Married, cheated addicted to P. New life new goals also dutch

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Babylonier, May 16, 2021.

  1. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Dag allemaal,

    De afgelopen jaren heb ik in een hel geleefd niet wetende wat er met mij aan de hand was. Van de ene psycholoog naar de anderen. Alternatieve zorg geprobeerd en acupunctuur. Van kruiden en pillen slikken naar nu de besef dat ik verslaafd ben aan porno. Ik ben 35 jaar op het moment van schrijven. Ik heb drie hele lieve kinderen en ben eigenlijk gelukkig getrouwd. Ik heb afgelopen week mijn escapades met mij mn vrouw gedeeld. Van vreemdgaan tot de porno die ik keek. Van flirten met andere vrouwen tot de gedachten die ik heb gehad. Waarom ik de afgelopen jaren afwezig ben geweest. Ik was er wel maar ook niet helemaal. Ik kon nergens plezier meer uit halen. Ik dacht dat ik een hoog libido had. Ik dacht dat mijn vrouw dus het probleem was. Alleen nu besef ik dat ik verslaafd ben aan porno. Aan het steeds weer een extremere vorm van seks en aandacht wilde. Het is een sluimerende verslaving. Gelukkig na een week wil mijn vrouw onze huwelijk niet zomaar opgeven. Ze wil het proberen ook al heeft ze het heel zwaar. Ze is nog gek op mij, verliefd. Ze kan mij niet loslaten. En ik ben verliefd op haar. We willen hopelijk samen deze strijd aan gaan. Door de komende periode geen sex te hebben. Ik geen porno zal kijken. En we einde liefde voor elkaar hopelijk het ontdekken zonder lust.
    Ik heb gelukkig een zelfhulp groep gevonden. Sexaholics Anonymus (SA). Ze zitten over de hele wereld en gebruiken dezelfde principes als de Alcoholic Anonymus. de afgelopen dagen heb ik heel veel steun ondervonden van een aantal personen hiervan. Mijn vrouw is tijdelijk niet bij mij in huis en de kinderen ook niet. Het is een hel waar je doorheen moet. Waar je normaal je afleiding zoekt met porno. Heb ik met mezelf en de SA afgesproken om geen porno meer te kijken, voorlopig niet te fantaseren en niet te masturberen. Ik zoek eigenlijk lotgenoten. Om mezelf te blijven motiveren
    De laatste jaren denk ik dat ik onbewust aan het afkicken ben geweest. Ik heb last gehad van een soort watten in je hoofd. Je zweeft een beetje brain fog word het genoemd in andere posts. Ook slecht slapen, 4 uur per nacht, niet kunnen concentreren, hoge hartslag en constant aan staan. Niet moe zijn. Ik ben sinds gisteren gestopt. En het valt nog allemaal wel mee. Ik heb mijn hart kunnen luchten bij mijn vrouw ik heb lieve family die mij steunt een aantal vrienden die mij steun geven, en haar family is er voor haar. We hebben kinderen om voor te zorgen en dat geeft gelukkig afleiding. Alleen wat de SA lotgenoten aangeven het is een onderliggende verslaving. Voor dat je het weet zit je ergens op de wc porno te kijken en is het te laat en moet je op opnieuw beginnen. Ik ben ontzettend gemotiveerd om het oude leven achter mij te laten. Ik ga in therapie bij een psycholoog en ga ondertussen naar een huisarts ondersteuner. Ik ben inmiddels gaan roken. En daar moet ik uiteindelijk ook vanaf. Maar alles stap voor stap. 1 dag tegelijk. Uur voor uur. Gaan we vooruit. Ik wil weer een normaal intieme leven hebben. Ik denk ook dat dat kan. Als je er bewust van bent en je echt wil veranderen. Ik voel de verandering al. De mindset is anders. Alleen deze verslaving is een sluipmoordenaar. Hij sluimert onder alles door en als je even er niet op attent bent dan slaat die toe! Ik hoop dat er reacties zullen zijn. Want alle steun is welkom. Ben je Engels en je vertaald mijn tekst mag je in het Engels reageren. Graag zelfs. De ervaringen van jullie zijn al zo waardevol geweest de afgelopen 24 uur. Ik hoop dat je de moeite neemt.
    God bless & be strong!
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  2. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    I am now form 15 May sober. So I Will be having a long time till i can say How it is going to work out. My wife knows what is going on. And she said she want to support me. We wil see. We yesterday kissed and do Some stuff but i dit not go for the big O. So that was ok. But i am feeling much beter the a week a Go. I wil going to do the things you said. I have no Morning wood but when i kiss with the wife it go’s up. I wil go die hard the coming 30 days and I hope the morningwood wil come back.
     
