that we were reaching for plastic fruit, while the world was offering succulent real ones.

    We cheated because we were passive. Men who are actively engaged in their lives don't cheat. If they are unhappy at home they speak up for themselves and don't fear the anger of the wife (the great Matriarch). My wife was a good mom, a good homemaker, and a hard worker, but she failed miserably to provide the kind of intimacy a man needs. Her "love" language was based on "duty." A maid can be hired to do jobs around the house, but only a wife can see her man as the foundation upon which the family is built. Only a wife can build you up, encourage you to keep going, and make you feel proud of yourself.

    None of this is easy, but the way forward is always simple.

    Courage, my friend.
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2021
  11. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    What a great post saville!
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  12. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Yes indeed a great post! It makes that everything comes in perspective. I can make sense of things so I don’t freak out! So thank you sinking @Saville for giving me these greatfull insights!

    Yes I am on the right track again! Stil in crises with the wife. But we are doing our best to take care of the children! I am sleeping in the guest bedroom and I am ok with that. Because i can Handle myself beter and don’t push my wife to cuddle, kis and all that sort of things that she does not want at this moment.
    After a couple of days using sertraline I quit because it gave me nightmares and a lot of other complications. Now I am using htp-5 supplements and it gives me a calmness in my head that i used to have in my periode of being ik with everything end being ok with my self. My wife is trying to get that feeling back for me but it is hard. It’s hard to feel that you’re wife is struggling with something that she does not want. She wants the feeling back for me but it’s shit down at the moment. I think come on. Let’s have sex than that feeling wil come back again.
    We are planning to go for a week to Spain together to research if the love can come back again between us. I hope so. I think she hopes so! We wil see.
    This is it for now. I am doing well. I hope you alle do to!

    be strong everybody! God bless!
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're doing great!

    I think this was a good decision. Drugs make us feel "not ourselves." We've already spent our entire lives being a fake person, so why go back to that? Sometimes we need a drug intervention, but if we can do without it's better in the long run. We need to feel our feels.

    With the trust gone it is a tough mountain to climb. But, as we change, the world changes around us. I never felt that statement was true until I saw it in my own life. As I began to focus on my journey, which included seeing my needs as important, my wife began to change. In other words, we become like the sun where the family begins to orbit around us. This is where the real miracles happen. (this is not as narcissistic as it sounds) Because, as I now saw and felt myself in a different way, unspoken connections were forged between me and the wife. This allowed us to both orbit around what was really important. We saw each other as two flawed people, but two flawed individuals who loved each other.

    My wife, in relationship terms, is not the most perceptive. A couple of years after my cheating debacle my daughter accidently knocked a family heirloom of a shelf and it smashed to pieces. It was something my wife had gotten from her mom and she cherished it dearly. She actually cried when she saw all the pieces and said "that's the worst thing that has ever happened in my life." o_O Even given her dramatic nature this statement was over-the-top. It was also very revealing. It wasn't my cheating that was the worst thing, or the almost collapse of our marriage, it was a stupid piece of pottery; we aren't talking a Ming vase here. Yes, it was a disappointment, a real shame, but "the worst thing" that had ever happened to her? Her response to the broken heirloom also made my daughter feel like shit, because now she had done the worst thing that anyone had ever done to her mom...that's heavy. So, with that all said, even with my wife's lack of perception regarding relationships, she intuitively felt the changed me and responded in kind. "As we change, the world around us changes too."

    We cheat and lie because we don't see ourselves as important or worthy. If we are secure in ourselves then we don't need to travel those useless pathways.

    For men sex is a need. For women it is a way to reel a man in and once she's got her man it can often become a duty. Yes, of course they enjoy it, but it can also be like a chore, such as washing clothes, cooking, and shopping. Men are driven to the goal which is to dump splooge in the pussy. The woman can just lie there and as the British say "think of the Empire." lol So, this is why, women see duty as a love language. This is why the new you takes care of the little things around the house. Words don't matter, only action.

    I'm writing a lot, but then, as I mentioned before, I also write for myself. :cool:

    - take walks around your neighborhood. Never be gone more than 30 minutes or else the wife will wonder what you're up to.
    - do small tasks, especially the one's you always said you'd do, but never got around to (yup, I'm repeating myself)
    - if you see your wife looking good then tell her so. Don't gush and don't angle for sex, simply state the truth.
    -if you feel like reaching out to touch your wife's arm, reach out. She might pull away and that's OK. You can say "I just felt like touching your arm and I didn't want to hold that back." I learned that from reading the book "I'm OK, You're OK."
    - work out and eat as healthy as you can.
    - perhaps consider keeping a journal that you write in pen. Write our your feelings, your hopes, your dreams, and write beautiful things about your wife in it. Leave it where she can read it.:cool: If she asks you what you're doing you can say "writing down my thoughts to help me process my behavior...and writing about us."

