Married, cheated addicted to P. New life new goals also dutch

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Babylonier, May 16, 2021.

  1. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Thank you Saville! I just can’t explain how graitfull I am that you responde so explicit and with a lot of love! It’s like a big brother or a father that is giving me advice! Thank you!
    Yes I will do this! I think I am going to give her this letter when we are going on vacation to Italy. But don’t know in the beginning or at the end? Or maybe next weekend when she is going for a weekend away with my sister and the daughters? Don’t know yet!
    FMO Day 3, PMO Day 31:
    Wow what a day! Things began very heavy! Made breakfast brought the kids to school and the wife was in bed this mourning saying she could not begin the day! Ok I went away and she began messaging again about questions! And again I could not lei and told here everything she asked about! Went home not to work because she was going crazy. At home she had a knife in her hand and she wanted me to sit down. I did not went to a other room and sayd I would call the police! She put the knife away. She went crazy and when she was a bit better/relax we talked again. She is so sad! Our hole life’s up side down! Thinks that I am not that man that she felt in love with! Told her i am! I still am that guy. Ok after a lot of talking. We kissed each other. First in the bathroom, next in the bedroom! And yes we made love to each other. But I was so extremely sensitive! I came in 10 seconds! So I made her come in a different way because I did not want to stop everything and she would be unsatisfeid! Actually i wanted to make love in a special way that she could come and she would feel there is no other lover than me! So what to do now? For the next time? Should i do more FMO? Just to get less sensitive?

    God bless!
    Saville likes this.
  2. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Taking two days sartraline there is fair/Axienty I can not explain. They say when you begin with sertraline the first two weeks you can get anxiety problems. So inhale to choose or to push forward or stop it because my wife now thinks there is more! Because of my anxiety now! So what do i have to do! There is nothing to tell anymore! I just want to take sleep medication and sleep the whole day en night! Now i know what it means when they say life can be hell! Well it is my friends. It really is! I am so afraid! I think i am going to stop the meds! I threw up this night! Don’t even know why... from the anxiety I think! This so so fuqed up! Everything could be so perfect! I am sad and i just want somebody to pick me up and hold me for ever and says everything wil be allright! But there's nobody left anymore! I am sorry!

    please god dear god! Help me!
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Babylonier, you are on a roller coaster. You will experience some highs, as you've already done, and you will feel intense lows. This is all part of the healing process. You are also grieving your old life. But, your old life wasn't always a positive one, it didn't affirm you as a man. Change hurts and it's scary. Before you lived a life that was, in part, a lie. You hid how amazing you are. Now it's time to reveal the real gifts you have inside.

    It is so understandable that you wanted to be picked up and held. I wanted that too when my marriage was on the rocks. I cried for two weeks straight. Once, while shopping, I burst into tears at the store. I hid in a corner near the frozen foods, crying my eyes out, snot pouring out of my nose, and hoping no one would see me. The fact that you hurt means you care! This is proof of your empathy, not of narcissism.

    It is early days and you are going to go through more trials. But, remember that inside you is a powerful champion. You are now walking in truth and that is something that you're not used to. You are learning a new skill, even through these tough times. When I was feeling weak I would tell myself "Saville, time to pull up your big boy pants." I would physically do the gesture of pulling up my man-pants and this would strengthen my resolve.

    You are on the threshold of good things, Babylonier. Feel your fear, grieve your losses, but also be brave. You have nothing to lose but yourself.
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  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Also, as I've mentioned twice before, find little tasks to do. I hated doing chores around the house, but that is because I didn't understand how small jobs can shape a different life. When we give ourselves over to the minutiae, the giant within us begins to stir. Even if you are sad make sure you don't sit on the couch. Sweep a floor, wash a window, make a bed, dig a garden, pulls some weeds; and do all these jobs slowly and with purpose.

