Married, cheated addicted to P. New life new goals also dutch

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Babylonier, May 16, 2021.

  1. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Went to the therapist today. He is one of the best I think. Saw in the past 3 therapist and none of them came to the core of my problems. He saw it after a hour of talking. Damn. It is going to be a long journey! But I am positive. He says I am a junk. Not on drugs but on women, porn and thrillseeking. So I think he is right. But he also says if we really want a healthy grown up life if you really want it you can get it! So there is my hope!
    The marriage is an other thing. Oeff she’s talking with other women that happens the same with. And one says run now you still can! So she shared that with me! That hurt a lot. Because my mindset is when you want something you can get it! Work hard and you will get an reward! So I am mad now! I just want to run! Say to the wife fuq you and you’re friends or what ever! Get the fuq out and find you’re self a new men! But I won’t because in the end I love her and she is my wife for life!
    No urge what so ever! This morning yes but now I am just mad!
    God bless! Be strong!
  2. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Day 18:

    it’s like I am having a hard time. I am fantasizing of my wife being intimate with me. But she is not so that’s not so nice. Every morning and evening in the shower I just want to check if I can get an erection. I get it. But I don’t know what it means. I just want to O just te releave me from the stress there is. Just for a moment. But I am not giving in. Went to the therapist yesterday. That was ok, he’s saying I have somekind of attachments disorder in combination with some signs of narcissm. That’s really hard to hear. Also he says because of the love for you’re wife and children and the love they give you. You developed a healthy grown up mind what made you tell the truth. What is going to help you not to make the same mistakes. He also said you’re a depressed junki because you are not getting you’re daily shot of dopamine and endorfine’s that also hard to hear. But I can take it. Now I know why I did the things I did I just want to get clean develop my healthy grown up mind more and be the best person I could ever be for the rest of my life. The things you go tru when you are a kid can make you do things when you’re grown up that you actually don’t want to. It’s like drugs, you know it is not good for you but you take it anyway! Just te releave you’re self of the pain people did to you. But you don’t even know you’re in pain. That’s the complex thing about it. You thought things where normal as a kid. But now you see things where not normal they where abnormal as fuq. The therapist says it is a wonder you’re having a “normal” life with a normal job. So I thought that was a compliment. He said the chance you’ve developed as a criminal or a drugaddict or a hit man would be bigger. So I am a little bit proud.
    Now I have to go further. Develop myself as a hole individual.
    You now what I am going to ask my next session. Now I am not busy watching P or trying to seduce my wife to get intimate. Life’s so boring. I wake up, make coffee with a sigaret, shower, make breakfast for the kids, coffee for the wife, bring the kids to school, go to work, do my work, go to get the kids from school, make some diner, bring them to soccer training. Bring them to shower, to bed. Having a relax evening with the wife if she is not having negative thought about what I did. That’s it. Every fuqing day is the same. I am going to get treu this but man! The therapist is going to talk to my dokter to prescribe me some setraline, it’s a anti depression medication. Those anybody have experience with this?
    Have a nice one everybody!

    Be strong and god bless!!
    BoughtWithBlood and Saville like this.
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    No experience with setraline, I’m using CBD myself. It’s helping me with depressive thoughts and makes me feel more comfortable. Some drowsiness though.

    I’m happy the therapy talks are helping you. I hope you will find more enjoyment in life and less boredem when your dopamine system recovers.
    Babylonier likes this.
  4. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    BWB! thx for the support. How long do you think it needs to recover? My dopamine system?
  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    They say it take one and a half year to fully recover. From person to person it differs when you start noticing results. I usually feel better and more able to enjoy things in life after about a month, though unstable. After two months I feel more stable and the streaks I went beyond 80 days is where I really started to feel good.

    Though I’ve read some men need longer than that and need half a year to a year before they start feeling good. It depends on the severity of the porn addiction and the age on which it started.
    Babylonier likes this.
  6. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Damn, one and a half year no sex that’s harsh men! How do people do this? Or is it possible to be intimate with the wife. Just that exclusive? No PMO and FMO. Just intimacy with the wife.
    I want to be intimate with my wife. But I know how it go’s we get intimate. Everything is fine and after that i want more! I want it everyday a twice. So if we get intimate I have to be after that focused not to let my feelings or habits get stronger than me. So if people have some advice for this one just let me know.

    Be strong everybody! God bless!
  7. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Day 19: at work. Office job, the borennes is real. So what I did in the past is go to the toilet en watch some P. How addicted can you be. So as I am sitting here I want to watch but I don’t. So I go writing on here to stay motivated! Just share my habits. I hope I can let loose of all these bad habits! And this one is one of the biggest! I am going to have some lunch and go for a walk in the park. Hope that wil clear my mind a little bit.

    I have read that if you have a over active amygdala you are more open for any addiction. So I am reading about this and it is hopefull but also a big an long way to go! I am positive but I just want to be at the finish. I want to feel positive again. Less in my head and more in my body. Liking what I do, where there are no problems. Also what I read about addiction is dat there is always a urge to use you’re drug what so ever! If this is cocaine, heroine or sigarets. Or in my personal life it’s P that’s making life so hard at the moment. But I also know myself now I understand my addiction and know where it’s from I won’t make the same mistakes again. I just have to reset my brain. Make new healthier habits and learn to enjoy life as it is! That is the main goal!