    These things are love gestures. But, firstly, and most importantly, they are love gestures to yourself. Because you count, because you matter, because you're worthy, you are allowing yourself to be open and unafraid.
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  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

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  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Yes I’m curious as well. Let us know when you have the time?
    Babylonier likes this.
  16. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Yes guys, still alive..
    last week was hard. Hard to not watch P or do some MO’ing. the wife is still processing what happens and what I told her. She is doing her best. There are moments in a day that I think there is still hope. Now I can sleep next to her, a week ago I lived a couple of days at my parents. After those days I slept a couple of days in the guest room. And now I sleep next to her. But there almost no cuddling or something what comes in the neighborhood of intimacy. So I think it is going to take a lot of time. She is still thinking about if she can live with the idea of all those women that touched her husband. All those women inhale touched. The thought of that breaks her. I can see the pain in her eyes. And me I am feeling strong. Don’t know why. But I feel it. I feel I can go on with my wife or without. But I rather go on with her of course!
    I am feeling strong. And I am doing what @Saville has recommended me! And it is working. So I am doing well. And i have some kind of peace with my destiny. So that gives a lot of peace to.
    Thank you for asking! Sunday the wife and I are going to Spain to work on our relationship without all the stress and Hustle with children and work.

    I am still going to post here ofcourse. Because I am feeling difference the last couple of days in the morning wood. It’s stronger than ever! Damn! If i ever can have erections like those the rest of my live wow!!

    love! Be strong en god bless!!
  17. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Hi everybody,

    So when you think you overcome the struggle it comes when you are the strongest! My god. I still can’t believe where I am at. This is the most my biggest fight I will every fight. I know i will win but against what. What will I lose in this proces and what can I win?
    Well the wife and I are talking. Yesterday we made some love making. It was marvelous, exciting and overall nice to know that the wife still is in to you… but here it comes. Today I went to work, a mate texted me he was positive on the COVID19. So I had to go home to be in quarantaine. I worked from home but could not concentrate at my work and the wife was at home also. Not al day so she went out for een hour or so and in that time I am so sorry but I looked at some P. Don’t know why, did some M but no O’ing. wtf? I was doing fine right? Ok the wife came back had some negative thoughts so we talked and I was horny so intakes her in to some intimate stuff. I did not o or got any. But i made her O. So don’t know what made me do that?
    Is that the chaser effect that is making me go and do this shit? Because we had some sex yesterday? So now i have some anxiouty that creeping in my head. Because last week there was nothing and everything was ok. And now it’s like i have to go and begin from the start? So now I am thinking I can only have intimacy with the wife when she wants and she makes the first step to intimacy. And I have to fight the fight to not mess with my head to go search for O’ing!! Right? Is that the way?
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  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Probably was a combination of the chaser effect and the pavlov effect when when she left the home. That is, if you used to watch p when people left the home. People leaving the home is like an automated cue that triggers that pathway in your brain.

    You can try to work offline when you’re home alone or find any other way that helps you from relapsing.

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  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You are so right, BWB. This is still a trigger for me.

    Also, you're still on an emotional roller coaster. You're doing amazing, but a lot has happened. Try not to initiate sex with the wife for sex sake. You may be doing this because of your addiction and not because you want to connect. Are you really desiring your wife or are you sexualizing the situation because you looked at P? It's good for a man do swing his dick around (with his wife, lol) but it has to be done with your new mindset.

    There's no perfect way through this and I think you're coping/doing very well.
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  20. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    This helps a lot that you guys explain what could be the cause of it. @Saville and @BoughtWithBlood. Thanks!
    Is it for life I can’t initiate sex anymore? How does that work? After yesterday the cravings to have sex or wanna O. Are much less, the anxiety is going down a little by little. New mind set is developing. It’s not a switch i think. It’s in babysteps. I am really trying. But it is also hard to let loose you’re old habits when you’re are down or depressed. I don’t know what it is. But it’s like the joy for life is gone.. did you guys have this also? And when is that joy of life coming back? Is it coming back? Is that possible or do I have to settle for this feeling for ever?
    God bless and be strong!
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