    You've got this!
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  5. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    @Saville thank you for opening up! Sharing you’re experience! It is very worthy for me! I am trying what you say. Some days are better then others. I made some home made spaghetti today, did the dishes and i am watching a movie right now with the kids. Inam so greatfull for that. The stress and the problems in my marriage made me forget I have still a addiction on Porn, Sex and Attention. But I am feeling that i getting every day closer to my self. Every day a little step to be 100% my self. No lying. No seeking P or S or A! But that’s the stress why I am not searching for that. I am curious when everything is stable. That maybe I experience boredom and everything will happen again. So I think I am going to be here for lifetime! Just to be focused on my own pitfalls/traps. I am in therapy now. My wife is going to get therapy. And we are raising kids. Damn it. I didn’t imagine my life like this when I was a kid! I never thought life would be so hard. As a kid you did not know what S or P was. So life was simple. Wish that life would be that simple. And I am trying. Because life without P and S is much easyer!
    I think also I don’t have a problem with P because my wife and i were intimate twice last week. Al the emotions and everything. She also sayd after. She did nog know why she wanted to have S. Today she texted me mad texts. And when i came home she was pretty fine/ok. And she did her best to be nice to me. It’s a freaking paradox! Did you experience this also @Saville??
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  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, one minute nice, the next a total fucking monster. In fact, my wife is still like that, except now it's not about me being a cheater, it's just life in general. My wife has narcissistic tendencies and so it's all about her, all the time. The key is I don't listen to her anymore. All this emotional up and down is just noise. I have grown a lot over the past 8 years, but my wife has not grown much at all. I'm fine with that because I don't need her to be a perfect human or wife. That is, I don't rely on her to validate who I am. Our children are grown up now, so her only job is to be a decent person and have sex with me once a week.

    I realized, after finding this site, that my wife and I were both emotionally two years old. Neither one of us had the kinds of skills needed to navigate a successful marriage. She wore the pants in the family, treated me like shit some times, and I took the role of little bitch. Yes, I would get angry and defend myself, but this was always used against me. The things is that women are allowed to get angry, but men aren't. Once we get angry we are the bad guy, the person who has anger and self-control problems. Women use our anger against us in order to rob us of our power. (Please note I'm talking about dysfunctional relationships where the man is not abusive) In my marriage, and I think yours, too, my wife was abusive. She always had to be right and took great pains to always be top dog. A man must lead his home, otherwise it's a terrible home. Since ditching PMO I have switched that paradigm.

    I allow my wife to bitch, to complain, but I don't take those things in my heart. I seldom get angry at her because it is like getting angry at the wind. When she says something like: "Oh, too bad you didn't do it this way." I often agree with her. "You're right, honey, that would've been a great way." This way my wife feels heard/validated and I don't get tied up in an emotional knot. After agreeing with her I forget all about what she said, because I know that my way of doing things is fine.

    In conclusion: Your wife has to go through all her emotions, over and over again. To you they are noise. Answer things you can, but above all you must NOT become part of her ups and downs; you have your own emotions to sort through. Remember that your way of dealing with life was at the level of a two year old. You couldn't have a toy so you went out and fucked another toy. These days are a mixture of terrible and incredible. Healing hurts! A marriage is like skinning your knee and getting a scab. This scab has now been pulled off and it hurts like fuck! But, over time new skin will grow. A scar will remain, but you will be feeling like a true warrior.
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  7. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Thank you @Saville I am trying to find my big boi pants! Yesterday my wife went to her mother. She called me at the end of the day end she said that she is going to get the kids tomorrow. That when she is gone i have to pack my stuff and go to my parents for a while. She does not say it’s definitely but I think it is. She is taking little steps to let me loose. That’s where I am scared of. The worst thing is that I am not with the kids anymore. I can’t imagine how that would be! I know what kind of man I am when I don’t have the kids. When i don’t feel responsability. I drink, I smoke, I seek women to comfort me! Maybe it’s my destiny just to be alone! To go to my parents house makes all my trauma’s and negative memories come back! Al the trauma’s, the abuse, the agresion. That’s the past I know. My parents are old now and aren’t the people that how they were 25 years ago. I wanted to PMO yesterday! But I did not. A little win again! No FMO to!
    be strong everybody! And I will to!
    God bless!
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    So much brokenness. Tough to hear about it man. Our childhood has such an impact on our lives. It’s no wonder you’ve developed these bad habits.

