Married, cheated addicted to P. New life new goals also dutch

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Babylonier, May 16, 2021.

  1. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Thx BWB!! Thx for acknowledging it! Now inam only on sigarets daily and in the weekend I drink some beers or some glasses of wine. My wife is really understanding but on the same time she is also struggling with her emotions. She thinks the last 14 years was a lei and at the same time she is helping me out with my addiction.
    So now where in the middle of a crossroads. What to do. Stay together or separate? She wants to stay together but does not know if she is capable of doing this. There is love but there is no trust. In dutch there is a saying trust comes walking and go’s with a horse. So let’s be positive and think trust wil come over time and the most important thing is there’s still love.
    I just really want to run a away! Forget about my past about my family and love on my own the rest of my life! Drink, smoke watch P and wait til the storm passes.
    Of course i don’t going to do this but my whole mind and body is saying fuq everything! You don’t have to cope with this shit! I am still having bad dreams about the past. About my mom and dad. How they made me! So that’s killing because it was nog pleasant at all! Having night sweats. And nightmares that everybody is going to leave me. Oeff that’s why I want to flee. Because I rather go by my self then that I wait for people and that they say go fuq you’re self! Yeah I know I deserve it! But I am still human. I have feelings and emotions to!

    Stil no porn, yesterday had some urges and today also. That’s why I am putting all my thoughts on paper now! Hope it helps. My wife and I are not intimate at the moment. She want some space. And that makes it worse. I hope and pray to god that where going to survive this!
    Be strong everybody! God bless!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  2. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks for opening up again. You’re going through a lot! I really wish you all the best and a lot of strength. Take it from a chronic relapser, you really really really don’t want to fall back in your old habits. Just today I realized how many years of my life I’ve been wasting by relapsing to porn. If I would have stopped porn when I first discovered how detrimental it is, I would have been fully recovered by now. Let me tell you, the intense pain and struggle you’re going through right now, is absolutely worth it once you look back on it a year or two from now. I’ve been trying to get pornfree for about 8 years now. So much time wasted because every time I’m in for a couple of weeks / months, I think one relapse won’t hurt. Won’t do that much damage. Etc.

    Stay strong! Keep opening up about what’s living inside of you. Keep working on your relationship and rebuilding the trust. And keep praying.

    You’ve got this! The most important steps are already made. Just go all in now man, believe me it will be well worth it!
    Babylonier likes this.
  3. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Day 12: no cuddling with the wife. The tension is massive at home. At work I am trying to get rid of al the work I did not do the last period. That helps me to not think about P. But the urg is so strong! I don’t know what is going on. I am not looking for what so ever. But my mind go’s on and on. Maybe I can just have a look or let’s see if I can get an erection. I did not do anything. But want to. Also because we are not cuddling or kissing the last few days. Of last 24 hours but it feels like days now. Damn this addiction is so hard. She went to acupuncture to help her to accept the things how they are now. Also for her PMS. So she called me a couple minute ago to tell me that it felt good to go. I am a little bit afraid of the future. It is always in the day when I get anxious, afraid of the most bullish things. I can make up stories and get paranoïde about this. I that anxious I called a trust person in our company you can talk about if you think you need help to get you’re work done. I just called her to give me some kind of trust that i am not a bad person and that I do my work just as my coworkers. So that was ok. But I can’t call this person everyday with the same story right? Next week I am having my first appointment with a psychiatrist. He is specialized in narcisme and seks addiction.
    When I am writing this I want to take a pill or something just to forget what mess I made of my life of my family’s life! What a mess people! I am sorry that maybe I am telling the same thing over and over again. But it helps me not to go for the P or the M and the O! The urge is a little bit gone now! So I am going to finish my work and bike home! Bring my kids to soccer and I evening of again hard talks with the wife. Every evening she has question, she is anxious, mad and everything at the same time! So last week was a good weekdier her and her hormones. But the next couple
    Of weeks are going to be hard. I know the PMS (pre menstruel syndroom) is going to hit high. So i am going to hold
    My breath the couple of weeks. If we going to make it the next month we are going to make it. But if we don’t damn I don’t wanna think about that actually. Thanks for reading, replying and liking! It helps me allot!