    Wolf333 likes this.
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Best of luck to you man. You’ve made such a big step by opening up about it to your loved ones and by seeking help. You’re on the right path. Don’t lose hope. Stat strong!
     
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  4. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    I think it is day 4. In the meanwhile i had to come clean to my wife what i did to maintian my addiction to porn/sex. I had Some affairs to maintain my addiction. She wants to know everything. And i told het everything. I could not lei anymore. So we try tot talk it out. She knows its my addiction that did what i did. But it is very hard for her. All the stress en emoticons makes me want to watch porn, fled in to new affairs. But that is not what i want! I want a new life without the lying, without thinking about everything! I hope and prat we Will survive this! Imam. Praying to God that we wil survive. Becaus i do not know how I wil survive without my wife and children. Be strong! En bless all of uss!!
     
    Wolf333 likes this.
  5. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Day 5: day 5 is very heavy. We are struglling in the relationship. It is hard en instant to watch P for alle the time. Suriname work, Durbuy prachtig do the kids. But i do nog
    Look. Went for a walk, i Saw Some incredebell Chick. Nice everything when u are of porn. Damn it is hard how to survive week 1 with extra stress...? Any tips en tops?
     
    Wolf333 likes this.
  6. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Day 6: trying to stop the addiction and having a crisis in youre relationship i won’t reccomend that. I am having terrible nightmares, waking up middle in the night sweating. Every little molecule in my body wants Somekind of affectief of PMO or FMO. But i still willing not to give up! I am very interested in Chinese herbs. One of them named six form. I am going to try that. Hope I don’t get that much of panic attacks like now.
    if somebody has a similar situation give me a heads up? Be strong everybody! God bless!
     
    Wolf333 likes this.
  7. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Thank you so much brother! I won’t lose hope. My english is so bad. I want to share so much stuff but i don’t know how to tell everybody. So i write everyday in my journal just to write it off. Today was a heavy day. Everything felt if it does not matter. Such a difference with the first couple of days.

    Wel because ingaven sleeping problems, imam getting scared of my bed. Because i am having a bad relationship with it. When i want to sleep i can’t and when i don’t want to sleep i can fall a sleep everywhere. Like yesterday i looking at a soccer practice of my 2 sons. There twins. I saw a chair and is was standing in de sun. So i dat on it and in 2 minutes i was sleeping. A full 30 minutes. And when i woke up. The world fellt beautiful! But it laster just for a couple of hours and at the night it was just One big nightmare.

    my life with all of my confesments to my wife is a nightmare. Maybe she want a divorce because she does not know who she married. The children do feel tension but we said mom and dad are having an argument and with Some days everything is going to be like always. We are Trying so hard to make it work. I had a double life for a couple of years where i cheated. I am so ashemed of al my bad decisions. I want to make it good again. But i don’t know how. Next week we are going to a therapist. He is going to help us to make a decision of we can work it out or not. I pray everyday that everything is going to work out.
    I am Reading a lot of als the posts of people. And it helps me a lot. Getting new insights and stuff. Now I am in dat six at the end of it. I am getting anxouis because i don’t feel my dick for what so ever. Normal it Goes up when ever i want. But now dame it is lik its death. I want to watch of it stil works. But i want today. I think the stress is having a big influince. I am smoking i think 10 sigarets a day. Because i am so anxcious and getting paranoid worse very day. I am thinking maybe the siggarets are giving me a feeling of impotence. So Tomorrow i am going to try to smoke am 5 instead of 10. I stopped alcohol for 3 days now i think. Because i cope with alcohol. Of lifes hard them i drink wine and beers. Now i am trying not to. But the moet important is not to PMO, FMO, MO or M or O.
    So when i am writing this i am asking my self, why the F... is this happening to me?! I did not kill anybody or did really really bad things. If somebody can explain why this is happening to is please explain it. I realise i am an addict to the hormones in my head. I do not know wat its called right now.
    I am trying to get rid of al my stress. I have work and i can call me in sick. So what do you think call me in sick and have a more relax 2 weeks and focus in meditating, lifting wheigts and focussing on my kids and wife whitout the stress from work.
    Hope somebody had Some good advies.

    every little reply is a good reply! Be strong! God bless!
     
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  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    I can’t give you advice on what to do about work. On one hand it would be great to get some rest, on the other hand. It would put you in a position where you can watch porn.

    don’t worry about your dick having no life atm. It’s a sign you’re rebooting. You’ve over-used your brain reward circuitry and it’s taking this time to restore. You feel bad because you’re not getting the dopamine you’re used to. It will get better! Don’t worry about it, don’t try to test it. Almost everyone has this when they reboot.