    I’m praying for you my man. That your marriage shall be salvaged and flourish like never before, that your children will grow up in a healthy home and that you will know the peace and love of God the father.
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  9. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    The kids and wife are gone now! Wanting to PMO, FMO or MO. I am not going to do that! Drink a beer at 13 o clock. Gonna just drink one just to manage this moment.
    She held me close to her. When she left. We talked to the kids. They know that dad has done things wrong in life! That he told allot of lies! So that’s why mom and dad are going to live apart for a while. I think this is the first step to divorce. I am thinking allot. Hoping I am strong enough to not M, do not get drunk as fuck and don’t do drugs.
    Just don’t do M! Telling my self over and over again.
    Let you guys know! Love!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  10. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Watched some P! So dum! Did not O! Sorry! I am disappointing my self in every way today! Do I have to start over?
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm nodding my head and saying "that's strength!" You are really proving to yourself that inside you have grit and determination. This is big!

    Too true, BWB. Our childhoods have had an impact, but all of us have the inner power to change. We can also lean a little on those things that support us in an affirmative way, be that God, a friend, or quiet reflection.

    Babylonier, I hear you. Your pain comes through. Honor your pain, it's what makes you a good person and you are a good person. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn't a terrible man. Each day try to do something, just one little thing, that honors that you are a righteous human, a great father. Yes, we all have our failings, but these don't define us, anymore than a toothache defines our smile. Take little walks, work out a bit, treat yourself to a healthy meal, and read books that lift you up. Not everyone likes classical music, but I found listening to Haydn quartets really helped heal my spirit. Music, any kind of music, can help, my friend.

    Also, you must act. What do I mean by this? I mean that now would be the time to write that letter. Write it out by hand, not an email. Mail it to her, where ever she is.

    Do NOT allow yourself to fall into a funk. You have proven to yourself that you have metal inside, forged steel. Use this new knowledge to let the warrior out. Yes, your wife might divorce you, anyway. But, guess what, your journey has nothing to do with her. Your kids need you to show an example of resurrection. How powerful to show your children that you made a few mistakes, but that you LEARNED from these mistakes and made a better life.

    PMO, pot, booze, food, they are the low-hanging fruit. With a little effort you can get the more delicious fruit higher up. Émile Coué, a French psychologist and self-help guru, invented a little saying: Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better. His prescription was to say this to yourself at least twice a day. This helps strengthen our ego in a healthy way. We all have a past and at some point we have to tell that past to "fuck off!" You have a hard road in front of you, there's no use sugar-coating it. But, it's a road you are well able to travel. You're worth the effort! Do NOT cave. Nothing is easier than wallowing in self-pity. I know, because I've done it.

    I mentioned this before but as I write to you, I inspire myself. I truly want you to have a great life, but I also want a fabulous life for myself. It isn't selfish to help others knowing it helps you, too. So, for this reason I urge you to be active on the forum. This is another act (action) that you can gift yourself.

    Also, take cold showers. They help to strengthen us in innumerable ways.
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2021
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  12. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    @Saville you are a real guide! Thank you!
    Saville likes this.
  13. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Much strength to you Babylonier. I appreciate all the likes and support you've placed on my thread. I really hope you can ride out this storm and take this season of your life as a starting point for personal growth. Not an easy road to walk though! Really tough!
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  14. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Yes! After 1 night at my parents. The wife messaged me to help her out with the kids. I did so I drove back home and helped the whole day. Making breakfast, bring the kids to school, do the groceries making dinner. Watched soccer. The Dutch team won! So that is a good think we are having the European championship soccer going on and my sons want to watch every game of it. So we had a nice evening with the kids. My wife had to go to college. She is stil studium finance and controle. It was her last day of school. Now she has sort of vacation. Yesterday she let me sleep next to her. But we were also intimate. But I did not O’ed. Inwanted to but she did not. So I have to respect that for now for ever actually but hope
    That we can be real intimate when the time is ripe. This morning after i brought the kids to school i wanted to be intimate and I let her know by how i behave. But she said she did not want to. A couple of years ago i would go crazy! But now i don’t I respect her and i respect the situation where we are in now! So i showered. And yesterday in bed it was so hot and sexy! Damn men! I did 1 FMO... She is so hit and sexy! There is no better, sexyer woman on earth! So hope we are going to survive. I did not want to go to the office because I am afraid what or how she is when ik come home! I slept like a baby’s! But I already tired!
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  15. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Hi guys,