    I am learning that life is not about sex, P and O’s. I know my kids and wife are the main thing to Be happy about! That’s life. Making them happy, making possible they can develop to healthy grown ups. That they know how to cope with emotions, with negative one’s specially. I hope instill can be the dad and husband I wanted to be when I was 16 or 17 years old. I think I left or lost something healthy in my past. I forgot who I really was or am. Now i realize that I found what I lost! Now I will get rid of my bad habits, my addictions and let people really in to my life. Accept what was and accept what wil come. Life’s good when you see the good things. I will and I will try! Again and again. I wil never give up! My wife she is so special! And i know how I can let here know how unreality think about her. She’s like an angel! Really she is! Sometimes I think I don’t deserve her. But also I think we are meant for each other. Whatever what is going to come in the future, we wil always survive! And now I wil be that healthy grown up. Without the little boy actions. Without the hiding in addictions.

    I wil and am taking responsibility!

    Thank you for reading my posts. The likes and the reactions keep me motivated! It really do’s! I don’t know why but it feels like there is a connection. The positive vibes are nice to feel. And the feeling that I am not the only one struggling with this is also helping.

    Be strong everybody! God bless!
  8. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Day 20:

    everything is getting a little bit better for now. I hope this is going the good way. It feels like we are getting back on track. Me and my wife I think. Getting intimate is just a step to far for now. She’s finds me disguting! So that’s so fuqed up! I am not different from a month ago. Only the idea of the things that I did makes he’r throw up. Aii o made so much mistakes! And really I do not even know why! Is it the addiction, is it the troubled childhood. Is it both? Or is it that I don’t love her any more? The last one is not even an option but my therapist said think about it. Maybe you just don’t wanna be with her and that’s why you did wat you did. But when I look in my hart then the only thing I am living for is to be with her, everyday! I just want to make her happy! So that is not an option. But the rest is.
    So i now I hope we’re in the right track together. And we stay on the right track together for ever.
    I know now that when I get tired and i am bored, those 2 things are the main reason that I can relapse. The urge stays strong. So I have read that when you are 20 years addicted it is going to take 20 years to get everything out of you’re system. So that’s a heavy idea than that I have to struggle that many years. But ik wil do it. I am going to clean mu eyes voor a while before we go to the barber!
    Have nice day ya’ll!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is definitely not the problem. The problem is the addicts don't love themselves. The journey for us is to learn self-acceptance and, if we can, a little bit of self-love. It's a cliché, but when we change, the world changes. My wife hated my guts when she caught me cheating, but now she gives me blow jobs. It takes time for our partner to like us again, but if we begin to like ourselves it makes it so much easier.
    Babylonier likes this.
  10. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    and how do I learn this? Self love and acceptance? What can I do to feel this? And how do I know that I am loving my self more and accepting my self more than now?
    I want to learn about this self.
    how long did you’re wife take to accept you and love you again in every way?
    I think the uncertainty is breaking me.

    God bless!
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It took two years before she could be with me and not think of the other women. As many have said on here: healing is not linear. It isn't a straight line for you and not one for her, either. You are at the point where things are the worst, my friend. The good news is that it will only get better. Your wife obviously loves and values you, otherwise she would've booted your ass out the door; this is also awesome news.

    Here is the best news of all: you get to really embrace YOUR journey. This is a time you will come to know yourself in all kinds of ways, and though there will be dark times, there will also be joy. Kahlil Gibran wrote: "the deeper sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain." This is a time, Babylonier, to risk feeling what you really feel. A time to be brave and face all these emotions that are rolling around inside you. You will face depression, misery, and frustration, but you will also know that you are shedding off skin that is dead and this new skin will be a new you.

    Learning to appreciate ourselves is a step by step process. At some moments I can still conjure up the embarrassment and guilt about my infidelity, but I know these times will pass and I will remember that I'm a pretty good guy, after all. Our past doesn't have to define us.

    Here's what I believe in:

    - cold showers
    - moving slowly (whatever job I have I take my time. I try to stay in the moment)
    - walking (not for exercise, but to allow space in my mind)
    - using small tasks as a way of connecting with myself (sweeping the floor, raking leaves, washing the windows)
    - oh, yes, and writing in your journal, and also in the journals of others. When we speak to others we are also speaking to ourselves - it can be incredibly enlightening. In that way I'm learning from YOU at this very moment. :)
    Babylonier likes this.
  12. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Dear Saville,

    Thank you so much for sharing you’re experience. It really means a lot to me. It made my day actually! I made a screen shot of you’re post. And it’s like you’re words made me more relax.

    mot really means the world to me! I don’t know how thank you more!