    I really hope you can save your marriage! Goodluck on the councelling!
     
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  9. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    I am praying every day that me and my wife can save our marriage.
    I told a coworker of my struggles. She is a social worker just like me. So she had Some empathie and said don’t punish you’re self to much. Maybe I am depressies or something. Life is not that fun as it was in the past. I am thinking that maybe imam depressed or something. But the strange thing is that i wake up, i care for the kids. Imam going to work. Al that soort of things i do. But real fun not that much. Maybe it is the to short of endorfine and dopamine in my body. It how can i make this without PMO?! That is the big question? Rhode any body have answer?
     
  10. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    I think this is dat 7. One week ago was my last PMO. I don’t even know more what i watched. Today was a good day. All work, now i am at the barber waiting for a haircut. I don’t know what happend During the day. But the morning was perfect. I was energetic, close to happy. After the lunch I crash. The anxiouty begins, bad thoughts, unreal supersticous thoughts. And i woke up with a conspireasy theorie that the world is against me! Wow what a fair. Luckely as I am my wife still sleept besides me and hellped me to calm down. After that the morning was great. After a 6 hour sleep normaly i sleep 4 till 5 hours. But now inam bewaking down. Bewaking down as fuq!
    Take care Guys.
     
  11. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Wow, congrats on telling your wife, sounds amazing that she's onboard. I began writing here because I am afraid to tell mine. She would support me I think, still I have doubts. I will definitely tell her some day.

    Keep it up!
     
  12. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member


    Hey bro, I had nightmares most of my life and many nights with panic attacks. I would wake up shouting. I had an uresolved issue which I solved in 2020 and they went away. In the meanwhile, I would recommend meditation and sports. Reiki also helped but the first two are the most powerful. Floral infusions help, depending on what you can get your hands on. Passiflora helped me a lot for many years. It's a flower which can be found as an infusion, oil extraction or drinkable "medicine". But you have to find the issue and solve it.
     
  13. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    I'm up to date now with all your posts. I am confused, did you cheat on your wife or are you saying P was like cheating. Very different from each other. In any case, make her fall in love with you again. Friends do not have to demonstrate to each other, lovers do. It's a daily work but also an opportunity every day. If you only talk with her about troubles, you'll only bring that to her mind. It would be awkward to go out if you are having trouble but if she is still there, she loves you. If you think she doesn't, make her!!! Get her flowers or whatever she likes for no reason, tell her that you love her for no special occasion. Just grab the chance to do it whenever you can.

    Try getting rid of alcohol and smoking. For health but also but to stop mental dependence. That should help w PMO. What sports do you like? Sounds cliche but sports got me out of the first two. Do a physical activity you really love. Love as a new addiction, make yourself think how can you get better every time you do it, enjoy the little achievements. Finding time to do it, getting there and doing it is a form od meditation. It'll give space amd focus.

    Hope it helps, I'll be watching you're doing, keep posting!
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  14. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Hi wolf,

    I am very ashemed to say what i did. Yes i cheated in my wife in real life with other wonen. I had Somekind of dates with them Sometimes things happen. One time all the way and de rest not all the way. Just wanted to Find out what is possible. But after a couple of girls you know of you want everything is possible. And them reality hit me. I realized that i love my life with my wife and kids. And I did nog know what de hell is wrong with me. It was just like stop smoking and you go to the shop to get new smokes. You put one in you’re mouth eland after three inhalations you think what the fuq is wrong with me. Why did I do that? Can you realate?
    So now she knows everything, I am going cold turkey on this and in never want tot do the things I did in the past. The future is going to be clean.
    Yeah i am trying to demonstrate it every minute every hour of the day. She is in the middle of processing everything. She is mourning and She is trying to find the power to go on and toe see that I am not a cheater but also the guy she married. Only now this guy told het his biggist secrets his biggist fears. So now we are everyday in proces to give thing thing a place in her head and in mine actually to. So i am doing my best to let her see that I am the best she can get.

    before the COVID hit. I went 2 til 4 times a week to the gym. Where I lifted weights went to the sauna and did some yoga. Now everything is close for almost a year. So I am not doing my old routine for a long time now. I have weights at home but i am not that motivated. After reading your reply i did some push ups and did some body things. So that was a good biggining i think. What I do every day when I wake up is, when i have to get ready for the day. I shower every morning and finish of with 2 or 3 minutes with a cold shower. It makes you’re body reset for the day. The first time i did this was like my brain got a shock instantly just like a mini reset.

    Now she knows it for a week or so. The first week was extreme. I had to sleep at a friend, she went away to her sister. We are now on spreken terms. She still is very angry and very sad! To live in a new reality. Because we liffed a fairytale life. Perfect kids, perfect jobs, perfect friends, perfect family! But now it does not look that perfect anymore.
    we will see what happens.