    Not doing so wel. The stress and anxiety is extreme. In this situation I can’t do anything. Just wait for the wife to make a choise. I am back at my parents and I think now it is for real! I did some MO just to fall in sleep and did some FMO when I woke up.
    Now I am showered and don’t knownwhat to do. Can’t work, can’t make food for my self. It’s all down the drain! How is it possible that one human being (me) can be so destructive? I am praying to god to fix it al! Fix everything. The stress of the last 2,5 years is nothing in comparison to the stress i have now! I am going to reset my counter! I just want to get my mind of things. That’s why i did it! I have to normalise the situation for my self. Do little things, make food for my self! Try to relax! I am trying i really do! But it is so hard! I know made wrong choises. Also i trying to attend some SAA meetings. But they gave me the advice not to tell everything to the wife. I think if you want to make emmence you have to be honest to you’re self and you’re wife and next ones! I did now. I did it in steps and that was wrong I could not remember everything so I did it in steps every time I told something i remembers something new. Or she asked me question and because of that i remberd new old stuff I did! It was like i was the devil it self! Now i don’t feel hatred anymore. Just love. And love will make me survive everything. Also if my wife can’t be any more with me. I have to set my mind on healthy things! On a new way of life! We wil see!

    Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better.
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2021
  16. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    You can do this, man. It doesn’t always work the first time, everybody relapsed at some point. Don’t beat yourself up, get back on the horse and it will be all right. And regardless of what happens with your wife, as you said, just focus on healthy things. Whatever you have to face, you’re strong enough to deal with it. I still hope for you that things can work again between you two. In all cases, keep your head up. You’re in troubled waters right now, but it won’t last forever. You’ll get back to a quiet life sooner or later.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2021
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  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is being too hard on yourself. You made some mistakes, as we all have. I'm not proud of my past cheating and lying, but having my life collapsed allowed me to learn about my past behavior. As @Bilbo Swaggins said "keep your chin up."

    I absolutely agree with this. It is the oversharing that really dooms a relationship. Obviously we don't want to get caught in a lie, but there are some things that are better left unsaid. For instance, I had cyber-sex countless times as well as sexting. This was part of my illness, part of me lacking good life-skills. Now that I'm off P I would never dream of such behavior. Does my wife need to know about that part of my life? What good would it do her? Does she need to know what kind of P got my rocks off? When we overshare we are asking our partner to be our confessor. Unlike a priest who can go on with his day, our partner must now bear some of our guilt, our shame, our responsibility. The biggest of these is responsibility. We are the ones who made a mistake and therefore it is OUR responsibility to turn things around.

    Women will endlessly question you about your decisions. They will ask for details on top of details. Their egos are hurt and they also want to be/feel in control. When we share too much it feeds the beast, the beast that will keep us down forever. There is no end to the beasts appetite.

    Babylonier, your wife is deciding whether she will kick your ass to the curb or not. Some moments she's convinced she hates your guts and doesn't want you in her life, while there are moments where she wants to forgive you. Remember, she also has lousy life-skills. The way through this is simple, although some days it won't feel like it. You must be a man of action. You must follow through with the things you say you're going to do. And, you must show your strength. The next time your wife asks you some question about your affairs you have to stand up for yourself, a little. Women respond to primal emotions. Your wife married you because she saw something special in you. This "something special" gets rekindled when we (the men) act strong, like we're in control. Your best chance of getting your wife back is to show that a part of you could live without her, if need be. Right now she is holding all the cards.