    be strong guys! And god bless!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  4. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    The urge went away! Just writing shit down on paper is helps allot! I am going to take a shower and go to bed early today.
    Let’s go for the next 24 hours of being sober!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're doing the right things. I cheated on my wife twice and got caught - it was a major shit show. But, we worked through it and are still together. We both hurt for a long time, but life moves on. I'm not the same person now and so I rarely feel guilty about what happened. You WILL get through this.
    Babylonier likes this.
  6. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    thx Saville! It helps me a lot when people share there experiences!
    Much love! Be strong god bless!
  7. Raymond

    Raymond New Member

    Je klinkt als een aardige man, die braaf zijn kinderen naar voetbal brengt en liefdevol naar zijn vrouw is.

    Als ik advocaat van de Duivel speel, denk je ergens ook gewoon jezelf onder te willen dompelen in (perverse) en spannende sex met wellicht een diversiteit aan vrouwen?
    Zo ja, hoe denk je dat te onderdrukken nu en in de toekomst?

    Ik ben jouw leeftijd, maar dan vrouw- en kindloos en ik zou nu al bijna gegarandeerd kunnen zeggen dat bij een relatie met een vrouw, ik porno en/of perverse seks echt niet zomaar kan verbannen.
    Babylonier likes this.
  8. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Dag Raymond,

    Bedankt voor je reactie. Lees ook mijn Engelse reactie. Het is een goede vraag die je stelt. Ik denk het hebben van een liefdevolle vrouw en lieve kinderen dat maakt dat ik wil werken aan mijn perverse prikkels/gedachten/behoeften. Ik weet dat ik deze niet nodig heb om gelukkig te zijn. Ik kom er nu achter dat het een verslaving is. Als ik kijk hoe ik als puber was en nu dan zijn mijn behoeftes alleen maar extremer geworden. Door het kijken van P enzovoorts. Je kan het onderdrukken noemen. Ik zie het meer als een reset om weer gezonde gedachten te krijgen.
    Het heeft tijd nodig om een nieuw balans te vinden en nu ik nieuwe inzichten heb gekregen ben ik er van verzekerd dat dit mij gaat lukken. Als ik iets wil dan lukt het mij ook. Het is moeilijk, zwaar en de afkickverschijnselen zijn bijna 1 op 1 met die van een drugsverslaafde te vergelijken.

    Hi Raymond,

    You are asking a good question here. How I am going to not giving in to al my bad habits. I think when you have a loving wife and nice kids you know what it’s worth to quit my bad habits. I know i do not need them to be happy. I am finding out now that it is a real addiction. If i think about it when I was in my puberty and now my habits became much heavyer. When I was in my puberty i did not even want to get a blowjob because i thought it was disrespectful. And now i don’t! I really see this journey as a reset. I really see my wife for what she is. Not just a “cumdumpster”. With these new insights i see things clearly! But i know my self. If I want something I can get it! It’s hard the cold turkey things, the bad dreams, night sweats, not thinking clearly! I hope you also can get new insights. Check the site

    Are you started with a journey you’re self?
    Have a good one! Be strong and god bless!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  9. Raymond

    Raymond New Member

    I replied in Dutch, more energy to write in English.

    But you already knew P doesn't make you happy and your wife is much more then a sexual object.

    Why would this be the turning point?

    I started a journey yes, as you know the lockdown in the Netherlands ended and sexworkers can work again.
    I came face to face with my never ending hunt for paid sex, mostly Dommes.