    I do not have that great urges. I think it’s odd. Because the emotions are very high between us. She sometimes just want to donut. But now we just kiss make up, cuddle a lot. And I can do some stuff with here. It gets fully erected. That is nice to feel! But I did not go for the big O. I wanted it tho! But she is also helping me not to go for it. Sow my next question what is best to do? When is the best moment to go for it again? And is it possible to go for more not 1 time in the week having sex. I read a lot and people are writing when u rewired you’re brain you can just have sex one time a week. Is that treu?

    I am trying tonget rid of the smoking. Went from 10 sigarets a day, now yesterday it where 2. So I have to keep going on. Alcohol is just in the weekends for now.
    Thats about it i think! Keep me updated if you’re proces!!

    Be strong everybody! Be strong and god bless!!
     
  15. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    Day 10 without PMO. Feeling ok. My wife and I are talking allot. She is very sad of what I am. She realizes that our hole relationship i cheated and that’s very hard to hear and realize. I always ran away for these things. I always made things better in my head then that they are in real life. Made it not that of a big thing. But she made me realize that it is not healthy how I cope with things. Just how she cope with life. I am jealous that she learned it in a good way. Never in my hole life ever someone told my what a healthy sexlife is. My dad was an alcoholic and aggressive and my mom was alway at the hospital. Twice in my life a I am sexual abused. Had never a good stable home. So it is easy to say that was the reason why I became the person i am now! But I am 35 now. When do do i grow up. I am so sorry for all the things that i have done.
    So my wife and i are talking. I answer al of her quistions. And after that we cuddle and make out. I get an erection. But don’t do anything with it. I want to go for the O but I promessed her not to. But now i think. Is it ok to make out, rub my D on her V? Is that ok? Because we did this 2 nights in a row now. And I sleep much better because we did I think. Maybe I am not just addicted to P, F but maybe also to S with a person. I am afraid what wil happen if we don’t make out and cuddle for a week? Anyone can relate? she is a dream come true how she is coping with everything. I love her so much!
    if anyone can answer my questions please do? God bless and be strong everybody!!
     
  16. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    Dude,

    Forget about porn addiction, focus on your marriage. If you come here for all the religious and moral BS, be my guest, there's a lot here but you are not getting that from me.

    You cheated on your wife. She is angry because you slept with another woman, still you make out with her but don't go for the whole thing? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? SHE WANTS TO HAVE SEX!!!! What's wrong about having sex with your wife?! Get as much as you can, as often as you can! That's what will strengthen and fix your marriage. Let her enjoy it, feel desired and loved, sex is the best way to do so!!! Forget about the stupid flowers!!!

    Fix your marriage and then come here to fix porn addiction if that's what you want but it just doesn't make sense to me. You do not even speak about porn. Stop reading and writing here, go to your wife!
     
  17. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member


    Ok! Damn that is hard to read. I think you are right in Some things. I am not here to talk about my marriage and how to save it. I think my addiction made me cheat. Nothing can make that right anymore. But there a thin line there.
    So i am here wrighting my experiences. Not just to watch porn but also reling my wife everything. Of course inhale urges to watch porn just to forget everything for a couple of minutes!

    I am sorry that I maybe hurt you’re feelings or sayd things not proper. I am still going to post stuff here. Just toe Wright what I am going treu. I feel it is helping me to process everything.
    I am sorry Wolff.
     
  18. Wolf333

    Wolf333 Member

    No need to apologize with me, not offended in any way. Sorry for being so hard on you, I just wrote with too much confidence, please forgive me for being so intrusive. I feel you are a long time friend. I just wanted to help.

    Sorry, bro! Good luck!!!
     
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  19. Babylonier

    Babylonier Member

    it’s ok! It is just hard te read. And when something is treu it is hard. But my hypotheses is that when you are addicted to porn and cheating. It’s connected. So that’s why I am here. Ok it helps me to understand why I did the things i did.
    To keep up a logbook. Is also helpful for my bad habits. So that is why I am here. Not just for fun. Ofcourse I am making up with my wife. But I want also to run away very hard. Watch porn if I could everyday and forget about my problems en responsibility’s that i have. I want to drown my self with alcohol en drugs just so I don’t have to feel anymore. But I don’t want to cope with the pain anymore how i always did! That’s why i am here.
    Hope people understand

    Be strong and I will to! Gods bless!
     
  20. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Yeah the problem with fleeing from our emotions with bad habits / sustance abuse, is that they always come back. Usually harder because they pile up over time. And then the sex/alcohol/drugs/ whatever loose their ability to give us pleasure.
     
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