    God bless you! Stay strong!
    Saville likes this.
  13. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm glad my experience is useful, Babylonier. This website has helped me in so many ways. We're all in this together!
    Babylonier likes this.
  14. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Day 23:
    The urge to MO is strong. I am realizing that when me and my wife have conversations about what I did and she asks all those questions. I sleep very badly, inhale nightmares. Also I wanna get intimate with her. Just to forget everything. But she can’t she has to much negative thoughts. When there are some positive moments I think very fast that everything is ok and I can make some sexy moves. It’s like I can’t control my self!
    I fuqed it all up! And i don’t know how to fix it! How can i tell her that I can be trusted and how can I explain that wat I did is a problem of what I have? It is so hard to see her mad and sad! All what we had it’s like its gone! I hope we are going to make it!
    I just wanna seek some PMO or FMO. But I am writing here right now. The urge stil is not gone! I just want to sleep! After MOing. But I won’t do it! I am going to work now and we will see what brings today! I think it is a going to be a day that every hour, minute is going to count!

    have a nice one every one! Be strong and god bless!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hey man, you often write about how much you love your wife and how much she means to you. Have you considered writing that in a letter to her?
    Babylonier likes this.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, the old relationship is gone and that's a good thing. You and your wife will find a new path, one where you both are adults. When I got caught cheating I took all the blame, which, at the time, was the right thing to do. But, over time, I realized that my wife and I were each playing a role. We enabled each other to act like two year olds.

    You can't. It takes time. Your actions will speak louder than words. If there are jobs around your house that you've been putting off now is the time to do them. Wash the windows, make a garden, fix the floor, etc. These actions will start to soften your wife's heart.

    You will! Thich Nhat Hahn, the Buddhist monk says: "Even in your sorrow smile, because you are more than just your sorrow." You are more than your P use. You are much more than a cheater. You are so much more in every way.
  17. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    BWB, every moment when we are apart I send her messages by Whats app. How much I regret the things I did. How much I love our live together. How much I love her. That sort of things. But I think I am depressed. It was a releave to tel her everything. But now it’s the tension and sort of anxiety that’s killing me. Some days are better than others. I am glad that I found Some moments I think I feel changes in my brain literally like somethings really is rewiring. Today was a negative day. Did not enjoy anything. Still the weather is sweet and all the people seem to be happy. That makes me sad again because is seems everybody is moving forward and I am standing still. And I know of course there are going to come better times. But it is hard. And no fun at all! In a next post maybe I can share how I was a couple of years ago and my dream/goal is to get on that happiness level again but without the cheating and the P and stuff!
    Thx BWB for replying and the support!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  18. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    these sayings and knowledge are so supporting! Thank you!
    Saville likes this.
  19. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Day 25: the urges are getting les. More often Morningwood. So that’s making me les worried. Yesterday I really wanted to watch P or bikini models of what ever is sexy I wanna watch it. Don’t know why but there is something that just want toe watch. So wierd. Went to the gym yesterday! That was good! Getting motivated to go 3 times a week to the gym! Hope I can go today also.
    The wife is still morning about what is happen. There are moment with allot of anger an sadness. I am just regretting what happend. But when she is angry she says so much heavy things. Like she things I am filthy, grows? She can’t imagine to ever have sex with me again. And that’s just fuqed up. The thought I am never having sex again with my wife. Summer vacation is coming and we are going to Italy for 2 weeks and one week to Belgium. On one side I am happy that we are going away just to be out and not in our routine. Hoping my wife can have sex with me again. The other side it is possible that the vacation time is going to get her thinking that I am not the one for her anymore. So I am taking things by the day and sometimes by the hour or even minutes when things get heavy!
    Maybe it’s a bored out that i have. I am so fuqing bored at work. Just today I walked for an hour at a nearby park. Just to get my head cleared. It helps a little bit. I just want to be certain that she wil get thru this! That we wil survive. but when you’re wife is mad at you. For how long do you have to accept this? When do I say now it is enough! Or you are going to stay with me or get the fuq out because what now is happening is not helping anybody! Can I be mad at here now for instance?

    I am glad that the urge is getting less. But I also read that when you have sex again or you O’ed. Than the urge gets so strong that it feels like you have to start al over again with the reset? Is this treu?

    be strong everybody! God bless!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Everything you are feeling, so is your wife. You are both a bundle of nerves, anxiety, and raw emotion. Don't worry about how she's feeling because you have zero control over what she feels and what she does. It could be that she will decide to leave you. What can you do? You work on you! Your walk in the park was a great idea, as was going to the gym. Now do things around the house. House hold chores, like I mentioned before, are good for both people. Your wife will see that you are making a real effort, because chores are the love language of women. Us men tend to think of the little stuff as "not that important," while for women it is like winning the lottery. Your wife will SEE a change in you. Men don't view doing chores as changing, because we're waiting for the great epiphany, which of course never comes. For YOU, you will connect with yourself in important ways. As you fix the piece of trim around the door, or paint the room, you will be unconsciously lifting yourself out of the rut, the rut that PMO put you in. A man MUST take care of the house! Why? Because, at our heart we are primal beings. Something deep within you will respond when you "clear the rocks from your cave."

    Be patient! Did I say work on yourself? Oh, yes I did. Read books, go for your walks, play with your children, do your chores, and smile as much as you can. You threw a bomb into your marriage. It takes time to clean up the mess.
    Babylonier and BoughtWithBlood like this.

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