    I am hoping this summer to at least enjoy other things and be more happy.
    Babylonier likes this.
  10. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Why is this my turning point, because I was not there. I was there the last couple of years. But I was not there. My mind was not with them. I could not enjoy the time with them. I knew i had to play like I am enjoying but I was not there with them. I was holding back. And that’s why now is my turning point. I don’t want to get 80 years and look back and say hmm actually I did not enjoy it as much as I wanted. Because of my addiction. Because i was more busy with p omitted stupid stuff. It’s about it’s called in dutch intergenerationele overdracht breaking this would be the greatest thing I could ever give my self and my children. Learning them what’s life about. What life’s really about. That is what I want. Something gave me the insight to see things clearly now. To be real to everybody in my network.

    I wish you al the best Raymond with you’re journey! It is hard, and it is going to take more time and energy from you than you think. But if you really want everything is possible! There are so many people here that you can learn from.
    Are you going to post about you’re goals?

    Be strong, god bless!
    Saville and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  11. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Day 13: damn the urge is strong. We went a a therapist today. She wants that I first have to go to a therapist myself before we can work on our relationship with a therapist. I will do everything to save our marriage.
    But damn why is the urge so strong all of a sodden? Today i got some spam mail from FHM fotoshoot of models. I watched 2 YouTube movies of each 1 minute. I did not do anything but it was really triggering. So I unsubscribed myself and hoping I won’t get new triggering mails. But now also I am alone my wife is busy with some studying and de kids are sleeping. So there is nothing on tv and I can’t go anywhere. I am to tired to do some housekeeping. So what to do what to do besides PMO and FMO? It helps me allot to write what is going on so. I am getting some headache and it’s like something in my forehead is changing. Like a little worm is getting a different position. Very weird. I hope it is something good. Is that how rewiring feels like? The change in the head because the highway of endorfine and other hormones are not used? next teusday I am having a talk with a therapist for myself. He is specialized in narcissem. We will see.
    tommorow is my last workday for this week. And then we are going a weekend to Belgium just to get out of our routines. I was very active on here last days. I hope I can get some distraction. So it is possible I am not posting anything.

    Have a good one guys! Be strong and be happy! God bless!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  12. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    End of day 15: had some nice days. Today we went to Antwerp. That was so nice. Just to be in a big city not knowing anybody and just be you. With the wife and our youngest. The two boys are with there grandmother on a campingtrip. But now lying in my bed. Next to my daughter. Because my wife did not want to sleep next to me today. She also did not want to make out and have some hankey pankey. She thinks that I did the same with other women. So she needs some time to recover from al the news I told her a couple of weeks ago. I need to respect that. But on the other hand pfff I have needs to.. I did not watch P for 15 days now i think. And did not FMO or F for a longer time. This morning in the shower I tested myself if I could get a erection if I try’d. So that helped. Just to look if it go’s up. It did! The feeling to finish it is big! But I did not. I made the water cold so everything went down..
    but the feeling my wife does not want to kiss and be intemite is very negative. I don’t know how long I can do this. I know i have to! But it’s so hard. And I am human, not a robot! So how long do I have to keep this up? The wife and I are having long talks about my addiction, about my teaching and al of this bad habits. yesterday we had a birthday and she flirted with some other guy of course It did something with me. I am not fast jealous. But I tought if this is going to be our relationship for the next 40 years I am out. What ever i did wrong in the past. I am trying to making ammens? I am not telling this so she can do the things i did with other men.. we talk about this and she’s says of course indon’t do that. But these are my biggist fears. Tommorow we are going back to our home town. So we will see what it is going to bring.. lying next to my daughter is the best thing not thinking about FMO or PMO!
    be strong everybody! God bless!!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Great job on the 15 days brother! That’s amazing!