    I'm not you and so I can only relate my own experience. Your wife's questions, her wanting you, then not wanting you, is noise. Find some ground you can stand on that feels strong. Maybe that means not accepting her invitation to sleep in the same bed. You are a man, an individual, a person who has also been hurt, and you are allowed to say "no, darling, I think I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight." You don't need her permission to live your life.

    You fucked up, but how long are you going to feel sorry about that? Yes, healing takes time, but that doesn't mean we put our tail between our legs and beg for forgiveness. You WILL figure this out.
  18. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Yes! Here we are again! I needed a couple of days to reset. Reset my counter reset my mind and start over again. That she kicked me out of the house was a real downer. So that’s why I relapsed. So wednesday i resetted my counter. Now I am out of the house it’s harder to work on my addictions, alcohol, PMO and FMO! So that was real quick when you get a set back that I relapsed. I am not proud of it! But what @Bilbo Swaggins says get back on the saddle and go on! I am going to do that bilbo! Really do! And also what @Saville says about putting you’re tail between you’re legs. Last couple of days she is calling me to help out with the kids. So i went running to help her out and see my kids! It is awful to see what cheating do’s in a marriage while you’re trying to raise young kids! I am so mad at my self. So I am trying to form the madness in something positive. Trying. So I am trying to pick up al the thing s you all say! Step for step!

    Everyday in every way! I am getting better and better!
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I like how you're able to look on the bright side, Babylonier. Of course, you are also hurting and filled with so many other emotions, but not letting those things beat you down.

    My kids were adults when I got caught, but my wife made sure to tell them what a dick I was. I had to earn back the trust of my children, which was a humbling and horrible experience. All of a sudden they are the parent judging me. In the end it made me a better person and my kids also saw that their mom was not some innocent victim. Because I owned my shit it was a great lesson for them on how to overcome a domestic catastrophe. By learning to be myself, by not needing anyone's approval or disapproval, my children became closer to me. They trust me implicitly, whereas they are wary of their mom. I'm reminded of the poem by Rudyard Kipling.

    If you can keep your head when all about you
    Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, (your wife and anyone she's told)
    If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
    But make allowance for their doubting too; (you did wrong, your wife, her family, yours, they might doubt you and that's OK)
    If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, (it's going to take time, but you can do it!)
    Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, (shit will be said, don't worry about the shit)
    Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
    And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: (stay humble)

    If you can dream - and not make dreams your master, (Keep your spirit but be simple)
    If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; (don't get hung up on what if's, or how's, or when's)
    If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
    And treat those two impostors just the same; (I love this. Fidelity/cheating are two sides of the same coin when the initial marriages is based on lies)
    If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
    Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, (more shit is going to be said in the hopes of catching you in another lie)
    Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
    And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools: (can you start again? Yes! You will have worn-out tools, but new skills)

    If you can make one heap of all your winnings (cheating is like playing can lose it all)
    And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
    And lose, and start again at your beginnings (but, we CAN start again)
    And never breathe a word about your loss; (don't bitch, don't complain. It's your loss and you'll deal with it, you have new tools)
    If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew (you have more inside you than you realize)
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,
    And so hold on when there is nothing in you (Keep going!)
    Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!" (Persevere)

    If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, ( no matter who you're talking with, who knows what you're a good man)
    Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch, (stay humble, stay true, even if you win a million dollar today and/or your wife wants you back)
    If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
    If all men count with you, but none too much; (all people count, but YOU count most of all)
    If you can fill the unforgiving minute (when you feel like shit, you're down, you feel it's not worth it...
    With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, (fill that time with something, move forward, act!)
    Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, (Yes, yes, yes, you are worthy, you are good)
    And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2021
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  20. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    hi @Saville! I am reading you’re reply over and over again! It gives me strength! I now understand a little bit better of what al the old filosofers and the old religions wanted us to tell! I now know what it means to life in a sort of hell. Excuus my words. But I feel like now I told the truth I can hold my head up high again. In A humble way!

    @Saville! I appreciate! All the energy you are putting in to me! I really do! I don’t know how I can pay you back! Thank you!!
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