Thx BWB!! Thx for acknowledging it! Now inam only on sigarets daily and in the weekend I drink some beers or some glasses of wine. My wife is really understanding but on the same time she is also struggling with her emotions. She thinks the last 14 years was a lei and at the same time she is helping me out with my addiction. So now where in the middle of a crossroads. What to do. Stay together or separate? She wants to stay together but does not know if she is capable of doing this. There is love but there is no trust. In dutch there is a saying trust comes walking and go’s with a horse. So let’s be positive and think trust wil come over time and the most important thing is there’s still love. I just really want to run a away! Forget about my past about my family and love on my own the rest of my life! Drink, smoke watch P and wait til the storm passes. Of course i don’t going to do this but my whole mind and body is saying fuq everything! You don’t have to cope with this shit! I am still having bad dreams about the past. About my mom and dad. How they made me! So that’s killing because it was nog pleasant at all! Having night sweats. And nightmares that everybody is going to leave me. Oeff that’s why I want to flee. Because I rather go by my self then that I wait for people and that they say go fuq you’re self! Yeah I know I deserve it! But I am still human. I have feelings and emotions to! Stil no porn, yesterday had some urges and today also. That’s why I am putting all my thoughts on paper now! Hope it helps. My wife and I are not intimate at the moment. She want some space. And that makes it worse. I hope and pray to god that where going to survive this! Be strong everybody! God bless!