    It’s good to see you’re pushing through, eventhough you feel rejected by your wife. Will the two of you start therapy?
    Babylonier likes this.
  14. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    BWB, she wants that I go First to individual therapy. I have to work on my self. That I what ever happens I can love my self without any addiction what so ever. I can understand that. My whole life I had an addiction, if it what alcohol, drugs, women or P. There is always something that I could use to get my mind of things. Now I have to take this chance to make real changes! To be really me! After the individual therapy. She want to go for couples therapy. So I think this thing is going to last a year or 2. We wil see. She want toe stay together that’s where I am holding up to. To stay together as a family! That is my only motivation right now.
    I watched some shoots of models. But did not do anything. I wanted but did not. I am feeling it’s like a cycle. The urge in de morning and evening. When I get stressed in the day. That’s when I made my mistakes in the past. So I have to be focused on those moments to not make the same mistakes.
    I love my wife and I love my children. I could not see a life without them.
    We will see what the future has for me. I am going to the gym next week. I hope it helps me to get my mind of the negative things in life.
    Be strong! God bless!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're doing great! It is going to be a roller coaster for quite some time, but you are strong and insightful and you'll get through this. My wife was the same, she didn't want intimacy, asked if I had diseases, and also spoke harshly to me because she wanted to get back at me. Basically it comes down to the wife being hurt. But, hurt feelings absolutely do go away.

    In therapy they will tell you to acknowledge what you did and basically own your shit, while at the same time validating your wife's feelings. You will be eating shit sandwiches for awhile and sometimes that's going to make you mad. But, keep in mind that you love your family and they worth every ounce of effort, my friend.

    Remember that this is YOUR journey. You aren't doing this just for your wife or your kids, you're doing it for you! You will keep your integrity and your sense of manhood if you keep in mind that you are learning about yourself. Also, cut yourself some slack. You didn't have good life skills before, but now you're going to learn some.

    Your marriage is going to come out of all this stronger and you won't recognize the man you were before. You're doing all the right things!
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

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  17. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    saville, thank you for the nice words. It really helps me to get trough this difficult time. But also the addiction is playing up. Yesterday i did some edging, just to get my mind of some negative things. But today no morningwood, nightmares instead, total flat line I think... I think there is a link there. So I am going to try not to do anything this period. Not even checking out if I can get erections. That’s my main problem thinking that I can’t have any erections any more.
    Thank you so much for all of the reactions everybody! It gives me the strength to go on with everything. Sometimes I think inam going crazy! But the support over here is great! Tommorow inam going to the gym again. I hope it gives me some positive energy!

    thx again! Be strong and god bless!!
    Saville and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  18. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Indeed man, it’s best to never check your erections. I’ve had times rebooting where it felt like it was completely shriveled up down there and there was no life whatsoever. Yet, when my GF at the time only touched it a little bit, it got harder than I knew it could.

    the flatline isn’t always lineair, it comes and goes. The most important thing about it is that it is a sign your brain is recovering. I’ve heard people say and I can agree, in the flatline the most healing happens. So see those moments of having no life below as a sign that you’re healing! It will come back, and once you start getting morning wood regularly again, you know it’s the flatline that has done a tremendous part of healing :)
    Saville and Babylonier like this.
  19. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Thx BWB! It helps allot these tips you give. When I keep my self occupied there is less urge. Also if I am showering there is not much. I am to stressed out because of my marriage is going to blow up. There are moments of hope. But there are also moments that I think fuq it all. I just want to get out and be all by my self. But it is weird right. I am the guy that did everything wrong. Why do I wanna run and hide myself? She is the one that has to wanna go run and never go back! But she is not. Today also a long talk about details. Damn that confronting. I hope we wil survive!

    wel no urge what so ever! For now!
    Be strong and god bless!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You will survive. You are so much stronger and powerful than you think. Men who become addicted to P do so because they don't have good coping/life skills. I made an art of lying and running away from things. Here's what I learned: you don't have to be afraid of feelings. Feelings aren't facts, they're just feelings. Feel your feels, let your wife feel hers, but the goal is to stand up and be honest about who you are.

    I would also suggest that you no longer burden your wife with your use of P. If she knows that you are still using, or wanting to use, this is just another form of cheating in her mind. The struggle to be free of P has to, imo, be done alone. Would you want your wife telling you that she's watching guys fucking women and they have dicks the size of a horse and fine looking bodies? No, you wouldn't.

    Here's a saying I heard many years ago: Success is the positive realization of a worthy goal.

    I believe in you!
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.

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